I broke down...

Well, I broke down and did something this past week that I don't usually do unless forced -- I took myself to the doctor.  I've been sick for some time now and I've finally decided that enough is enough.  I haven't had heath insurance for very long so I don't have a primary care physician and I ended up going to an urgent care center.  I got there right as they opened because I really didn't want to wait and I also was trying to be aware of not exposing too many other people to whatever I had.  I wrote down my symptoms (plugged sinuses, coughing junk up, long coughing spells that left me short of breath, etc) and they finally called me back.

Of course the first thing they did was ask me to stand on the scale (ugh....) and then the nurse felt the need to comment on the number that popped up (gee, thanks).  Then came the next dreaded step of taking my blood pressure (which I knew also wouldn't go well since I knew it would read high due to my anxiety of being at the doctor and having my weight judged) and the nurse commented on that as well.  She had me then sit in the small little room while she went to get the doctor.  He felt the need to comment on the weight and blood pressure too before asking me about why I came in.  I told him my symptoms and he listened to my chest and determined that I had an "acute upper respiratory infection."  Yuck.  Three prescriptions later and lots and lots of sleep, I have been feeling some better.  We'll see how I hold up tomorrow since I have to head back into work so I won't be able to just sleep whenever I want...

One of the things I've realized this weekend after being sick is I really need to start finding a way to make myself a priority.  If I would have been honest with myself and really listened to my body, I probably wouldn't have found myself sitting in the doctor's office Friday morning.  Granted, I realized by going to the doctor my world didn't fall apart, work survived without me being there super early and it didn't cost me a million dollars (it's kind of nice to have insurance that covers the visit and the prescription meds too).  I know that I've written about this concept before about working to put myself more of a priority but I haven't exactly figured out how to do that yet.  If anyone has any suggestions, I would be very open to hear about them!

After thinking about what the nurse and doctor said logically (even though it upset me in the moment and for several other moments since), I know that I need to do something to get my weight back on track.  Being sick on/off for over a month has not helped things at all.  I have had zero energy to do anything other than to drag myself to work (and work 10-12 hour days), back home, to the dance studio 2-3 days a week, choir practice and everything else.  I haven't honestly had the energy to do the things that I felt that I had to do let alone work out.  One of the things I decided to do to get myself back on track is I got one of those wrist activity trackers.  It's one that you're supposed to wear all the time and it will tell you how many steps you take each day and all that good stuff.  Hopefully it will help get me motivated but only time will tell...

I just caught myself doing something that I keep saying I'm going to stop...  I was chatting with a good friend of mine and found myself actually apologizing to her because of the things that I believe and hold dear to myself.  Why in the world do I feel the need to do that?  I don't understand why I don't feel as if my thoughts/feelings/beliefs are as important as those of others.  It's definitely something that I want to focus on in the near future....

Well, my dear readers, I just took another dose of my medications and I can feel the side effect of drowsiness kicking in big time.  I should probably bring this to a close before I fall asleep (once again) at the computer...  I hope you have an amazing week ahead and I will try really hard to work on the things that I've written about tonight and will report back next week.  =)

Bootstraps

I'm working on pulling up my bootstraps and getting myself away from wallowing.  Honestly, I wanted to use the saying, "I'm ready to put on my big girl panties and deal with things" but I didn't think putting that as my title this week would go over very well...  =)

While I have always been one that enjoys a good wallow, I have decided that I need to pull myself out of this hole and change how I look at things (or at least make an attempt).  Rather than beating myself up over the things that I don't accomplish each day, I need to start looking at it as a head start on my to-do list for the following day.  Looking at it that way, I'm not behind, I'm ahead.  I realize that I can only get just so much accomplished in any given day and it doesn't do me any good to focus on those other things.  If I look at the things that didn't get accomplished and only look at those, I will only frustrate myself and feel defeated before the next day even begins.  I think that feeling of defeat is one of the things that has been bringing me down.

Okay.... even though I swore this post was going to be free of wallowing, something just happened that I need to get off my chest and I'll go back to work on not digging myself a deeper hole...  Why is it that people come to me looking for advice with their relationships?  Lots of my friends use me as a sounding board/psychologist almost in regards to their relationships.  I'm more than happy to help them if I can but why do they want to come to a person who hasn't had the best track record in terms of relationships?  I know I've only written about the wasband but my other past relationships haven't been the best either looking back on them.  Maybe one day I'll understand it but today is not that day...

Back to what I was writing about before.  Another way that I'm trying to pick myself up by my bootstraps is I'm (once again) not trying to be so judgmental when I look at myself in the mirror.  It doesn't always work but I'm making an attempt.  I trying to wear some nicer things to work since I'm in the management position but I know that I also need to be comfortable as well or I'm not going to be able to continue to keep it up.  I'm a t-shirt and jeans kind of girl so work clothes really have to be comfortable so I don't just go back to that outfit.  One way that I'm trying to be more comfortable with dressing that way is to have fun shoes.

What kind of a difference can shoes make do you ask?  Let me tell you about my experience.  I learned about having fun shoes from a book that I read (and have read many times and I'm probably due to read it again since it's been awhile) where the main woman in it was obsessed with having what she referred to as power shoes.  I knew I needed a new pair of work shoes and I decided to buy shoes that are red metallic heels.  Just like the woman in the book, when I felt as if I needed a little pick me up at work, I just looked at my whose and felt that little surge of energy/power/or whatever it was in the knowledge that I was wearing fun shoes.  I have since bought a few more pairs and am just waiting on them to arrive (I bought them online).  I'm really hoping they'll have the effect I desire when they come.

I got a message today that was an exciting one.  I was contacted by a local dancer to ask me if I would be willing to dance at a fundraising show that she's putting together.  While her event is on the same day as a work event I have, because of the timing, I will be able to do both things.  I am very honored that she thought to ask me to be part of her event and I'm honestly looking forward to it.  I ordered a custom belly dance sword and I should be getting it this week (I was supposed to get it yesterday but I wasn't here to sign for it at time of delivery so it headed back to the post office).  I am really excited about my sword because she designed it completely for me and will never make another one like it.  I have seen photos of it and can't wait to see it in person!

A project I have given myself and am looking forward to is another dancer recommended getting a rifle case in order to protect my sword at performances.  I found one that I like (and the case is rectangular so it doesn't look like a rifle case) but it's plain black.  While I'm one that normally likes black, I don't think a plain black case is going to work for my sword.  I've bought some fun things in order to decorate the case with (lots of colorful, shiny/sparkly things) and it will be a project I can just keep adding to over time.  I'm going to start working on it tomorrow I think because it's actually a three-day weekend for me.  YAY!

Even though it's a three-day weekend, I should probably think about wrapping this up and heading to bed before too much longer.  I know that I didn't really write too much about my plans for pulling myself up by my bootstraps but I figure that will be a work in progress just like my sword case.  I wish you the best this upcoming week my dear readers and hope that something comes across your path that makes you feel special (because each and one of you are)!  =)

Tears and Tears

Yes, I used these two words on purpose to start my post today...  Tears because I have cried quite a bit this past week and tears because I have found myself in different situations this past week that have felt as if they have tried to tear at my very soul....

Lots of things have culminated to overwhelm me at work this past week and because of feeling so lost/overwhelmed, I actually cried myself to sleep a couple of nights.  In the dark, things have seemed a little bleak so that has made it difficult to sleep.  One of the things that did help was a blanket/wrap that my Mom made for me after the divorce.  My Mom knew that some nights would be difficult for me and she made me a beautiful blanket/wrap made out of dark blues, purples and blacks in order to wrap myself in a "hug" if/when I needed it.  Nights this past week I definitely needed those hugs.

I'm really hoping that one of these days I'll feel as if I have a better understanding of what's needed/expected of me at work so I don't feel so overwhelmed.  I know that I'm an intelligent person but there are some things that I know will take time (and that frustrates me because I just want to be able to do this and not question myself).  I have never liked feeling incompetent and I don't necessarily like having to ask for help (one of my "famous" sayings growing up was "I do it myself!").  I'm starting to realize that if I don't want to feel overwhelmed, I am going to have to do a better job at asking for help and if I don't receive the help I've asked for, to ask again and then keep it moving.  That's all I can do.  Stressing about it isn't going to help and I'm only going to burn myself out (which I know is not going to be a good thing).

Something at work that has been tearing at me is I had a parent question my competency as an educator.  It was over something very silly in my opinion but for some reason, it ate at me some.  I read a book to a class of preschoolers (one that I've probably read 100 times to the same age group) and the little boy of this particular parent actually asked me if he could borrow it to take home when I was finished.  About 30 minutes or so after the class was let out, this Mom came back into the building and was obviously upset.  She demanded to see the book so she could read it herself and then she deemed it "grossly inappropriate" to read to this particular age group of children.  I apologized to her and that didn't seem to be what she needed to hear.  I let her say her piece, apologized again, and then she left.

Because I felt it was silly, I don't know why I let it bother me but it did.  I put a lot of time into my education and have been working with kids for a long time.  I read a children's book to a group of kids and that's all I did.  I think part of why it upset me is because I am such an avid reader and still love to use my imagination.  In my opinion, this Mom was trying to censor my book choice and stomp on her child's imagination.  Oh, well.  I will still enjoy this particular book but I will have to remember just not read it when her child is in class...

I think maybe one of the reasons I've had a rough week is it's been raining on and off all week.  I am not one that like the rain at all (maybe I was a cat in a previous life...) even though I know that we desperately need the rain.  The weird thing about that is I love rainbows even though I hate the rain.  I know that the two need to go hand in hand but I don't like the rain.  It's kind of ironic that I enjoy the snow so much but don't like the rain at all...  Maybe one of these days I'll be able to look at the rain differently but today isn't that day.

There have been other things that have happened this week that have brought me down (more tears and tearing at the soul) but I'm afraid I'm going to get too emotional if I write about it at the moment. I will try and see if I can put some of my feelings to words and I will try and write about it next week.   I have an early work day tomorrow so I should probably put this away for tonight and get ready for bed.  I hope that everyone has a fabulous week and I will catch you next week.  Sweet dreams, my dear readers!

My own Valentine

The stores are filled with pink/red/white hearts, teddy bears, chocolates, roses, cards, etc...  Commercials are filled with people proposing, jewelry advertisements and romantic date movies opening soon...  This obviously means that Valentine's Day is right around the corner and this is one of those holidays that kind of drives me nuts...

Growing up, I saw the relationship that my parents had (and they have the same relationship now - even though they've been married forever) and they celebrate Valentine's Day every day.  They still hold hands and when they sit next to one another, Dad still puts his arm around Mom.  They have always been full of "I love yous" and hugs/kisses so Valentine's Day was just another day.  Between my brothers, sister and I there were plenty of times we've told our parents over the years to "get a room" because of them being lovey dovey.  That was the type of relationship that I strived to have - that Valentine's Day was just another day.  Yes, getting a card on February 14th was always a nice thing but I thought it would always be nicer to have the gestures of love happen on an everyday basis instead - just like Mom and Dad.

Rather than struggling with Valentine's Day this year (being single at this time of year is hard work...), I have decided that I'm going to be my own Valentine.  I haven't determined exactly what all that will entail but I'm going to challenge myself with it.  One of the "rules" I've decided that will go along with that day will be that I'm not allowed to be negative towards myself at all that day.  I know that might be a lofty goal (especially for me...) but it's one that I'm determined to keep.  I figure if I can start with one day of being nice to myself it might make it a little easier to do on a regular basis.  I know that it's not going to be easy but it's something that I definitely need to try...

For my own well-being, another thing that I know I need to make an effort to get better at is letting go of the things that I cannot change or that I have no control over.  Things at work have been really stressing me out and I figure that can't be good for me (on a physical/mental/emotional level).  Because of the stress, I haven't been sleeping well at all and I have a feeling that had something to do with me having a cold that lasted almost two weeks.  Thankfully I am starting to feel better physically but I know deep down that something has to change.

I know that stress can manifest itself in strange ways but I could do without how it manifested itself last night.  I was in the middle of a pretty pleasant dream (can't remember the details but know that it was nice) when I heard a voice calling my name.  Wouldn't you know it but the voice was that of the wasband.  That was not a good feeling and it actually left me feeling pretty weirded out.  It's been awhile since I've had anything other than a passing thought of him so to have him as a part of a dream just had me feeling uneasy.  Hopefully it doesn't happen again tonight because I don't know if I can handle it two nights in a row...

Well, my dear readers, since I have Valentine's Day plans for myself to make and I didn't sleep well last night, it has probably come to the point that I should bring this to a close in order to prepare myself for the week ahead.  I hope you have a great week and I'll see you next time!  (Hopefully next week I'll have some good news about my plans to share with you!)  =)