Regrets

This past week I had a disturbing conversation with someone about regrets.  The reason I found this particular conversation disturbing is because they were trying to tell me the things in my life they felt I was going to regret someday.  Of course, the first thing that they mentioned is my tattoos (especially the one that takes up almost the entire inside of my left forearm).  When I asked them why they felt like I was going to regret it someday, they said because they just see tattoos as a fad and one day I'm going to "wake up" and realize that.  I thanked them for their opinion and reminded them that getting the tattoo was my decision and I have personal reasons for doing so.  They then tried to bring up me one day regretting getting divorced.  At that point, I had to excuse myself from the conversation...

The individual who I was having this conversation with didn't know me during the time of my divorce or any of the details surrounding the divorce itself.  Because of this, I didn't feel as if I needed to discuss any aspect of my divorce with them.  I don't know if that was the best action for me to take but it's the decision I made and I stick to it.  I just didn't feel the need to justify anything about that period of my life to them when they weren't there during it.  They didn't know the reason for the divorce or the things in my life that lead up to it.

After the conversation about regrets, it did put me in a dark place for a little bit but I decided that I didn't want to stay there.  I have reached the point where I'm done letting the divorce and everything that went with it define me.  Yes, I know I have written about this concept before but I'm saying it again I guess in the hopes that I stick to it this time.  I'm realizing that I need to figure out new things to define myself and move on from this entire situation.  I guess how I need to look at the situation in front of me along the lines of what I wrote about last week - I need to take things one step at a time.  If I don't, I'm going to see the impossible task of climbing the mountain ahead of me and I've honestly been at that point for too long.

I'm not saying that I'm ready to just jump out there and date/remarry tomorrow but I am ready to learn how to be comfortable with just being me.  I'm not entirely sure what all that entails but I'm ready to really work on that level of comfortability.  I have never been truly comfortable in my own skin and I am definitely my own worst enemy when it comes to what I see when I look in the mirror.  What I want to explore is why I do that.  I've done it for as long as I can remember and I while I've always known it's not a good thing, I'm realizing the damage I'm causing myself in doing so.  If I have a regret, this would have to be the biggest one I guess.

I regret being so hard on myself for so long.  I know that I don't have to like all of the things about myself all of the time but I don't have to constantly pick myself apart.  This is going to be something I really work on in the upcoming months (because I know there is no way it's going to be an overnight fix).  If, not if, when I have setbacks, I also want to not beating myself up so much because I know in this situation it will be counterproductive.  It's definitely going to be a process but I know in my heart that it's something that I really need to do.  I need to reclaim my muchness for me.  Not for anyone else - but for me.

Well, my dear readers, I have given myself a lot to think about and honestly this post didn't go anywhere tonight that I necessarily thought it was going to so I think I'm going to bring it to a close for this evening.  I hope that you have a great week my dears and that I have some things more solidified to write about to you next week.  Love and luck along whatever journey life leads you down in this upcoming week!  =)

Climbing the Mountain

How do you climb a mountain you might ask?  One step at a time.  When I was talking with my Mom on the phone today, she told me about a comic that she saw that made her think of me.  In the comic strip a dad was talking to his daughter and said, "you're just going to have to approach thing the same way you did on our climb of Kilimanjaro.  Simply keep putting one foot in front of the other until there's no mountain left."  I often forget this concept when I see insurmountable things in front of me and just focus on their impossibleness.  I am going to challenge myself to start seeing them not as impossible but as taking them one step at a time.

This challenge is something I want to extend to work.  Two weeks ago I applied for a management position that had opened up and this past week the job was offered to me (and I accepted).  After I accepted the position and it was announced, someone congratulated me on being the "big cheese."  I laughed and told them that I didn't feel like the 'big cheese' but rather I felt like 'Swiss cheese.'  I further explained that I felt like 'Swiss cheese' because there is lots I don't know so there are going to be holes in me for some time until I learn the ropes.  I was pretty proud of myself for coming up with that response in the moment since I usually think of those things way after the fact.

While part of me is excited about the new possibilities ahead of me, there is another part of me that is absolutely terrified.  I don't like the feeling of not knowing the things I don't know.  I realize that there are going to be some things that I have to learn along the way and that I'm not going to be expected to know everything right at the very beginning.  But those of you who have been following me for any amount of time (or those of you who know me) know that I don't like feeling inept at all.  I guess all I can do is take one day at a time/one situation at a time and remember my 'customer service' skills.

I'm scared that I'm going to be seen as weak or that I can't do the job that's in front of me.  There are those around me who have said that they believe in me but that's all I've been told thus far.  In my head I know that on paper it says I can do the job.  I know that I've also shown those around me that I can do the job (I have been doing most of this particular position for about 4 months or so).  Now I just need to work on convincing myself that I can do the job.  That's going to be the key for me - proving to myself that I am capable/worthy of this new position.  One step at a time.

Today, as a treat for myself, I went to the aquarium.  My sister, brother-in-law and two of my nephews bought me a 1-year membership for Christmas and I am very excited about having the opportunity to go whenever I want for the next year.  Before Christmas I was toying with the idea of buying a membership for myself but didn't get around to doing it.  When my parents asked each of us for a wish list, I put the membership on my list as a last minute addition and honestly didn't expect to get it.  Was I ever surprised!  I enjoy going to the aquarium but it's been quite some time since I've gone.  I got there early today (having a membership comes in handy because they offer early hours for us members) and it was fairly empty.  When the main doors opened, however, the place immediately filled up.  What's nice about having the membership is I didn't feel obligated to stay when it got busy in order to feel as if I had gotten my money's worth - I can just go back another day and enjoy it some more.  Next month on their calendar is going to be a night where the aquarium will be open for a couple of hours at night for members - I think I'm going to try and make that happen to see how things are at night.  That sounds like a lot of fun so I hope I can make it.

Tomorrow I have the day off of work (gotta love a three-day weekend!) so we'll see what kind of adventure I get myself into.  I know that I have some things on my to-do list but we'll see if I choose to do the things I have to do or if I end up doing things that I want to do.  Maybe I'll end up doing a combination of the two - who knows...  One thing I'll probably do a little bit of is to come up with a strategy for working on climbing that mountain this week (I know that I don't have to climb it all right away).  Best of luck climbing your own mountains, my dear readers!  =)

I'm fine...

I heard a quote this past week that has stuck with me.  The conversation went something like this:

• How are you?

• I'm fine.

• By 'I'm fine' do you mean you really want to just run away and not be you for awhile?

• Yeah.

• Well...  I'm fine, too.

I think one of the reasons why this particular TV conversation stuck with me is I so very often respond with "I'm fine" when someone asks how I'm doing.  I have also realized that when I respond with "I'm fine" more often than not what I really wish I could say is I just want to run away and not be me for awhile.  I know that in the vast scheme of things I really don't have it that bad and that things could be a lot worse (and no, I don't want that to happen!) but I have some things going on right now that seem pretty overwhelming.

I know that when I start to feel this way I need to do a better job at prioritizing so things don't feel so overwhelming.  I especially need to learn how to better prioritize when it come to work (I also need to do a better job at delegating).  It's pretty sad to realize that I've been back from my vacation for two weeks and it already feels (to me) as if my vacation either didn't happen or that it was months ago.  That realization hit me today because I was trying to figure out how long ago my vacation was and it hit me that I said goodbye to my family two weeks ago and that's it.  I guess I didn't take my Mom's vacation advice...

A few vacations ago, my Mom told me that I shouldn't throw myself so much into work/life after my vacation that it felt as if I didn't have a vacation at all.  After this vacation, I didn't do that...  I went full speed back to work (and have worked some VERY long days unfortunately) and unless I say 'no,' I think that's going to continue.  Over the past several months I have been in a different role at work so I haven't yet found that balance between acknowledging what I need to do in a given day/week and what I can actually accomplish.  I need to learn how to be okay with the fact that work can wait until the following day and not bring the stress home at the end of the day.  I'm not sure how I'm going to do that yet but I'm going to find a way to not bring that stress home anymore.

One of the things that brought this realization on was this past week I did not feel well at all.  My symptoms were varied so I don't know if I had actually come down with something or if it could be attributed to stress.  Because I didn't feel well, I didn't sleep well, so that added to the feelings of spiraling out of control.  I even got to the point one day where I sent my brother a text asking if he thought it would be unprofessional for me to just hide under my desk for a bit.  He and I laughed about it and decided that it probably wouldn't come across too well to my coworkers and that I probably shouldn't hide under my desk even if I wanted to.  I opted not to hide under my desk even though part of me really wanted to.  I'm hoping that I am over whatever was making me not feel well as I go into this next work week because I already know that I am going to have at least one or two long days (there is a staff meeting one day which will automatically tack two hours onto the end of my work day).  At least I have a three day weekend to look forward to next weekend!

Hopefully I can remember this upcoming week the things that I want to work on.  I want to remember to prioritize, to leave stress at work, and to keep myself healthy.  I will let you know how that goes for me...  But on that note, my dear readers, I should probably bring this to a close for the evening.  I stayed up WAY too late last night (like 2:30ish AM too late) watching a TV series on Netflix and still had to be up at a decent time this AM to sing in the church choir.  That being said, I should probably get some things wrapped up in the hopes that I'll be able to go to bed at a decent time tonight in order to prepare for the work week ahead.

I hope that we can all have the opportunity this week to say "I'm fine" and really mean it (other than saying it in the hopes of running away).  Take care my dear readers and I hope you have a great week!

New year... just me

With it being a new year, I have heard lots of people around me talking about how they're going to change themselves in the upcoming year...  Lose weight; exercise more; eat better; quit smoking; save more money; find a new/better job; go back to school; etc.  With all of these things, people want to change who they are.  Granted, some of the things I listed (and I know that I didn't list everything that people make as their New Year's Resolutions), they are good goals.  However, I don't think that just because it's January 1st is a good enough reason to say that's why we need to change.  I'm not saying that we can't/shouldn't change but I don't know that we should just because it's January 1st.

My goal for this upcoming year is to just be me.  I want to stop apologizing for being me and I also want to stop changing who I am just to suit those around me.  I know that I've written before that there are often times where I feel as if I have to alter who I am in order to make those around me happy; yet that makes me unhappy.  I don't want to do that anymore.  While I may not be 100% sure who I am (I am still working on that), I know that I don't want to change just to make things "easier" for those around me.  I'll be the first to admit that I don't always have the easiest personality to get along with but I don't always have to apologize for that either.

I have been told different times over the years that I need to change my personality to make life easier for those around me and I've done it.  Looking back, my question to myself is why?  Did I do it just because I didn't want an argument over it?  Was it just so I didn't find myself in a socially awkward situation?  So I didn't find myself written up at work?  I'm sure there were any number of reasons.  But was it worth it?  Was it worth it for me to alter who I am in order to please those around me?  I know for a fact others don't feel the need to change their personalities to make life easier for me so why do I for them?  The question is an easy one to ask myself but I don't know that the answer is that simple.

I guess what I'm really starting to realize (even if I said I was going to try and do something about it before) is that if other people are going to like the "real" me, I need to like the "real" me first.  I am working on that.  Sure, there might be times along the way that I feel as if I don't know what in the world I'm doing but I know that I need to make things work for me.  I have decided that I need to make 2014 the year of me.  No, I'm not trying to make it sound like the world needs to revolve around me or that I'm trying to be overly narcissistic.  What I am saying is I need to take the opportunity to find more out about myself.

When I was visiting home, Mom gave me a challenge.  She said that she is willing to make me another belly dance costume (YAY!!) but she wants this one to truly be me.  She wants me to think about colors that inspire me, designs that speak to me, something that I really want to wear when I dance (not a costume that someone else has selected).  That really has me thinking.  Many of my other costumes or costume pieces are ones that others have decided on and I have made them work for me.  This is a different concept of having the opportunity to have one really designed for me and I know that I'm really going to have to put some thought into it.  It excites and intimidates me at the same time.

Another custom order I'm working with a designer on is I have found a metal worker online who makes custom belly dance swords.  I am excited about the possibilities that a custom sword holds.  She offers two different materials - silver and brass - and I have selected a brass sword (I figure my other three swords are made out of silver so I might as well have one that's different - especially if it's going to be custom made).  The slightly intimidating thing about this custom order is the designer wants to know some things about me in order to come up with my custom design.  But I'll answer all of her questions and hopefully I will then have an amazing one of a kind sword that I can use in different performances.

Well my dear readers, I have given myself quite a bit to think about this upcoming week so I think I'm going to bring this to a close.  Here's hoping that whatever your goals are for 2014 that you are able to reach them.  Remember, your goals don't need to be for anyone else -- they are for you!