As the end of the year approaches....

In some ways it's hard to believe 2009 is coming to a close. There are still times where it feels like yesterday, my world as I knew it was crumbling around me. Other days, I am amazed at the personal progress I have achieved in the last year. While I still have moments of panic/feeling as if I've made little or no progress, I am starting to think these moments are perfectly okay. Usually when I have those moments, I call my parents and they remind me of where I was at this point last year along my quest (to me, I felt as if I was at the bottom of the ocean where the crash of the waves was keeping me) and they help guide me back to where I am presently along my quest.

Currently I am enjoying time with family. From spending this past year essentially by myself, I appreciate this time. Granted there were many times growing up, I WISHED for time alone (that's what happens in a small, three bedroom house with a total of 6 people, a dog, and a couple of hamsters who had a tendency to escape); now there are times I find myself wishing for the insanity my family always offered (I use the term "insanity" with love and my family knows it and would have a hard time disagreeing with that term). =)

To give everyone reading a glimpse into my family's insanity, Sunday night (which is why my blog was not updated on Sunday), my parents, my sister and her hubby, me, my brother, and my youngest brother and his wife played a game called "Quelf." This game is NOT for the faint of heart or for anyone who has no desire to make an absolute fool of themselves. The first card that was drawn was pulled by my youngest brother (who is just about 6'5" and built like a football player). This card instructed said 6'5" former football player to pull up his shirt and dance like a belly dancer for 30 seconds. Any other family probably would have packed up the game and never spoken of it again - - not my family!! =)

We continued to play, following the instructions as the things we had to do/say/come up with became more and more ridiculous. Some of the things taking place in my parent's livingroom included:

• having to pretend to be a "human boomarang"
• one person saying "It serves you right, Captain Poopy-pants" anytime another player had to move their piece backwards
• one player being instructed to give themselves a wedgie
• another player, if they wanted to say a phrase longer than three words, had to ask their foot's permission (and their foot had to respond in a high sqeaky voice, "Permission granted")
• everyone coming up with "excuses you've used to get out of a date"
• watching one of the male players high-kick like a Vegas showgirl for 30 seconds
• and it went on and on......

All of this was going on while trying to entertain my 2-year old nephew and keep two dogs away from the gameboard (even though there were moments where I'm sure at least one person wished either the boy or the dogs would have up-ended the board to put us out of our misery). As I said, insanity!! =) Even though it was insane, it was lots of fun!

I then got to have even more fun last night babysitting my nephew (I know, as if I don't get enough of 2-3 year olds at my job). =) With now being a former military spouse, I'm hoping I'll get to see him (and the rest of my family) at least a little more often as I have only seen him a total of three times now in two years. He and I played in the snow, watched some Nick Jr., and he and I had SO much fun doing sign language for "more" at dinner (I showed it to him and he picked it up so fast!).

I'm hoping the last couple of days (and the few more I get to spend with my family) are an indication of the direction my life is going to take in 2010. I am hoping my 2010 is going to at least start me down the path towards having a family of my own one day. I guess, once again, we will just have to wait and see.... =)

Thank you for joining me on my quest thus far and hopefully continuing along with me in 2010. I hope that everyone had a joyous Christmas and will have a Happy New Year!! =)

Kind of odd...

While I know the Christmas season is upon us, it was kind of odd for it to be 70 degrees today with the sun shining and the song "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas" to come on the radio. I can at least console myself with the fact that the day after Christmas I will be somewhere where snow is supposed to be on the ground. That's one of the things I miss. Actually living someplace where there are 4 distinct seasons.

Oh, well. What I am getting excited about is the knowledge that this time next week, I'll be with family! I haven't been home in 14 months so I am excited. I wish I could afford to be there longer than a week, but that's all of the time I have off of work. Going home for a week is better than not going home at all though.

I know that the feeling of Christmas comes from knowing the true meaning of the Christmas season and having that in your heart. But Christmas for me has also always meant family. There is just nothing better than sharing traditions/stories that only families understand. For example, one of the best Christmas stories from my family most people wouldn't "get." All I have to say to my family is, "Oh.... it's boots...." and they are in hysterics. I also remember being a kid trying to make coffee with my siblings to try to get Mom and Dad up so we could open presents. At least we're old enough now to know how to make it. =)

As this year draws to a close, part of me is amazed that this year is almost over and there is another part of me that is saying, "It's not over YET?!" I know that a lot has happened this year and I can say that I have survived it all. I feel as if I can honestly say, I have come a long way this year and am anxious to see what 2010 holds...

Come a long way

I was rereading some of my old journals that I had written last year after my wasband left. One of the entries I came across included a dream I had shortly before I received the divorce papers. I actually had the dream the night on what would have been our anniversary last year. The entry read:

I feel lost in a dark forest and am looking for you to shine a flashlight or a candle or anything to help light my way so I don’t stumble and fall. But the light doesn’t come and I know I need to find my way out of the wood. As I try to escape, the trees seem to reach out for me and I begin to run. As I run, I just keep falling down and I am now starting to hear laughter in the darkness as I trip over the roots and am continuously knocked down by branches… Any time I am able to get to my feet, I stumble forward, with outstretched hands, only to fall again as the laughter continues. I can see a pinprick of light in the distance and feel if I can only reach the light, I’ll be able to escape from my torturous flight in the darkness. No matter how hard I try, I can’t reach the light and the laughter continues… I hear it in my head and it echoes in my heart. That really isn’t a good feeling. The laughter makes me want to sit down on the floor of the woods and cry out in desperation and frustration but I know I must not stop – I have to reach the light… I don’t know why it’s a feeling of desperation but I feel like no matter what physical harm comes to me or how my soul is being tortured, I must reach the light… Everything depends on reaching the light… But I can’t………… You’re the laughter I hear…

The "you" at the end was my wasband. I felt as if he was laughing at my desperation. Now I am the one who feels like laughing because I have reached my destination - the light. Granted I still have days where I feel as if I may get lost in the woods again but at least I have reached the light that I was so desperate for. Having the love and support of my family and friends has helped me reach the light along the journey of finding myself.

I have come to terms with not having all of the answers. I don't want all of the answers. If I had them all, my journey would be over and I would have nothing left to look forward to in life. Yes, there are times I wish it didn't have to be so difficult but in the difficulty I am able to appreciate when things aren't so difficult. I know that I have a long way to go and I am coming to terms with that. I want to try to appreciate each step along my journey, even if my steps are me just stumbling along.

Thanks to all of you who help me up when I stumble or if I fall. =)

Finally....

Today I received a fat white envelope in the mail. In that envelope I found papers from the court system via my lawyer telling me that my marriage has been dissolved. Finally.

As I stated before, I didn't want this originally, but I am just glad it's over. Now I am able to look forward to starting 2010 anew plus I have true closure.

I will write more later. I don't think this has fully sunk in yet but I wanted to add it as a part of my quest.

Rough Day....

Today was rough for me -- today marked what would have been my 6-year anniversary. I was trying to look at today as just "another day" along my journey, but it didn't turn out that way. I didn't sleep very well last night, tossing and turning a lot, and then today at church (as we do the first Sunday of every month), they recognized anyone who had a December birthday or anniversary. Ouch!! Just one more reminder....

While I'm not the one who initiated the divorce, today has made me feel pretty inadequate. What could I have done differently? Could I have saved my marriage? Where did things begin to go wrong/fall apart? Why wasn't I good enough? While I have these questions and more, I don't know that I will ever have the answers to them.

At this point, I just need this all behind me. I am still waiting for the divorce to be finalized and even though I didn't want the divorce originally, I just want it over now. I want to be able to move on from this point in my life. I know that a piece of paper won't make it any easier to move on, but I just need to know that it is 100% over and finalized.

There are times I find it difficult to allow myself some leniency/compassion throughout this mess. I consider myself to be a pretty good friend to others but have trouble being a friend to myself. I'm not quite sure why that is. Maybe it's because I try so hard to help everyone else out that I don't always take the time for myself. I have come to the conclusion that needs to change.

One of the things I am continuing to do for myself is I am still taking my belly dance lessons. I am finding that I am really enjoying this form of self-expression. While I remember being hesitant to take my first class, I am glad that I forced myself to go (it also helped getting a swift kick in the butt from my Mom - - thanks, Mom!!). I am amazed not only at the physical transformation belly dancing is helping me achieve, but the emotional/internal transformation as well. While I am still on the bigger side, I am finding that I can move my body in ways I never would have dreamed possible.

I know that I still have a ways to go before my external and internal transformations are complete, but as my parents reminded me today, I need just "keep swimming" and "keep shimmying" along the way. Sure, I am going to make mistakes along the way, some big, some small, but what kind of quest would this be without pitfalls along the way?

Strange

Today a strange feeling came over me. It started off as an almost panicked feeling and then it just surprised me. I was panicked/surprised that my wedding ring was "missing" from my finger. I haven't worn my ring in almost a year so why did I miss it today? I have NO clue....

Granted, in under a week, is the day that would have been my 6 year anniversary. That is a strange feeling. Knowing that I am swiftly approaching what marks the anniversary of the day my wasband swore to love, honor and cherish me for as long as we both shall live (ironically, two days after what would have been my 5 year anniversary last year, I received the divorce papers telling me essentially that my wasband didn't love, honor or cherish me anymore). I don't know if that's what made me miss my wedding ring today or what happened....

I feel like I am making progress along my journey of personal growth and then a day like today happens. While I was able to recover from my feeling of panic rather quickly, having the feeling still distracted me some throughout my day. I was just confused as to why I missed my ring today. I don't know what made today any different than this past year. After I got ready for work and I was getting ready to head out the door, I glanced at my left hand and then noticed that my ring was "missing." It was strange for the first few weeks after I took it off initially last year, but for the most part since then, I haven't really realized it was gone.

There are times where parts of me feel broken beyond repair. As I said, I feel like I am making progress but then there are times where I wonder if I will ever feel completely whole again. I am working on my self-confidence issues by taking my belly dancing class but I know that there are some issues that are just going to take time to work through. I took me a while to get to this point in my life and it's not going to be "fixed" overnight. I just have to work on being patient - something that I occasionally have problems with.... =)

Well, while I continue on my journey of self-reflection and self-improvement, I will continue to post my thoughts. I hope my readers continue to enjoy. =)

Until then, I need to sign off so I can belly dance on my own (that's the great thing about the fitness industry, you can buy every type of workout video imaginable). =)

The one year point...

Well, yesterday marked the one year "anniversary" of coming home after work to find a letter stating that my wasband "couldn't take things anymore." Not fully realizing what that meant (I honestly thought that he meant that we needed to make a change not that he had left me for good), I changed out of my work clothes and settled in to relax until he got home (that morning before he and I both left for work, I asked if he was going to be home after work and he said, no, that it would be after physical therapy and that he loved me and had to go to work).

While settling in to relax, I decided to write some thoughts down in response to his letter so we could discuss things when he got home. I decided to do my writing sitting on our bed and I remember at one point wanting to know what time it was and automatically looking towards his alarm clock... It wasn't there. I then noticed other things that weren't where they were supposed to be - his laptop, some random clothes (then I began to look in other rooms), his razor and other bathroom items, some books, and a suitcase. I thought that was all pretty odd so I tried calling him with no answer. So I sent him a text message, still no answer. It then hit me that his letter stating "he couldn't take things anymore" might possibly mean he was leaving (still thinking this was only temporary).

When it finally did hit me that he was gone and not coming back (and that honestly wasn't until after I received the divorce papers), I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what I could trust to be the truth (my wasband and I told each other that we would NEVER end our marriage in divorce - - guess he must have had his fingers crossed or something....).

Looking back at this past year, I am shocked at how far I have come (not only physically - thank you weight loss; but emotionally as well - I have moved outside my comfort zone and am going, by myself, to belly dance class). Time really has continued to move on...

There are times where I can't believe it's already been a year and then at other times I catch myself saying I can't believe it's only been one year.... If nothing else, I think it shows progress since yesterday, I wanted to send the wasband a "happy anniversary" message but didn't.

We'll just have to see in what other paths my journey leads me down. As long as I can shimmy, it should be fun at least..... =)

Life Lessons from Belly Dancing

Okay, as stated last time, I went to my first (and now second) belly dancing class. Boy do I hurt! My front and oblique abs hurt, my muscles that band around my mid back, and the backs of my thighs hurt. The abs being sore is especially evident when I am teaching in the class of 2 and 3 year olds. UGH! As long as I can keep this up, this is all going to help in my weight loss goals so that pain is a good thing. I think… =)

When I was in my first class, I realized something. I have entered the ANGER stage of this journey. I am angry with myself for getting to where I have been physically but I am angry at my wasband for convincing me that this was okay. He told me that he loved me “no matter what” and that included what I looked like. Being bigger just gave him “more of me to love” he would tell me. Apparently he didn’t mean that…

I am angry with myself for believing this and for allowing what he thought of me convince me that my thoughts of myself didn’t matter. I was beginning to hate myself because of how I looked and he would try to convince me that I was still as beautiful as the day he married me. The sad part is, because my self-esteem was so low, I believed him. I began to see myself through his eyes and began to convince myself that I was okay how I was. When he left me, my eyes were opened and I once again began to hate myself.

A few years ago, the wasband actually bought me a basic belly dance work out DVD but I never used it. At this point, I’m glad I never did. That may sound a little silly because I am now enjoying this type of workout but let me explain. While I know he is the one who gave it to me, I will be using it for me and only me at this point. After my first class, belly dancing is something I can see myself using to continue my transformation.

When I first started the class, I looked at myself in the full-length mirror in my yoga pants and shirt tied in a knot and went “blech.” Surprisingly, by the end of class, I was beginning to see the possibility that is hidden inside of me; of the outside transformation I can make to match my internal transformation. While exciting, the thought shook me a little.

For a long time, I have wanted to change my appearance and have gone about doing so in some pretty unhealthy ways. At one point, I ate nothing but salads, drank diet soda and water and walked 2-4 miles a day on a treadmill. While I was starting to look good on the outside, I was miserable on the inside. So, I gave up on that. A few years later, I took up doing Tae Bo with my wasband and friend in my friend’s living room. Once again, I got results, however, the “violence” of it (learning how to punch and kick effectively) took its toll in other areas of my life. Once again, being counterproductive overall.

With belly dancing, I feel it’s as much an internal workout as it is an external workout. I am finding that not only am I getting in tune with my muscles, I am finding what I’m made of as well. My instructor is performing a move, and in my head I’m going “I can’t possibly do that! She’s way skinnier than I am, my body is never going to move like that so why should I even try!!” When I tell my brain to “shut up!” and let my body take over, I am finding that I can do it. At this point in my transformation, being able to have that thought for myself (because other people have been telling me that I can do it) is worth the pain I am feeling in my muscles.

One of the things I really liked from my second belly-dancing lesson (I was testing two different studios to see which one I liked better) is what the instructor said near the beginning of class. She told us that we tend to draw experiences into us and tend to hide from the world – drawing our arms in front of us to cover up. With belly dancing, we need to pull or throw those layers of insecurity off of us and lead ourselves into the world with our heart. If we do that then people will look past our outward appearance and will immediately see our heart. That is my goal.

I am really looking forward to going to class next week. =)

Hello again =)

This weekend I was semi-domestic. I cleaned my bathroom (including scrubbing the bathtub/shower and the the toilet - yuck!), did laundry (AND put the clothes away - which is a big deal for me), swept my porch, and washed my dishes. Part of me feels guilty because I didn't open any boxes and put things away but I have come to accept that I can't do it all.

That is a big deal for me. I have always been really hard on myself. But I am trying to come to terms with the fact, I can't do it all and that's okay. It really is okay to ask for help if it's needed. It isn't a sign of weakness. It won't be the end of the world if I ask for help or admit that I can't do it all. I'm sure there are times that I will forget this idea, but it is a work in progress. =)

Today at church, the pastor asked us to think about "what type of story do you want your life to be?" Since I am working on this Blog and I am an avid reader, that really struck me. I don't know right now what type of story I want my life to be. But I'm working on it. This afternoon, I began to re-read one of my favorite books (Jewels of the Sun by Nora Roberts) and in it, the main character "runs" to Ireland after her marriage falls apart and she finds herself unhappy with her job. She goes to Ireland (where her granny is from) and begins to give herself permission to live her life. There are times where she doesn't know the direction her life is headed but she believes that it will eventually all fall into place. She has spent her entire life (up until this point) doing what is expected of her and she is slowly doing things that she wants to do. For some reason, I can relate to this character... =)

Well, this is all for now. I will try to write later this week because tomorrow I am trying something else that scares me to death but I'm gonna do it - I am going to attend my first belly dancing class tomorrow evening. I am preparing to feel muscles that I didn't know existed... I'll be sure to post where they are located. =)

Sorry....

I haven't disappeared off the face of the earth, I have had a lot on my plate the last week or so and I haven't had the opportunity to write. Sorry to my readers..... =(

I am back to writing and I don't know if that's necessarily a good thing or not... I have a feeling this post might be all over the place so I apologize in advance.

Yesterday, I had a VERY busy day and am glad that it is over (at least I got a lot accomplished). I had to take my vehicle and have a Smog check run on it (being in the wonderful state of CA, any vehicle over 5 years old has to have an emissions check run on it to make sure it's not polluting the air too much - my car now falls into that category; the age category, not the polluter category). Once the test was run, I could mail in my payment for my car registration (had to have the test run first). I then went to a 2 hour rehearsal for the Hand Bell choir I belong to at church. After the rehearsal that ran a little longer than it was supposed to, I had to hurry to a town approximately 30 minutes away to have my car's oil changed. Luckily, my check engine light turned off on it's own so I did not have to have the diagnostics run on it, just desperately needed the oil changed. I then ran home to get into my Halloween costume (I bought a set of scrubs and went as a doctor) so I could help my friend take her 3 year old son trick-or-treating while her husband stayed home to pass out their candy. No wonder I didn't want to get out of bed this morning.....

It also probably didn't help that sleep eluded me for part of the night last night. I'm not sure why I couldn't sleep, I just know that I couldn't. I'm hoping that I will sleep tonight...

I'm going to NEED to get some sleep before going into work tomorrow. I've been working as a preschool teacher but, starting tomorrow, I am moving to the toddler class. That's right, a class that has 14 little 2 and early 3 year-olds. I am going to need all of my energy/strength during the day and probably my sanity checked tomorrow evening. Hopefully it won't be as bad as anticipated... But in the land of toddlers, you just never know what to expect.

Maybe that's one of the reasons that I couldn't sleep last night. This is just one more situation where I don't know what to expect and I think I've had enough of those situations for awhile. I know that there are always going to be challenges in life; I've just been a little overwhelmed with the "unexpected" this last year.

Despite it all, there is a song (sung by Kelly Clarkson) that I am trying to remind myself of. The chorus goes:

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly

I'll do what it takes 'till I touch the sky

I'll make a wish

Take a chance

Make a change

And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun

But I won't forget all the ones that I loved

I'll take a risk

Take a chance

Make a change

and Breakaway

We'll see where I end up........

Have you ever had one of those days?

I had a feeling today wouldn't be great when I woke-up after a crummy night's sleep and on my way to work, my "check engine light" went off on my car... Ugh! Then when I called about having it checked out, they tried giving me the run around. "Well, we can't see it this weekend.... but I can't tell you if it's safe to keep driving without seeing it... so I can give you an appointment for next weekend... Are you sure you have to drive it until then.....?" Um, yeah. I do need to drive it until then 'cause, oh, yeah, I'm single and only have one vehicle!

Then if that wasn't bad enough, at work today, things just seemed to go from bad to worse. I don't know if that was partially because I didn't sleep very well or what but by approximately 9 o'clock this morning, I just wanted to crawl into bed and throw the covers over my head.

I'm hoping tomorrow will be better but I guess only time will tell...

(I would write more, but because it's been a long day, my brain is shutting down so thoughts are becoming more incoherent. Hopefully by my next post I will have had better sleep and can write with fewer problems.... no guarantee though...) =)

Where does the time go?

Looking at the date today, I can't believe where the time has gone... It has been 11 months since my "wasband" left me a letter saying he was leaving me and that he had moved out. Yes, I received this information in a letter. If that wasn't shock enough, he claims to have told me the reasons behind all of this in the letter and that information isn't in the letter. Maybe one day I'll come to terms with not knowing the reasons...

From the changing of the seasons I know that time has passed, I just sometimes have trouble realizing it's been almost a year. Looking back, I know a lot has happened so it has to be almost a year - - my wasband left me, served me with divorce papers two days after what would have been our 5 year anniversary, my divorce has become finalized, I have moved into my own apartment (my first one ever), I have lost just over 50 lbs., and I am realizing what I can do on my own.

I used to think I needed my wasband to do things for me. I now realize that I liked the things he did for me but I didn't and don't need him. Yes, it would be nice to have a husband and have my own family but I don't need to have one.

There are still times where I question where my future is leading me but I know that I will just have to wait and see. I know that I've been writing a lot about the future, but I think that's because it's so uncertain. Yes, the future is uncertain for everyone, but there are times that my future aren't necessarily dark/black, but it's fuzzy. I guess I just feel that with this VERY fuzzy last year, that I would have a glimpse into one part of my future. While I realize that I have no reason to think I'm going to get that glimpse, it would still be nice....

But on the other hand, if we, as humans, were given the opportunity to see the future, we would probably do something to screw it up. Although it's difficult to believe 100% of the time, I know that as a human, I don't always make the best decisions. If I knew what my future held, I would either get scared and run the other direction or I would make a decision that would change my future. So, I guess it's best that my future is fuzzy....

I am working on being okay with what my future holds (even if I don't know what it is). I want to send a BIG thank you to my family and friends who are helping to encourage me to find the joy in the day to day journey.

Glad my lights are back on =)

When your lights are off for almost 24 hours, there's not a lot you can do. Last night, I had some paperwork to do for my job and I had to complete that by candlelight (no wonder my eyes have been sore all day). When I finally finished the paperwork, my apartment was really quiet. So I decided to turn on my computer and watch a movie. Luckily, my laptop had enough power to get me through the movie and then I decided to go to bed.

While I was laying in the dark, I did a lot of thinking. I've actually had lots of time to think lately... I haven't necessarily liked some of the thoughts that have been floating around in my head. Have you ever felt like no matter what choices you make, you are disappointing someone? Even if at the time you feel as if it's a decision you need/have to make? That's how I've been feeling lately...

This last week, I decided to get my second tattoo. I had the outline of a phoenix and lotus flower put on the top of my right foot. I chose this design because the phoenix rises from the ashes and a lotus flower grows in mud but is a beautiful flower. I wanted a reminder of this so I chose to have it put on my foot so I could see it (I also chose this location because I knew it would hurt and thought after this last year, I needed it to hurt). I didn't want to have it filled in because I don't feel as if I'm filled in yet.

Someone asked me the question, "why didn't you just get a picture to hang on the wall instead of getting a tattoo?" My answer is, I need a reminder that I can take with me, see anytime I need a reminder of where I've been in my past and where I hope my life will lead me in the future.

This wasn't a snap decision, I've actually been thinking about it for the last year. I was going back and forth between getting a phoenix and a lotus flower but then I found the design that was a combination of the two. I'm very pleased with the design but I feel bad that it's upsetting to other people. I know that eventually, once it's fully healed, I can cover it up with a shoe and then it will just be for me.

There are some things I feel I need to do for me. I can actually do things for me. That's not a concept I've fully grasped yet. I also don't know where those things will lead me yet, and even though the journey is scary, I'm going to continue on my way. As someone wise reminded me, "there is a joy in the journey..."

I miss my old couch...

Well, I've spent most of my day moving furniture and boxes around in my apartment (trying to take some of my landlords furniture out so I could bring my table and chairs inside from off of my porch since it's supposed to pour this week). Now that I'm sitting down, finally, I miss my old couch.... Yes, it was oversized and it was black leather and my wasband LOVED it but it was REALLY comfy!! You could just sink right into it. In one sense, I'm glad to be rid of it - it was pretty ugly. Plus, it kind of fit the old me because it was oversized, and now that I've lost some weight, I could probably get lost in it. But I still miss the comfy-ness of it...

Oh, well. I should be thankful that I have a couch to sit on (there was one in my apartment when I moved in) and a place to live, but this couch isn't overly comfy. It's one of those couches that can pull out into a bed. So I guess that's good, but like I said, isn't overly comfortable.

Well, I emptied two wardrobe boxes today and two tote boxes. I guess progress is progress but I am still overwhelmed with boxes at the moment. I have a feeling that by the time I get around to emptying out the last box, it will be time for me to move for some reason and I'll have to pack everything up again. Ugh! Not a thought that I relish....

Granted, I'm still thinking I might want to move one of these days but I don't know where or when. I have to have a job before I can move and those are few and far between right now. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy my job and I enjoy living where I do but there are so many more things out there and I don't know if this is where I'm meant to be...

There are so many things that I want out of life and I don't feel like I have fulfilled all of them yet. I always expected to be a wife and a mother at this point in my life and while I was married, I'm no longer married and I have no children. Yes, I am VERY thankful at this point that I am not a single mother but I still feel like that is missing from my life. And while I have two furry "children" (my doggies), I still want more. Maybe that makes me greedy but it's still what I want.

Well, even though I have tomorrow off of work, I still have some things that I need to get done for my upcoming week. I will try to write more during the week, Grandma. =)

Have I mentioned lately....

Have I mentioned lately how much I absolutely HATE living out of boxes?!?! I know, I know. If I would just unpack them, I wouldn't have to live out of boxes. The downside is trying to figure out how to make all of my stuff fit into my tiny apartment if I do unpack it all. I know all of the boxes fit but I don't know where to put everything if it comes out of the box... So, that being the case, I guess I will just have to keep living out of boxes until I can come up with a better plan...

I'm annoyed with my boxes today because there is something in particular that I am looking for but it's alluding me for now. Someone wants to borrow some of my books that are currently missing in action and I cannot find them. I know that they are somewhere because I'm pretty sure that I packed all of my books but where is the question. I've been racking my brain though and for the life of me I can't remember packing those particular books... I mean, I can't really complain too much because I unearthed some of my sweatshirts (good since the weather is beginning to cool off) but I'm not finding what I'm looking for. Oh, well. I might just have to tell the person I couldn't find the books and she can feel free to come look through my boxes if she really wants too... I know that I could still be looking for them, but I would rather write, so here I find myself... =)

Ok, I must insert "HOORAY FOR MY MOM!!" because from over the phone she helped me find the books that I was looking for! As the phone rang, I thought to myself that these particular books might not have been in my office but maybe with my teaching/crafting area and my Mom packed that area of my house (once again, I must say "hooray for my Mom" for helping me pack all that she did!!!!). Sure enough, as we talked it through, I located the box that had the books I was looking for. =) YAY MOM!!!

I had a different blog topic planned for this week but then it kind of became superfluous. But it irritated me enough that I'm going to write about it anyway. There are those who will really appreciate this, I think (and others who probably will not)... My soap box for today is, SPOUSAL SUPPORT IS NOT OPTIONAL! It is court ordered and therefor HAS to be paid. For those of you who do not want to pay said spousal support, maybe you shouldn't have pushed to get married/divorced in the first place. As you can probably tell, I thought my wasband was going to choose not to pay spousal support this month but the payment made its way into my bank account. Oh, well. The money appeared and that should be what's important, right?

Well, enough of my diatribe today.... More to come. =)

Would I change things?

In the last week or two, I've had some people ask me if I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, would I change things? After thinking about it, my answer is more complex than just a "yes" or a "no."

Would I have changed things with the "wasband?" Yes. Would I have still married him knowing how things ended up? Yes.

I know that may seem strange - why would I go through all it knowing it was just going to end in heartache? If I wouldn't have gone through the heartache, I wouldn't be in the place I am in my life now. Yes, I have (several times) consulted my Magic 8 ball and have asked it if I should just drive my car into the ocean (and the answer from the 8 ball has been "yes" and "no" so I'm confused....) so maybe it's a good thing my Magic 8 ball is still packed in a box somewhere... :)

I would not be on my current quest if I wouldn't have gone through what I have in the last year. So, yes, I would still marry him knowing what I know now because of who I am becoming. I would use the information I know now to make different choices with him realizing even that might not have been enough to save the marriage. Things still might have ended in heartache; there's really no way to know.

Yes, there are times that hindsight sucks but that doesn't mean I would trade it all in just to relive the past. I have learned a lot about myself and who I want to become and who I never want to be again. So, like I said, it's more complicated than a simple "yes" or "no."

Yesterday, I had to laugh at myself again because of something that excited me... I emptied out the suitcases that I have been living out of and put the clothes in my dresser and in the closet! Yes, I still have 3 wardrobe boxes (all three of which, when empty, fit into my Volkswagen Beetle and there was still room for my Mom and I - - it's true!!) to empty but that will come in time. :)

Granted, I still have LOTS more boxes to unpack but it will give me something to do when I'm not working. And who knows, there are lots of opportunities still open to me so I still don't know 100 % where I'm going to end up. Only time will tell... Maybe it's a good thing humans don't have a way to see what the future holds. Yes, I have said at times I wish that I just knew where I was going to end up but (even though it may sound weird coming from me...) I'm kind of enjoying the journey. And I'm looking to see not only where I end up, but who the new "Gypsy" becomes....

Thanks for joining me on my quest. :)

Laughing at myself...

Well, I had to laugh at myself this weekend... Some of my big accomplishments include: figuring out how to make my printer work (I thought I had it figured out but had to call my own personal tech support - thanks Mom and Dad), I found my checkbook (necessary for writing my first rent check ever), and I hooked up my TV to cable. Oh, plus I emptied one box full of kitchen supplies. WooHoo!! I know, not huge accomplishments but I thought they were a big deal. :)

Oh, another thing I did this weekend was I bought myself a clock! It's not just ANY clock though. It is a clock that the "wasband" would NOT have liked and he probably would roll his eyes at it but I DON'T CARE!! I bought it because I liked it and to make the purchase even better, it was on clearance for $5 (marked down from $30).

I am learning to take pleasure in small accomplishments. I figure if I do that, maybe some of the big questions I have for the future may not be so scary. So even though setting up the printer, finding my checkbook and hooking my TV up to cable weren't major accomplishments, they were still accomplishments and I should recognize them.

I was reminded today about the song from "The King and I" (yes, I am a movie junkie - thus the movie references and the fact I can't WAIT to get my movies out of a box) that tells you to "Whistle a Happy Tune" and things don't seem so bad. Yes, my life has taken some twists and turns that I never expected it to take but I'm trying to take it all in stride. Sure, I have some good and bad days (and the bad days can be pretty bad) but I have survived it all. That's gotta' count for something, right? Maybe the song is what has helped me even without me realizing it. I have put on a brave front but there have been days that I've had a bad day without anyone realizing it. Don't want to bring people down with me...

This entire messy situation has shown me that I'm a lot stronger on the inside than I thought. I've always seemed tough on the outside but this has shown me that I'm also tough on the inside. I may stumble along the way but battle scars will just show that I'm a surviver. So even though part of me is bummed that I won't be moving, that doesn't mean that I can't get the fresh start that I want or that it isn't coming.

I will just have to keep plugging away and keep swimming. I thank those around me (both locally and those who are here for me emotionally - since they don't live near me) for providing flotation devices and who are helping to keep me afloat at this difficult time. Thanks for helping me keep my head above water. :)

Just when I thought things were figured out...

Well, I heard from what I thought was going to be my new job yesterday and they decided that salary negotiations were going to become, "this is what your salary is going to be... so what if it's $1.50 less per hour than we told you it was going to be, that's what the salary will be..." So, I have by close of business tomorrow to give them my answer. Hmmmmm..... let me think.....

After a very tearful discussion with my parents (I was the one crying, not them), and some number crunching, I have decided that the best option (mostly financially) is going to be to stay where I am. I have come to terms with that decision. One of the things my Mom and Dad both said (geez, I love my parents; and NO, I'm not just saying that) is that my quest isn't over (even though that's how I initially felt), it is just changing, as quests have a tendency to do. Quests have never promised to be easy and I don't know why I thought mine was coming to an end just because I was moving.

I am proud of myself for at least considering making this big of a move, on my own (with help but still facing being alone after getting there), and yes, it sucks that I won't be doing it now but that doesn't mean it will never happen. Who, knows...

Maybe I need to compare my quest to the ocean. The ocean is ever changing with the waves constantly hitting upon the shore. But that doesn't stop it. It goes out and it comes back in; over and over; never giving up. If you have ever just watched the ocean (which is one of my favorite pastimes), there is no rhyme or reason to where the waves wash up or even how the waves look. One minute they may be lapping peacefully on the shore and the next, the waves are crashing. I just have to view that my quest is crashing upon the shore right now but I have the choice to "just keep swimming" (thanks Mom!) or let myself drown in self-pity.

As for now, I choose to "just keep swimming" and we'll see where I end up....

"How is this a bad plan?"

Okay, so you know the saying "best laid plans....."? Yeah, not so much....

I have been attempting to get all of my paperwork together in preparation for my new job and the "big move" and it's not going as planned..... Paperwork is a funny thing. You turn in what they ask for and it inevitably is the wrong paperwork. You fill out Form A as requested, then they want Form Q. I don't know why I'm so surprised... I am on a quest. Quests aren't supposed to be easy....

After thinking about my last post, I am getting really tired of "warehouse living." I am also getting really tired of the clothes that aren't packed in boxes... I think back before the move and I can't begin to count the number of times I have looked in my full closet of clothes saying "I have nothing to wear..." Now I'm saying "How many combinations can I make out of these 3 pairs of jeans, 5 pairs of capris, a jean skirt and a handful of shirts?" Especially when I work in a Preschool setting.... When you work with 3 and 4 year olds, stuff gets on your clothes. Of course it all says washable, but because I'm limited on clothes, anytime I get something on me, I hope that when it says "washable" that it truly is... There are times I think, "Oh, I could wear this shirt today...... No, wait. I can't because it's in a box. I don't want to wear it that bad.... I know I wore this shirt last week but maybe I can wear it yet again. Of course it's clean but I feel like I just wore it yesterday..." Part of the quest again...

There are times I look at all of my boxes and I wonder if I should just take my computer (so I can continue my blog), my dogs, cell phone, purse and a handful of clothes, jump in my Volkswagen Beetle and drive away. Leave a note for my landlord saying I don't care what they do with the boxes but I'm going on my quest. But then I remember that if I do that and head towards my new job, my paperwork hasn't been completed. So I should probably stay and look at boxes... Ugh!

I am learning that quests are a funny thing. There are times I feel like I am becoming the new me; standing up for myself in situations that would normally have made me say, "Okay, sorry to have bothered you. What would you like me to do instead?" Then there are other times that I feel as if I just chucked it all would it make things any easier?

Today I watched one of the greatest movies of all time, "Man of La Mancha." Watching it reminded me about quests. Watching the man, that everyone thought was crazy, talk about his quest really began to make sense to me. If you have never seen the movie or heard the song "The Impossible Dream," I HIGHLY recommend that you do so. Maybe because it made sense to me, I am becoming my own Gypsy version of Dulcinea... Or maybe I'm Sancho. I don't think I'm Don Quixote yet but maybe someday...

Life among boxes....

Let me tell you - life among boxes is NOT fun at all! I can't believe it's only been a week since I moved into my "interim" apartment (the one I'm in until I make the BIG move for my new job). Looking at all of the tote boxes and random other boxes is making me feel as if I'm living in a warehouse and not an apartment. I mean, I know it's all of my stuff in the boxes (and I know that I probably have WAY too much stuff) but it's a bummer because if I unpack any of it, I just have to repack it when I move again. It's just hard to make any place truly feel like home when you can't unpack...

Granted, I know that I could unpack some things to make this place feel more like home but I really don't want to have to pack it all again... Maybe I would feel better if I knew when I was going to make the BIG move (still waiting for them to tell me when my start date is going to be) so I had it to look forward too. It's hard to really look forward to something when you know it's going to happen "at some point" in the future.

I know, I know. Some people (especially people where I work now and where I go to church) would tell me just to tell my new job that I've reconsidered and then I could stay here and unpack. While part of me says that sounds pretty good about now (because I could unpack and put the tote boxes into storage and not have to look at them anymore), I feel as if I would be missing out on a big opportunity for me to find out who "me" is...

Yes, finding "me" is a prospect that I find pretty nerve-racking (since, other than the past almost 10 months, I've been able to define "me" as my "wasbands" spouse for five years). Before that, I was the college student studying to be a teacher (something that I have wanted to be since I was in Kindergarten myself but am now considering going back to school for something different). Before that I defined myself as the second child in my family (sandwiched between my sister and two brothers).

I've always thought that I've done a good job just "blending in" whether in school or in my family; so the thought of trying to stand out (and strike out on my own) is absolutely terrifying. I've never been overly comfortable in the spotlight and have always been one to encourage other people to be in the spotlight (while I am the support from the sidelines). Yes, I have found myself in the spotlight at more than one point in my life but I don't always know what to do with that light and I often find it to be blinding. But that's for another day...

But back to the boxes.... Even though moving in a new direction terrifies me, it means that I can get to where I'm going and unpack all of these stupid tote boxes! It is yet to be determined if it's going to be 100% worth it but I think it's at least going to be close. :)

Living out of boxes makes it annoying because everything you want becomes a calculated decision of if it's worth it to have to dig in a tote box for... Even when it comes to reading a book or watching a movie (both vices for me) - I have to find the tote, dig around for what I want and then put everything else back in the tote before sitting down to read or watch the movie. It's annoying. I'd rather just go to the bookshelf or the DVD rack and pull out what I want to read/watch... Oh, well. I know that will one day be the case again, I just wish I knew WHEN!

In an attempt to calm down, I think I am going to dig through my tote box of DVD's and find one to watch. Hopefully it will help... Probably not since I have to dig through the box to find a movie to watch.... *Sigh* I'll just have to keep telling myself that maybe in a month or so I can actually go to a DVD rack to pull out a movie and not have to dig in a tote box.... That would be nice; but for tonight, I dig.....

More questions than answers.....

Ever feel as if you could scream in a crowded room and not have anyone look in your direction or even care? That's how I have felt lately... I feel as if when people see me, they look right past me. Not even through me because that would allow them a glimpse inside. In the last few days, more people have found out about my divorce. They have told me they never would have guessed I was going through something like that. Was I really that great of an actress? If so, I think I deserve an Oscar or a Golden Globe or something...

Granted I am a private person (kind of odd coming from someone who is putting their thoughts/feelings out there in cyberspace, huh?) but I find it hard to believe I was able to hide everything. What do I know? Maybe part of the problem comes from the fact that I don't even know who "me" is so how can anyone else? Something to think about and work on I guess....

One of the things I have noticed about myself since the middle of November (when the "wasband" moved out), is I have cried more since then than I think I have in my entire life (up until this point). I have never been a big crier and actually thought that if I did cry it was a sign of weakness. I'm not ready to say that I'm necessarily a huge fan of crying but it does sometimes make me feel better. Almost as if my insides have taken a long, uninterrupted bubble bath. That may sound silly but I am a BIG fan of long, uninterrupted bubble baths.

Anyway, back to crying... There are times I find myself with tears in my eyes for no reason at all. I don't know if maybe I have let too many tears build up inside me over the years and now I have no more room to hold them all or what. It's unnerving sometimes...

I have never wanted to be the "damsel in distress" type. I actually thought that would be kind of a boring existence. I have always seen myself as one who would slay my own dragons (and I think I have slain some along the way - if not slain maybe at least given them a "flesh wound"). But it would be nice to not have to do it alone every time a dragon came along... Occasionally it would be nice to face a dragon and have someone by my side or someone in front of me saying they would take the brunt of the flames (and would not only allow me to help but would welcome my help). I never thought it had to be all or nothing...

Maybe I just need to keep looking but from where I stand right now, I think I am destined to fight alone (even though I really don't want to...). Part of me thinks that maybe the question of dragon slaying is a part of my quest - because most quests have many different aspects to them. I am not only journeying to find myself but also to find out if having it both ways is possible...

But as I have said before..... what do I know?

Starting out...

Well, here goes.... I am facing a new beginning in my life and I thought I would document it... I am new to the blog world but have always enjoyed writing and expressing myself through writing so I thought I would give this a shot...

I have found myself at a place in my life that I never expected and I guess I'll just have to see where I end up. I never imagined that I would be starting over at 28... For the last 5 years, I have been following my husband around the country - supporting his hopes and dreams and career. Nine and a half months ago, he decided to move out and start divorce proceedings. Granted, I'll admit we had problems (probably more than I was ready to admit at the time) but I honestly never thought we would end in divorce. I know that people get divorced everyday and it has become a very commonplace thing to have happen in this day and age - I just never expected to be a part of that statistic. But ready or not, I have found myself a member of the "divorcee community."

Because of this unexpected turn of events, I am facing a move to a part of the country where I don't know anyone. I have a job lined up but I am waiting to hear when they want me to start. Granted I am going to do the same job there that I am doing here but I feel like I need a fresh start and find out who "me" is... The only reason I moved to the part of the country I am in currently, is I followed my ex-husband (here on out referred to as my "was-band" as in he "was my husband") and his job. I don't want to continue to live in a place where the only reason I got to see it was because of him. I feel like I need to move for me (even if it's nuts).

A friend of mine said that professional growth opportunities will come up at different points in my life. She went on to say that personal growth opportunities don't surface that often and if/when one does, I should seize it. That's what I'm going to do.I feel like I have my fingernails into finding myself but when I move and take my new job, I might be able to grasp the new me with my fingertips and go from there...

Yes, I am scared to death... Scared of what if I move and end up not liking my job? What if I move and can't afford my rent? What if I move and can't find my way around my new community? What if... What if... What if... What if's have made me question decisions in the past as well as not try.... Not this time! Granted, I may fail but I'm not going to let my fear of the unknown stop me from taking this opportunity.

Well, enough for now. Need to think about heading to bed but will write more again about my "adventures."