Words, words, words

I decided something about myself this week -- I really, REALLY don't like the phrase "make sure everyone's on the same page."  The same page as what?  The mystical guide book that holds all of life's secrets and keeps you from getting lost?  The book that, even if it doesn't give you all the answers, at least helps to keep you from screwing things up too badly along your way?  I didn't receive my copy of that book if they were handed out to everyone - I must have been absent that day...  Where would one get a copy of that book/manual in order for me to be able to get on the proverbial page that everyone else is on?  I know that I've written before that I don't want to have the opportunity to see into the future or to have all of the answers but there would be time it would be nice to not feel so confused/lost...

I know that phrase has become a common one both in and out of the workplace and I'm not entirely sure why it bothers me as much as it does.  Maybe one of the reasons that it bothers me so much is the phrase is all to often used when there is no page involved.  It's a phrase worked into conversation (especially during or in reference to meetings I've found) when there is nothing put in writing thus making it very difficult to be on any page at all.

Why are some people so afraid to put things down on paper?  Are they scared/worried that those written words might get out at some point?  I'm asking because I'm not one who understands that - I write a public blog!  Even before I started writing my blog, I was one who loved (and still do) to write notes/letters to people and I've never been shy about putting my thoughts/feelings out there for people to read about.  I still have old journals that I wrote in so I could revisit those thoughts (some of it has made for some very interesting reading depending on what point in my life I was writing them).  Maybe one of the reasons this bothers me so much is it subconsciously makes me think about the wasband.  He was never one to write notes/love letters unless persuaded to do so and that bothered me.  Granted, I probably would have hidden them away or destroyed them all at this point but that's beside the point...

I guess at this point, I just have to keep reminding myself that all of this boils down to perception.  I see it as, when things aren't written down, there is room to take what people say and interpret what they say the way that you want to.  When things are put onto paper, it limits the amount of wiggle room that can happen.  I know that it might be scary for some to put thoughts/expectations/words onto paper but I think that it would be helpful for it to happen in lots of different situations...

Okay...  Time to be done with that train of thought.  On the plus side, I can now say that I'm an official belly dance instructor and I have my own class.  A number of weeks ago, my dance instructor asked me if I would like to take over her Saturday classes as my own and I taught my first class yesterday.  There were a total of seven students (three newbies, two who have been taking lessons from my instructor and two troupe members who came to support me).  The three new gals said that they'll be back next week but we'll see if they come back (hopefully I didn't scare them off!).  I think it was a fun class and hopefully I'll be able to keep that up in the weeks to come.

Well, on that note, I'm going to bring this to a close for the evening and get some work done before heading to bed.  Fingers crossed that I'll be able to get back on track on working on my muchness in the upcoming week...  I wish that for you as well, dear readers.  Embrace your muchness!  =)

Stronger

This past week started out like every other week by me going to work and thinking that it would be uneventful.  That's where I made my first error....  This past week left me exhausted from all of the running around I needed to do on a daily basis (people called in sick to work which left us with an even tighter schedule than we originally thought).  One day I also ended up working all day with a migraine (which I don't know if it was stress induced, allergy induced or a combination of the two) which was definitely no fun but I survived the day so I guess I can place that in the accomplishment column.  I guess each day that something like this happens shows me that I'm even stronger than I think I am...

With everything that's happened over the last number of years, I don't know why that always seems to surprise me but it does.  Maybe it'll help when I just embrace that concept rather than feeling as if I'm fighting against it all the time.  I know that I'm a strong person and that I always have been so I don't know why I might question that part of me.  Some of that might come from feeling as if other people question me so that causes me to question myself.  One of the goals that I am really going to work on is to not let what others think about me cause me to doubt myself or to change who I am.

I think one of the things that stops me from working on this goal is that I really don't necessarily like to rock the boat.  Yes, there are times that I might talk a "big game" but I often work towards just wanting to fit in.  At this point in my life, maybe I need to realize that there might be a part of me that isn't satisfied with fitting in and that part of me really wants to stand out.  I think I just might need to work on finding out what that balance looks like for me and while I can ask the opinion of others, I need to decide for myself what that balance is going to be.  One of the things I have to realize for myself is that even I've been a certain way that doesn't have to continue to define me -- I have the opportunity to change into whoever I want to become (I just have to realize who that is).

While thinking about the future, I also am drawn to thoughts of the past.  I had asked my Dad yesterday to send me photos from childhood.  After looking at those pictures and remembering some of them (some of them I don't remember because I was so little), it's interesting to realize that part of who I was then is still inside of me and it's up to me to determine if that side of me is something that I want the world to be...  When I was little, I was fearless (I even was fearless enough to turn the water hose on my Grandfather even after he told me that I'd better not... and I'm still here to write about it!) and somehow along the way I've lost some of that fearlessness.  I know some of it is still there but I'd like to get more of it back if that's possible.

Maybe I'll be able to accomplish this when I work more on finding my muchness.  I worked on it some today when I decided to drive around with the top of my convertible down.  It was a gorgeous day here today and it felt wonderful to drive around with the sun on my skin.  I will have to remember to take time to take drives like this when the weather is this nice again.  I know that there is a possibility of beautiful weather this week but my schedule may not allow nice long drives.  I might just have to drop the top of the car even if it's just on the drive from work to home if nothing else...

Well, unfortunately my allergy medication is wearing off and I'm finding it difficult to breathe.  I think I'm going to take some more and relax a bit before heading to bed.  Have a fabulous week, dear readers, and I hope muchness comes your way!  =)

Kid at heart

Today I took time for me to work on my muchness.  Actually I didn't just take the time, I took it and ran with it.  And while I was running with it, I didn't feel guilty about doing so at all!  Because we had a dance gig yesterday, I had told the choir director and praise band at church that I wasn't going to be there today.  While they attempted to make me feel as if they needed me there, I told them that I needed to take the day for me and I left it at that.

With my day for me, I took myself whale watching again.  As we were waiting for the boat to pull away from the dock, I even went outside of my comfort zone and talked to a family who had never been whale watching before and I helped answer some of their questions.  I felt like an "unofficial tour guide" which was kind of cool!  The water was pretty choppy today so the boat ride was an adventure in and of itself (I have a new appreciation for when someone says they were "riding the waves" because it almost felt as if the boat was on a roller coaster).  Unfortunately today didn't provide us with the opportunity to see any whales (they must have been hiding where the water was calmer) but we did see lots of dolphins and I got some pretty neat photos of them (including a photo of a dolphin tale which I didn't expect -- the sun was bright so I didn't even realize what I captured in the photographs until later).  Because I didn't see any whales this time, I guess that means I'll just have to find time to make the time for me to go again.

Once the boat docked, I took myself to a little restaurant that Mom and I found when she visited and I enjoyed a crepe.  There were plenty of "healthy" ones on the menu but I chose one that sounded the yummiest -- homemade caramel with homemade whipped cream.  I could've had about 12 more!  I also ordered their caramel apple cider (which is one of my favorites) but I was disappointed with it today - it tasted very watered down.  Oh, well...  I guess that just means that I'll have to try again along with my try again whale watching trip!  =)

Yesterday's gig seemed to go pretty well.  It was an outside performance so we had a couple of issues that went along with that (it was chilly and the wind would occasionally gust) and the stage we were supposed to use wasn't level so we ended up dancing on the asphalt (which also wasn't level).  The crowd seemed to enjoy our performance (and the crowd got bigger and bigger as our performance went on) and I even had a small "fan club" who said I was their favorite dancer (three little girls wanted to talk to me after our performance).  I danced my sword solo yesterday and while things didn't go exactly as I wanted them to go, I didn't cut myself this year (this was the same performance opportunity where I cut my hand with my sword last year while I was wearing my new golden costume).

When I was talking with my Mom today, she told me something that I will have to take with me when I go to work tomorrow...  She said that she wasn't surprised that I had the "fan club" of little girls yesterday since children seem to flock to me (and they always have) and that I need to remember that when dealing with adults, they're just kids who have forgotten how to be kids and I can try to remind them of what it's like to be a kid.  I never mind talking/working with children because they are open to so many new possibilities/ideas but when I work with adults I sometimes get frustrated because, while there are some who have their childlike spirit still, most have forgotten how.  Maybe part of my quest is to help some of them remember their childlike spirit...  Not sure how I'm going to do it but something to think about at least...  It is my wish for each of you that you'll have the opportunity to do at least one thing this week that reminds you of your childlike spirit...

Well, on that note, I'm going to sign off for tonight dear readers, think about my muchness (and how to continue to embrace it in the week ahead) and I hope that you do the same...  Have a great week!  =)

Perception

I had a moment today that made me realize just how lucky I am that I survived my teenage years...  I saw a Mom try to give her 13-year-old a hug and tell her something when the teenager turned to her mother and say, "Would you just shut up and get off of me?!"  Unfortunately this scenario is all to familiar to me because that was me and my Mom for several years.  While I could relate to this teen, I felt bad for the Mom because I saw the hurt in her eyes that I ignored in the eyes of my own Mom when I said/did these things to her in my past.  I wanted to tell the girl that there will be a time when she realizes that she doesn't know everything and her Mom was only trying to help her with that sooner in her life.  Looking back, I know that's what I learned from that stage in my life...

Something I'm trying to learn at this stage in my life is how to not allow what other people do/say bother me so much.  I still have the tendency to internalize things, even those things that I should just let slide off my back.  Rather than letting those things bother me, I need to use them as growth opportunities for myself and move on.  I guess I need to go back to the attitude from one of my favorite movies (Fame) and say, "I must remember this feeling and use it in my acting!"

Right now, unfortunately the feeling that has often come to my surface is frustration.  In my opinion I feel as if I'm once again trying to do too many thing for too many different people and I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to continue at this breakneck pace.  I think that before too much longer I'm going to need to schedule a "me" day in order to do things that I want to do.  This weekend I tried to work on the last baby blanket for the nephews (I have yet to finish the baby blanket for the second baby born last summer) and I ended up falling asleep on the couch mid-stitch.  While that tells me that I haven't been getting enough sleep, I also think it means that my body needed an escape (even if it was just a 1.5 hour nap).

I'm not exactly sure what I would do on my "me" day but one of the things I would love to do before too much longer is to go whale watching again.  I love the freedom and the exhilaration I feel when I'm out on the ocean (I think in another life I must have been a pirate or something) and looking for those magnificent animals.  I think part of what I need to do is take the time for myself, enjoy myself and not feeling guilty for doing so.  That's going to be the biggest challenge for myself -- not feeling guilty for taking time for me.

I know that other people don't feel guilty for taking time for them so I'm not entirely sure why I have a tendency to do so.  I was planning on taking time for myself yesterday (and I even had a plan for my day) and one text message changed all of that.  Someone made me feel as if they needed me and then when I was there, it didn't really feel as if they did.  Because that happened, I didn't accomplish half of what I wanted to for me.  While the things I wanted to do weren't overly exciting, they were how I wanted to spend my day and that didn't get to happen.  One of the things my brother reminded me of is a saying we heard quite often from our parents growing up (and it's something that I think I'm really going to have to get better at using), "poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine."  Maybe if I can do that, I won't feel as if people are taking advantage of me...

I know that this feeling comes from me and that I am the one who can change my feelings and my perception.  I guess this is going to be my challenge to myself -- to work on how I perceive situations and what I am/am not going to let get to me...  We'll see how I do with that.  Since it's been a long week (and I'm not entirely sure what this coming week has in store for me), I think I'm going to bring this to a close and do something for me before going to bed.  Goodnight, dear readers!