Cynical

I have found myself lately becoming more and more cynical and I'm not sure if it's just because of me or if it's based on my situations.  One such situation arose at church this morning - the pastor had been talking to someone and then walked past me and in a general direction crooked her finger for someone to follow her; when no one did, she said, "Hey, you with the black hair, I meant you" (I was the one with the 'black hair').  She's been at the church for more than a year, I know she knows my name but yet she referred to me this way.  I walked over to her and she proceeded to tell me that she didn't really know me and if I was interested, she wanted to get together at some point.  This really surprised me and I don't think she expected my response - I responded that she really didn't know me because she hasn't really made an effort to want to know me.  From day one, she has seemingly taken one look at me with my tattoos, piercings, and unique personality and has written me off - I don't respond well to that.

Similar situations that came up this weekend happened at two different dance gigs the troupe participated in.  We had a gig Friday night that I really didn't know if I was going to make it to - we needed to be ready at 6:30 and I don't typically get off work until after 6 so the plan was to leave work at 5.  I was watching the clock Friday and of course different situations blew up and I didn't leave work until 5:45.  I rushed home, threw a costume on, slapped some make-up on and ran out the door.  I was the last one to arrive at the studio (I HATE to feel like I'm late) and we headed to the gig. Because I didn't have any down time, I just wanted to be left alone but people kept pushing me to smile and talk and "be happy" - all of which just made me retreat further into myself.  We get to the performance and the DJ wasn't able to play the music my instructor had so she demanded my phone (which I had left in the van), the DJ needed me to take my case off and then they wanted to start the show before I had time to get myself ready.  Then at the Saturday night performance, similar type of thing where people were trying to force me to smile and "be happy" but thankfully a fellow dancer stood up for me and told people to just leave me alone.  That meant a lot to me because people don't often come to my aid that way.

I think people are under the impression that because I'm single, they need to force me to participate in social situations.  I find just the opposite to be true.  Because I'm constantly being pulled in 1000 different directions at work at any given time and then I'm rushing to the dance studio or choir practice, there are times I just need to be alone and quiet.  People always seem surprised when I don't want to go out after work or join up with them after dance but there are times I just need to go home and just allow myself to be me and my dogs.  I've realized that to be true when I go to visit family too; I love being around my family but it's almost as if I need a day or two to adjust to being around them again because here it's just me and the noise can sometimes be overwhelming.

One of the things that I think might help my cynicism is this should be my last 60+ hour work week for awhile.  This is the last full week of summer programming and then the kids go back to school Wednesday of the following week.  Once the kids go back to school we are going through our building's reaccreditation so I might have to put in some additional hours just to get everything ready to go but if we pass with flying colors, the extra time will be worth it (I hope).  I've also talked with some of my staff to let them know that I'm going to have to look at rearranging some schedules possibly because I cannot continue to work from open to close every single day, especially when we're in extended hour programming.  We'll see how well that goes over...

Well, my dear readers, I think this cynic is going to bring this to a close for tonight in order to get my armor ready for the week ahead.  Oh, on the plus side, the treat jar went over really well with my coworkers this past week and I even added a second one - one of the treat jars is filled with sugary treats and the other is filled with salty treats - and the staff seem excited about both of them (yay for doing something right!).  I hope that you have a great week and that none of us become overwhelmed with our cynicism...

Right = left?

I was reminded today about the contradictory thought from the movie Cars; sometimes you have to turn right to go left.  Wait, what?!  How does turning right get you to go left?  The cars were on a dirt track so turning the wheel right did help them in going left.  What this helped me to realize is sometimes, in order to do what you need to do, you have to look at it from the opposite perspective so things fall into place.  I am attempting to do this especially in the area of my life where things feel like they're falling apart - work...

Once again I feel as if work is crumbling around me and I'm desperately attempting to cling to the pulverized pieces as they fall through my fingers.  I know that as the boss I need to learn to keep things together but it makes it difficult when there are people who are rooting for you to fail (or at least it feels that way).  I have one person at work in particular that feels as if they are rooting for me to fail and I am trying to not have them get under my skin - some days are better than others but I am trying.  There are times I wonder if I'm supposed to stop trying and just do it but I'm struggling to discover how to accomplish this.

I am thankful that there are only 2.5 weeks remaining to summer programming because I feel as if things will balance out once we return to regular in school programming.  Granted, this past week I found out that one of my staff is putting in their two week notice so that will put some strain on things but it will give the opportunity to bring new blood into the building.  Regardless of which direction things have to go because of this change, I am hoping that things will change for the better in the long run.  We'll see...

I was introduced to a saying about a week and a half ago that I am definitely trying to embrace - "Note to self:  None of us are getting out of here alive, so please stop treating yourself like an after thought.  Eat the delicious food.  Walk in the sunshine.  Jump in the ocean.  Say the truth that you're carrying in your heart like middle treasure.  Be silly.  Be kind.  Be weird.  There's no time for anything else."  I know that I have been treating myself as an after thought and I need to stop doing that.  I feel like I'll do something to make progress (like taking myself whale watching last weekend) but then I'll turn right back around and forget about my wants/needs and bow to whatever anyone else wants/needs. ..

Yesterday I embraced the opportunity to take two dance workshops from a dance instructor I know about from online.  She offered these classes about an hour and a half away and I convinced one of my fellow troupe-mates to go (we then found out that my instructor and another student signed up to attend as well).  Even though I'm tired and sore after the three hour day, I feel as if I learned a lot and it was definitely a fun day.  There was one correction I received that I wasn't able to do because of my bum knee but I'm hoping to be able to fix that based on one of her other corrections so that's a plus.  Because I had such an enjoyable time, I want to take more opportunities such as this one as they come up.

One of the things that really surprised me was I was approached by two dancers who said they have seen me for the last two years dance with the troupe at one of the largest dance festivals and they were excited to meet/talk with me.  They said that they love watching me on stage and that out of all of the members of the troupe they watch me because I can flip my hair better than anyone and I don't have any (I have short, spiky hair but they said I have the attitude of the hair flip nailed!).  I said that was a slightly weird thing to be "famous" for but I would embrace it.

I guess that goes along with turning right to go left - it's a contradiction but it works.  As I head into another potential 60+ hour work week, I'm going to try my best to look at things from different perspectives and to not treat myself like an after thought.  One of the other things I'm going to do this week at work is I'm going to put a "treat jar" in my office in an effort to "feed my enemies" (or  catch more flies with honey than vinegar or some other metaphor....).  Maybe this will help present a different perspective to my coworkers.  We'll see how well that goes over...

On that note, my dear readers, I'm going to bring this to a close for this evening and get myself prepared for the week ahead.  I hope you have opportunities to put yourself first and embrace the contradictions in your own life.  Thanks for joining me!  =)

Recharge

Yesterday I embraced on a much needed "run away me-venture" (a me adventure).  After working yet another 60 hour work week (plus dance & choir), I out of the blue took myself whale watching.  I'm not exactly sure how/why I draw strength from being out on the ocean but when I boat docked I felt recharged.  Maybe I was a pirate or a mermaid or a sea witch in a previous life...  =)

I am starting to realize that waiting to recharge my batteries until I'm completely running on empty is a bad thing.  I am also noticing that if I allow myself to completely run down, the charge isn't lasting as long; which also isn't a good thing.  I need to find some way to not let my batteries run as low or to completely empty because I know it's not good for me on many different levels - it's not good for my mental/emotional/spiritual/muchness health.  On the plus side, this upcoming week at work marks week 6 out of 8 of summer programming and I can go back to more "normal" work hours when it's all said and done.

This weekend I ended up having to bring some work home since I have annual staff evaluations due to the end of the week - ugh.  I don't know if I'm over thinking them or what but I always find writing them to be challenging.  Granted, last year was my first year having to write them but so far this year has not magically made them any easier to write.  Part of it may come from last year I didn't want to come across as too harsh (as a brand new manager) but this year I don't want to just give them the same performance rating if that's not the level of work they're producing.  I want to be honest but I also want to be fair.  Being a manager is hard...

On the plus side, I did make some progress along my managerial quest in dealing with one of my co-workers this past week.  He was trying to let me know that we (he and I) needed to pull someone into the the office for a conversation and we should present a united front in the conversation; but he didn't want to give me the details behind why the conversation needed to happen.  I told him that I wasn't going to agree to having a "we" conversation if I didn't have all of the details.  I also told him that I needed him to put the reasoning in an email for me to review and then I would make the final decision.  He came to me later in the week asking about the conversation and I reminded him that I still didn't have an email with the details; as of now, I still don't have said email.  Standing up for myself as the manager definitely felt good.

Today I took myself a little outside of my comfort zone and I went to an event at the dance studio.  One of the local dancers will be moving in about a month and they organized a belly dance costume sale & swap at the dance studio this afternoon.  Events like that are usually something I attend since there are very few dancers in this area who would sell things that would fit me.  One of my dance friends who's items would fit me was going to be selling things so I decided to go for a little bit.  I ended up heading to her corner of the studio where she told me she was actually holding a belt aside for me.  I bought the belt, a top and a costume from her.  She gave me a fabulous deal on it all and I told her that there were some other pieces I was eyeing if she didn't end up selling them today.  Even though I wasn't there long (and I was uncomfortable), I was glad I stopped by.

Well my dear readers, since I had my me-venture yesterday and I went dance shopping today, I should probably bring this to a close so I can spend more time writing staff evaluations.  I hope you have a spectacular week and that you do something to recharge your batteries!  =)

Inner nerd

The inspection is over and we have our preliminary results - we didn't do as well as I wanted us to but we did better than last year so I'll take the 86% we received (got an 82% last year).  My boss isn't thrilled with the results but as people in the management field have pointed out to me, a 4% increase in a year is a pretty big deal.  Based on the results, there are definite improvements that need to be made but I'm confident that we can take care of them - I just need to get my staff to see that.  In getting my staff's assistance, I have to work on how the message is presented because I had a conversation with one of my staff this last week where they informed me that the bulk of the staff is scared of me/afraid to come to me with things.  I had a heart-to-heart with my parents about this (thanks!) an they suggested I look into management classes of some sort or seeing what books I can find on the topic.  I found a book online, ordered it and it should be delivered tomorrow so hopefully that will help...

There may be some validity to the statement but it's hard to not take it personally.  I just find it difficult to turn emotions on/off and make it sound sincere to say those "manager phrases" (i.e. "What I hear you saying is...") and dropping everything (no matter what I'm in the middle of) if they need something.  I know that helping the staff is part of my job but my other responsibilities don't stop just because they need something and I also won't be able to give them exactly what they need 100% of the time.  All I can do is keep trying and moving forward...

It's difficult for me to focus on the good things I've accomplished in the past year when this has now surfaced.  I had been excited to hear some of what one of the inspector was saying since he was one that inspected us last year too and he commented on the positive changes he's seen since he was here a year ago.  But since I tend to be a perfectionist, I am now only focusing on discovering that the staff are scared of me and that's difficult for me to hear since I thought I had been making progress.  There's always more progress to be made and there is always room for reflection/growth...

I think I might not be so hard on myself if I felt as if I had more knowledge of what was expected of me in terms of being a manager.  Don't get me wrong, I would still be a perfectionist but I would at least have more knowledge.  I'm hoping that the book that I ordered will assist with some of this.  When I've tried asking those in the other building in management about assistance, I've been met with how long they've been managers and how they just had to glean the information for themselves.  As someone who went to college to be an elementary school teacher, I do understand the importance of learning information for yourself but there is also a time and place to have someone point you towards the information you seek.

Maybe I just need to fall back on a saying that I came across - "embrace the chaos; life might astonish you."  I have definitely felt as if life has been a little (or a lot) chaotic lately so this saying just might help me.  Rather than fighting the chaos that life is presenting, I need to learn how to embrace it and in turn reduce my stress levels.  Maybe in reducing my stress levels, it will assist me in how I deal with the frustrations I sometimes face in dealing with my coworkers.  It all comes full circle!  =)

Well now that I've just had my epiphany, I'm going to bring this to a close for tonight.  Hopefully I will be able to use this bolt of lightning to my brain (epiphany) to my advantage this week and I also hope that my book is everything that I need for it to be in terms of work (it's a "for dummies" book so it should...).  Hmmm.... I just realized that I'm going back to my "nerd" routes since I'm putting this much emphasis on having a book help me out...  Oh, well; I'll embrace my inner nerd (and this nerd will hopefully show a little muchness too!).  Have a good week, my dear readers!  =)