Opportunities

This past week was a busy one and that's one of the reasons I am thankful for only having a 3 day work week (actually it will be just a little more than that since I'll have to go to work on Friday in order to sign off on employee time cards so they can get paid).  Work will hopefully go by quickly each day since I have quite a bit to accomplish this week as well as my building will be filled with kids since school is closed this week.  When there's lots going on in the building, the day tends to go faster (we'll see if that happens this week or not...).

I feel as I have a bit of work to catch up on since I was out of the building for two days this past week.  I was out of the building to teach a two day customer service course that I was a little nervous about going in for.  It was the first time I taught the course and I was concerned that the individuals in the class wouldn't be active participants (and this course really depends on active participation).  I didn't have much to worry about.  The class took about 30-45 minutes to warm up and then they ended up being the perfect class.  They asked questions; answered questions; volunteered when asked; etc.  There was another class that happened earlier in the week and the facilitators had horror stories to tell (they said it was like pulling teeth to get their participants to do anything).  I was very thankful I ended up with the group that I did!  =)

I had the opportunity today to be the substitute dance teacher a couple of towns over since their instructor is in South Africa.  I actually get to teach for her the next two Sundays as well.  They told me that they were happy to be working with me over the next few weeks because they really enjoy my teaching style and they feel like they learn a lot.  Since I've been teaching dance for less than a year (other than running an occasional practice before that if my instructor had to be out), that's really good for me to hear.  Especially since after the last couple of my solo performances I wondered if I needed to take a dancing break or not...

I know that I have always been my own worst critic but I felt as if I did particularly poorly at the last two performances.  I had a talk with my instructor this past week about it and she said that it probably means that I am on the verge of a breakthrough in terms of my dancing.  I hope so because the last two dances left me questioning whether or not I should be dancing or teaching at all currently.  I think I am being overly hard on myself because I was dancing to new music and was attempting to go beyond the "tough girl" attitude for the entire dance.  I danced the first part with a veil which left me feeling more vulnerable than when I have my sword.  For the second part of the dance, I had my sword in hand and I felt a little more comfortable but the music was a little softer than what I usually dance to and it just wasn't the same as what I saw in my head.  I think I might continue to work with this piece of music but probably not for my next performance.  For the next show, I think I need to go back to the piece of music that I LOVE to build my confidence back.

With having the short work week/long weekend, I am really hoping to take the opportunity to do something for me.  I'm not sure yet what that something is going to be but I'm going to do it.  It might be as simple as taking a nap on the couch one day with the doggies.  I just know that I need to do something for me.  I know that a couple of weeks ago I went whale watching for me but that was one thing over quite a long period of time.  I think it's time to do things for me again - things that grant me the opportunity to let my freak flag fly.

Well, my dear readers, since we're open for full day programming this week, that means I'll be putting  in some long work days so I should probably think about heading to bed before too much longer.  Before doing that, I think I'm going to get some sort of a lunch together to take with me to work since I don't think I want to take care of that in the morning.  I'm also going to take a few minutes to think about the opportunities I've had this past week and the opportunities I hope to create for myself in the week ahead.  Hopefully I can remember to look at everything as an opportunity.  I hope you have a fabulous week, can find things to be thankful for and to take the opportunities to let your own freak flags fly!  =)

Survive

Good evening, dear readers!  Let me begin by telling you about my whale watching adventure that I decided to take myself on when I had a day off of work this past week.  I had the opportunity to see not only one but two Orca whales (which I've never seen outside of Sea World before) and at least 15-20 humpback whales during a "feeding frenzy."  We also got to see lots of dolphins and hundreds of sea lions playing in the ocean.  I was able to capture some amazing photos and a lot of photos that just ended up being of water.  I thought I had a picture of a mermaid but I think it was just a piece of kelp floating by.  Maybe next time...

I was very glad to start my week with this adventure because I ended up not having such a good week.  I don't know if I'm just putting too much pressure on myself in different aspects of my life but I had days this past week where I didn't feel as if I was doing anything right.  That wasn't a good place to mentally/emotionally be and I'm hoping that I can continue to work myself out of that place. Probably also didn't help that I ended up with a pretty nasty cold/laryngitis this past week so I didn't sleep well on top of everything else that was going on.

The combination of not being in a good place mentally/emotionally, being sick and not sleeping well made my thoughts turn to the wasband.  Tomorrow marks the five year point of him walking out and I am trying to think about all of the positive things that have happened in my life since that point.  Yes, I have had some ups and downs over that time because I don't want the alternative (where I spend the rest of my life wondering what could have been if we would've stayed together).  This year we have been separated as long as we were married.  That's kind of a shocking thought to me.  There are times I can't believe it's really been five years.

One of the things that I keep trying to remind myself is with all of the things that have happened in that time, I am still standing.  I may not be at the place in my life that I expected but I have survived and that's what's most important.  I have fallen in love with a new song and I think it's going to become my 'anthem.'  The song is "Roar" by Katy Perry.  There are times where I just feel let need to sing it at the top of my lungs and I seem to feel better when I do.  Every time I watch the music video for it I just have to giggle (the guy in it gets eaten by a tiger and I can't help but picture you know who when that happens; and no I'm not talking about Voldemort for you Harry Potter fans).

I know that there will come a time where I will be able to look back on this time in my life and know that it was a stepping stone to bigger and better things.  My Mom sent me something this week that I'm going to have to turn into a wallpaper or a print so I can remember it -- Never cry for the person who hurts you...  Just smile and say, "Thanks for giving me the chance to find someone better than you..."  That's going to be one to the next things I work on in my quest.

Well, my dear readers, I think I need to bring this to a close for the evening.  I have a busy week ahead of me with work (along with my regular work responsibilities, I have to teach a two day customer service class this week that I don't know that I'm ready for) so I should probably try and relax a little before heading to bed.  Along with everything, I know that I am really going to try and find opportunities to let my freak flag fly.  I hope you do the same!

Swallowed whole...

There were some things that happened this past week that had me realizing what Jonah must have felt like...  I felt like something came along, swallowed me whole, and just forgot about me.  I'm not exactly sure what prompted me feeling that way but it did take me to a dark place for a couple of days.  I've been able to partially crawl my way out but I think I'm still stuck in the throat of the beast. I am working on finding my way out and I'm sure that I'll be able to in the end.

I think part of it stems from feeling as if some people have been either trying to suggest I become the person I used to be or the me that they would like me to become.  I had someone tell me this week that they feel as if I have become too outspoken (all I did was speak my mind in a situation I would have kept my mouth shut about a year or so ago).  I questioned telling them that I didn't realize I needed their permission to stand up for something I believed in but something stopped me from saying something.

Maybe part of why I have felt like something has swallowed me whole is because I feel as if people are questioning the 'me' I'm becoming (or am working on becoming).  Now that I'm starting to get in touch with this new 'me,' I kind of like who I'm becoming and I don't like that others are questioning it.  When others questions my choices, it makes me question those choices, makes me uncomfortable and makes me feel eaten.  I don't like that and don't want to stay in that place (or go there again).  I know that I'm the one that's ultimately responsible for my feelings and allowing people to walk all over me or not.  I am really going to work on that...

Last night I danced a new choreography at one of our studio "nightclub" shows.  It wasn't everything that I wanted it to be but I have the opportunity to dance it again this coming Saturday.  Because it's still new to me I'm not sure yet if I'm going to keep it in my dance repertoire or not but I am going to give it a shot for a couple of more performances at least.  The crowd seemed to enjoy it so that's a start!

As I've been sitting here, I've been seriously trying to come up with a way to make my way out of the beast that has swallowed me.  I think I have come up with a solution (even if it's a temporary one).  Tomorrow I have the day off of work so I am having an ocean adventure.  I have already decided that I'm going and have bought my ticket to head off on the water in search for whales/mermaids/any other sea creature I'm lucky enough to spot.  I can't believe it's been almost 6 months since I've been out to sea and I think that might be part of my problem.  I feel lost because I am a landlocked mermaid (Mom even bought me a book about it for my birthday!) and I haven't spent time in my natural environment for too long...  I hope my adventure helps free me.  I'll let you know come next week.

Alright, my dear readers, I'm going to bring this to a close for the evening since I have an adventure to prepare for tomorrow morning.  I hope you have the opportunity in the upcoming week to find your own mermaids and to let your freak flags fly!  =)

What are you fighting for?

That's a question I don't only ask you but I'm asking myself.  I working on a new belly dance solo choreography and I'm really hoping it works as well when I'm dancing it as I see it in my head.  The particular piece of music I am working with is actually one that my dance instructor has danced to.  When she has danced to it, her movements portray that she is looking for love.  Her movements were soft and long and she just seemed to float across the stage.  My interpretation of the music is a little more "dramatic" than that...

The way I hear this piece of music (and have always heard it) is from the point of view of a slave girl who is begging for and then fighting for her freedom.  My plan is to dance with a veil to begin the dance and in that time I will be asking for my freedom.  I will have my sword placed off stage and at a point in my dance, I will toss the veil aside, grab the sword to continue the dance and "fight."  During this "fight" for freedom, it is my plan to do more dancing with the sword and only balance it a little.  This is going to be a very different dance for me and I am really hoping that it all comes together by the end of the week since that's when the performance is going to be.

Because it's such a different dance for me, I am both excited and apprehension about the upcoming performance.  Yes, I'm always nervous before a performance but I am a little more nervous for this performance than I have been about other shows.  I think part of that stems from 1) not wanting to let other dancers {especially my dance instructor} down and 2) not wanting to lose the dancer I've become in order to try something different.  Granted, I've wanted to dance to a new piece of music for some time now and I just hope this was the right selection.  I guess I'll be able to have a better idea come Saturday night...

I've had some moments this week where I gave up on my workout routines and I'm really not proud of that.  I set a goal for myself that I would really like to meet and feel like rather than going forward in my journey, I might be going a half a step forward and then several back.  I think I just need to get to the point where I see any movement is a positive thing in the sense that at least I'm not being stagnant and just sitting on the couch.  I know that I need to stop obsessing so much over my weight and concentrate on being healthier but at the moment I have struggles with what I see when I look in the mirror.

I have realized for myself over the years that what I see in the mirror isn't necessarily how the rest of the world sees me but I think it's my fear that they do.  I have always been a curvy gal and I am still learning to fully embrace my curviness.  Don't get me wrong; I know that I'll always be curvy and would look funny if I lost them completely (and I don't WANT to lose my curves completely) but I would like to lose the pudge.  I know that I just need to find a way to motivate myself and the workouts one day at a time.  I tried a new workout today that I have to admit I did enjoy but we'll see if that's how I still feel about it when it's time to wake up and workout tomorrow morning.  =)

Something that hasn't helped I'm sure is I've had quite a bit of trouble sleeping this past week -- done a lot of tossing/turning; keep waking up to see what time it is; disturbing dreams have plagued me...  Maybe I need to try some relaxation techniques or something before bedtime.  If you have any thoughts/suggestions, I would be open to hearing them!  On that note, I think I'm going to try some different things before heading to bed tonight.  I wish you beautiful dreams and opportunities to fly your freak flags this week, my dear readers!