I have a confession to make to you, my dear readers... One of the things that I promised myself at the beginnings of my Quest is that I would use this space as an opportunity to write about my thoughts/feelings without censoring myself. I need to confess that last week, I censored myself as I wrote my post...
Last week, I wrote "back to why I'm obsessing over this [trying to lose weight/inches before going to visit family]... I've been thinking about the answer to that for the last few hours and I don't know that I've come up with a really good answer to it... I don't know if it's because I feel as if I have something to prove or what. All I do know is this is something that I feel strongly about and I feel as if it's something that I need to do." Even as I wrote it, I did have one reason that came to mind but I wasn't sure about actually putting it into writing - but even that censorship by omission is something that I didn't want to do when it came to my writing...
So, that being said, I think that one of the reasons I'm obsessing with wanting to lose weight/inches before seeing my family again is because I want to redeem myself in their eyes. I have said for years and years that I want to lose weight and be smaller but I've done so doing crash diets or have given up on my goals. The redemption I want to do for myself but also for them (family members). I guess that also comes from still feeling like I have something to prove after feeling somewhat inadequate still after the divorce. I don't know if it's just coincidence that these feelings are building up now that we're nearing the anniversary of the wasband leaving or if they're still just latent feelings All I know is that the feelings are there and I'm trying really hard to not have them consume me.
It seems to me that I'm replacing one obsession with food/eating with working out and I know in my head that neither option is healthy. I think that one of the things I'm finally trying to do for myself is have my outside match how I feel on the inside -- not necessarily match how, in my head, my reflection looks in the mirror. There are times I am impressed with the "me" I see in the mirror and other times I see the old me looking back at me from the mirror - the me that hasn't lost any weight at all. I know that's not the case and that I have done a lot of hard work to get to where I am but at other times I don't feel as if I've done near enough.
And I do realize that when it comes to these issues, I am incredibly biased and hard on myself. I guess something else to add to the list of things to work on along the journey of my quest. One of the things that I should point out is none of this pressure is coming from any of my family members but it's pressure that I'm putting on myself. My family has given me nothing but love and encouragement throughout this whole process. I am trying not to be overly hard on myself (and for me that's a challenge in and of itself) because I know that will be counterproductive in the long run when it comes to my transformation.
Well my dear readers, the time has come that I need to put this away for the evening in order to head to bed before my busy week ahead. I will pledge once again to try really hard and not censor my writings and to write what I'm thinking/feeling.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Transformation
I had a thought provoking question posed to me today... Why do I feel the need to impress family members by transforming myself more before I visit? The question was posed because I have the opportunity to visit family in the upcoming months and I am pushing myself again when it comes to my physical transformation. Yes, I took a bit of a diet hiatus after visiting the last time and while I didn't gain too many pounds back, I gained a couple back and now I want to lose those pounds and then some before visiting again. In an effort to lose those pounds/inches, I have purchased a few more dance workout DVDs to see if I can jump start my metabolism and lose what I want to. One of the DVDs contains three different 20 minute workouts while the other two are an hour each. I'm hoping that I'll be able to work them into my weekly schedule.
Some people would ask why it sounds like I'm trying to kill myself in an effort to trim down before my trip. One of the reasons why I'm trying to fit more workouts into my weekly schedule is, I've cut down my belly dancing hours in half each week. I had been attending class for two hours on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturday. My instructor has decided to take a bit of a break and is no longer offering Saturday classes (currently but it may be permanent), one of the Wednesday classes I had been attending is now a class strictly for beginners so I'm down to one hour on Wednesdays and two on Mondays. The workout DVDs that I purchased are cardio dance workouts with Latin dance influence so they'll be using a lot of the same muscle groups used in belly dance I hope.
The only downside to pushing myself is I'm hoping that I don't bulk up muscle wise as I've done in the past with workouts. There was a point a number of years ago where I took up Tae-Bo 3-4 days a week in the living room and while I lost some weight, I also ended up building more muscle than I was hoping to so I didn't trim down as much as I wanted to. This time around workout wise, I am hoping to lose weight as well as trim down. I guess time will only tell if I'm going to be able to get the results I'm looking for or not.
So, back to why I'm obsessing over this... I've been thinking about the answer to that for the last few hours and I don't know that I've come up with a really good answer to it... I don't know if it's because I feel as if I have something to prove or what. All I do know is this is something that I feel strongly about and I feel as if it's something that I need to do.
I had an experience last night that I'm not sure if I want to relive or not. I was reading before bed when all of a sudden it felt as if my bed had turned into one of those beds that you put change into and it begins to vibrate. It took me a second to realize what was going on but all I could figure it was an earthquake. I reached for my iPad and looked up the local news website and sure enough there had been an earthquake! The thing that I thought was strange was the dogs didn't react to it at all at the time. However, today my dogs have been little Velcro dogs (even to the point of whining the entire time I was taking my shower after my morning workout!). It's been quite some time since my dogs have been Velcro dogs so I found it to be slightly annoying but I guess I can't blame them too much - I mean, the ground was moving after all...
I finished a book this week that Mom recommended the last time I visited. It equated two women's life journey to the metamorphosis of a butterfly. Once I started reading the book, I didn't want to put it down. I could relate so much to the main characters of the book and when I was finished with the book, I told Mom that I feel as if I'm ready to take a little bit more control of my own destiny. I'm not entirely sure what all that is going to entail but maybe that may have a little bit to do with my body metamorphosis obsession as of late. I'm ready to stop being a caterpillar and ready to begin my transformation into a butterfly. I will keep you posted...
Some people would ask why it sounds like I'm trying to kill myself in an effort to trim down before my trip. One of the reasons why I'm trying to fit more workouts into my weekly schedule is, I've cut down my belly dancing hours in half each week. I had been attending class for two hours on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturday. My instructor has decided to take a bit of a break and is no longer offering Saturday classes (currently but it may be permanent), one of the Wednesday classes I had been attending is now a class strictly for beginners so I'm down to one hour on Wednesdays and two on Mondays. The workout DVDs that I purchased are cardio dance workouts with Latin dance influence so they'll be using a lot of the same muscle groups used in belly dance I hope.
The only downside to pushing myself is I'm hoping that I don't bulk up muscle wise as I've done in the past with workouts. There was a point a number of years ago where I took up Tae-Bo 3-4 days a week in the living room and while I lost some weight, I also ended up building more muscle than I was hoping to so I didn't trim down as much as I wanted to. This time around workout wise, I am hoping to lose weight as well as trim down. I guess time will only tell if I'm going to be able to get the results I'm looking for or not.
So, back to why I'm obsessing over this... I've been thinking about the answer to that for the last few hours and I don't know that I've come up with a really good answer to it... I don't know if it's because I feel as if I have something to prove or what. All I do know is this is something that I feel strongly about and I feel as if it's something that I need to do.
I had an experience last night that I'm not sure if I want to relive or not. I was reading before bed when all of a sudden it felt as if my bed had turned into one of those beds that you put change into and it begins to vibrate. It took me a second to realize what was going on but all I could figure it was an earthquake. I reached for my iPad and looked up the local news website and sure enough there had been an earthquake! The thing that I thought was strange was the dogs didn't react to it at all at the time. However, today my dogs have been little Velcro dogs (even to the point of whining the entire time I was taking my shower after my morning workout!). It's been quite some time since my dogs have been Velcro dogs so I found it to be slightly annoying but I guess I can't blame them too much - I mean, the ground was moving after all...
I finished a book this week that Mom recommended the last time I visited. It equated two women's life journey to the metamorphosis of a butterfly. Once I started reading the book, I didn't want to put it down. I could relate so much to the main characters of the book and when I was finished with the book, I told Mom that I feel as if I'm ready to take a little bit more control of my own destiny. I'm not entirely sure what all that is going to entail but maybe that may have a little bit to do with my body metamorphosis obsession as of late. I'm ready to stop being a caterpillar and ready to begin my transformation into a butterfly. I will keep you posted...
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Busy, busy, busy...
This past week was a whirlwind of activity... I don't remember if I filled you in or not but I now work with the school age children for after school care. This past week, the kids were out of school so we had them in our building all day every day. In an effort to make planning easier on the staff, I took on most of the planning of activities and they only had to cover the basics. The theme of the week was "Survivor" or "make it work with what you've been given." I wasn't quite sure how the week was going to come across since they had never attempted anything of this nature at the center before but I had a lot of fun and the kids actually complained on the last day of camp. When I assured them that we could possibly repeat the theme at some point, the cheer was deafening. It was nice to know that they thoroughly enjoyed themselves.
To begin the week, I put the names of all of the children in attendance in a hat. I placed five different colors of construction paper on the floor (one for each group we were going to have - based on staffing), began to pull the names of the children one at a time and place them on the different pieces of paper. Once all of the kids were separated, I took the names of the staff, mixed them up and randomly placed them on the colored paper. Once the groups were "assigned", they broke into their groups to come up with a group name and a mascot. That afternoon, the groups were given random supplies to build their group mascot. I was very impressed with how the kids used the supplies that they were given and that their attitudes remained positive with the different tasks they were given. Some of the other tasks were to write a story using their mascot as the main character, create a book out of their story, make backdrop scenes for their books and create banners out of random pieces of material (three of the groups were given tacky glue, one group lanyard ribbon and scissors and one group paper clips to hold their banners together - I had to cover one of the groups and guess what connector I got - the paper clips... one of the Kindergartner's suggested to open up the paper clips into "giant S shapes and poke holes in the fabric" which is what I would have done). I hung up the banners on the wall by my desk and I plan on keeping them on display - the kids were very excited to see that I put them up.
For our last group meeting, the groups took turns reading their books to everyone and I presented everyone with a certificate of participation. I also made stickers out of address labels for each of the kids to wear and you would have thought I had been giving out medals for how excited they were to receive their sticker. Because I took a risk in doing something totally different from what has always been done during these camp weeks, I was glad to see that it went over so well with both the kids and the staff. Tomorrow things go back to "normal" and we'll see how the day plays out.
Also this past week, I got to use one of the gifts I got for my birthday. I got two tickets for a belly dance event and I took one of my belly dance gal pals along for the adventure. I'm glad that I had another person go with me because we did get slightly lost looking for the venue (didn't help that we each had our phones giving us directions and there were a couple of times our phones were giving us conflicting information). We finally found a parking garage, the venue and then our seats that were located in the 3rd row. The show was a good combination of cabaret dancing and tribal/fusion (tribal/fusion being my favorite style) and during the performance they alternated which style you were watching (i.e. cabaret troupe, tribal solo, cabaret solo, tribal troupe, etc) and it kept the show very exciting/entertaining in my opinion. I saw some things in the performance that I would like to try and see if I could integrate into my personal dancing but we'll see...
Well, since I have a busy week ahead, I think I'm going to close this down and read a bit before going to bed I think (in an attempt to get some sleep... been tossing and turning quite a bit...). Have a happy week, dear readers!
To begin the week, I put the names of all of the children in attendance in a hat. I placed five different colors of construction paper on the floor (one for each group we were going to have - based on staffing), began to pull the names of the children one at a time and place them on the different pieces of paper. Once all of the kids were separated, I took the names of the staff, mixed them up and randomly placed them on the colored paper. Once the groups were "assigned", they broke into their groups to come up with a group name and a mascot. That afternoon, the groups were given random supplies to build their group mascot. I was very impressed with how the kids used the supplies that they were given and that their attitudes remained positive with the different tasks they were given. Some of the other tasks were to write a story using their mascot as the main character, create a book out of their story, make backdrop scenes for their books and create banners out of random pieces of material (three of the groups were given tacky glue, one group lanyard ribbon and scissors and one group paper clips to hold their banners together - I had to cover one of the groups and guess what connector I got - the paper clips... one of the Kindergartner's suggested to open up the paper clips into "giant S shapes and poke holes in the fabric" which is what I would have done). I hung up the banners on the wall by my desk and I plan on keeping them on display - the kids were very excited to see that I put them up.
For our last group meeting, the groups took turns reading their books to everyone and I presented everyone with a certificate of participation. I also made stickers out of address labels for each of the kids to wear and you would have thought I had been giving out medals for how excited they were to receive their sticker. Because I took a risk in doing something totally different from what has always been done during these camp weeks, I was glad to see that it went over so well with both the kids and the staff. Tomorrow things go back to "normal" and we'll see how the day plays out.
Also this past week, I got to use one of the gifts I got for my birthday. I got two tickets for a belly dance event and I took one of my belly dance gal pals along for the adventure. I'm glad that I had another person go with me because we did get slightly lost looking for the venue (didn't help that we each had our phones giving us directions and there were a couple of times our phones were giving us conflicting information). We finally found a parking garage, the venue and then our seats that were located in the 3rd row. The show was a good combination of cabaret dancing and tribal/fusion (tribal/fusion being my favorite style) and during the performance they alternated which style you were watching (i.e. cabaret troupe, tribal solo, cabaret solo, tribal troupe, etc) and it kept the show very exciting/entertaining in my opinion. I saw some things in the performance that I would like to try and see if I could integrate into my personal dancing but we'll see...
Well, since I have a busy week ahead, I think I'm going to close this down and read a bit before going to bed I think (in an attempt to get some sleep... been tossing and turning quite a bit...). Have a happy week, dear readers!
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Karma
I had a day this week where nothing seemed to go "right" for me. I wasn't able to do/say the right things at work, in conversations with those I interacted with, I questioned every action/decision I was making and none of it left me feeling very well. The day after everything seemed to go wrong, I had a magical day where everything seemed to go the way I didn't expect it to...
This past week, my driver's license expired and people told me what a nightmare the local DMV is. I went onto the website and saw that I could make an appointment. I was able to get an appointment for the next day (the day after I looked for an appointment) and I was surprised at how easy it was to make an appointment. When I got to the DMV, because I had an appointment, I basically got to jump the line of other patrons who were waiting who didn't have an appointment scheduled. Once I got my paperwork filled out and got my number, I only had to wait about 2-3 minutes before my number was called. Most people don't get excited about having to go to the DMV to get a new photo on their driver's license -- I was very excited to update mine. I was glad to have a new photo on mine and my correct weight (the wasband was overly generous when they asked him for my weight on my previous driver's license and it was listed at 60 or so pounds lower than it actually should have been). Granted, I have to wait to get my new license in the mail but it's exciting to know that it's on the way.
On the same day that I had to DMV, I also had to get something taken care of for work. I pulled into the usually jammed parking lot and was able to find a parking spot immediately and then there was no waiting in the building that I needed to go into. The problem was taken care of in less than 5 minutes and I was able to go back on my way again. All I can figure is this particular day was to cosmically make up for the bad day I had the previous day.
Another way that I was able to have good Karma came from spending time with good friends this past weekend. Yesterday was my birthday and I had a friend take me out for brunch (where we got to enjoy unlimited mimosas -- YUM!!) and then my dance instructor and her husband took me out for dinner. The funny part about dinner was they offered to take me to a restaurant that I hadn't heard of and my brunch friend told me that it was a sushi/seafood place (and I'm allergic to fish and seafood). She sent a text to our dance instructor, reminding her about my food allergies and then I got a text yelling at me for not saying something. I sent a message back saying I didn't know the restaurant and she told me to pick another place. I picked one of my favorite restaurants and ordered one of my favorite dishes of all time (and I totally ignored the calorie count!). Then another friend invited me out for lunch after church today. It was fabulous to have a weekend where I didn't have to cook for myself (since that's one of my least favorite things to do) but I'm sure I'll have to do quite a bit of dancing this upcoming week to make up for all of the calories I consumed (but it was SO worth it!!).
One of the other cosmically cool things that happened today was I was able to finally "win" an Etsy auction for a pair of really exciting/fun/wild arm warmers. The arm warmers are a combination of rainbows and two different kinds of animal print. Yes, their wild and silly and I can't wait to get them and wear them around. Out of the 15 pairs that were up for auction in the sale, I believe the ones that I was able to buy were the "funkiest" up for sale and that just made me giggle even more when I "won" them.
I'm just hoping that being able to win these arm warmers (along with the other good things that happened in the last couple of days) doesn't mean that not so good things are going to happen in the upcoming week. I mean, I know I have a full and busy week but I'm hoping that everything goes smoothly. I will let you know how it all works out...
This past week, my driver's license expired and people told me what a nightmare the local DMV is. I went onto the website and saw that I could make an appointment. I was able to get an appointment for the next day (the day after I looked for an appointment) and I was surprised at how easy it was to make an appointment. When I got to the DMV, because I had an appointment, I basically got to jump the line of other patrons who were waiting who didn't have an appointment scheduled. Once I got my paperwork filled out and got my number, I only had to wait about 2-3 minutes before my number was called. Most people don't get excited about having to go to the DMV to get a new photo on their driver's license -- I was very excited to update mine. I was glad to have a new photo on mine and my correct weight (the wasband was overly generous when they asked him for my weight on my previous driver's license and it was listed at 60 or so pounds lower than it actually should have been). Granted, I have to wait to get my new license in the mail but it's exciting to know that it's on the way.
On the same day that I had to DMV, I also had to get something taken care of for work. I pulled into the usually jammed parking lot and was able to find a parking spot immediately and then there was no waiting in the building that I needed to go into. The problem was taken care of in less than 5 minutes and I was able to go back on my way again. All I can figure is this particular day was to cosmically make up for the bad day I had the previous day.
Another way that I was able to have good Karma came from spending time with good friends this past weekend. Yesterday was my birthday and I had a friend take me out for brunch (where we got to enjoy unlimited mimosas -- YUM!!) and then my dance instructor and her husband took me out for dinner. The funny part about dinner was they offered to take me to a restaurant that I hadn't heard of and my brunch friend told me that it was a sushi/seafood place (and I'm allergic to fish and seafood). She sent a text to our dance instructor, reminding her about my food allergies and then I got a text yelling at me for not saying something. I sent a message back saying I didn't know the restaurant and she told me to pick another place. I picked one of my favorite restaurants and ordered one of my favorite dishes of all time (and I totally ignored the calorie count!). Then another friend invited me out for lunch after church today. It was fabulous to have a weekend where I didn't have to cook for myself (since that's one of my least favorite things to do) but I'm sure I'll have to do quite a bit of dancing this upcoming week to make up for all of the calories I consumed (but it was SO worth it!!).
One of the other cosmically cool things that happened today was I was able to finally "win" an Etsy auction for a pair of really exciting/fun/wild arm warmers. The arm warmers are a combination of rainbows and two different kinds of animal print. Yes, their wild and silly and I can't wait to get them and wear them around. Out of the 15 pairs that were up for auction in the sale, I believe the ones that I was able to buy were the "funkiest" up for sale and that just made me giggle even more when I "won" them.
I'm just hoping that being able to win these arm warmers (along with the other good things that happened in the last couple of days) doesn't mean that not so good things are going to happen in the upcoming week. I mean, I know I have a full and busy week but I'm hoping that everything goes smoothly. I will let you know how it all works out...
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