Let it go... let it go...

I decided to take this weekend off - off from dance, off from singing in the choir - just off.  I didn't end up having to work for my Sports Coordinator yesterday (the softball team she coaches had been in the playoffs and they lost during the week so they didn't play in the championships yesterday - I felt bad they lost but was glad that I didn't have to work) and I opted not to go to the dance studio.  I made the decision to take a break.  I did the same thing with singing in the church choir this morning - I took a break.  I had been wanting to take a break the last couple of weeks but the director had reasons why they needed me there those weeks; I told him at Thursday's rehearsal that he wasn't going to guilt me into it again.  I didn't have anything spectacular that I needed to do; I just needed some me time.  My next challenge to myself is taking a day or two off of work for me time.

This past week was pretty interesting at work...  We had a staff meeting on Tuesday and surprise to me, the boss of my boss attended.  She and I talked for a bit and she had nothing but praise for the building.  On Wednesday I got a phone call from my boss saying that the head boss was displeased by the state of my office - I'm in the middle of several huge projects, building accreditation and preparing for an inspection so my work table and desk were covered with work.  In the phone call, I was told to drop everything I was working on and to not do anything until my office was clean.  I wasn't happy about it but I did what I was told.

I guess one of the things that frustrated me most about it is I had to put away everything that I was working on only to get it back out to work on it.  I was instructed to only get out what information I'm working on and then to put it back as soon as I'm done.  These instructions came because this is how she (the boss of my boss) prefers to work and to maintain her office.  I know you sometimes just have to play the work game but it still is frustrating to me.

What I need to learn is how to not let things frustrate me or if they do frustrate me, I need to learn how to let them go (without the solution just to be breaking into the "Let it Go" song).  ...  Something just happened that will allow me to attempt to practice this - I just checked my work email (what possessed me to do that?!?) and I have an email from an employee telling me she has a doctor's note excusing her for the next two weeks (and she had a doctor's note for this past week) - what am I going to do??  This week is the last week of school and next week is the first week of summer programming and I need all hands on deck.  Oh, well.  I guess I don't have an option really...  I don't have a choice but to make it all work.

Something that does make it difficult for me is to make things work when I don't feel as if I have the means to do so.  Being down this staff member when I'm already short-staffed (the person who had been working in my kitchen had his last day on Friday; his wife got orders so they're moving) is going to be complicated and I might have to put in extra hours myself - I might have to be in programming myself and then put in extra time to get my office work accomplished.  I do enjoy spending time in the program but I'm going to have to find a way to balance everything.  I am sympathetic to her situation but I have to keep the building running somehow.  Maybe I should wear my running shoes to work tomorrow just to be on the safe side...

On the plus side, I took the opportunity to call to my Grandma today (hi, Grandma!).  I haven't talked to her in quite some time and I decided to try calling her out of the blue today.  We had a very nice talk and then I called and talked to my Mom.  What's nice about talking to both of them is they offer me different ways to look at situations and support me regardless of my choices.  The three of us are very much alike and when we get together we finish one another's thoughts/sentences and it's difficult for anyone else to get a word in edge wise - always fun.

Well, my dear readers, I think I should probably bring this to a close since I have some things to figure out going into the next few weeks of work being down a staff member.  Or, what I might do instead is get as much rest/relaxation tonight as I can since the next couple of weeks (and going into summer) is going to get a little (or a lot) hectic.  Thanks for joining me on my quest again and I hope we have opportunities for muchness this week!  =)

Dormant

I went and got my haircut today (took me some time but I finally found someone who can cut my hair - most people look at the curls and I see them become defeated before they start by the look on their face).  So after I got my haircut, I snapped some photos and posted them online.  Shortly there after, I checked back and friends were commenting; saying that it looks good/different and they were glad to see this "new" side of me.  After thinking about it, this isn't a "new" side of me, this side of me has just been dormant for awhile and I'm letting her back out.

It has been a long/emotional week for me and getting this haircut was a nice release.  I've actually wanted to have a version of this hairstyle for awhile now but I've either settled on the stylists interpretation of it or I've just done a shorter version of how I'd been wearing it.  It's a style that I had a version of (short sides/back and longer on top) but I've had it cut so I have a few options - I can either turn the top into a faux mohawk or leave it just messy/curly on top.  Since I often have difficulty finding the "right" product for my hair, I actually asked the stylists opinion - I was presently surprised when she called in another stylist for his input.  Between the two of them, they gave me suggestions for some really nice (yet affordable) products for both styles.

Why was it a long/emotional week you may ask?  I ended up working Monday - Saturday this past week (I worked on Saturday so my Sports Coordinator could have the day off; and I'll be doing it again this upcoming Saturday for her) and clocked just over 60 hours.  If I'm working doctor's hours, I wish I was making a doctor's salary; I myself am a salary employee, however I only get paid for the first 40 hours I worked.  We are gearing up for two pretty major inspections and I was putting in some work towards those as well as preparing for summer programming.  I'm probably at 75% for both of the inspections in preparing the required documentation and I'm pleased with that accomplishment.  On the other hand, I also had to have a pretty intense conversation with one of my coworkers that just left me drained...

There was a situation that came up this week where this particular coworker felt as if I intentionally left them out of the loop.  Their feelings were hurt because they didn't think their was communication between us so in order to air things out we had a conversation that lasted just over two hours.  I didn't mind that the conversation itself happened but it was frustrating that it was a two hour+ conversation.  Oh, well.  It happened, it's over, we move on (hopefully...).  If nothing else, it will probably be a good thing that this week is a 4-day work week...

To help continue to bring out the "dormant me," I am going to come up with a plan that helps make that happen.  I'm sure it's going to take some time/effort to create this plan but I know that I need to do something.  Since I have tomorrow off of work, I am going to begin the plan tomorrow I think.  Since I just realized how late it is, it's probably a good thing that I get tomorrow off of work because I'm not sure when I'm going to be falling asleep tonight (since it's about midnight and I'm still wide awake).  I probably should bring this to a close so I can start the process of heading to bed.  I hope that each of you have a great week ahead my dear readers and we can all work on improving ourselves.  Thanks for reading!  =)

Empty...

I feel as if I'm currently running on fumes and am in desperate need of finding a way to refuel.  I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to accomplish this but I know that I need to do something...  I don't know if it's been from attempting to do too much, lack of sleep, stress, no time off, a combination, or what but I need to figure something out because I can't keep this up...

When the gas tank of your car is empty, you have to fill it.  When your stomach is empty, you fill yourself up by eating.  When your muchness is empty, there is no surefire way to refill it.  Yes, we all have those magical places/things that revive us, however what do you do when things are too crazy/busy in your life in order to make refueling places/things a priority?  I am constantly encouraging people around me to find ways to refuel but I haven't figured out yet how to do that for myself.

It probably doesn't help that I had an interaction at work this past week that has had me replaying the conversation in my head to see if I handled it the best I could have.  There is a person at work who we often don't see eye to eye and we had a conversation about it this last week.  It often feels to me as if this person wants my job (or at least doesn't want me to have it) even though they claim this isn't the case.  It makes it difficult to make decisions when you feel as if there is someone (or more than one someone) who is going to question everything you say/do.  In my head, I know as the boss I just need to take control of the situation but I haven't learned how to do that yet.  That just makes me feel as if I'm failing...  I don't like this overwhelming feeling of failing mixed with letting people down.  I know that I put a lot of pressure on myself and I do find it difficult to let some things go (which I need to learn how to do).

This feeling of question my own decisions spilled over into my dance performances this weekend.  Yesterday I had two solo performances (I'm still trying to wrap my head around how I over scheduled myself but that's not the point) and between going to/from both of them, I put about 130 miles on my car.  Friday night, middle of the night, I had trouble sleeping because I still hadn't finalized what I was going to perform.  For the first performance, I had about 15 minutes to fill and I ended up selecting one of our troupe choreographies that's about 12-13 minutes.  It's a choreography that isn't my typical "go-to" style but I feel as if I did a good job with it.  For the second show, I performed my sword solo but wore a new costume that Mom made me awhile ago and I just haven't worn yet.  Both costumes were definitely more colorful than my usual solo costumes (the first one was fuchsia, blue, purple and black and the second one was orange, pink, silver and black) but I did like how they looked in the photos.

I'm thinking that, in general, I need to do a better job of cutting myself slack in different situations.  I don't know how I'm going to accomplish that yet but I think that it might be mentally/emotionally what I need.  I'm not sure how/when I'm going to do it, but I also think something that I need is to find a day or two (during the work week preferably) where I just drop off the proverbial grid and do whatever comes to me.  We'll see how that turns out...

Well, my dear readers, I think I'm going to bring this to a close for the evening and do something for me since I'm running on empty.  Maybe I'll make a small adult type beverage, grab a book and just relax some before heading to bed (and hopefully getting a decent night's sleep) to prepare for the work week ahead.  Thanks for joining me, dear readers, and I hope that you are able to start your week with a full tank of muchness.  =)

Mother's Day

I'm going to take a break from my recent diatribes and write from the heart today...  I am extremely thankful for my Mom, not only today, but every day.  There have been times that I Mom and I haven't seen eye to eye (that's probably an understatement) but I wouldn't change things for the world.  Well, I take that back, one of the things I would change is I would live closer to my Mom...

Growing up, I know that I was a pain in the butt as a teenager and when I wasn't sighing/rolling my eyes at everything, my favorite word (often when sighing and/or rolling my eyes) was "whatever."  It's a miracle that I wasn't locked somewhere by myself until I grew out of that stage.  One of the things that helped to shake me out of that stage was when Mom and I went to college together.  Not everyone gets to say that and I know a lot of people who have told me that sounds weird but I truly enjoyed it.

To help explain, I went to a branch campus of the University I attended and it happened to be in the town I grew up.  My parents let me stay at home through college (which I am very grateful for) since I was a full time student and I was working.  My Junior year, Mom decided she wanted to complete one of her lifelong goals of turning her Associate's Degree into a Bachelor's.  Because she and I had the same major (Elementary Education), she and I ended up taking many classes together.  Some of the teachers started to referring to us as "the twins" since we look alike.  I found it to be an amazing experience; we pushed one another and it brought us closer together.

She and I have also grown closer through us both belly dancing.  I am very fortunate to have a Mom who is a seamstress and she makes my dance costuming.  Many of my fellow dancers say that they want to be "adopted" by my Mom so they can get amazing costuming too (and what makes it funny is some of the dancers who say that are my Mom's age or older and then want to be "adopted" by her).  One of the things I love about Mom making my costumes is that I feel as if part of her is with me in every performance.  Yesterday we took place in a Shimmy Mob where belly dancers from around the world learned the same choreography; we were sent T-shirts that we could decorate, told to wear them with black pants and anything else we wanted - I debated making my own belt from an on-line pattern I found but decided instead that I wanted a piece of Mom with me so I wore a belt she just recently made for me.

Today I took the opportunity to re-watch one of my favorite movies (and namesake from which I chose to name my blog after), Gypsy.  In re-watching this movie, Mama Rose and Gypsy definitely had their differences but I think lots of that comes from how similar those two were (even though they would NEVER admit it); they were both very strong women, they just wanted someone to be proud of them and they wanted to have the opportunity to be their own person (Rose wanted to be in the spotlight and Gypsy wanted to be loved.  Mom and I both have sides of us that others see and then there is that side of us that we wish could come out on a more regular basis.

Mom, I know I don't say it often enough but I love and appreciate you more than I could ever say/write.  Thank you for all that you do that's above and beyond; you are my rock, my lighthouse, my Mom.  I love you!  ~ Gypsy

Survival mode...

I survived my week of work travel and the teen from the building that traveled with me survived and make it back too (even though I threatened to leave her behind if she didn't behave).  She and I actually had a great opportunity to get to know one another on a different level while we were on this trip.  Even though I was not happy how the trip was passed along to me, I am glad that she and I went.  I know that she would have had a different experience if the other staff would have been able to go but there's nothing that can be done about it now.  On the plus side, many of the teens and other advisors this past week told me that I seemed like a very fun/unique individual so I guess I was able to show "me."

The travel consisted of some very long days and on Thursday the plane landed at 9:45 pm.  After handing off the teen to her Mom and saying good-byes, I had to go pick up my dogs.  Once I picked them up, got them cleaned off (one of them gets carsick) and to bed, and then got myself together, it was after 11 pm/midnight before I got to bed.  The next day I went into work early to run customer billing and work on signing off on payroll.  While I was working on that, I got a call from my boss asking me why I was at work because we had discussed me coming in later (because I had to work our late night on Friday).  I told her that I didn't recall having a discussion about not coming in to run billing and payroll.  She told me, as my boss, that she was telling me to go home for awhile and to come back later in the afternoon to work the late night.  I ended up leaving work at about 10:30 am and heading back in around 4:30/5:00 pm and then I worked until 10:30 pm.

Looking back, it was probably a good thing that I went home for that time.  I was exhausted and definitely had my "grumpy pants" on while I was at work.  Ironically I was given a hard time for having on "grumpy pants" when my boss often says that she's wearing a pair of her own.  Oh, well.  I guess that's one of the reasons why she's the head boss - she can get away with doing things like that. I know that one of the reasons why I had on my "grumpy pants" on Fridays was just not feeling as if I've had any sort of a break since Christmas.  This is something that I'm definitely going to have to work on remedying - and soon.

Unfortunately, even as I typing that I need to go on a break soon, I don't know when I'm honestly going to be able to make that happen.  We have huge things upcoming at work (budget inputting/brief with the boss of the boss, upcoming summer programming, self study evidence collection/submission for the building's upcoming accreditation, and our yearly national inspection....).  If I survive all of this, I think I have definitely earned some time away from work.  At this point, looking at the list, it's my hope that I do survive it all...  I guess it's time to kick it into survival mode.

While I was gone on my work trip this past week, they actually didn't have us staying in a hotel like I thought they were going to but we were basically in a temporary rental house.  It was a 3-story house (basement with a full bathroom, a living floor with a kitchen/dining room/living room, and the upstairs with three bedrooms and another full bathroom) and it made me really miss living in a house.  I live in a basement apartment and the only time I'm in a house is when I'm visiting my parents.  I don't know if it really hit me about the housing situation because I'm still drooling over the house I found/fell in love with or what but it made me really miss having the separation of living areas and stairs.  Maybe one day...

Well, my dear readers, on that note, I'm going to bring this to a close for tonight.  I have some things to do around the apartment to accomplish that I didn't get done since I was gone last week and I'm busy this next week at work and extracurriculars.  Because I'm going to be so busy, I'm hoping to carve out a little bit of time for me; we'll see how that goes...