Well my dear readers, I didn't do as well as I had planned this past week in being unapologetically me but I feel as if I did pretty well for my first week. I had some moments where I apologized for things that I really didn't need to apologize for but there were a few times I was able to keep myself from apologizing (or from not allowing "me" to show).
I started Monday off right by wearing what I wanted to wear (right down to my shoes/accessories) but as the week went on, there were some days I didn't take that extra time to make sure I was adorned in my "fun" accessories. I think I need to start taking that extra time before going to bed each night and laying things out for myself for the next day (kind of like when I was back in school) so I don't have to worry about it in the mornings. I figure maybe this way I won't run out of time and forget my armor in the AM when I'm get up and have to rush to work. Sure, maybe I use my fun earrings/accessories/shoes as a form armor but maybe I also use them as a way to just express myself.
Yesterday I had an opportunity to express myself in a different way. We had a dance gig about an hour away and my instructor asked me to lead the gig (she was unable to go). I wore a new costume (thanks, Mom!!!), tried something new with my makeup and used my newest sword. After the performance, one of the people from the audience approached me and told me that I was a "gothic gypsy" and the hostess of the show went on to refer to me as a "gothic gypsy goddess." I've been working on defining my dance style and up until now I've been going with "darkly sparkly." I think I like "darkly sparkly gothic gypsy goddess." I know that's kind of a mouthful but I like it. =)
After the performance yesterday, I decided to do something that I've been wanting to do for some time now - I got one of my ears pierced again. I have had one stud in the upper cartilage of my right ear for a number of years now but I've wanted to have more than one. Yesterday was the day. After I washed all of the makeup/glitter off after the performance, I went on FaceBook and saw that the place I was thinking of going was advertising specials for piercing yesterday so I decided to chance it and go. I didn't have an appointment so I wasn't sure if they could see me but the piercer took me back as soon as I walked in the door. I opted to have two more cartilage piercings added to my right ear and I absolutely love the look of it. I don't know what convinced me that yesterday was the day but I'm very glad that I did it for me.
Something else that I'm going to do for me is I'm going to take a few weeks off from the things I feel as if I have to do after work. We have a dance show coming up in just over a month so I'm not going to take off from dance completely but I am going to go down to only one day a week for a few weeks. I'm also (after next Sunday) going to take a few weeks off of singing in the choir. I would start with this next week but we're getting a new pastor next week and we're singing a special piece to welcome her. Once I get past that though, I'm going to take some time for me. With working 60 hours a week, I need to find some ways to create some "me time." I even have some of my coworkers telling me that they might start kicking me out of the building after I've put in a full shift - rather than putting in 12 hour days. We'll see how that goes...
While I was talking to Mom on the phone today, she sent me a photo/saying that I saved to my phone and I said I just might have to print it out and put it on my desk at work. The saying on the photo is, "There are over 7 billion people on earth and you're going to let one person ruin your day? Don't." This is a concept I'm going to work on. I know that I can't change how other people act but I can change how I react to those around me and whether or not I'm going to allow them to effect my entire day. Something to work on at least.
Well, my dear readers, it has come to that time again where I should bring this to a close and think about getting ready for the work week ahead. Luckily this week is a short week (gotta love that a Federal holiday falls on a Friday granting me a three-day weekend!) so I know I won't be working a 60 hour week! We'll see if it ends up being a 48 hour week in those four days or not... I hope you have a fabulous week, my dear readers, and you find opportunities to be unapologetically you! =)
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Unapologetically me
It has been a very long week and I'm glad that I'm finally able to put my feet up and relax some. The work week was just about a 60 hour one, then I had dance and choir after that. I'm not overly surprised that I ended up with a massive headache that ended up lasting about two days - I was very glad when it went away...
When I got to work on Monday morning, I opened my work email and saw that I had an email from our inspection team (we are inspected yearly by them and due to some restrictions we haven't seen them for over a year and a half) saying they were walking in the door first thing that morning. After the initial "AAAHHHHHH!!!!!" moment, I realized that I was as ready for them as I could be and it would do me no good to freak out over it. The inspection team walked in and I was pleasantly surprised that I recognized one of them - I met her at the training I attended several weeks ago. I gave them a tour of the building and then they got down to business. Because this was my first experience with this type of inspection from a managerial point of view, it definitely offered a different perspective of things. The two inspectors that I worked with over the two and a half days, gave me a lot of insights/ideas and I was okay with the score that we received. Was it lower than what I would have like? Yes. But I am okay with the score overall.
One of the things that did surprise me was a question asked by me of the inspector I had met previously. She asked me which side was the "real" me - the side she met her or the side she saw at the training. That really made me pause. When I was at the training, no one knew me so I felt free to not hide any aspect of my personality; I added color to my hair, I wore my fun/crazy earrings, I wore bright colors and I opened up more than I usually do. With the inspection team here (and then we had to meet with the big bosses to go over the inspection results), my clothing was more 'reserved' and while I added color to my hair I selected colors that were more muted (and I didn't wear any of my fun/crazy earrings). What started me even more was when it was pointed out to me, my response was, 'Wow... you're right... I'm sorry.'
Why in the world did I apologize?! Why did I feel the need to dress more reserved just because of who was in the building and who I was meeting with? I could understand if I usually wore things with spikes or leather or something really wild and crazy... But I don't. I wear bright colors/patterns and I wear fake gauge earrings that are kind of out there but that's not too bizarre, is it? I guess I just have to get myself to the point where I don't feel as if I have to apologize for being me. I see other people who are able to just go out there and be themselves and they never once apologize for it. I need to get to that point.
I know that I've written before about feeling the need to apologize all the time and trying to get away from that habit. As you can read, I haven't done too well on that front. Without even thinking about it, I apologize for things a lot. Maybe one of the things I need to do to put it into perspective for myself is to keep track of it - maybe I need to get a notebook and write down when I apologize and what I'm apologizing for to see if it's a necessary apology or not. If I keep track of those apologies, I may be able to see just how many times a day/week I actually say "I'm sorry" or "I apologize" - I'm sure the number will be eye opening (especially if I'm tracking the reasons behind those words as well).
I am going to set a goal for myself this upcoming week. The goal I'm setting for myself is that for every work day, I'm going to wear what I want to wear (and that includes hair color and fun/crazy earrings) and fun shoes. I want to feel free to be myself and that includes wearing what I want. That may seem like a small goal but when I limit myself at times based one what I'm wearing, I feel as if I'm limiting myself in being me - and that is a big thing.
With that thought in mind, I'm going to bring this to a close and think about what fun things I'm going to wear tomorrow to work. Hopefully this week with be relatively quiet at work (other than long hours yet again) but only time will tell! I hope that each and every one of you has a wonderful week ahead, my dear readers, and I will see you back here next week! =)
When I got to work on Monday morning, I opened my work email and saw that I had an email from our inspection team (we are inspected yearly by them and due to some restrictions we haven't seen them for over a year and a half) saying they were walking in the door first thing that morning. After the initial "AAAHHHHHH!!!!!" moment, I realized that I was as ready for them as I could be and it would do me no good to freak out over it. The inspection team walked in and I was pleasantly surprised that I recognized one of them - I met her at the training I attended several weeks ago. I gave them a tour of the building and then they got down to business. Because this was my first experience with this type of inspection from a managerial point of view, it definitely offered a different perspective of things. The two inspectors that I worked with over the two and a half days, gave me a lot of insights/ideas and I was okay with the score that we received. Was it lower than what I would have like? Yes. But I am okay with the score overall.
One of the things that did surprise me was a question asked by me of the inspector I had met previously. She asked me which side was the "real" me - the side she met her or the side she saw at the training. That really made me pause. When I was at the training, no one knew me so I felt free to not hide any aspect of my personality; I added color to my hair, I wore my fun/crazy earrings, I wore bright colors and I opened up more than I usually do. With the inspection team here (and then we had to meet with the big bosses to go over the inspection results), my clothing was more 'reserved' and while I added color to my hair I selected colors that were more muted (and I didn't wear any of my fun/crazy earrings). What started me even more was when it was pointed out to me, my response was, 'Wow... you're right... I'm sorry.'
Why in the world did I apologize?! Why did I feel the need to dress more reserved just because of who was in the building and who I was meeting with? I could understand if I usually wore things with spikes or leather or something really wild and crazy... But I don't. I wear bright colors/patterns and I wear fake gauge earrings that are kind of out there but that's not too bizarre, is it? I guess I just have to get myself to the point where I don't feel as if I have to apologize for being me. I see other people who are able to just go out there and be themselves and they never once apologize for it. I need to get to that point.
I know that I've written before about feeling the need to apologize all the time and trying to get away from that habit. As you can read, I haven't done too well on that front. Without even thinking about it, I apologize for things a lot. Maybe one of the things I need to do to put it into perspective for myself is to keep track of it - maybe I need to get a notebook and write down when I apologize and what I'm apologizing for to see if it's a necessary apology or not. If I keep track of those apologies, I may be able to see just how many times a day/week I actually say "I'm sorry" or "I apologize" - I'm sure the number will be eye opening (especially if I'm tracking the reasons behind those words as well).
I am going to set a goal for myself this upcoming week. The goal I'm setting for myself is that for every work day, I'm going to wear what I want to wear (and that includes hair color and fun/crazy earrings) and fun shoes. I want to feel free to be myself and that includes wearing what I want. That may seem like a small goal but when I limit myself at times based one what I'm wearing, I feel as if I'm limiting myself in being me - and that is a big thing.
With that thought in mind, I'm going to bring this to a close and think about what fun things I'm going to wear tomorrow to work. Hopefully this week with be relatively quiet at work (other than long hours yet again) but only time will tell! I hope that each and every one of you has a wonderful week ahead, my dear readers, and I will see you back here next week! =)
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Opposition
On Friday the 13th, I opted to treat myself to the movies after work and I went and saw Maleficent (cue ominous music). I thoroughly enjoyed the movie and the thought that stuck with me was one of the last ones presented. That thought is that there is a hero and villain that live within certain people - I believe myself to be one of those individuals. There are days that I feel as if there is the hero/villain opposition within me.
In movies, I have always been drawn to the story line of the "villains" because they seemed more interesting to me. Sure, there were some of them who weren't my favorites and they came across as evil just to be evil but there were honestly some of them who, to me, seemed to be classified as villains because of the life events that brought them to that point. Now I'm not saying that justifies their behavior but it does often make their stories capture/keep my attention. One of my favorite movie quotes is, "I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way" (Jessica Rabbit; Who Framed Roger Rabbit). There are times I wonder how my character would come across if my life was a movie...
If someone did chose to make my life into a movie, I hope they're willing to show the long hours I've been putting into work. For some reason, I decided to count up the number of hours I've worked in the last two weeks and the number was very depressing - I realized that the number of hours I've put in over the last two weeks of work actually equates to three weeks of full time work just about. In two weeks time I logged approximately 115 hours and there were nights I unfortunately only got about 4 hours of sleep. This past week has definitely reiterated that I need to find a way to sleep at night especially if I'm going to keep working these insane hours. Actually, I probably need to find a way to scale back at work but that in and of itself is a whole different issue...
I know part of it is my own fault for not delegating things at work and for falling back on just taking care of things myself in order to make sure that the work gets accomplished. I feel as if there are so many people counting on me that I feel as if I have to be there and I have to get things done. I'm not sure why I feel such a personal responsibility to get things accomplished but I do. What I am starting to realize (once again because I know I've written about it before) is that I'm not going to be able to keep up this breakneck pace for much longer. Moderation needs to become my mantra because I really don't want to lose it - I need to be the one that keeps it together.
As I've been sitting here writing, another movie quote has come to me; "Life's like a movie. Write your own ending. Keep believing. Keep pretending." Kermit the frog has some pretty smart lines in that movie. I have been allowing other people to write my script and I need to take the pen/pencil/keyboard back and write my own story. I'm not sure how my story is going to read and I know that it might not be a story that other people want to read but it's my story and I need to tell it. I need to stop censoring myself at times and write what I feel. This is my 257th post (holy cow, really?!) in just shy of 5 years and there are times I've wondered about some of the things I've written about. I suppose I just have to keep writing and see where things lead.
Well, my dear readers, I think I'm going to bring this to a close and try and get some sleep tonight. I'm hoping that the hero surfaces more than the villain this week but only time will tell! I hope each and every one of you has a great week and can find time to do at least one thing for yourself (and if you have both a hero and villain in you, you get to do two things for you - one for each!). =)
In movies, I have always been drawn to the story line of the "villains" because they seemed more interesting to me. Sure, there were some of them who weren't my favorites and they came across as evil just to be evil but there were honestly some of them who, to me, seemed to be classified as villains because of the life events that brought them to that point. Now I'm not saying that justifies their behavior but it does often make their stories capture/keep my attention. One of my favorite movie quotes is, "I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way" (Jessica Rabbit; Who Framed Roger Rabbit). There are times I wonder how my character would come across if my life was a movie...
If someone did chose to make my life into a movie, I hope they're willing to show the long hours I've been putting into work. For some reason, I decided to count up the number of hours I've worked in the last two weeks and the number was very depressing - I realized that the number of hours I've put in over the last two weeks of work actually equates to three weeks of full time work just about. In two weeks time I logged approximately 115 hours and there were nights I unfortunately only got about 4 hours of sleep. This past week has definitely reiterated that I need to find a way to sleep at night especially if I'm going to keep working these insane hours. Actually, I probably need to find a way to scale back at work but that in and of itself is a whole different issue...
I know part of it is my own fault for not delegating things at work and for falling back on just taking care of things myself in order to make sure that the work gets accomplished. I feel as if there are so many people counting on me that I feel as if I have to be there and I have to get things done. I'm not sure why I feel such a personal responsibility to get things accomplished but I do. What I am starting to realize (once again because I know I've written about it before) is that I'm not going to be able to keep up this breakneck pace for much longer. Moderation needs to become my mantra because I really don't want to lose it - I need to be the one that keeps it together.
As I've been sitting here writing, another movie quote has come to me; "Life's like a movie. Write your own ending. Keep believing. Keep pretending." Kermit the frog has some pretty smart lines in that movie. I have been allowing other people to write my script and I need to take the pen/pencil/keyboard back and write my own story. I'm not sure how my story is going to read and I know that it might not be a story that other people want to read but it's my story and I need to tell it. I need to stop censoring myself at times and write what I feel. This is my 257th post (holy cow, really?!) in just shy of 5 years and there are times I've wondered about some of the things I've written about. I suppose I just have to keep writing and see where things lead.
Well, my dear readers, I think I'm going to bring this to a close and try and get some sleep tonight. I'm hoping that the hero surfaces more than the villain this week but only time will tell! I hope each and every one of you has a great week and can find time to do at least one thing for yourself (and if you have both a hero and villain in you, you get to do two things for you - one for each!). =)
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Epic FailI
Epic fail? I don't know that I have ever really liked that term. Epic means "heroic or grand in scale" and heroic is a good thing... Oh, well. That's not really the point I guess. I suppose I see this as the "grand in scale" form of epic anyway. Remember when I said last week that I wasn't going to throw myself back into work so much that I didn't feel as if I'd been on vacation? Yeah... That didn't happen. Starting from first thing Monday morning that didn't happen and I had a knot in my neck/shoulders shortly after entering the building. Not a good welcome back...
Tomorrow we start summer programming which means my building will be open from 7 am until 6 pm daily. This past week, I was frantically trying to get the last minute details done in preparation for this upcoming week. Because I didn't feel as if things were ready, I worked extra hours last week (including working from just before 8 am until almost 8 pm on Friday as well as almost 2 hours yesterday) and I still have things that are not accomplished. I feel as if I delegated what I could but unfortunately there was too much left to do to get ready for the programming ahead. I felt beyond astronomically stressed.
I feel as if I survived my first week back but a small part of me had to die in order to do so. Because I was stressed, I don't feel as if I got the best of sleep, woke up late (after hitting the snooze bar on my alarm clock) and didn't have the chance to really think about letting my freak flag fly based on what I was wearing - I didn't wear fun shoes or earrings at all this past week and I am saddened by that. Looking back, I know that I should have taken the extra minute or two to throw in a funky pair of earrings or slip a fun pair of shoes on my feet but I didn't. With anticipating some of the things that are going to come up this week, I need to make it a point to take those extra moments in getting ready so that I feel prepared to face my day head on. Fingers crossed that I can follow through on this for my upcoming week.
I know I have a tendency to say this after every time I've been with my family but things are so quiet when I return to just me. When I was home this time, I had the opportunity to help watch one of my almost two-year-old nephews (my Mom babysits him three days a week) and he was anything but quiet. I also had the opportunity to go to the zoo with my sister and her two boys (one six and one almost two). That day also wasn't a quiet one. Another non-quiet day was the day we had an impromptu birthday party for my Dad and family (and an extra dog) was over at my parent's house and in their pool. There were also evening I spent with just me and my parents watching Doctor Who (yes, they got me hooked back in December and we watched episodes I hadn't seen yet while I was visiting this time) and we had discussions about the Doctor's adventures.
In an effort to make my place a little more "homey" I bought a new rug, a couch cover, a new pillow for my couch and an ottoman. Because I have a VERY small space, I probably shouldn't have tried to remove an area rug from under the couch and replace it with a new one by myself after working an 8-hour day. It was a comedy of errors trying to move the couch (I have a sleeper sofa so that makes it even heavier) and area rug but I am very pleased with the overall results. The ottoman I found has a hidden storage space so that makes it ideal for my small space. It has been funny to see my dogs react to the new ottoman - one tried to jump on it and freaked out when it moved (it's on wheels) so he now avoids it and the other one tried to crawl under it and it moved so he is now scared of it too. I like it and that's what's important but I'm glad they provided me a good laugh about the new piece of furniture.
Well my dear readers, I think since I have a busy/stressful week ahead and need to get up early to go into work tomorrow (I have to run billing for the first week of summer programming - yay), I'm going to bring this to a close, maybe watch an episode of Doctor Who and try to go to bed at a decent time tonight. I think I'm also going to lay out my outfit/accessories for tomorrow before going to bed tonight so I don't forget to let my freak flag fly to start my week. Best of luck to you and me both in our efforts! =)
Tomorrow we start summer programming which means my building will be open from 7 am until 6 pm daily. This past week, I was frantically trying to get the last minute details done in preparation for this upcoming week. Because I didn't feel as if things were ready, I worked extra hours last week (including working from just before 8 am until almost 8 pm on Friday as well as almost 2 hours yesterday) and I still have things that are not accomplished. I feel as if I delegated what I could but unfortunately there was too much left to do to get ready for the programming ahead. I felt beyond astronomically stressed.
I feel as if I survived my first week back but a small part of me had to die in order to do so. Because I was stressed, I don't feel as if I got the best of sleep, woke up late (after hitting the snooze bar on my alarm clock) and didn't have the chance to really think about letting my freak flag fly based on what I was wearing - I didn't wear fun shoes or earrings at all this past week and I am saddened by that. Looking back, I know that I should have taken the extra minute or two to throw in a funky pair of earrings or slip a fun pair of shoes on my feet but I didn't. With anticipating some of the things that are going to come up this week, I need to make it a point to take those extra moments in getting ready so that I feel prepared to face my day head on. Fingers crossed that I can follow through on this for my upcoming week.
I know I have a tendency to say this after every time I've been with my family but things are so quiet when I return to just me. When I was home this time, I had the opportunity to help watch one of my almost two-year-old nephews (my Mom babysits him three days a week) and he was anything but quiet. I also had the opportunity to go to the zoo with my sister and her two boys (one six and one almost two). That day also wasn't a quiet one. Another non-quiet day was the day we had an impromptu birthday party for my Dad and family (and an extra dog) was over at my parent's house and in their pool. There were also evening I spent with just me and my parents watching Doctor Who (yes, they got me hooked back in December and we watched episodes I hadn't seen yet while I was visiting this time) and we had discussions about the Doctor's adventures.
In an effort to make my place a little more "homey" I bought a new rug, a couch cover, a new pillow for my couch and an ottoman. Because I have a VERY small space, I probably shouldn't have tried to remove an area rug from under the couch and replace it with a new one by myself after working an 8-hour day. It was a comedy of errors trying to move the couch (I have a sleeper sofa so that makes it even heavier) and area rug but I am very pleased with the overall results. The ottoman I found has a hidden storage space so that makes it ideal for my small space. It has been funny to see my dogs react to the new ottoman - one tried to jump on it and freaked out when it moved (it's on wheels) so he now avoids it and the other one tried to crawl under it and it moved so he is now scared of it too. I like it and that's what's important but I'm glad they provided me a good laugh about the new piece of furniture.
Well my dear readers, I think since I have a busy/stressful week ahead and need to get up early to go into work tomorrow (I have to run billing for the first week of summer programming - yay), I'm going to bring this to a close, maybe watch an episode of Doctor Who and try to go to bed at a decent time tonight. I think I'm also going to lay out my outfit/accessories for tomorrow before going to bed tonight so I don't forget to let my freak flag fly to start my week. Best of luck to you and me both in our efforts! =)
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Comfortably me
I know I've written before on working on becoming more comfortable with who I am and feeling as if I can show that "me" to those around me but I'm going to write some more about it today...
The travel gods were not with me on the flights back at the end of my vacation. It started with delay after delay at the first airport which caused me to have to change my other flights due to connections I would miss. The flights got changed but the connection option left me running for flights in two different airports (and I don't run...). On the plus side, I did have a fun interaction with a flight attendant on one of the flights. As we were boarding the plane, he commented on my carry on bag. I told him that I bought it because I liked it and thought it was cute (and I smiled/shrugged as I said it). He told me that made his day and he was going to bring me a free upgraded drink. I kind of laughed it off and went to walk to my seat. He told me he wasn't kidding and asked me my seat number. I told him and didn't think he was serious. After the drink service went through, he came from first class (where he'd been working) to check on me. He asked me if I got my "happy drink" and I told him I hadn't yet. When he asked me why not, I told him that I wanted a chance to smile for him again and thank him. He brought me a drink and came back to check on me a few minutes later. I thought that was very cool of him and it wasn't necessary for him to do.
Another thing that is kind of cool that happened, happened yesterday. I went to dance rehearsal in the AM and we had a performance in the early afternoon (and I had another solo gig in the evening) and I overheard a comment while I was onstage. We were doing one of the group dances and there was a man and a woman by the stage - the woman was trying to point out one or two of the other dances and he said, "No! I'm watching the one with a mohawk!" (I am the only dancer in the troupe with spiky hair so I knew he meant me!!) Overhearing that comment really made me excited and feel good! I feel that hearing this made my solo both at this show and at the evening show better. My dance solo is filled with attitude and hearing that he wanted to watch me over some of the other dancers on stage just made me want to give that much more during my performance. During my evening performance, the crowd was great and they really seemed to enjoy my solo so that made me feel really accomplished as well.
I am going to try and find a way to hold onto that feeling so that I can work on feeling comfortable with myself. I'm not 100% sure what I need to do/where I need to go in order to make that happen but I'm committing to working on it once again. Even if it's a simple as wearing a fun pair of earrings, a cute top or fun shoes to work, I'm going to do something each day to help make me more comfortable in showing the real me. I might have to do more than one of those things tomorrow when I have to go back to work after two weeks of vacation.
In going back to work tomorrow, I'm going to try hard and remember something my Mom told me - don't throw yourself so much back into work that you forget that you've been on vacation. I have a tendency to throw myself back into things after vacation and I know that's not necessarily good for me. Because I can be perfectionistic, just diving back into work has a tendency to burn me out. Since I don't have a vacation scheduled for quite some time, burn-out would not be a good thing. Maybe I just have to get better at taking random vacation days (even if it's just a day off in the middle of the work week) so I don't find myself so overwhelmed going back to work after a vacation.
Well, since I have to back to work tomorrow and I have a few things left to wrap up, I should probably bring this to a close for the evening. I hope you find something to be comfortably you each day this week (and everyday for that matter!). Let those freak flags fly, my dear readers! =)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
