motivation

My dear readers, I don't know about you, but I tried very hard to let my own freak flag fly this week.  I may not have done it as many times as I would have liked but it's a start and I can always work harder at it this week.  After my post last week, I received some bits on inspiration of letting your freak flag fly.  One of the biggest pieces of information out there is to just do it.  Find a way to allow yourself to let your freak flag fly daily (even if it's just by a particular pair of earrings, a certain color shirt, a new hairstyle, etc.).  Letting your freak flag fly is all about doing things to show people the real you - the one who (for some of us) lives deep down inside of us that it's difficult to let people see.

I guess one of the reasons I have latched onto this concept is we have some relatively new people at work who have recently found out that I belly dance.  The look on their face when that news is confirmed is pretty interesting...  I can't count the number of times that there is the look of sheer disbelief and then the comment, "Really?  You belly dance?  That just doesn't seem like you..."  After thinking about it, I think the next time someone says that to me, I am going to retort by saying, "okay... what would seem like me?"  I know that from the outside it may seem like I'm not the belly dancer type but that's a big part of who I am deep inside.  I'm not quite sure how to show that side of me on a daily basis but I'm going to work on it.

Yet another thing for me to work on is to determine why my weight loss it moving at a glacial pace (which is WAY slower than a snail's pace).  I just need to find a way to fit my workouts into my weekly schedules yet again.  I have been so tired when I come home from work that I often don't want to do anything so it's difficult to find the motivation to workout.  I know that I also haven't been making the best of food decisions because I have been going for the easy/convenient again because I've been putting in some long hours at work (I have been volunteering for the time when it's offered since they have been tightening the schedule for everyone).  I need to start pushing through the feeling of being tired and just do it.  I also know that I just need to start pre-prepping food again in order to make healthier food choices for myself and not just eat the things that are convenient.  I will keep you posted...

Well, at this point, dear readers I am going to apologize and sign off for the evening.  I know that I haven't written my usual amount but I have a few things I want to accomplish before going to bed tonight and while I have the day off tomorrow from work (YAY! YAY! YAY!!!), I have a few things I want to do then and spend the rest of the day relaxing.  I hope we all have opportunities in the upcoming week to let our freak flags fly in one way or the other!!  =)

"Looks like plant food to me..."

I have decided that there are those people that it would be okay to feed them to a giant, hungry plant...  I'm just saying...  If you have no idea what I could possibly be referring to, that means you have never seen "Little Shop of Horrors" and along with that don't know the premise that there are those certain people who you may determine should be plant food...  There have been some interactions with people over the last week that I have felt that if I only had a giant, hungry plant that these people just might qualify in the category of "plant food."  I know that may seem a little sick and twisted but even the thought of it helped to get me through the interaction/situation and that's what I thought was important.

I'm not sure what has sparked me going from feeling as if I've been road kill at work to wishing I could feed people to a giant plant but I have a feeling that those interactions are linked.  I know that I need to find a way to stop bringing the stresses from work home with me because I feel as if I'm making myself sick because of it.  Because I've been bringing said work stress home, I haven't worked out as I should be and while I haven't gained weight, I've been maintaining my current status (which I'm not happy with).  I know that the beating myself up isn't helping either and that's why I feel as my fuse has been shorted at work.  Now that I know that it's all linked, I have to find a way to break this vicious circle/vortex that I find myself in...

Once again I'm going to say that I need to look at finding the balance I need for my life.  I find myself looking at the balancing scales and seeing them severely unbalanced.  The wants/needs of those around me very much so outweigh the wants/needs of myself.  I don't know why I keep allowing that to happen (and I know the key of that is I'm allowing it to happen) but I need to find a way to make my wants/needs if not more important as the wants/needs of others, at least equal to them.  Yes, I have written this before but I am really going to try and hold myself accountable this time and make it stick.  I'm not sure how I'm going to do this yet but I'm going to do it.  I NEED to do it.

Maybe one of the things I need to do is related to something I heard somewhere (I'm not exactly sure who said it or where I heard it...) -- I heard someone mention "letting your freak flag fly."  I think I am once again trying to conform to the mold that others are trying to shove me into and it's not working out so well for me.  I need to find a way to allow my own freak flag fly in whatever manner I need to allow that to happen.  [If you have any particular thing that works for you, dear readers, I wouldn't mind hearing about it!  =)  ]

Well, dear readers, I think the time has come once again for me to log off for this evening.  I'm going to try and clear the thoughts of wanting to feed people to giant, hungry plants and try to replace those thoughts instead with how to make my freak flag fly!  I wish you luck along your own personal quests/journeys this week!  =)

Lighthouse

On this Mother's Day, I have found myself taking time to pause and think about all of the things my Mom has done for me and continues to do for me.  While my Mom has always been there for me (even when, during my teenage years, I was attempting to push her away with both hands), I have appreciated her more over the last several years.  During that storm called "life," my Mom has been my Lighthouse in the darkness which has led me back to shore.  Granted, there have definitely been times along my quest where I thought my proverbial boat was going to capsize, but Mom's Lighthouse was always that constant (even if the light was just a pinprick in the distant darkness and blurred by fog) guiding me through the storm.

Depending on the size of the storm (both literal in the size of the problem I was facing or the size I made it in my head based on perception), I'm sure there were times that Mom wanted to turn on the fog horn and send me in a different direction to avoid the rocks but not guide me all the way - not that she wasn't there for me but she knew that I would have to find the answer for myself.  Those are sometimes the absolute hardest life lessons -- where you want someone else to help give you the answers and lead you through that storm but they can't.  Not because they don't want to help in providing those answers for you but they know that by giving you those answers it isn't what's going to be best for you in the long run.

I'm sure there have been times where I have made issues larger than they actually were and Mom wanted to turn off the light in her Lighthouse but she never did.  I appreciate that more than I can ever express.  Even though we are separated by distance, I know that my Mom is always there for me when I need her (even if it's just by sending me an uplifting message, a photo of one of my nephews or a phone call).  Moms seem to have an uncanny knowledge of doing/saying exactly what we need - even when their kids are "grown up."  I've heard it said that there are times Moms have harder times with their grown up kids than when their kids were little.  Other than my teenage years (and for the bit of time when I was really little and I had colic), I have a feeling Mom might agree with that statement!  =)


I had a relatively new coworker ask me this past week why I'm not a Mom myself.  That has been a very sensitive subject for me for a number of years now and while I know she didn't know any differently, it still hurt for her to ask.  For those of you who don't know, when I was married, the wasband and I had difficulty conceiving and even saw a specialist.  No such luck.  Looking back, I know that it was in the best interest of all involved that it didn't happen but that doesn't negate that I wanted to (and still do) be a Mom.  At this point in my life, I know that I'm a surrogate Mom to all of the children that I come across where I work but it's not the same...  Maybe one day I'll have the joy/honor of being a Mom but only time will tell.  I guess, for now, I'll just have to be the best auntie I can be and love my nephews as another Momma.  =)

Speaking of my nephews, I should probably sign off and do some sewing on the remaining baby blanket I need to finish.  Mom, thank you again for all that you do for me (even when I am being a royal pain in the butt!) and I love you beyond compare!

Run over...

Unfortunately, dear readers, I must report that this past week I feel as if I did not work on my own muchness rather I let someone else run me over with theirs.  Have you ever felt as if you've been thrown under the bus or run over so many times that you must have permanent tire tread marks (if not all over your body) on your forehead?  I'm only asking, because that's how I feel right now.  I have allowed these other people to make me feel this way so I know deep down that I am partly to blame.  I'm just kind of tired of feeling like road kill...  I don't want to be road kill anymore.

After one such incident this week, I actually had someone at work ask to see my back to see if there were tire marks left behind.  There were no actual marks there however I could (and still do) feel as if they were present.  I know that I've written before that I need to learn how to either stand up for myself more effectively or not allow these types of things to bother me -- I really need to make this a priority in my life in order to bring balance to my days.  While it's been of my own doing, I'm tired of feeling emotionally as well as physically exhausted all of the time and I need to find some way to make all of this stress melt away or I'm going to end up making myself sick...

Yesterday, in an effort to put "life" on hold for a few hours, I went whale watching again.  After talking to my Dad the other night (he contacted me via FaceTime while he was sitting in a restaurant -- it was really cool to feel as if I was right there with him!), he suggested that I take myself on a whale watching adventure in order to de-stress.  It's good to know that even though I'm "all grown up," my Daddy still knows just the right thing to say to help me out!  This time, we actually got to see a whale!  Not just any whale, we saw a humpback!  This particular humpback decided to hang out and play alongside our boat for a good 30 - 45 minutes and I got some photos that I didn't expect to capture while using the camera on my phone.  After awhile, I put the phone away and just allowed myself to enjoy the experience rather than worry about attempting to capture photos.  Yes, it's neat to have the photos to look back at and enjoy but it's also fun just to sit back and enjoy the experience (since the whole point of going was to enjoy myself).

I think that (along with all of the other things) something for me to focus on along my quest is I need to learn how to just sit back and enjoy the experience.  I often find myself so stressed out about things that I have no control over that I miss out on enjoying the little things (even if the one little thing that I could have enjoyed in my day was seeing joy on a child's face and I missed it because I was worried about something else).  I think all of this stress has caused (in part) for me to be unmotivated along my the journey of meeting my weight loss goals.  I have had certain particular goals in mind but have not even started to focus on them because I'm either 1.) worried about too many other things; 2.) too tired from over working myself in order to work out; 3.) unmotivated to focus on myself after spending all day worrying about all of the other things I feel other people want/need of me.  No more.  I need to focus on me now.  I need to remind myself (even if it's a moment by moment reminder or a day to day reminder) that I am entitled to tell other people no and I am entitled to focus on myself.  It's allowed.  The world will not implode if I do this.  Or at least I don't think that it will...

Once again I am reminded about the phrase that was drilled into my sister, brothers and I growing up -- "poor planning on your part does not make an emergency on mine."  I am going to work on using this phrase at work when certain individuals want me to drop everything I'm working on in order for them to get their work done or for me to complete said task for them.  We'll see if this works or not.  I would like to avoid becoming road kill this week if at all possible...