Back to reality...

Well, my dear readers, I am back to writing in my "natural habitat" as my vacation came to an end...  While I was on vacation, I feel as if I found some parts of me that have been lost/buried for I don't know how long.  I think some of finding those pieces had something to do with the permission I gave myself while I was there.  Because I was visiting family, I didn't feel as if I had pressures to act a certain way or be anyone other than myself (it's a good thing my family has always encouraged us to express who we are since I ended up with a very unique hairstyle while there and a new arm tattoo as well).

I think part of the relief that comes from being on vacation is there was very little "expected" of me while I was there.  I didn't have a set time to wake up each day (although it was about the same time each day that I woke up and it was usually just before one of my nephews - who my Mom watches - was dropped off each morning).  I didn't have a schedule to follow for most of the days I was there (I had two dance workshop days, a "date" to take my 5.5 year old nephew to the zoo, and two days I got together with my sister - one of those days was the day I got my tattoo).  It was just a wonderful opportunity to be "me" and not be judged for it.

I guess one of the things I'll have to remember as I head back into "reality" tomorrow is that feeling of being me.  As I venture forth into the day to day of work and dance and everything else I feel like I need to do I need to be me while I accomplish all of these things.  If people don't like me, I need to stop feeling the need to justify myself or explain myself and just let that freak flag of mine fly.  If I hide myself away (as I feel I've been doing), it's going to be more and more difficult to remember that feeling of freedom and all of the stress of the world I place on myself will come crashing back.  I don't know that I necessarily want that to happen again...

When I was visiting with family, I had the opportunity to have some really good conversations with my parents (the three of us together and then individually - just me and my Mom and just me and my Dad). During these conversations, some things were put into a different perspective for me and they also gave me some things to think about.  One such conversation even provided Dad with the opportunity to use one of his famous quotes -- "isn't it fun to be a grown up?"  My response?  It all depends on the day...  As I think about some of the different viewpoints they offered up, some of it may end up on here -- I guess it all depends on where my quest leads me...

There are times I do feel bad/guilty for always using my parents as a sounding board but that's what happens when I don't really feel as if I have anyone else I can talk to.  I'm thinking that I might end up using this as a forum to look at different sides of situations and not just dumping it on them all the time. Yes, they read what I write but they won't have to hear me whining so much over the phone.  ;)   [love you guys!!]

After looking at the clock, I think it's time I should bring this to a close since I'm back to work very early tomorrow morning and I'm sure that I'll have a full day after being gone for two weeks.  Once again, dear readers, thanks for letting me ramble on and I hope your week presents you with the opportunity to let your freak flags fly and to show your muchness to the world (and I write that for myself as well!).

Say something hat...

I had an epiphany this past week...  I have watched the movie "To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Numar" I don't know how many times and I just now understood one of the lines.  I now have an understanding of what it meant when Vida (Patrick Swayze) said, "Tomorrow I think I'll wear a say something hat!"  I don't have a "say something hat," however, I decided to get a "say something haircut" which is different than any other haircut I have ever had.  My Mom and I have been talking about my hair; what I like about it and what I really haven't liked about it (I have had variations of the same hairstyle for the last 10 years or so and I have decided that it has made me look/feel older than I actually am).  Mom found a picture of a hairstyle and before she showed it to me gave me a disclaimer of her own saying, "Now this hairstyle is really funky and you wouldn't have to go this funky if you don't want to but it's an idea for you to think about..."  When she showed me the photo, I fell in love with it!  The next day, I took the photo to a hair salon and they were only too happy to give me the cut/style that I asked for.  I think it has surprised people (and it will continue to do so I think because not everyone has seen it yet and I am playing around with adding different temporary colors to it) but I still love it! ("I think that's heathy" -- movie quote)

I think this new (and very different) hairstyle for me has definitely helped allow me to let my freak flag fly.  Looking back now, I am very glad that I didn't listen to the quiet voice inside that was saying "but what if people don't like it?  Are you sure you want to go that far outside your comfort zone?"  My sister actually sent me something today that goes along with that - "move out of your comfort zone.  You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and you try something new."  Since I started my campaign of letting my own freak flag fly, I am attempting to give myself that permission to go outside my comfort zone and say "so what!" if people may not approve of something that I do.  Yes, there are still times where I may question some decision and wonder if other people may approve but I need to learn to make those types of decisions for me and me alone.

I think that if I can start to make decisions (and stick by those decisions - not necessarily feeling as if I need to justify them), I can remove some of the stress from my life (or at least enough to help me be able to sleep at night).  This past week of being on vacation has left me with lots of opportunities to put this into practice.  If I've wanted to do something, I've done it.  If I've wanted to swim, I jump in the pool.  If I've wanted to take a nap, I've done so.  Now with doing all of this, I haven't felt as if I've needed to ask permission of anyone or that I've really had to justify my decisions/actions and I think that might have a great deal with how I'm sleeping at night.  I have averaged probably about just over 7 hours of sleep every night [and granted, some of that might be because I've been spending so much time in the pool and helping to look after one of my 1 year old nephews and I took one full day and spent it with my 5.5 year old nephew -- not that I'm trying to justify my sleep patterns ;) ] and that's way more sleep than I usually get.  This is maybe something that I need to incorporate into my day to day routine when my vacation comes to an end but we'll see if I'll be able to continue that pattern or not.

I know that I shouldn't bring work home with me (not the things I may bring home and work on but the stressors from the day) and that would help my inability to sleep at night I think.  I am the only one who can change that and I think that's going to have to be something that I look at as each day comes to a close.  "Did I do my best with everything I did today?  If there was something I would change, is worrying about it going to help or do I just need to go in with a new/different attitude and accomplish it the next day?"  Only time (and effort) will see if this new perception may help out my sleep patterns any.

Well, speaking of sleep patterns, my dear readers, I think it might be that time to bring this to a close yet again.  I hope we all have opportunities to let our freak flags fly and to do so without limiting ourselves with worrying what others might say/think.  Best of luck to us all!

Brain dead...

Today I am brain dead...  I guess that's a step up from yesterday since yesterday I was a zombie (probably pretty close to the point of eating people's brains but I wasn't quite to that point).  Now that you're nice and confused, I should probably explain myself some...  =)

I am currently on vacation.  I opted to work on Friday until about one o'clock and then went home to finish getting ready for my trip.  Since I've had difficulties with flights in the past, I went to the airport early.  Luckily I did since one of the other flights was cancelled, things were a little crazy in the airport.  The flight that I travelled on was delayed for about 30 minutes but I had plenty of time before I had to catch the next flight.  I ended up arriving to my final destination about 8 am the following day.

Doesn't sound TOO bad except I only got about 2 hours of sleep that night and after work and travel, had a 3 hour dance workshop to attend yesterday as well as a performance last night.  The workshop was amazing (even if I can't remember most of what we learned) and the performance was fabulous!  There was live music that was played and the informal setting of it all was worth being a part of.

For the performance, I had two opportunities that I haven't had before -- I had the opportunity to open the show with my sword solo and I also had the opportunity to dance a duet with my Mom.  Both were opportunities (and the opportunity to attend the workshop with a dance expert) that made the sleep deprivation worth it.  After watching the video of the show that my Dad took, there are definitely ares of my dance that I would like to work on but I have to remember that I'm my own worst critic and move on.  It was so much fun to dance with Mom and then to see how we each interpreted the movements during our duet.

Having the experience to dance my sword solo in front of my parents and the dancer who lead the workshop had me feeling a little nervous before hand (my parents have never seen me dance with my sword) but I think it was good for me -- both as a dancer and personally.  The last time my parents had the opportunity to see me dance was about a year after I started dancing so I was still considered a "baby dancer."  I feel as if I have grown as a dancer since then so I was proud to dance for them in this setting.  One of the dancers told me afterwards that she loved watching me dance as well as watching my parents watch me dance because they both looked so proud of me during my performance.  That meant quite a bit to me - more than I could write about.

After all of that, I didn't expect to sleep 12 hours (since I never sleep for more than 5 or 6 if I'm lucky a night) but I guess I needed the sleep.  Muscles that I didn't expect to be sore are very sore today [during the workshop the instructor had us do yoga to warm up and cool down -- I've never been a big fan of yoga but maybe I need to start to work some of these muscle groups out...] so we spent the afternoon in the pool.  I guess only time will tell if that's true or not...  =)

Well, since the brain is shutting down, I should probably shut this down for the night.  I look forward to having an upcoming week of rest and relaxation and I hope that you have the opportunity to experience the same!!  Good night, dear readers.  =)

Done

Let me begin this week's post by saying, "I'M DONE!  I'M DONE!  I'M DONE!!!"  I have finished the latest baby blanket that has consumed my life for the past year.  Now that it's finished, I have actually wondered how I'm going to fill my time in the evenings (since I've been sewing it for at least an hour after work every day in an attempt to get it finished).  Since I've been writing about it so much, here is a photo of my accomplishment:

Along with finishing this project this past week, I also worked on putting embellishments on a dance bra for an upcoming event.  I know that the work isn't perfect but I do like how it ended up and am looking forward to seeing the whole outfit come together for the performance.  I don't see full costume design/construction in my future any time soon (sorry, Mom) but I am proud of this accomplishment.

Another thing to be proud of is some of the exciting things I'm currently involved in with work.  I am heading up a pilot program to help kids get ready for kindergarten and while it's only been a week, I am very pleased with the direction the program is headed.  It's fun to see what the kids are learning (even when they don't necessarily think they're learning - they think they're just playing) and that helps to balance out the stress I've put upon myself with this new program.  I know that I can only do just so much to help prepare them for the next step along their educational journey but I just want to help them as best I can.

I did something to help myself fly my freak flag.  I bought myself new glasses.  There wasn’t anything necessarily wrong with my other pair of glasses but I saw these ones and decided that I needed them.  They are bright red with rhinestones along the edge and they have black, white and red vines along the bows.  While they are bold, I think I’m really going to like them.  Wow….  I need to rephrase that I think…  I do like them because they are bold.  That would be the way to say it in order to let my freak flag fly.

I have to remind myself at times that it’s okay that I’m a work in progress and to not expect too much out of myself right away.  Sometimes we all have to take a step back and remind ourselves to just keep swimming.  Well, on that note, my dear readers, I do need to sign off for the evening.  I have a few more things to check off my to-do list tonight before heading to bed (I’ve had to break my list down of what I need to try and get done each day to help keep myself motivated).  Have a wonderful week and keep letting those flags fly!  =)