Learning to be selfish...

I have learned something this past week -- I don't do enough things for me.  I had worked enough hours this past week (worked a late night where the building was open so parents could go out on a date and then we had a two hour staff meeting) where I was supposed to take an entire day off of work.  I'm sure you can guess that I didn't do it...  My fellow office staff finally kicked me out of the building on Friday at just after 4 pm (we close at 6 pm).  My original plan had been to leave after signing off on payroll but one thing after another just kept popping up and I didn't walk away.  I definitely need learn to be selfish and to start walking away...  I'm going to look at my work schedule and see how I can accomplish that...

I had my dance performance yesterday and it didn't go exactly how I wanted it to.  When I finally decided on what I was going to dance to, it had the potential of being a very strong/dynamic/dramatic solo.  The music I picked (very late in the week) was a middle eastern version of "I Put a Spell on You" and our troupe's story dance (which is a very sassy dance portraying what a woman wishes she could tell her cheating hubby and then kicks them out).  I had a plan in my head and that plan flew away when I found out last minute that my dance instructor was coming to the performance.  It was wonderful that she came to support me but since we have two very different dance styles, it made me more nervous than I wanted it to and I think my performance suffered.  I do think that the music combination has enormous potential and I will use it in another show.

After coming home from the performance and getting cleaned up, I decided to take myself to the movies.  I ended up seeing a movie that was cheesy, bad humor, interesting storyline and I enjoyed myself immensely.  It was funny; as the movie ended, I heard a couple of women tell the men they were there with that they weren't allowed to pick the next movie they saw and I just laughed.  The storyline was more action movie so I can see their point but I got to see what I wanted to see.  I am finding that every so often I do enjoy taking myself out and I think I do need to do things like that more often.

I was realizing the other day that there are a couple of things that I am missing in my life - I am missing going whale watching and I am missing going to the aquarium.  I renewed my yearly membership at the aquarium at Christmas and I haven't been at all this year yet.  It's also been forever since I've taken the opportunity to go out on the boat whale watching.  These are things that I need to do for my own mental well being and I haven't taken the opportunity to take advantage of these places.  This is something that I need to change; even if I need to take a day or two off of work in order to make this happen.

I think if I can find/take opportunities to have those mental health moments, I can work on finding me.  It should not be this difficult.  When I feel overwhelmed, I start to shut everyone out because it's easier for me but it's also a lonelier place.  I encourage my staff to take days off and I encourage them to talk to me about things that they need to and yet I don't take days off and I shut down.  Looking at how I've been feeling, this is no longer working for me.  I definitely need to learn how to bring the balance back into my own life...

In order to make some of these things happen (from things at work, dance, personally), I think I need to be a little bit more selfish than trying to help take care of everyone else.  In order to help prepare for my week ahead, I think I'm going to select my muchness outfit to wear to work tomorrow, at least think about preparing my lunch and put my feet up before heading to bed.  I hope you have a week ahead that you fill with your own individual muchness and I thank you for joining me yet again my dear readers.  =)

Ready for bed...

It has been a very long week both at work and in contemplating some things in my own life.  I also had a very long day today - spending upwards of 8 hours moving furniture and trying to make some sense of the chaos that is my bedroom...

Back at the beginning of September, I don't know if you recall but one of my dogs had a ruptured access, required surgery and I ended up sleeping on the couch with him.  I hate to say it, but since then (other than when I was out of state at training and on vacation), I have been sleeping on the couch.  Some of it was out of sheer laziness and I hate to admit that since it sounds horrible...  My bed had become covered with laundered clothing and random belly dance costume items/accessories. I have also had the same bedspread/sheets on the bed for as long as I can remember (don't worry; they had been washed on a semi-regular basis).

Today I bought a new bedspread set, new sheets, a new bedside lamp and some wall decorations.  Where I live, I'm not allowed to paint the walls or put holes in the walls.  I have become very savvy with Command Hooks (LOVE them!!) and to liven up my bedroom, I got a roll of vinyl wallpaper essentially and it brought a lot of fun to my bedroom.

Because I bought the new bedding and accessories, I decided to move furniture around in my bedroom.  You can't really tell from the photo but I have a tiny bedroom with too much stuff in it so it took roughly 8 hours to get the bed where I wanted it and get this much accomplished.  What you can't see in the photo is how much still needs to find a new home in the room - luckily I have tomorrow off of work and I can hopefully get more in the room done.

What brought on this sudden change you may ask...  I had reread one of my favorite books this week where in it a life coach who encourages others to basically embrace their muchness feels as if her own life is a lie.  She wears boring/drab clothes, lives in a house she hates, hides from someone she has feelings for while encouraging others to go outside of their comfort zone to embrace their "true" inner self.  Lately I have felt as if I have been working so hard to encourage/build up those around me (at dance/work/other aspects of my life) that I have gone by the wayside.  Something that just came to me - I don't know if I have been subconsciously been punishing myself for that by continuing to sleep on the couch; interesting perspective to think about...

I've been feeling lost at work again (lots going on and working too many hours so that definitely doesn't help), feeling as if I've plateaued at dance (in addition I'm supposed to perform a solo on Saturday and I have no idea what I'm going to dance to...), I'm nowhere near where I want to be weight-wise and I've been beating myself up for all of these things and more....  Because I am so busy building up those around me, it brings me no time (or energy) to build myself up.  One of the things my Mom reminded me of was "homework" that was assigned to me when I was in therapy after my divorce - I was tasked with writing myself a letter as if the letter was being written for a dear friend.  It was an interesting/challenging assignment to say the least.  Mom suggested I write a similar letter to myself again.  It would be an interesting read...

Well, my dear readers, needless to say, I am ready for my bed tonight.  I think I'm going to take some pain relievers (since my muscles are starting to protest all of the work I did today), maybe read a little bit and then head to bed.  I hope we all have opportunities to find/embrace our muchness this week and not feel as if we have to hide or as if our lives are a lie.  Thank you for joining me along my quest!

Perfectionistic Workaholic

I had both coworkers and parents of kids in the building refer to me as a "perfectionistic workaholic" this past week at work.  I ended up back at the doctor (because my ear had gotten to a point of being unbearable), put back on two different medications (oral antibiotics 4 times a day for 10 days and ear drops that are antibiotics/steroids 3 times a day) and was told to rest.  I went to the doctor Thursday night and was supposed to take Friday off of work.  My plan was to work a half day (I know, I know.... I shouldn't have gone in at all...) and then head home to rest.  I'm sure you have already figured out, I didn't end up making it home early on Friday.  =(

I don't know why I couldn't bring myself to follow doctor's orders and stay home on Friday...  Yes, it was payroll sign off but there is someone else in the building trained on how to take care of that task if I'm not there.  After signing off on payroll I found other tasks to occupy me and when I got to the point of even thinking about leaving, one of the staff called out sick.  I had tasked someone else in figuring out how to cover that individual but when they didn't take care of it, I stepped in.  While I know I should have just let my mantra of "not my circus, not my monkeys" kick in, I ended up staying at work and worked a very long day.

I already know going into tomorrow that I'm going to end up working another long day.  The kids are out of school so the building will be open from 7 am - 6 pm; and I will be there on either side of that to open/close the building.  I don't know why I feel such a need to push myself so hard.  Maybe the staff and parents are correct in labeling me a "perfectionistic workaholic."  Maybe I'm being overly hard on myself because I still don't feel my best...

This past week at work, I worked with two inspectors that came into the building - one to do a heath/sanitation inspection and one to do a safety inspection.  I ending up spending about an hour and a half with each of the inspectors on the different days they were in the building.  The time I spent with the safety inspector was very interesting.  He ended up pointing out a couple of things (which I'm fine with since it's his job to find areas that could use some attention) but then the conversation ended up taking an interesting turn; he asked me to stop and just listen to him for a minute.  He told me that he's been doing inspections in this building for a number of years and he's never seen it as good as he did this past week and he knows that I am the reason for that change.  He told me that I should be proud of that accomplishment, cut myself some slack and find ways to eliminate some stress from my life.  That meant a lot coming from him and I am going to find a way to take what he told me to heart.

I know that for my own general health and well being I need to get to a point where work is my job and not my entire life.  I felt like I had been making progress in that general area but I'm back to work  encompassing my entire life and I wonder if that's part of why I've been to the doctor/on medication yet again.  Actually, I don't need to wonder, I'm positive that my stress levels are attributing to the reason why I had to head to the doctor again this past week.  At one point I felt as if I had a handle on realizing that work is just a job but I have unfortunately lost sight of that and need to regain that handle on things.

Well my dear readers, on that note, it is time for medication, thinking about things and time to head to bed since I have to be up early for work in the AM.  I hope you have some opportunities to do things for you in this upcoming week and that you don't get too overwhelmed by life.  Take care my dear readers!  =)

Perils of Pauline

I hadn't heard the term "Perils of Pauline" before but I heard it today; the "Perils of Pauline" refers to the old black & white films where the damsel in distress is hauled off by the sinister guy with a fabulous mustache who ties her to the railroad track, and the train is coming, and the hero comes along only to have to get in a fistfight with the sinister guy with the mustache, and the good guy is able to save the girl in the split second before she gets squished by the train...  Whew.  I know that was a run on sentence but it was written that way to make my point - sometime life hands you one thing after another after another and you sometimes just have to wait for the moment where you don't get squished.  As I've written before, I am not the damsel in distress type however, there are times (especially when I'm not feeling 100%) where it would be nice to have someone save me from being squished by the train.  This past week has left me feeling that I was mostly squished by the train because I couldn't break free from the train tracks.

I was still pretty sick most of the week and I think from being sick I have also developed an ear infection - lucky me...  I don't necessarily want to go back to the doctor because I think I've already met my quota of doctor's for awhile.  I had to go to the doctor in December and then this past week, I was at the doctor's twice - once at the health clinic to find out why I'm sick and then again during the week I had to go to the work heath clinic for my yearly work clearance.  Both of the visits this past week helped to solidify why I don't like going to the doctor - without helping to explain how, both doctors instructed me that I need to lose quite a bit of weight (like upwards of 100 pounds).  It's all well and good that they want me to lose the weight but it's not helpful that they didn't give me any insight as to how to accomplish said goal.  It just helps add to the frustration that is my weight...

Something else that added to my frustration this past week was work.  I unfortunately did not embrace my mantra of "not my circus, not my monkeys" and I let people over task me with things and when I attempted to delegate, I listened to all the reasons why people couldn't take on those responsibilities and I took them on myself.  Not only am I frustrated with them for not taking on what I asked them to, I am frustrated with myself for allowing them to get away with telling me no.  By allowing them to not complete assigned tasks, they are getting what they want and I'm the one who ends up overworked and frustrated - this is something that I realize but have yet to come up with how to remedy the situation...

Because I've been frustrated/sick/tired, it tends to make me layer on my pieces of armor and shut out those around me.  I know that it's not good to keep things bottled up and it's very tiring carrying around all that armor all the time...  Maybe I'm afraid to show what's underneath the armor for fear of what happened the last time I let someone get past it all (and I know intellectually that too many years have past for it to still effect me and that also intellectually I'm going to have to let someone through the armor one of these days) but I also know that without change, you cannot grow.  Sometimes it's so frustrating to be an adult...

I know that I need to find a way to move beyond my frustrations in order for me to function but I'm not not quite sure how I'm going to do that yet.  I suppose in an effort to start to ease my frustrations I should focus on the things that I can change/control and in doing so it might help me feel better.  In order to set a goal for myself, I am challenging myself to set aside at least one piece of my armor and keep it off for the entire week.  We'll see how this goes...  Thank you for joining me, my dear readers and I hope you can do something for you in the upcoming week!  =)