Embracing Scarlett...

This past week, I got two days off of work for Thanksgiving and I enjoyed spending some time recharging.  One of the things that helped recharge me was something that I came across on TV - the movie Gone with the Wind.  Scarlett was recharged from the red earth of Tara and by Rhett (even though neither one of them wanted to admit it).  Even though most people are put off by or even downright hate Scarlett, I wish I had more of her strength.  When she was faced with the hardest of adversities over and over, she never gave up, she persevered and she didn't change for anyone - those things, in my book, are something to aspire to not scoff at.

On Thanksgiving I got to FaceTime with my family and it was almost like I was part of the insanity... I mean festivities... in person.  There were three little boys running around the house, family gathered around the large table of food (wish I could've been there to help eat it!), a dog chasing after the boys, and the fun/noise/chaos/festivities was so much that they didn't hear me calling on FaceTime at first so I had to call on the phone (which they also almost missed).  I am so very excited that I have the opportunity to join the chaos in person in just under two weeks!!!

Like Scarlett (from Gone with the Wind), I am recharged from spending time with my family.  Yes, we are a loud and crazy bunch but I love spending time with all of them and I miss them when I'm not there.  I'm trying not to allow what my staff is saying to bring down my excitement.  A week from tomorrow, I leave for a week long training out of town, will be home for about 8 hours, and then I leave for my trip home (I'll be gone from work until after the first of the year since I'll be on training, on vacation and then the building will be closed).  People at work are asking me what they're going to do and I know that in this upcoming week I need to do a better job at turning it back to them and tell them that I know that they can do their jobs without me there and I have every faith in them.

One of the things that I'm hoping will help me at work is I'm supposed to take part in a webinar this week on Delegating.  I have always struggled with this concept; not because my staff isn't capable but I don't want to overwhelm/burden them with things that I could do myself.  The training that I'll be attending next week will also help me (I hope) - it's a training for new Managers.  Yes, I've been a manager for almost two years but I'm really hoping to use this training to help me in the long run.  I know that whenever you go from the "front lines" of a job to management (which I did), there is an adjustment period and then you have the opportunity to make the job your own - I think I have reached that changing point and am ready to learn how to take that next step.  I know that going to the training isn't ideal timing with my vacation trip but I can't move when the training is - you go when they tell you to go with my job.  Maybe I'll just channel Rhett Butler when my staff complain to me about it - "Frankly, my dear, I don't...." oh, wait - that would probably get me fired so I better not....

Well, my dear readers, I think I'm going to bring this to a close for the evening (even if it is a little bit of a short post) so I can get ready for the week ahead.  Since I'm going to be busy and have two trips to bet ready for, it would probably be helpful for me to create a "to do" list for the week.  But then again, maybe I'll think about that tomorrow (along with Scarlett).....  Have a great week!  =)

Moving beyond emotions...

This past week was an emotional one for me.  Even though I didn't want it to, this year's "anniversary" of the wasband (my ex-husband) walking out hit me like a ton of bricks.  It's been seven years but this past week hit me emotionally as if he just walked out.  I don't know if it's because I attended my sister's wedding not that long ago or because she announced her pregnancy this past week or why it hit me so hard but it did.  I definitely don't want to take away from my sister's joy in her wedding or pregnancy announcement nor do I want to blame how I'm feeling on her.  I just need to work through how I'm feeling and get beyond it.

This upcoming week, I have three very long work days (we'll be open from 7 am - 6 pm since the kids are out of school) and I'll have to go into work for a little bit on Friday to sign off on staff paychecks.  I do get Thursday and most of Friday off so that break will be extremely helpful.  I have some travel upcoming (both for work training and vacation) so having some time to start tidying up the apartment and thinking about what I'm going to pack in two different suitcases will be wonderful. I think it would also be nice to take some time to relax and be lazy since I don't know how much down time I'll have in the next couple of weeks.

I am hoping to do one of my traditions on Friday that I started a couple of years ago - I take myself to the first daily showing of a movie that I want to see.  I began this because I have found that there are usually movies that I really want to see this time of year but I don't always want to see them in a crowded theatre.  If I go during the first showing on Black Friday, the theatre is usually pretty empty (even for movies that have just come out).  My plan for Friday will be to go to the movies and then head into work so I can sign off on paychecks since I'm sure my staff would appreciate getting paid on time.

I was pleasantly surprised by one of my staff members this past week - she knew that I would be working late (had to work on Friday from about 730 am - 800 pm; worked late to teach a CPR class) so she really pushed/encouraged me to take an hour out of the building for some "me" time.  I rarely take people up on that but on Friday I did.  While I was out of the building, I ran and got my flu shot (my arm is still sore) and I got a bite to eat.  Everyone seemed surprised that I left the building but it actually felt really good to do it - plus it showed me that nothing fell apart while I was gone.  This next week will be different since there will be kids in the building all day (during a "normal" day, we don't have kids in the building in the middle of the day in-between having part-day preschool and then picking up the elementary school kids for after school programming).  Maybe one of these days I'll really commit to taking time out of each day for myself since I make sure that everyone else gets that mental break in the middle of their day.

I know that I need to work on taking my own mental breaks but I find it difficult in the midst of trying to make sure everyone else gets the time that they need.  In my head, I know that I'm not going to be good to anyone if I push myself past my own breaking point but my heart tells me to put everyone else's needs before my own...  Something for me to work on along my quest.

Well my dear readers, I am going to bring this to a close for tonight in order to get prepared for my work week ahead.  I hope you are able to spend time with family/friends this week and take some time to think about what you're thankful for.  =)

Reflecting

I have been doing some reflecting on my musing of mirrors (pun not intended) and I'm trying to look at them from a different point of view.  When Alice experienced through the looking glass, she had amazing and one of a kind adventures; yes, some people would argue drugs had some hand in that but that's besides the point...  Rather than fighting the reflection in the mirror, what if I instead embraced Alice's notion of "six impossible things before breakfast" and made that philosophy my own?  How would my perspective/perception change?  This is a concept I would like to work on.

I posted last week about mirrors and how I'm feeling about them currently.  I am still struggling with mirrors (more specifically my reflection in those mirrors) but I am working towards seeing in my reflection what other people see.  My sister-in-law gave me a different way to look at things that I am overly critical of when I look at myself.  What she said is, "It's so hard to see for ourselves what others see in us. For example you have wrinkles so that means you have laughed and learned. The tired eyes show you have a passion for what you are doing and give it everything you've got. The grey hair show that while you might be stressed you've persevered. And the weight means you have provided for yourself and are able to indulge (which isn't a bad thing). Don't look at the "flaws" as negatives look at how you achieved them and what that means about you."  Not only was I humbled by her kind words, I was also kind of shocked.  It's not as if my sister-in-law and I don't get along, we do, it's just that she and I don't often get to spend much time together since we live far apart from one another.

As we approach the different holidays, it makes me realize just how far I live from family.  This isn't a new concept to me since growing up we lived approximately 700 miles (about a 14 hour drive with stops since there were 4 little kids in the vehicle) from family so we didn't get to see them as often as anyone would've liked.  I currently live about 2400 miles from my immediate family so I definitely don't get to see them near enough.  I cherish each and every opportunity that I get to spend with the members of my family.  Since I don't get to visit as much as I'd like, I embrace spending time talking to family on the phone.  I talk to my parents weekly (mostly Mom) and those conversations give me strength.

This time of year can definitely be a struggle because there is so much going on - not only the holidays but this time of year is a flux of emotions for me.  There is the joy of the holidays, missing my family, this is the time of year that the wasband left, and would have been the time of year of our anniversary.  Last year I didn't seem to struggle as much emotionally as I feel I am this year.  It's been forever since my dreams have been invaded by the wasband and I've dreams of him more in the last week than I've cared to.  Hopefully that's done and over with and I can move on with my life rather be dragged down by my past...

It probably doesn't help that it's been kind of dreary here lately and today was just wet and cold.  I have never done well with rain and I think that might have something to do with how I've been feeling lately.  My challenge is to find positives and to embrace them.  I danced a solo yesterday at a performance and I was contacted by the coordinator and she told me that someone said that I was the best performer and that I was the only dancer that seemed happy while dancing.  Knowing that someone said that about my performance really touched me - I just need to remember that going into this next week.

Well my dear readers, I'm going to bring this to a close for tonight so I can get ready for the week ahead.  We are serving two Thanksgiving lunches this week (we have two morning preschool classes so one for each), one of the head honchos will be visiting my work site, and my right hand person at work will be gone for a week-long training - it should be interesting...  Have a great week!  =)

Mirrors

Mirrors are everywhere - and that's not necessarily a good thing for me right now...

I've been extremely unhappy with the reflection I've seen in the mirror lately.  I know that for me that's not something that's necessarily new but it seems to have intensified over the last few months.  I know that the fault is entirely mine and to completely blame the mirrors would be dumb but that doesn't stop me from cringing when I come across a mirror - especially the full length kind.  I also know that the mirror is only showing me my own reflection and it's up to me how I interpret said reflection.  I have always been extremely critical of myself and I know this is something I need to overcome and stop doing.

I spend so much time and effort doing for others that when there is finally a rare opportunity to do for me, I have nothing left.  Not only do I run out of time, there is often no energy remaining for those me moments/opportunities.  All of this I am seeing in the mirror.  There is the weight gain that I automatically see but when I force myself to look in the mirror for longer periods of time, I see how tired my eyes look, wrinkles that didn't used to be there and the addition of gray hairs (at least with this one, I've lucked out slightly and have been gifted with the silver gray that both my parents have). Once again, these things are not the fault of the mirror but the person looking back at me is not someone I want to see.  Why is it that if I had a friend that looked like me or was saying these things, I would jump into action, encourage them to do things for themselves and to take care of themselves but I can't (or won't) do the same for me.  Rather, I don't even have a friend telling me these things - I am left to my own devices and for some reason, I struggle with that concept of being a friend to myself (even though it was at least two entire counseling sessions when I was seeing a counselor after my divorce).

There are times when I wonder how someone who is plus size can be so invisible...  I don't know if it's because I'm an introvert or a people pleaser or what it is but I always seem to notice pain in a person's eyes if they say "I'm fine" or they don't say anything.  If I'm that way, I don't know if it's just my perception or not, but I feel as if people don't notice - they don't notice if I'm having an "I feel small day" or if there is something else going on.  No mater the reason, it does surprise me that it occurs.  Maybe some of it stems from me growing up in the Midwest and "Midwest nice" in engrained (I currently don't live in the Midwest) but not everyone knows what that is; or they do and they tend to take advantage of it.

I started writing this post earlier in the week because I felt compelled to write.  I'm glad that I have been inspired but I didn't necessarily like feeling compelled to write in the middle of the night.  I am trying to embrace the inspiration and the feeling of needing to write in the hopes that I will learn something from all of this or that what I write will touch/inspire someone else.  I am trying to focus on learning things myself because I know that I too often push myself to the wayside - we'll see how well this works out for me...

Well my dear readers, I'm going to bring this to a close for tonight and take some "me time" before heading to bed.  Luckily I get to have one day off this week (we get to be off for Veteran's Day) but the downside we have a staff meeting Tuesday night that will go until at least 9 pm.  Hopefully with the day off, I'll be able to do something for myself - not sure what that's going to be yet but I'm sure I'll come up with something.  We'll also see if I can come to an understanding with my mirror....  Have a great week and thanks for joining me!  =)

Your story

I feel as if I've been running behind all day even though I know I gained an extra hour from "falling back" for Daylight Savings.  I'm sure it doesn't help that I worked 6.5 hour day yesterday (giving me a 6-day work week and knowing that I'm heading into another 6-day work week...) and this past week I also had a dentist appointment one day after work and ended up coming down with an allergy attack or cold which left me without a voice for a couple of days.  Ugh...  Thankfully I'm feeling mostly better and my voice is almost 100% back (comes and goes a little still and I've had a slight cough still today) but it wasn't a fun week.  Plus we had all of the kids and the insanity that comes at Halloween...  Oh, well.  I dressed up as Ursula at work for Halloween so it was fun.  =)

Okay - I shouldn't laugh but one of my dogs was on a blanket on the couch, scratching his ear, minding his own business when my other dog pulled the blanket onto the floor and the result was a very surprised dog toppling onto the floor.  What makes it funnier is I have a long-haired chihuahua and a Yorkshire terrier so neither one of them is a big dog.  The chihuahua is the one who ended up on the floor.  Like I said, I know that I shouldn't be laughing but I just found the whole situation to be super funny.  Maybe I need to embrace this moment and work on appreciating each moment for what it is and not always feel as if I need to feel the "proper" emotion.

There are times where I seem to limit my emotions since I've had "emotional outbursts" bite me in the butt.  Because I feel as if I have to limit my emotions at work, I have found myself limiting emotions in other areas of my life as well and I'm not happy about that.  I definitely don't want to become someone with a robotic personality so I need to learn how to balance things out - the fun and the serious and the silly and the calm.  I know that it's going to be a challenge but it's one that I'm up for because I know that something needs to change.

One of the things that I need to remember is that the rest of my story doesn't need to be put on hold as I'm working on one of the chapters.  I know that I have a tendency to get hyper focused and overanalyze especially when things get frustrating/overwhelming/when I start to doubt myself.  Rather than doubting myself or getting frustrated/overwhelmed, I need to look at these times as learning opportunities and move on from them.  Times like this always make me think of Kermit the Frog.  That may be strange to you but it makes me think of him at the end of the original Muppet Movie - "Life's like a movie, write your own ending.  Keep believing, keep pretending..."

Well my dear readers, I have definitely given myself some things to think about tonight and daylight savings times is catching up with me so I should probably think about heading to bed before too much longer.  I hope you embrace opportunities that add to your story - either positively or negatively, embrace them as your own and let you be you!  =)