Home

People say you can't go home again and they are very thankful for that.  I am not one of those people.  I also don't have a very "normal" home that I go home too...  Most people don't have the types of family get togethers that my family does (and probably couldn't handle the weirdness of my family) and that's okay.  They have their families and I have mine and I am very thankful for the one I do have.

This past week was Christmas and when some people think of Christmas, a classical Normal Rockwell painting or a classic Christmas special may describe their family.  Neither one of those could describe my family - mine could almost best be described with the movie National Lampoons Christmas Vacation (although there was no S.W.A.T. team or cat being electrocuted).  Christmas morning consisted of my parents and I running around making sure things were in the oven that needed to be, things were in the cooler, cookies were arranged, bowls filled with chips, dishes washed to make room for new ones in the sink or because all of the spatulas were in the soapy water and one was needed; all while trying to keep the dog from eating things, each trying to get a shower and get dressed before everyone else was supposed to arrive by one pm.  Now I don't know about your family gatherings but for mine, when we say one pm, my parents and I were already here and knew that the first group would arrive between 1:15-1:30, the next between 1:30-1:45 and the last by 2 pm (this is pretty much what happened).

Now my family when we say "everyone," it includes my parents, my older sister (and her new husband and her 8 year old boy and 3.5 year old boy), me, my brother (and his girlfriend) and my youngest brother (and his wife and their 3.5 year old boy) and the dog.  When everyone arrived, we had to all eat, find food that the three little boys would eat (while telling them yes, they had to eat and no, they couldn't just dive into the presents under the tree), keep the dog from helping himself to food off the table or anyone's plates when they weren't looking.

After everyone ate, a "normal" family would peacefully gather in the living room and calmly open gifts - or I'm at least assuming that's what occurs since that's not what happens in my family...  We gathered in the living room and my brothers and parents started to juggle because mom found some great juggling balls while she was Christmas shopping and then one of the 3.5 year old boys decided to juggle too by throwing stuffed snowballs in the air which then resulted in my siblings and I having a snowball fight in the living room (the youngest turned 30 this past year).  When we were having trouble breathing from laughing, the snowballs were cleaned up and the juggling balls were put away (one is still lost...) and mom decided that she wanted a photo of her kids in front of the Christmas tree - one of those posed photos of the kids sitting in front of the tree (once again, the youngest is 30 and is subsequently the one who is 6 foot 5 inches and ended up in my lap and me leaning on my older sister who is 5 foot 3 inches and pregnant and the other brother behind all of us and he's leaning against the couch).  The photos are hilarious but those make for some of the best memories.

Since the little boys could hardly stand it anymore, we let them become mini tornadoes as they tore into their gifts.  After the wrapping paper storm subsided, they began to entertain themselves as the adults began the first annual white elephant gift exchange.  We had agreed on the predetermined amount of $13.64 and then found out the rest of how the exchange was going to work.  Mom had sent out a message that morning with instructions of when we got there, we were to take a sticky note with a number on it (she had them pre-written out 2-12), place it on our gift and put it in a box.  We then took turns rolling a pair of dice to tell us what gift to take (as we were rolling, we had the opportunity to "steal" if we rolled the same number of a gift already selected or roll again - neadless to say, some sibling rivalry and cutthroat-ness ensued).  After everyone had a gift (this took some time because of the cutthroat-ness), we then had to draw what could only be described as sinister fortune cookie slips telling us who to trade gifts with.  Some of the trades included: "trade with a boy," "trade with someone who is left handed" (me), "trade for one with a bow," "trade with someone on Santa's naughy list" (also me), etc.  We then got to open the gifts - some of the things included; a battery operated salt/pepper grinder; a gigantic flask; lottery tickets; a selfie stick; a "things to ponder in the bathroom" book; etc.  We have decided this tradition will continue.  Like I said, my family is weird...

Many other things took place that day that I'm not going to put on here (mostly because it's late and I've already had to write all of this twice because my iPad decided to delete my first post as I was finishing it so this is take two).

On Saturday, I spent the afternoon catching up with a childhood friend and then on Sunday, one of my brothers came over and he, my parents and I had a Wii tournament (more cutthroat-ness ensued).  After he left, my parents and I had a nice long talk in the living room.  We talked about a lot of different things including some of the things I've been dealing with at work and in life in general.  I'm not writing about this just because they read my blog (which they do) but because even though I'm sure they felt like they were just lecturing, I really was listening and taking it all in (and even was trying, at points, to not get overly emotional because who wants to be the 35 year old having a melt down in their parent's living room?).

After our talk, I have already make one of my resolutions for 2016 - that is to be more kind; to others and to myself.  Being kind to myself includes: not beating myself up for mistakes (realize they are mistakes and not catastrophes and I can learn from/move on from them; know things don't have to be perfect (and that includes my apartment and things I see when I look in the mirror); cutting myself slack and realizing that even I need to take breaks and "me" days (I'm not a super hero no matter if I want to be one or not).

Well, my dear readers, I am going to bring this to a close (for the second time) for this evening and want to leave you with a big thank you (even if just my parents and my grandma are the ones reading) for joining me along my quest and where ever that may lead.  And thank you for letting me come home again (even though we are really weird).  =)

Blessings

I have survived my first week at home and there has only been one major catastrophe...  I was supposed to have dinner with my youngest brother, his wife and son Monday night and I received a call from my brother right before I started to get ready saying they needed to cancel because they were taking their son to the ER.  He had decided to jump off the couch and landed headfirst on the coffee table and he split his eyebrow open.  After several hours and eleven outer stitches (and an unknown number of stitches to repair the inner layers), they got to take him home.  I got to have dinner with them the following night and I helped watch him during the week and he didn't seem phased by the head wound at all - his energy levels were the same and he still climbed/jumped off of stuff even though he kept telling everyone that he was going to be more careful.  It definitely could have ended up being way worse so we are blessed that it wasn't...

Another adventure that we had was we put up my parent's Christmas tree.  Mom, Dad and I started to decorate it while my nephew was napping but we didn't finish before he woke up so of course he wanted to help.  He is three and a half and his decorating style consisted of finding one branch that "worked" for him (mostly meaning that he could reach it and hang an ornament from it) and then hang multiple ornaments from that one branch.  He also didn't want to make it easy for himself - he enjoyed having to stand on his toes in order to hang his ornaments on the tree.  It really is a Christmas miracle that the tree didn't come tumbling down with him "helping."  Oh well...  It's all about family and the memories this time of year...

Because I was traveling for work and then had to travel on three different airplanes to get here (after getting only a few hours of sleep), I have, of course, come down with some sort of bug that just doesn't want to let go.  I have tried a couple different medications and think I may have found a combination that is making me start to feel at least some better.  I have almost completely lost my voice and there are times that I am only able to squeak words out (which of course my Dad thinks is hilarious).  Singing in church today was interesting.  I am normally a soprano but today I was singing everything an octave lower and Dad and I were joking that I was singing bass down with him - I figured it would be better than squeaking though singing the hymns.  Hopefully I will have my soprano singing voice back by Christmas Eve since we will be attending the midnight Christmas service (actually it's the 11 o'clock service that ends at midnight) and I adore singing the soprano part of all of the traditional Christmas hymns.  We'll see if another Christmas miracle will be headed my way or not.

I am hoping that with being sick now, I will have it done and out of the way for the season.  This is approximately the time of year in which I usually get sick and lose my voice but last year it is also about the time I was sick multiple times with massive ear infections, sore throat, coughing up all sorts of wonderfully colored junk so I'm hoping what I have currently is not a precursor to that "fun."  I got my flu shot and am sick with whatever wonderful germs I have been blessed with so I'm definitely hoping that this will be it for this season.  I know that only time will tell but with working for as many years as I have with SO many different children, I figure I should be able to be exposed to the plague and not catch it (NOT that I want to be exposed to the plague...).

I know that there are a great many other things that I could be dealing with right now health wise so I guess I should be grateful that this cold or whatever I'm fighting off is all I'm facing.  I learned this past week that one of the daughters of my landlords just discovered that she has breast cancer so she will be dealing with that.  I saw the news via the church's email and I emailed my landlords right away for more details.  She wrote back with what they are looking into treatment wise (surgery, chemotherapy and possibly more) and that she (my landlady) will be flying cross country to be with their daughter after the first of the year.  She is currently helping out with watching my doggies and even though she is dealing with this news from her daughter, she took the time to tell me that my doggies are being the perfect little gentleman for her.  I was touched by that and am definitely blessed that she and her husband have rented their apartment to me - it has been a blessing from the start and continues to be one with all the help they have offered me and my doggies throughout the years I've lived there so far.

Well my dear readers, I am going to bring this to a close for this evening so I can get some sleep and let the medication that I took just a little bit ago fight these germs off so I can be better for all of the family fun and frivolity this week may have in store (knowing my family, anything could happen!).  I wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas and a joyous holiday season!  Thank you for joining me yet again!  =)

What time is it? What day is it? Where am I?

What time is it?  What day is it?  Where am I?

These have been some very real questions I have ask myself in the last 36 hours or so...  I was out of town all last week for work, flew back Friday night, had to go into work to complete my travel paperwork (at about 10:30 pm), and then flew out yesterday morning bright and early to head home for the holidays.  After flying all day yesterday and on three different planes, I have no idea what time it is...  The three hour time difference doesn't necessarily help with my confusion but I'll figure it out in another day or so.  One of the neat things about being in and out of my little airport over the last week is the same person helped me through security when I left for work and when I left again yesterday and she commented on my personal "style" stating that she wished she was brave enough to be as cool as I am.  That made me smile.  =)

I was joking last night with my brother and sister-in-law that when I have to head back after the holidays, I'm going to have to get back to my apartment via Canada and Japan or something because I was able to make it to my work training and back and then here without any travel issues.  I did have to walk briskly through one airport since I flew into one branch and flew out of another branch of the airport and only had about 30 minutes from when I got off the plane and the next one was boarding.  Luckily this happens to be an airport I fly through often when I travel so I know it well.  I was able to make it with about five minutes to spare so I felt pretty good about that.

Since I didn't really know what time it was today, it was nice that my parent's dog let me sleep in and be a little bit lazy this morning.  I did have to get up and moving at some point to run to the store to pick up some medication.  Because I have been on six different flights in a week and the weather has been crazy, I woke up this morning with a lot of sinus pressure (feeling as if I got punched in one eye and a sore ear), I figured I should pick up some sinus pressure/pain medication.  I ran to the store, came back to their house to take some of the medication and then took their dog for a walk.  My parents are currently visiting their parents out of state so I'm house sitting for them for a couple of days.  What's nice about it is, by the time they're back, I will be completely adjusted to the time change and will have had an opportunity to help out with one of my nephews.  While I was out buying medicine, I also bought what he and are going to need to make playdough when he's here on Tuesday - it will probably be an adventure but hopefully a fun one (yes, I'm going to let the 3 1/2 year old help make the playdough).  =)

Thinking about it, I did have an adventure with travel this last week...  I arrived where I was attending training and I asked the person at the car rental place how to find where I was staying.  Her response of "oh, that's easy..." before she proceeded to give me directions gave me a sense of security that I trusted.  I ended up in the wrong area, called the hotel where they gave me the wrong directions, called the hotel again, they gave me different directions, I got on base where I couldn't find the hotel and ended up cornering two guys who were talking in a parking lot to see if they could help me.  Luckily, they were able to direct me where I was going and I was able to get checked into the hotel.  Now, this was not a "normal" hotel where all the rooms are in one building; no, they had like five buildings to this hotel and it took me a bit to find the one I was staying in.  After it was all said and done, I found my room, I looked across the street and I was never more thankful to see a restaurant in my life - there was a Subway right across from the building I was staying in and the neon light was calling to me like a beacon.  After I found the training center the next day, I realized that from the airport to the hotel should have taken me about 15 minutes (maybe a little longer with traffic) and it took me, in the dark, just about 2.5 hours....  Maybe because of that stress, the travel gods took pity on me.....

The training I attended for work this past week was an absolutely fascinating one.  Before I left, I had a couple of co-workers tell me that I was going to be bored with the course but I went into it with an open mind and I'm glad I did.  I have taken a few other courses from the facilitator of the course so it was nice going into it with that level of comfortability.  The course was designed to give information to new managers information that will assist them in finding their way as a manager (I have been a manager for about two years now).  I was able to learn a lot of new information and was able to pass along some of my findings (some positives and negatives I've learned in the last two years) to the other people in the course.  I was very glad to have had the opportunity to attend even though I was fighting going a little with being right before my vacation.  I will be interested to see how this new information assists me going back into work after the first of the year.

Well, my dear readers, I'm going to bring this to a close for the evening; I need to get ready to feed the dog and scrounge something up for dinner (luckily Mom left some things for me in the freezer before they went on their quick trip).  Have a wonderful evening and thanks for joining me again!  =)

One bite at a time...

You know how people talk about their plate overflowing?  I have decided that my plate this past week has been so overflowing that I am trying to tackle an entire buffet by myself and it's a daunting task.  I'm reminded of the saying, "how do you eat an elephant... you start with the first bite."  Even though it sounds silly, it also makes some sense.

This past week at work, I needed to attempt to cram a month's worth of work into a single week and I'm sure I forgot more than one something.  Why did I have to cram so much work into one week?  I have an out of town training that I will be attending this week and then once the training is complete, I will be back in town for less than 8 hours before heading on an extended vacation.  In that span of 8 hours, I have to go into work in order to file all of my travel receipts and fill out my documentation.  I'm hoping to be in and out of the building in less than an hour but we'll see what happens...  I have to keep reminding myself, one bite at a time.....

Because the travel is so tight between my two trips, I ended up packing both suitcases today and I'm kicking myself for waiting until the last minute.  I thought it was going to be a simple process to throw things into the two different suitcases but it ended up taking WAY LONGER than anticipated and it took up most of my afternoon/evening.  Part of the difficulty end up coming from having to pack one suitcase with items that will be business/training appropriate and the other suitcase with clothes I can wear around family and be a bum in (and also nice clothes to wear to church).  Because the packing took so long, I wasn't able to accomplish everything I wanted to around my apartment but at this point, I'm just out of time.  I'll have a few hours in the morning to finish up any last minute dishes and minor cleaning but that's about it.

I am trying to remain positive about attending this training (even though it makes me nervous because I don't know where I'm going) and I'm sure I'll learn something.  I have always considered myself to be a life-long learner and look at attending trainings as the opportunity to learn something new.  I've had two trainings with the instructor before and I really like her so that's at least a plus to the training location that I'm nervous about.  My plan is to arrive at the airport tomorrow, find my hotel/check in, and then find the training location and time that drive.  I am not one that likes to be late so however long it takes me to arrive tomorrow, I'll add like 15 minutes into my drive for the unexpected.  Fingers crossed for me!

While I was packing today, I started to think about how moments can have an impact on your life as a whole.  Twelve years ago today, I said "I do" and thought it would be forever.  If you've been following me for any amount of time, you know that didn't last and that seven years ago, all that changed.  When my ex decided that he didn't want to be married anymore and he had me served with divorce papers out of the blue, I wasn't sure which direction my life was going to take.  In my more sane moments, I see that I have become a completely different person in these last seven years and don't know who I would be if we would have stayed together.  Even though I have moments now with questioning myself, I know it would be way worse if I was the same me I was back then.  (If that makes any sense...)

Well, my dear readers, as I continue to ponder things, I should probably bring this to a close, go throw my carry on bag together so I can head to bed before too much longer.  If you're doing any traveling, I hope you have safe travels and that you get to where you're supposed to when you're supposed to be there.  I hope you join me again next week!  =)

Embracing Scarlett...

This past week, I got two days off of work for Thanksgiving and I enjoyed spending some time recharging.  One of the things that helped recharge me was something that I came across on TV - the movie Gone with the Wind.  Scarlett was recharged from the red earth of Tara and by Rhett (even though neither one of them wanted to admit it).  Even though most people are put off by or even downright hate Scarlett, I wish I had more of her strength.  When she was faced with the hardest of adversities over and over, she never gave up, she persevered and she didn't change for anyone - those things, in my book, are something to aspire to not scoff at.

On Thanksgiving I got to FaceTime with my family and it was almost like I was part of the insanity... I mean festivities... in person.  There were three little boys running around the house, family gathered around the large table of food (wish I could've been there to help eat it!), a dog chasing after the boys, and the fun/noise/chaos/festivities was so much that they didn't hear me calling on FaceTime at first so I had to call on the phone (which they also almost missed).  I am so very excited that I have the opportunity to join the chaos in person in just under two weeks!!!

Like Scarlett (from Gone with the Wind), I am recharged from spending time with my family.  Yes, we are a loud and crazy bunch but I love spending time with all of them and I miss them when I'm not there.  I'm trying not to allow what my staff is saying to bring down my excitement.  A week from tomorrow, I leave for a week long training out of town, will be home for about 8 hours, and then I leave for my trip home (I'll be gone from work until after the first of the year since I'll be on training, on vacation and then the building will be closed).  People at work are asking me what they're going to do and I know that in this upcoming week I need to do a better job at turning it back to them and tell them that I know that they can do their jobs without me there and I have every faith in them.

One of the things that I'm hoping will help me at work is I'm supposed to take part in a webinar this week on Delegating.  I have always struggled with this concept; not because my staff isn't capable but I don't want to overwhelm/burden them with things that I could do myself.  The training that I'll be attending next week will also help me (I hope) - it's a training for new Managers.  Yes, I've been a manager for almost two years but I'm really hoping to use this training to help me in the long run.  I know that whenever you go from the "front lines" of a job to management (which I did), there is an adjustment period and then you have the opportunity to make the job your own - I think I have reached that changing point and am ready to learn how to take that next step.  I know that going to the training isn't ideal timing with my vacation trip but I can't move when the training is - you go when they tell you to go with my job.  Maybe I'll just channel Rhett Butler when my staff complain to me about it - "Frankly, my dear, I don't...." oh, wait - that would probably get me fired so I better not....

Well, my dear readers, I think I'm going to bring this to a close for the evening (even if it is a little bit of a short post) so I can get ready for the week ahead.  Since I'm going to be busy and have two trips to bet ready for, it would probably be helpful for me to create a "to do" list for the week.  But then again, maybe I'll think about that tomorrow (along with Scarlett).....  Have a great week!  =)

Moving beyond emotions...

This past week was an emotional one for me.  Even though I didn't want it to, this year's "anniversary" of the wasband (my ex-husband) walking out hit me like a ton of bricks.  It's been seven years but this past week hit me emotionally as if he just walked out.  I don't know if it's because I attended my sister's wedding not that long ago or because she announced her pregnancy this past week or why it hit me so hard but it did.  I definitely don't want to take away from my sister's joy in her wedding or pregnancy announcement nor do I want to blame how I'm feeling on her.  I just need to work through how I'm feeling and get beyond it.

This upcoming week, I have three very long work days (we'll be open from 7 am - 6 pm since the kids are out of school) and I'll have to go into work for a little bit on Friday to sign off on staff paychecks.  I do get Thursday and most of Friday off so that break will be extremely helpful.  I have some travel upcoming (both for work training and vacation) so having some time to start tidying up the apartment and thinking about what I'm going to pack in two different suitcases will be wonderful. I think it would also be nice to take some time to relax and be lazy since I don't know how much down time I'll have in the next couple of weeks.

I am hoping to do one of my traditions on Friday that I started a couple of years ago - I take myself to the first daily showing of a movie that I want to see.  I began this because I have found that there are usually movies that I really want to see this time of year but I don't always want to see them in a crowded theatre.  If I go during the first showing on Black Friday, the theatre is usually pretty empty (even for movies that have just come out).  My plan for Friday will be to go to the movies and then head into work so I can sign off on paychecks since I'm sure my staff would appreciate getting paid on time.

I was pleasantly surprised by one of my staff members this past week - she knew that I would be working late (had to work on Friday from about 730 am - 800 pm; worked late to teach a CPR class) so she really pushed/encouraged me to take an hour out of the building for some "me" time.  I rarely take people up on that but on Friday I did.  While I was out of the building, I ran and got my flu shot (my arm is still sore) and I got a bite to eat.  Everyone seemed surprised that I left the building but it actually felt really good to do it - plus it showed me that nothing fell apart while I was gone.  This next week will be different since there will be kids in the building all day (during a "normal" day, we don't have kids in the building in the middle of the day in-between having part-day preschool and then picking up the elementary school kids for after school programming).  Maybe one of these days I'll really commit to taking time out of each day for myself since I make sure that everyone else gets that mental break in the middle of their day.

I know that I need to work on taking my own mental breaks but I find it difficult in the midst of trying to make sure everyone else gets the time that they need.  In my head, I know that I'm not going to be good to anyone if I push myself past my own breaking point but my heart tells me to put everyone else's needs before my own...  Something for me to work on along my quest.

Well my dear readers, I am going to bring this to a close for tonight in order to get prepared for my work week ahead.  I hope you are able to spend time with family/friends this week and take some time to think about what you're thankful for.  =)

Reflecting

I have been doing some reflecting on my musing of mirrors (pun not intended) and I'm trying to look at them from a different point of view.  When Alice experienced through the looking glass, she had amazing and one of a kind adventures; yes, some people would argue drugs had some hand in that but that's besides the point...  Rather than fighting the reflection in the mirror, what if I instead embraced Alice's notion of "six impossible things before breakfast" and made that philosophy my own?  How would my perspective/perception change?  This is a concept I would like to work on.

I posted last week about mirrors and how I'm feeling about them currently.  I am still struggling with mirrors (more specifically my reflection in those mirrors) but I am working towards seeing in my reflection what other people see.  My sister-in-law gave me a different way to look at things that I am overly critical of when I look at myself.  What she said is, "It's so hard to see for ourselves what others see in us. For example you have wrinkles so that means you have laughed and learned. The tired eyes show you have a passion for what you are doing and give it everything you've got. The grey hair show that while you might be stressed you've persevered. And the weight means you have provided for yourself and are able to indulge (which isn't a bad thing). Don't look at the "flaws" as negatives look at how you achieved them and what that means about you."  Not only was I humbled by her kind words, I was also kind of shocked.  It's not as if my sister-in-law and I don't get along, we do, it's just that she and I don't often get to spend much time together since we live far apart from one another.

As we approach the different holidays, it makes me realize just how far I live from family.  This isn't a new concept to me since growing up we lived approximately 700 miles (about a 14 hour drive with stops since there were 4 little kids in the vehicle) from family so we didn't get to see them as often as anyone would've liked.  I currently live about 2400 miles from my immediate family so I definitely don't get to see them near enough.  I cherish each and every opportunity that I get to spend with the members of my family.  Since I don't get to visit as much as I'd like, I embrace spending time talking to family on the phone.  I talk to my parents weekly (mostly Mom) and those conversations give me strength.

This time of year can definitely be a struggle because there is so much going on - not only the holidays but this time of year is a flux of emotions for me.  There is the joy of the holidays, missing my family, this is the time of year that the wasband left, and would have been the time of year of our anniversary.  Last year I didn't seem to struggle as much emotionally as I feel I am this year.  It's been forever since my dreams have been invaded by the wasband and I've dreams of him more in the last week than I've cared to.  Hopefully that's done and over with and I can move on with my life rather be dragged down by my past...

It probably doesn't help that it's been kind of dreary here lately and today was just wet and cold.  I have never done well with rain and I think that might have something to do with how I've been feeling lately.  My challenge is to find positives and to embrace them.  I danced a solo yesterday at a performance and I was contacted by the coordinator and she told me that someone said that I was the best performer and that I was the only dancer that seemed happy while dancing.  Knowing that someone said that about my performance really touched me - I just need to remember that going into this next week.

Well my dear readers, I'm going to bring this to a close for tonight so I can get ready for the week ahead.  We are serving two Thanksgiving lunches this week (we have two morning preschool classes so one for each), one of the head honchos will be visiting my work site, and my right hand person at work will be gone for a week-long training - it should be interesting...  Have a great week!  =)

Mirrors

Mirrors are everywhere - and that's not necessarily a good thing for me right now...

I've been extremely unhappy with the reflection I've seen in the mirror lately.  I know that for me that's not something that's necessarily new but it seems to have intensified over the last few months.  I know that the fault is entirely mine and to completely blame the mirrors would be dumb but that doesn't stop me from cringing when I come across a mirror - especially the full length kind.  I also know that the mirror is only showing me my own reflection and it's up to me how I interpret said reflection.  I have always been extremely critical of myself and I know this is something I need to overcome and stop doing.

I spend so much time and effort doing for others that when there is finally a rare opportunity to do for me, I have nothing left.  Not only do I run out of time, there is often no energy remaining for those me moments/opportunities.  All of this I am seeing in the mirror.  There is the weight gain that I automatically see but when I force myself to look in the mirror for longer periods of time, I see how tired my eyes look, wrinkles that didn't used to be there and the addition of gray hairs (at least with this one, I've lucked out slightly and have been gifted with the silver gray that both my parents have). Once again, these things are not the fault of the mirror but the person looking back at me is not someone I want to see.  Why is it that if I had a friend that looked like me or was saying these things, I would jump into action, encourage them to do things for themselves and to take care of themselves but I can't (or won't) do the same for me.  Rather, I don't even have a friend telling me these things - I am left to my own devices and for some reason, I struggle with that concept of being a friend to myself (even though it was at least two entire counseling sessions when I was seeing a counselor after my divorce).

There are times when I wonder how someone who is plus size can be so invisible...  I don't know if it's because I'm an introvert or a people pleaser or what it is but I always seem to notice pain in a person's eyes if they say "I'm fine" or they don't say anything.  If I'm that way, I don't know if it's just my perception or not, but I feel as if people don't notice - they don't notice if I'm having an "I feel small day" or if there is something else going on.  No mater the reason, it does surprise me that it occurs.  Maybe some of it stems from me growing up in the Midwest and "Midwest nice" in engrained (I currently don't live in the Midwest) but not everyone knows what that is; or they do and they tend to take advantage of it.

I started writing this post earlier in the week because I felt compelled to write.  I'm glad that I have been inspired but I didn't necessarily like feeling compelled to write in the middle of the night.  I am trying to embrace the inspiration and the feeling of needing to write in the hopes that I will learn something from all of this or that what I write will touch/inspire someone else.  I am trying to focus on learning things myself because I know that I too often push myself to the wayside - we'll see how well this works out for me...

Well my dear readers, I'm going to bring this to a close for tonight and take some "me time" before heading to bed.  Luckily I get to have one day off this week (we get to be off for Veteran's Day) but the downside we have a staff meeting Tuesday night that will go until at least 9 pm.  Hopefully with the day off, I'll be able to do something for myself - not sure what that's going to be yet but I'm sure I'll come up with something.  We'll also see if I can come to an understanding with my mirror....  Have a great week and thanks for joining me!  =)

Your story

I feel as if I've been running behind all day even though I know I gained an extra hour from "falling back" for Daylight Savings.  I'm sure it doesn't help that I worked 6.5 hour day yesterday (giving me a 6-day work week and knowing that I'm heading into another 6-day work week...) and this past week I also had a dentist appointment one day after work and ended up coming down with an allergy attack or cold which left me without a voice for a couple of days.  Ugh...  Thankfully I'm feeling mostly better and my voice is almost 100% back (comes and goes a little still and I've had a slight cough still today) but it wasn't a fun week.  Plus we had all of the kids and the insanity that comes at Halloween...  Oh, well.  I dressed up as Ursula at work for Halloween so it was fun.  =)

Okay - I shouldn't laugh but one of my dogs was on a blanket on the couch, scratching his ear, minding his own business when my other dog pulled the blanket onto the floor and the result was a very surprised dog toppling onto the floor.  What makes it funnier is I have a long-haired chihuahua and a Yorkshire terrier so neither one of them is a big dog.  The chihuahua is the one who ended up on the floor.  Like I said, I know that I shouldn't be laughing but I just found the whole situation to be super funny.  Maybe I need to embrace this moment and work on appreciating each moment for what it is and not always feel as if I need to feel the "proper" emotion.

There are times where I seem to limit my emotions since I've had "emotional outbursts" bite me in the butt.  Because I feel as if I have to limit my emotions at work, I have found myself limiting emotions in other areas of my life as well and I'm not happy about that.  I definitely don't want to become someone with a robotic personality so I need to learn how to balance things out - the fun and the serious and the silly and the calm.  I know that it's going to be a challenge but it's one that I'm up for because I know that something needs to change.

One of the things that I need to remember is that the rest of my story doesn't need to be put on hold as I'm working on one of the chapters.  I know that I have a tendency to get hyper focused and overanalyze especially when things get frustrating/overwhelming/when I start to doubt myself.  Rather than doubting myself or getting frustrated/overwhelmed, I need to look at these times as learning opportunities and move on from them.  Times like this always make me think of Kermit the Frog.  That may be strange to you but it makes me think of him at the end of the original Muppet Movie - "Life's like a movie, write your own ending.  Keep believing, keep pretending..."

Well my dear readers, I have definitely given myself some things to think about tonight and daylight savings times is catching up with me so I should probably think about heading to bed before too much longer.  I hope you embrace opportunities that add to your story - either positively or negatively, embrace them as your own and let you be you!  =)

Afraid...

Because it is the time of year for Haunted Houses, spooky costumes, creepy movies, etc., kids in my program are talking about what they're afraid of.  They are talking about it amongst themselves, they're asking the staff and me, "what are you afraid of?"  They think it's funny that I'm afraid of (okay... petrified of) spiders and snakes.  What I don't tell them is some of the other things that I'm afraid of...  I'm afraid of failing.  I'm afraid of not being good enough.  I'm afraid of losing me....

This past week has been a roller coaster ride for me and while I enjoy some roller coasters (mostly old wooden ones), for the most part, I'm not a fan of most of them.  I don't know if that comes from feeling completely and utterly out of control while on them or what it is but I don't always enjoy them even though I used to when I was younger.  Maybe some of it also comes from feeling as if I don't fit on them and I'm just waiting for the safety mechanisms to fail.  Needless to say, because of all of these factors, feeling as if my life is a roller coaster adds to my stress levels.

One of the things I've been dealing with involves work and two of my staff.  In two different instances, I had to talk with them individually concerning their interpretations of what was said and then talking to the other staff about it rather than approaching the source of information - me.  I know that the boss can sometimes be "scary/unapproachable" but it's always better to find out what someone said and they mean versus trying to guess what was said and come up with your own interpretation.  I have been guilty of doing this myself but I have really be making an effort to incorporate the phrase (especially when emotions are running high), "so what I hear you saying is..." and then repeating back to them what you heard.  I introduced this to both staff members and they looked at me as if it was a completely foreign concept - even though I've said it in conversation to both of them.  Go figure...

My boss is coming back this week after being at a week-long conference so I'm sure she's going to want to meet with me at some point this upcoming week on top of everything else I have going on.  My operations clerk will be at a training for a few days this week, we've opened up basketball registration (and my sports coordinator is off tomorrow and Friday), updated paperwork is due from all of the families this week, I get to work for my sports coordinator this upcoming Saturday (because she asked for the day off) and I have all of my work to accomplish...  I also have a new food service worker that is being trained so she's potentially going to need some assistance in the kitchen on top of everything else...  I really don't want to have to work any more hours than I already do (in addition to an additional day) but I just might have to in order to get everything done.

In an effort to work through some of the overcrowding in my mind, I am attempting to teach myself loom knitting.  I am starting by making myself a scarf but would potentially like to work up to making a shawl or a blanket.  We'll see how ambitious I feel once I continue the scarf.  I started it on Friday after work and I'm about two-thirds done with it at this point.  I love the yarn that I picked - it's shades of fire colors (yellow-orange through dark red).  I am enjoying the process of it all (even if it's been a little frustrating at times) and think I'm going to be super happy when it's all done.  I haven't had a project like this since I was creating cross-stitch baby blankets for my nephews so I'm glad to have something like this to work though some of the things weighing down my mind.

Well my dear readers, I think I'm going to bring this to a close for this evening and see if I can get more rows completed on my scarf before heading to bed.  I hope you have a fantastic week and if you must face your fears, I hope you make it through unscathed.  Thanks for joining me!  =)

it's not worth it...

I'm staring my post early this week (it's currently Wednesday evening.... okay.... it's Wednesday, late night) because something happened today that I don't want to forget about.  Today was my first day back at work after being gone for my sister's wedding and a staff member approached me to let me know some things staff were saying while I was gone.  Staff had been asking me before I left about the upcoming wedding so I was talking about it.  According to what I was told today, the staff were annoyed by all of it and felt "obligated to listen to me drone on and on about nonsense" because I'm the boss and they blamed me for not being able to get their work done.  It's not that I'm opposed to hearing stuff like this because I can use it as constructive criticism (I think) and grow from it (or use it in my acting... it's a line from the original Fame movie; if you don't know the original, I highly recommend it!).  What bugs me is gossip.  I have been fodder for gossip before so it's not a new concept but I think we should be more professional than that and leave it out of the workplace....

All of this lead me to a profound statement I made to another staff member at the end of the work day.  I had been working all day on a project that my boss assigned (which I completed - yay, me!) so I was behind closed doors for most of the day (I was also thinking about the conversation with the staff member from the morning).  When I emerged from my office, I saw one of my staff at a computer after she was supposed to be off the clock.  She assured me she had clocked out and I told her she should be headed home.  She told me that she just wanted to finish something really quick and I responded, "the work will still be here tomorrow; you don't want to be like me, it's not worth it..."  As soon as those words were out of my mouth, I realized how profound it was - I'm telling her that she should do what I do, yet I turn around and work too many hours on a regular basis (I can't remember the lat time I worked a "normal" shift...).  If I'm telling her to not do what I do, why in the world am i doing it?!  I don't necessarily have the answer to that question but it has definitely given me some thinking to do...

It is now Sunday and this statement has stuck with me for the week ("don't be like me, it's not worth it").  Not only has this statement stayed with me mentally but it's also stayed with me emotionally.  When I was talking to my Mom on the phone today about my week, I mentioned this particular conversation and I actually felt myself getting a little choked up while I was talking about it and this was days ago.  I think part of what is making me emotional about it all is the truth in the statement.  People shouldn't strive to try and be like me - not only because I try to be an individual but also because I know I work too hard and too many hours without any sort of recognition and I don't necessarily want to set anyone else up to experience that.

I had to work yesterday for a "parent's date night" (I worked from about 5 - 11 pm) and I know that one day this week will be a long day because we have a mandatory staff meeting (those run from 6 - 8 pm after working from 8 am - 6 pm already).  Because I'm putting in these extra hours, I am really hoping that I'll be able to flex some of that time around and work at least one half day.  We'll see how well that works for me...

As I head into a new week, I not only want to remember/embrace what I said, I want to find a way to gain balance.  Not only do I want to find balance, I know that I really need to - for my physical well-being and for my mental health.  I need to find time in my days to get back into some sort of work out regime because I really haven't been happy with how I'm looking these days.  I'm even considering talking with a specialist in order to discuss the different surgery possibilities but I know I need to be "healthy" in order to have that be an option.  I know that this would lead to a drastic life style shift but I know I need to do something.

Well, my dear readers, I think I'm going to bring this to a close.  I bought a loom knitting kit today and I am learning how to use it so I think I'm going to play with it some before heading to bed.  I hope you have a magnificent week and have opportunities to be you.  Thanks for joining me along my journey!  =)

We survived!

The wedding is over and we all survived.  During the rehearsal, one child fell in the reflecting pool (which we knew was only going to be a matter of time and we were taking bets on who it was going to be) but other than that, we survived.  Luckily the day of the wedding was a little warmer than what they were originally forecasting (originally they were calling for 60 and overcast; it ended up being in the high 60s and sunny) but on the preemptive side, Mom bought the bride and us bridesmaids faux fur stoles that not only kept us warm but helped us look like movie stars.  The bride was beautiful and the ceremony was lovely; filled with some comic relief courtesy of two of my nephews - one just wanted to be allowed to run around and adventure and the other one didn't want to be involved in the wedding (even though he's my sister's son and she was the one getting married) and he's terrified of bubbles.  Oh, well.  Memories to tuck away to help remember the day.

Even though it has been a whirlwind trip, I have enjoyed spending time with family and welcoming my new brother-in-law into the family.  Today Mom and I took one of my nephews to the zoo and we had an absolute blast.  He had a great time and so did we - he even got to experience his first carousel ride (he got petrified right before it started but was all smiles as soon as it began).  Tomorrow is my last day here and I know I'll see some of my family members but some that I only saw on the wedding day will have to wait until my next visit (which will hopefully be in December).

I bought a new book in the airport before I left and one of the first phrases caught my attention and has stuck with me - "cherish yourself a little."  When I first read it, I scoffed a little bit then I went back, read it again, and realized the profoundness of that statement.  Or at least how it was profound to me.  I too often brush off any sort of compliment I'm given and I hardly ever compliment myself  so I definitely can't say that I've mastered the art of cherishing myself.  I know it's going to take some hard work and introspection but I want to change this. 

I want to start looking at myself and talking to/about myself as I talk with my friends.  I know that I need to be kinder to myself and take better care of myself.  One of the things I want to come with a plan for is how I approach work.  I am still working too many hours, am too stressed, I don't really eat at work and I don't take off the time that I should.  In terms of work, I think I do a pretty good job with coming up with game plans to accomplish tasks - I need to take this skill and apply it to my life in general.  When the work day is done, I need to leave.  If I work extra hours, I need to work a half day or take a day off.  I need to do more things for me - I haven't been to the aquarium or whale watching in forever and those things help to refresh me.

I see that I've used the word "I" quite a bit in that last paragraph and I think it's because I'm realizing it's time for me to be a little bit selfish.  I need to start putting myself and that may require some major sacrifices on my part.  I am becoming increasingly aware of this, especially as I get older.  I am supposed to be in the "prime of my life" but I don't necessarily feel that way.  I have some thoughts in my head of how to potentially change this but I want to see about putting some plans into motion before I write about them here.

Well, my dear readers, on that note, I'm going to sign off of here for this evening, read a little bit and head to bed.  Tomorrow is my last day here with the family, I travel all day on Tuesday and am back to work on Wednesday.  I am going to indulge in spending the last day here and take time to fully enjoy being back with family before going back to the "real world."  I hope you find opportunities for muchness in your own lives - I will be grabbing at my own opportunities with both hands!  =)

Extra time?

It was another long week for me and I'm still reeling a little bit from it.  The employee that contacted me last week ended up calling out from work Monday, Thursday and Friday and on Thursday/Friday I had another employee with time off so we were very short handed.  I ended up being in programming to help cover and that meant that I fell a little behind on my work.  I don't like feeling as if I let anyone down so not getting work done frustrates me.    I have to keep reminding myself that I get done what I get done and leave it at that.  I just found this quote and need to embrace it - Finish each day and be done with it.  You have done what you could.  Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can.  Tomorrow is a new day.  You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.  ~ Emerson

This weekend I didn't necessarily get as much accomplished as I could have or should have.  I worked for about six hours yesterday, had a couple of errands to run and then I had a gig to get ready for.  My dance instructor had a Libra party last night to celebrate all of the Libra gals in her life (herself included) by having a dance party at the studio.  I had no clue what I was going to perform but I got it between two choices - the first piece I ever danced (a middle eastern version of the song I Put a Spell on You) or a piece that I do a veil/sword improvisational dance - she picked the improv piece.  By the time I got home, I was exhausted.  Today I've done several load of laundry, gave my two dogs haircuts/baths and I started to put some items towards my suitcase (I leave Wednesday afternoon for my sister's wedding).

I'm potentially working 12 hour days tomorrow and Tuesday.  On Wednesday I will go in about 6:30 or so and leave (hopefully no later than) about noon.  I then will head to the airport at about 2:00 pm and arrive at my destination Thursday morning about 9:30 am.  I'm not one who is usually able to sleep on planes but I'm hoping that I'll be able to shut my eyes for a little bit so I'm not doomed - I don't really want to be a zombie when my parents and one of my nephews pick me up from the airport.  At some point before 2 pm Wednesday, I will need to finish picking up my apartment and packing my suitcase.  I also need to figure out what I'll be wearing overnight to travel - I'm not one that wants to wear yoga/pajama pants to travel but I definitely want to be comfortable since I'll be traveling for so many hours (and be in 4 different airports - counting where I'm taking off/landing).

People have been asking me if I'm going to be doing anything special this week for my birthday.  My response has been, um.... when do I have time for that?!  My birthday is on Tuesday and I figure if I celebrate at all it'll be when I'm with my family later in the week.  Honestly, I would like to take the day off of work and only do things that I want to do but with getting ready to travel and being open for full day programming at work (kids are out of school - I'm very lucky that I was able to get the time off for my sister's wedding that I did...).  This year isn't necessarily one of those milestone birthdays for me (I'm 35 this year) but maybe one of these days I'll take the opportunity to celebrate me...

Well my dear readers, I should probably bring this to a close for this evening and get one thing crossed of my "to do" list before I head to bed.  I hope you take opportunities for muchness for yourself this week and maybe bring muchness to someone else in your world.  Thank you for joining me along my journey for another week!  =)

In the wall

You know how in cartoons, the characters can sometimes go so fast and then they crash into a wall and there's an imprint of them in the wall?  I have been going full speed and have hit the wall so hard that I feel as if I've made one of those imprints.  At work, I've had to work six days out of the week for the last two weeks, do it again next week, travel and then work through the weekend again the week I'm back.  I had an event I had to work last weekend, yesterday and next Saturday I'm working because I gave my Sports Coordinator the day off and then the week that I'm back from travel, I'll be working an event on that Saturday.  I was hoping to be able to leave after about a half day tomorrow but I just got a text from an employee saying that she was in the ER with a migraine all day today and might need to be off tomorrow - that means I'll be taking her place...

At this point the phrase from the movies comes to mind - "with great power comes great responsibility..."  I know that being the boss has both power and responsibility that goes hand in hand with it but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't be able to have a life or time off.  I know that I'll be taking a week off coming up in the very near future but it's going to be a tornado of a trip so I won't have too much downtime.  On the plus side, I have time off on the books in December too so I'm hoping to go back home then for relaxation and some rest (even though the nephews may or may not let me have too much relaxation time).  I'm hoping it will help to have something to look forward to...

One of my accomplishments from this past week happened yesterday.  I took my car to put gas in it and opted to get a car wash because it was starting to look a little gross.  As I bumped into the car wash (gotta love the speed bumps to keep you in place at a car wash), my tire pressure sensor flashed on.  My first fear was that I popped my tire going into the car wash but with the water/soap/rollers everywhere there wasn't anything I could do.  I rolled out of the car wash and drove over to the air station at the gas station.  I didn't see anything in my tires or that any of my tires were visibly flat so I got out my tire pressure gauge (always keep one in my glove box like I'm supposed to - thanks, Dad!).  I tested the pressure on all four tires and they were all low so I prepared to fill them up.  I went and asked the attendant to switch on the air pump and she asked me if I had a guy in the car - I said no, that I knew how and would take care of it myself - she replied that she was impressed that I knew how.  Of course I know how to put air in my tires!  I know some women who don't, but my Dad made sure I knew how to do the basics (check the oil, fill fluids, change wiper blades, put air in the tires, etc.).

After working and taking care of the gas/tires for my car, I decided to take myself on a date to the movies.  I haven't taken myself to the movies for awhile and I enjoyed the movie I went to see.  I liked the storyline but didn't personally like how it ended but that happens.  If nothing else, taking myself to the movies made it that I was unreachable for about two and a half hours and that was nice in and of itself.  I will have to do it again sometime soon.

Well my dear readers, I know this is a shorter post tonight but I did some laundry earlier and I should probably find my bed so I can attempt to get some sleep tonight.  I say attempt because I was wide awake in the middle of the night last night for no reason for about 2 hours.  Hopefully you have a muchness filled week and I also hope I find my way out of the wall.  Thanks for reading and see you next week!  =)

Handy

Let me begin by saying that I am super sore and sunburned after my week so we'll see how this post goes...  I spent everyday at work this past week moving large pieces of furniture (in a storage shed to make room, take pieces of furniture into the storage shed and then moved large pieces of different furniture from my office and into a new office space - that had to be taken apart and reassembled) and I found out just how un-handy people are that I work with.  They couldn't believe that there could be times you would have to lay on your back to take things apart and to then reassemble them or that I wouldn't just throw away a table that was "broken" (they tried to scoot it across the floor with a full tabletop and one of the legs snapped off - but it was totally fixable - yay me!).  One of the girls actually told me that she didn't have to know how to assemble furniture because she always just calls her Dad - my Dad made sure I knew how to do it myself -- thanks, Dad!!

So if that wasn't enough of a beating to put my body through, yesterday was our outdoor work event and I was at work at about 6:45 am and didn't leave until about 3:30 pm.  Most of my day was spent running around outside and by 10:30 am, I had already put in my daily goal of 10,000 steps and ended up with about 25,000 steps by the end of the day (that's the equivalent of 10 miles or so).  Even though I applied sunscreen, I ended up with a sunburn.  If that wasn't bad enough, one of the kids from the program challenged me to go through the obstacle course boot camp bounce house and then one of my staff challenged me at the end of the day.  I tried telling them that they really didn't want an "old" (almost 35), fat lady to go through it but they encouraged me to be a good sport.  I kept feeling as if I was loosing my pants, I struggled through it and I pulled/twisted something in my bad knee and ankle.  The kids who challenged me was awesome; he kept stopping as we went through this monstrosity of a bounce house and said, "I'll wait right here for you, Ms. Gypsy so I don't beat you by too much..."  I thought that was very sweet of him even though I felt like a beached whale going through the course (both times).

It was a fun (and exhausting) event and my boss came towards the end.  She was thoroughly impressed with the turnout (we had just over 1000 bottles of water and ended the day with less than 300 left over) and we had a steady flow of people across the four hours of the event (with an influx of people around lunch time - the event was free and we were serving free food, too).  I was very excited about how well it went and was proud of my staff who stuck it out.  This was the biggest turnout we've had for an event like this and it was super hot yesterday (in the 80's which is really hot for here) and we were outside the whole time.

After the event (if that wasn't enough), I came home, flopped on my bed (I was glad I set my alarm) and I passed out for about 20 minutes.  I knew I couldn't sleep for long since I had a dance gig to get ready for.  The troupe was going to perform one number at the gig and I had received a frantic text message from the coordinator of the gig telling me that someone cancelled last minute and she begged me to solo as well.  When I woke up, I went to head to the shower and I couldn't really walk.  My knee was so stiff that I need up practically crawling to the shower and had it as scalding as I could stand from the waist down for 10 minutes (had to then cool off the water because of my sunburn).  The shower helped but my knee was still pretty stiff.  I took some pain meds, transformed into my other self, and headed towards the dance gig.  I got part way there and got turned around by state troopers - the road was closed.  I ended up taking an alternate route and arrived at the site just as the clock struck 6 (which was our call time).  My solo was in the first half of the show and the troupe danced second to last of the entire show.  I was hoping to be able to dance and go but was there for the entire thing.

As I began to dance my solo, I had to improvise some of it because as I was moving, my knee was becoming more and more stiff (and that was scary since she had asked me to do my sword solo).  I had people tell me that I did a good job with the solo but I did have one person come up to me and asked if I was injured because they could see it on my face towards the end of my song.  I was kicking myself for letting it show on my face but there's nothing I can do about it now.  The troupe dance was my favorite choreography and it's our one with the most attitude so it was okay if I grimaced a time or two.  I was very glad that I took today to relax (other than running a couple of errands) and my knee is feeling a little better, it's not 100% but better.

While I was disassembling and reassembling furniture at work this week, I gave some thought to the question I posed last week (who am I?) but I haven't come up with a solid conclusion yet.  I am planning on giving it some more thought in this upcoming week.  I think it is time for me to take some more pain meds for my knee and attempt to get some sleep tonight; tomorrow is going to be a crazy day since all of the higher-ups are coming in to my building just to check things out so everything has to be just right.  I hope you all have a good week full of muchness opportunities for each of you!  =)

Who am I?

This song (Who am I?) from one of my favorite musicals, Les Miserables, has been resonating with me recently.  If you don't know the song or the musical, in this song, the main character is questioning different facets of his life.  He's also questioning who he is as a man based on a critical decision he is faced with.  Now granted, I have never been faced with the life or death decision/situation that Jean Valjean (the main character) but I can understand the questioning of who you are.

I've heard the phrase, "just be you - life is too hard for you to be anyone else" and it also stuck with me this past week.  I have definitely been working on trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my life but I haven't fully decided that yet.  I have been debating for awhile now about going back to school (even if it's online) but I'm questioning if adding one more thing to my life right now would be the right move.  Because I am a perfectionist, I don't want to set myself up for failure by adding way too much on to my plate (and to do it to myself).

I had felt refreshed coming back from my conference but things have begun to pile up at work again so I feel some of that feeling of being refreshed melting away.  And while I have a bit of a break coming up, I don't know how restful it's going to be...  In just under a month, I get to make a whirlwind trip back to see the family (YAY!) but in that whirlwind trip, it's for my sister's wedding.  I will be leaving here on a Wednesday night, getting there Thursday morning, wedding is Saturday and I will be flying back Tuesday (to be back at work Wednesday).  Don't get me wrong - I love my sister - but adding one more whirlwind to my life right now is overwhelming.  I am trying very hard not to let this overly stress me since it's her wedding, but realistically this is the first wedding I will be attending since my divorce and I'm a bridesmaid in it and I'm just feeling.... I don't know how I'm feeling about it all...  I will be there for her, her new husband and her two kids but I'm sure, on some level, I believe it will be weird and painful...

I didn't realize I was feeling this way towards her wedding until just now when I wrote it.  I know that at some point, I really do need to move past my divorce and all of the ickiness that's associated with it but this is the first wedding I've been to since it all happened and I'm not exactly sure what emotions it's going to bring back to the surface.  I don't want to work myself into a point where I'm making a bigger deal about this than I need for it to be but I want to prepare myself for it so it doesn't sneak up on me where I either blow up or I shut down.  Maybe I'm making a bigger deal about this in my head than it will be but I'm not sure about that - really only time will tell...

I definitely want to give more consideration in this upcoming week in regards to the question I posed as this posts title.  Last night, when I couldn't sleep, I was flipping through my movies and came across Gypsy (the movie which inspired my writing pseudonym) and I watched it.  As I watched Gypsy's transformation, I began to feel a little rekindling happen.  I also felt a little dance rekindling as I was the substitute dance teacher today - there were three relatively new dancers in the class and the three other dancers have been dancing for a bit but are still "baby" dancers due to performance inexperience.  We played with veils this morning (not something that is typically my "go to" prop) and we worked on our "dancer's walk."  It was so refreshing to have the dancers tell me how much fun they had in class and how much they learned in the hour and a half I spent with them.  I will have to try and remember that feeling as I go into this upcoming work week.

Speaking of the upcoming work week, I should probably bring this to a close so I can think about heading to bed.  I have a week filled with meetings and planning and an additional work day - we have an all day event on Saturday and then like a dummy, I have a planned dance gig that evening.  I'm going to be tired...  I hope you have a muchness filled week and I will see you on the flip side - hopefully then, I'll have a slight hold on who I am...  =)

exhaustion...

After my conference, I went back to work this week with grandiose ideas that I would not get stressed or overwork myself...  yeah, that so didn't work...  I had to dive right back in with both feet and hope that I didn't get swept away by rip currents or drown in the undertow.  All I can do is keep trying to keep moving and continue to do the best I can on any given day.  Even though I tried, I found myself getting more and more exhausted each day.

One of the things I'm still struggling with is one of the people who works in my building who seems determined to find faults in how I'm doing things, point those things out to my staff and then tries to find reasons to have the staff bond with him instead of me.  I have been trying to counteract this but it is something I struggle with - I want to come across as genuine but because I don't have a "bubbly personality," I don't know if it comes across as fake or not.  My fear is that I am coming across as fake and that's definitely something that I need to figure out...

Something that was positive from the past week at work is we received our official word from our national accreditation agency and the results for our building were expedited (which means we had no findings and nothing that they wanted us to explain more before they gave us our results).  This was news that I was definitely excited about since it was my first accreditation and expedited results are rare.  With all of the long hours and hard work I put into this process I was definitely glad to receive this news.  I have actually had someone that I met at the conference contact me this past week for assistance on this process since his building will be going through it before too long so it feels good to be able to pass the knowledge along to him and his staff.

This weekend was filled with dancing so I am feeling sore tonight.  Yesterday we danced/walked in a parade that was about a mile long and then we danced a 15 minute set.  For whatever reason, the parade kept starting/stopping so we ended up dancing for quite some time along the parade route (and I was one of the dancers who opted to walk it).  When we got to the stage performance, the stage looked nice and smooth so another dancer and I kicked off our shoes -- BIG mistake!  The stage was so hot I knew kicking my shoes off was a bad idea about 15 seconds into the 15 minute set but there was nothing I could do about it at that point.  The gig today was at the Fair (on of our biggest gigs of the year) and we had an hour long gig - I danced all except the few other solos people had, including my own sword solo.  My sword cooperated today and it stayed put and I think I did pretty well; I picked up my sword a little sooner than I usually do but I was able to improvise with it so it worked out.  The sun was really beating down so when we were done on-stage, I treated myself to a cup of gelato (yum, yum, yum!).

Because the weekend was so busy, I am so glad to have tomorrow off of work.  I still haven't fully caught up from being at my week-long conference (I still have some laundry to catch up on - ugh) so I'll be doing that tomorrow as well as grocery shopping and all of that fun stuff.  I brought home a relatively new work manual so I might take a look through at it tomorrow but I haven't decided yet.  I may let it wait until Tuesday and look at it at work since I have a long work day (we have a staff meeting Tuesday night after work) - we'll see where I end up...

Well my dear readers, I think I'm going to bring this to a close for tonight.  I hope you have a muchness filled week and can do things for you.  Thank you for joining me along my quest!  =)

Conference insights

My conference this past week was phenomenal and I can say that my cup of new knowledge/ideas runneth over - I'm just hoping that I was able to capture everything that I wanted to in my notes.  Not only did I learn things that I can implement into my work but I can also apply these thoughts into my life.  One of the guest speakers really resonated with me and it's stuff I've heard before but hearing it this last week has stuck with me (or it hopefully will once I go back to work).  Something that the guest speaker said that I really want to put into motion is finding a mentor that tells me not what I want to hear but what I need to hear (i.e. "what the hell are you doing working 60 hours a week - knock it off!").  He also talked about stress vs. burnout and this was something else that struck me - people who stress tend to be very passionate and feel things intensely (sound like me??) and being passionate can lead to burnout; burnout is where passionate people have given all they can (and then some) and that leads to feeling numb/no longer caring (hmmm... also sound like me??).

Another session I was in was a panel discussion with senior leaders and people were able to ask questions - one of the last questions that was asked was if they could recommend a book to junior leaders, what would they recommend.  I wrote down the list of books and actually ordered two of the ones that they listed (and I bought two books written by the gust speaker that resonated with me).  So, going into a new workweek, I have notes from the sessions I attended, four new books to read and catch up on everything I missed in the last week.  Bring it on...

I'm learning that I definitely need to prioritize and delegate when I can and work to the best of my ability and realize that's good enough.  I am one that takes on too much and wants it all to be perfect - however, I'm learning that this is only going to push me to burnout even more quickly.  Before attending this conference, I would say that I was a day or two away from hitting that point of burnout and that worries me.  I have been to that point several times over the last (almost) two years of being the director of my building and I need to change that.  I don't want to get to the point of losing my fight...

Being at the conference allowed me to network both with people who I've met before in one setting or another and with new individuals.  It was so much fun to see my friend who I haven't seen in 5 years and there was another individual who used to have my job and moved cross country about 3.5 years ago and he was at the conference too.  It was nice to sit in the evenings and talk with them to see what types of things they're doing in their programs and to share with them what I'm doing in mine.  There were several people who asked for my business card because they said they wanted to reach out to me as they go back to their buildings and I think that was pretty cool.  I even had a couple of people who were trying to recruit me to their program/buildings and that shocked me a little bit (but made me feel pretty awesome, too!).  We'll see who contacts me in the upcoming weeks...

Traveling back after my conference wasn't nearly as adventurous as traveling to the conference so I'm thankful for that.  I wasn't able to check in online but the gentleman at the ticket counter was phenomenal and even though it took him about 20-30 minutes to figure out what was going on, he talked with me the entire time and even went to the other airline ticket counter for me since I switched airlines during my connecting flight (other counter agents made the customer go wait in the other line and he just went for me which was awesome).  Even though there was a small country worth of people attempting to get through security all at the same time, they had a very efficient system and got people through fairly quickly so I'll take it.

Well my dear readers, since I have to go back to work in the AM and I'm still dealing with my body thinking I'm on the 3-hour time difference, I should probably bring this to a close for tonight and think about heading to bed (after I get things together for work tomorrow).  I hope you have a fabulous week and don't get to stress or burnout point...  Thanks for joining me!  =)

Travel insanity

Well, as you can probably tell from the title, I am traveling again (for work) and needless to say, this travel experience will be one for the books...  It started last night with receiving an email saying that my AM flight (for this morning) was cancelled and that I needed to call the airline.  I called the airline, the agent didn't know that there were any flights cancelled, kept putting me on hold, and then 20 minutes later told me that I would have to travel to another airport (about an hour away) to start my travel.  I was able to book a seat on the airline shuttle van to get me to the airport since I didn't want to take my car because theoretically I'll be flying into the airport I was originally supposed to fly out of.  Luckily the shuttle van picked me up at home but I now have to find out if I'll get reimbursed through work since I had to alter my travel plans...

With this change in schedule, I ended up having to wake up at the same time (3:45 am) but it ended up being a much longer day than anticipated.  I was on the shuttle for about an hour and a half (we had a couple of pick up stops), got to the airport and was thankfully able to check in right away and it only took me about 20 minutes to get through security.  On the plane, I had an aisle seat and across the aisle was a screaming child who every time the mom got up with her, kicked me in the arm.  My connection was tight but I made it no problem.  On the second plane, I got settled into my seat (another aisle seat) when a mom carrying a one year old pretty much demanded that I sit in her seat (middle seat) so grandma across the aisle could help with the little one.  For whatever reason, I gave in and moved (never again!) and the child screamed/kicked me the entire flight....  Ugh!  These experiences make me petrified to think about what's in store at the end of the week when I fly back at the end of my conference...

Luckily my luggage arrived at my destination (which I wondered about with the tight connection) and I didn't have to wait long for the airport/hotel shuttle.  The hotel is AMAZING and I have my own mini-suite so I can't really complain.  Another thing that I really can't complain about is a very dear friend of mine who I haven't seen in 5 years will be at this conference and she arrives tomorrow!  I always get a little nervous with work travel because I'm never sure if the clothes that I've brought are what I should've done but it's too late now since I'm here...  The only thing that I already wish I would've brought is a bathing suit since the pool is gorgeous but mine didn't fit.  =(

One of the things I'm not excited about is as I write, I am hearing thunder boom outside and I am NOT a thunderstorm lover...  I know that I should be thankful that I'm not traveling in this weather (which I am SO thankful for) but that still doesn't make me like listening to thunder...  A huge thunderstorm happened one of the last times I travelled for work - is it a sign?!

Oh, well.  I suppose I should be thankful that I have this opportunity to travel for work and that I arrived at my destination (mostly) unscathed.  Even though my day started super early, where I traveled is a three hour time difference, so even though the clock shows a late hour, my body isn't feeling it so much.  But, that being said, day one of the conference is going to be a slightly long one (I do get to sleep in a little bit though!) so I should probably bring this to a close for this week.

I didn't get everything done at work or my apartment before my travel but I have come to terms with that and have decided not to worry about any of it while I'm here - we'll see how well that goes for me...  Have a GREAT week my dear readers filled with muchness!  =)

Plans

Well, I survived our accreditation site visit and we did pretty well.  We won't know the finalized results for 30 - 45 days (although we can know as fast as 10 - 15 days) but the person who conducted the site visit seemed pretty impressed with the program and she even said that she would have her grandkids attend our program.  When we learned about her commendations, she actually presented them in front of my boss, the boss of my boss, and two additional "higher-ups."  One of the things that impressed me is that my boss actually gave me credit for taking over this process and making it what it was - she's one, that in the past, has taken all of the credit even when other people do all of the work.

Now that this chapter can close at work, I can move on to one of the next big projects I'm trying to complete at work - creating a break room space for the staff.  When the building was created, there was no space created for the staff to have an opportunity to "get away from it all."  We're taking one of the side rooms, cleaning out the kid furniture and moving in their lockers, bistro tables, fridge, microwave, coffee maker, a conference table, etc. to create such a space for them.  Some of the items have already gone into the room and they used it this past Friday to enjoy lunch (I bought lunch for everyone to thank them for their hard work during our site visit).  I'm hoping to have it up and running for them before I go to my training in Florida next week but we'll see....

Speaking of my training next week, I'm both ready and so not ready at the same time.  At work, I have the staff room to finish, two weeks work of scheduling to create/post, interviews one morning, a staff meeting after work on Tuesday, and the "normal" day-to-day of the week (and the insanity that is often the "normal").  On the home-front, I still have lots of cleaning/straightening to do, laundry, dishes (ugh!), vacuum, give two little dogs baths, get a haircut myself, pack, etc.  I know that I'll get done what I get done but it's a little daunting trying to make the list of things to accomplish and know that I have a week to said things accomplished...

I am proud of myself for two of my accomplishments yesterday since they took me outside of my comfort zone.  I started my day yesterday by going through my closet and got rid of six garbage bags of clothes and I donated them to people less fortunate.  I will probably need to go through my closet again before too much longer but I'm really hoping it's because the clothes in there are too big but that is going to take a lot of work on my part...  The other thing I am proud of myself for doing is I went to the "good-bye" celebration one of my "dance mamas" held.  Granted, I didn't stay for more than a few minutes, but I went, got last hugs, and said goodbye.  Goodbyes are something that I have never been comfortable with so I impressed myself by going.

One of the goals I have set for myself as I pack for my conference this upcoming week is to dress for the business side of things but I also want to make sure that I don't lose my muchness in the process.  I have blazers but some of my favorites aren't typical colors - I have a fuchsia one that I love as well as a red one that I love wearing, too.  I know those aren't conventional blazer colors but they make me feel good when I wear them so I don't care.  I take that back - I do care but they help make me feel good/confident so I'm going to keep wearing them.

On that note, I'm going to bring this to a close for tonight so I can begin to make a list of what clothing items I'm going to pack for my trip next week and come up with a game plan for the week ahead.  Wishing you muchness wherever your path takes you this week, my dear readers, and thank you for joining me along my path (even if/when things don't go according to plan).  =)