Well, on the plus side this week, I didn't have anyone offer to "fix" me however that could be because people didn't want to get too close to me since I was sick and they didn't want me to infect them... I had a touch of laryngitis, then felt better and went back to feeling under the weather. This past wave of not feeling well has left my sinuses congested and a cough. As of this afternoon, I think I have found the right combination of medication and rest and am hopefully on the upswing of this whole mess. I really don't like feeling sick...
Because I wasn't feeling well (and had a slight fever on Thursday), I ended up not going to choir practice. I know that I didn't go to vocal choir the week before but I didn't want to risk going this past week and get everyone in the choir sick. I fell asleep on the couch after I made the phone calls to let people know I wasn't going to choir, woke up after a couple of hours to get something to eat and I fell asleep with the plate on my lap. The dogs woke me up about 10 or so licking my plate. At that point I figured it was time to fall asleep in my bed in attempt to feel better. Thankfully when I woke up the following morning, my fever was gone and I was able to make it through the work day. It's a good thing since I had to work yesterday too (even though it was Saturday) for an event. We had a lot of fun but it was a long day... Good thing I have a three day weekend coming up!
I don't have any plans in particular for my three day weekend but one of the things that I'm hoping to do is to catch up on some sleep. Just when I think I'm getting a handle on sleep deprivation, something happens that keeps me up at night. Because I've been congested, I know that I haven't been getting the type of sleep that I've needed to in order to get over this cold (since I don't seem to get the best sleep when I'm attempting to sleep upright). Now that I'm feeling better, I'm hoping to get some good sleep tonight but only time will tell. =)
I had another small reason to give myself kudos this week. Small/silly to some but it was an accomplishment for me so I'm going to be proud of myself for doing something that I've never done before. Since my work hours have changed, it is sometimes difficult to get routine tasks done after I get off of work. One of the things I had to find a way around this past week was getting a check deposited into my bank account. Since I didn't make it to the bank during my lunch break, I took the check to my ATM to deposit the check. Here is where my sense of accomplishment came in... I have honestly never used an ATM to deposit a check before so it was a new experience for me. It was a fairly easy experience and, since it was my first time doing this, I'm glad I didn't mess it up. =)
Well, since I have some things that I would like to attempt to do before heading to bed tonight, I think I'm going to sign off for tonight. I hope that we can all learn to celebrate even the smallest of accomplishments, even if it's just to encourage yourself to keep putting one foot in front of the other...
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
I'm not broken!
I must have a sign on my forehead that says "broken" or a crack running through me that I can't see... In the last couple of weeks, I have had different people offer to "fix" me and I'm trying to understand why. Yes, I still have parts of me that I would like to work on but they are things that I need need to work on. It's not up to anyone else to fix me because I don't feel as if I am necessarily broken. I guess one of the things that I need to decide for myself is if I'm going to continue to allow comments like this from other people to be something I find acceptable or not. When someone made this particular comment to me yesterday, I actually let them know in the moment that I wasn't broken and even if I was, it's not up to them to feel like it's their responsibility to fix me. I don't think they were expecting that type of a response from me.
I wasn't trying to be mean when I made my comment to them but I really felt the need to make my point. I told the individual that I respected the personal journey they're on (because they kept bringing up their journey as what I should compare mine to) but they, in turn, needed to respect the journey that I'm on and to understand that it's up to me to decide who walks with me along my journey. Now that I've said it, I need to make sure I stick to that.
Something that I realized this past week is that I've been throwing myself a lot of pity parties lately. Yes, I've been tired and felt somewhat overworked but that doesn't make pity parties a necessity as well. I just have to keep reminding myself that the occasional pity party may be fine but I don't have to let them go on and on.
I think one of the things that helped break me of the pity party mentality was my car. As the weather has started to cool off, mornings have gotten colder. The other morning when I went to head to work, my tire light was on. Of course, I couldn't find my tire gauge so my plan was to pick one after work. I ended up having to work late that night unexpectedly and only had about 15 minutes or so to run home and let the dogs out before having to be at choir practice. Because I had a touch of laryngitis this past week, I went to hand bell choir rehearsal but ended up not staying for vocal choir. During that time, I went and picked up a tire gauge. I have a portable jump start/air compressor so I was able to put air in the tires myself. While I was at it, I checked the oil in my car as well. That was another process in and of itself...
In order to get to the dipstick to check the oil, I had to lift a carpet, lift a metal panel out of the way and then remove the dipstick. I then had to put the metal panel back down, along with the carpet, to wipe the dipstick, lift everything out of the way again to put the stick back, remove it and check the oil. After that was all said and done (and it was determined that my car did not need oil), I had to put the dipstick back, put the metal panel back in place and put the carpet back down. Of course since I was attempting to do everything myself (since what other option did I have), the metal panel did not want to go back into place easily so I ended up having to hold the carpet out of the way with my head (since it couldn't be removed completely) and use two hands to replace the metal panel. Once the panel was in place and the carpet was put back down, I felt a sense of accomplishment. While some of the car ordeal was a pain, I was proud of myself for getting it done. To place a icing on the cake, the next day when I got in the car to go to work, the tire light was still off so I did the job right! =)
I think I need to go back to one of the things I wrote about back in Year One of Gypsy's Quest... That is, I need to celebrate some of my small accomplishments and not just wait for the big ones to happen. Yes, that may seem a little silly but I know that it's a very important aspect along my personal journey.
Another bigger accomplishment came after my solo performance last night. I danced my sword solo for a packed restaurant show last night and changed during the intermission to prepare for our group dance. After I changed and was putting final touches on my costume in preparation, I was approached by a a fabulous local dancer and she asked if she could talk to me for a minute. Once the initial shock wore off, she gave me another reason to be left speechless... She told me that she could tell that I loved sword work and that she thinks she got a glimpse of my soul as I danced. That was a huge compliment for me and I think it's going to continue to push me to continue to work on perfecting my skills as a sword dancer. I also had another dancer (who was just an audience member last night) tell me that she didn't get out her phone for photos/videos until I started to dance. That really meant a lot to me!
Since I'm still a little excited about the show from last night and from the AWESOME birthday surprise to look forward to from my Mom and Dad (more details to come....), I think I'm going to sign off for tonight in order to get mentally/physically prepared for the busy week ahead. I'm hoping to have a week that is pity party free (and if a pity party must occur, I hope I'm able to have it not last very long...).
I wasn't trying to be mean when I made my comment to them but I really felt the need to make my point. I told the individual that I respected the personal journey they're on (because they kept bringing up their journey as what I should compare mine to) but they, in turn, needed to respect the journey that I'm on and to understand that it's up to me to decide who walks with me along my journey. Now that I've said it, I need to make sure I stick to that.
Something that I realized this past week is that I've been throwing myself a lot of pity parties lately. Yes, I've been tired and felt somewhat overworked but that doesn't make pity parties a necessity as well. I just have to keep reminding myself that the occasional pity party may be fine but I don't have to let them go on and on.
I think one of the things that helped break me of the pity party mentality was my car. As the weather has started to cool off, mornings have gotten colder. The other morning when I went to head to work, my tire light was on. Of course, I couldn't find my tire gauge so my plan was to pick one after work. I ended up having to work late that night unexpectedly and only had about 15 minutes or so to run home and let the dogs out before having to be at choir practice. Because I had a touch of laryngitis this past week, I went to hand bell choir rehearsal but ended up not staying for vocal choir. During that time, I went and picked up a tire gauge. I have a portable jump start/air compressor so I was able to put air in the tires myself. While I was at it, I checked the oil in my car as well. That was another process in and of itself...
In order to get to the dipstick to check the oil, I had to lift a carpet, lift a metal panel out of the way and then remove the dipstick. I then had to put the metal panel back down, along with the carpet, to wipe the dipstick, lift everything out of the way again to put the stick back, remove it and check the oil. After that was all said and done (and it was determined that my car did not need oil), I had to put the dipstick back, put the metal panel back in place and put the carpet back down. Of course since I was attempting to do everything myself (since what other option did I have), the metal panel did not want to go back into place easily so I ended up having to hold the carpet out of the way with my head (since it couldn't be removed completely) and use two hands to replace the metal panel. Once the panel was in place and the carpet was put back down, I felt a sense of accomplishment. While some of the car ordeal was a pain, I was proud of myself for getting it done. To place a icing on the cake, the next day when I got in the car to go to work, the tire light was still off so I did the job right! =)
I think I need to go back to one of the things I wrote about back in Year One of Gypsy's Quest... That is, I need to celebrate some of my small accomplishments and not just wait for the big ones to happen. Yes, that may seem a little silly but I know that it's a very important aspect along my personal journey.
Another bigger accomplishment came after my solo performance last night. I danced my sword solo for a packed restaurant show last night and changed during the intermission to prepare for our group dance. After I changed and was putting final touches on my costume in preparation, I was approached by a a fabulous local dancer and she asked if she could talk to me for a minute. Once the initial shock wore off, she gave me another reason to be left speechless... She told me that she could tell that I loved sword work and that she thinks she got a glimpse of my soul as I danced. That was a huge compliment for me and I think it's going to continue to push me to continue to work on perfecting my skills as a sword dancer. I also had another dancer (who was just an audience member last night) tell me that she didn't get out her phone for photos/videos until I started to dance. That really meant a lot to me!
Since I'm still a little excited about the show from last night and from the AWESOME birthday surprise to look forward to from my Mom and Dad (more details to come....), I think I'm going to sign off for tonight in order to get mentally/physically prepared for the busy week ahead. I'm hoping to have a week that is pity party free (and if a pity party must occur, I hope I'm able to have it not last very long...).
Sunday, September 16, 2012
To Do list
It has been a long week.... It seemed to be one thing after another at work this week (and tomorrow intimidates me already because two of my right-hand people at work have the day off) and while the extra hours are nice for my paycheck, I'm exhausted. While most people have no trouble sleeping after long and busy days, I am the opposite. When I feel over stressed or over tired, I tend to toss and turn at night. Yesterday the lack of sleep caught up to me and I feel asleep on the couch for a couple of hours unexpectedly. Yes, it felt good to take my nap but it then gave me a more difficult time to fall asleep last night... I'm really hoping that one of these days I am able to find a system that works for me and I'll be able to catch up on all of this lost sleep...
I'm still working on finding my niche at work (since I've switched buildings/age groups) and I'm hoping that I'm not failing miserably in the process. I feel as if some people are open to me and my ideas but other people just talk about me behind my back. That's not a good feeling. I don't want to change my personality just to placate my coworkers but I don't want the group of them (or even a couple of them) to stage a coup behind my back because they don't like my personality. I know because I work with people, I am always going to run into someone that doesn't like me or my personality but I can't have it effect how I do my job - work still has to get done regardless. I just have to work on finding a balancing act that I can live with.
In the midst of me trying to find time to catch up on sleep and to balance life with coworkers, I am also still desperately attempting to change how I look on the outside (both with my weight loss but work on my own personal "style" as well). As it cools off here, I know that I can't wear an oversized sweatshirt to work every day (even thought I'm one who really LOVES to wear an oversized sweatshirt) so I have to find things to wear that are both functional as well as comfortable. That, for me, has always been somewhat of a struggle. I guess I just have to decide, for me, what I want my "style" to be.
In order to decide what I want my style to be, I think first I need to decide who I want to be. That is not an easy task (as you've read in past posts, I have been trying to define who "me" is for the last 4 years) and I'm struggling with it. People tell me that I can be whoever I want to be but they don't tell me how. I'm not too bad at helping others determine who they are but when it comes to myself, I don't really know where to start. That's something I need to put on my To Do list I think though and make myself a priority (my sister pointed out tonight that I need to put it on my Now List not my Sometime in the Future List).
Now I'm not one to go against good advice that my sister gives me so I guess I need to prioritize my To Do list and make sure that I put some things for myself on there. I have a tendency to place other people at higher priority on my To Do list and the things for me move down in order to make room. I need to stop doing that. Something to put on my To Do list I guess. =)
That being said, I think I'm going to bring this to a close for this evening and I will write again next week. I have a busy week ahead (including a dance performance that includes a troupe dance as well as a solo piece) so I should probably attempt to get some sleep tonight...
I'm still working on finding my niche at work (since I've switched buildings/age groups) and I'm hoping that I'm not failing miserably in the process. I feel as if some people are open to me and my ideas but other people just talk about me behind my back. That's not a good feeling. I don't want to change my personality just to placate my coworkers but I don't want the group of them (or even a couple of them) to stage a coup behind my back because they don't like my personality. I know because I work with people, I am always going to run into someone that doesn't like me or my personality but I can't have it effect how I do my job - work still has to get done regardless. I just have to work on finding a balancing act that I can live with.
In the midst of me trying to find time to catch up on sleep and to balance life with coworkers, I am also still desperately attempting to change how I look on the outside (both with my weight loss but work on my own personal "style" as well). As it cools off here, I know that I can't wear an oversized sweatshirt to work every day (even thought I'm one who really LOVES to wear an oversized sweatshirt) so I have to find things to wear that are both functional as well as comfortable. That, for me, has always been somewhat of a struggle. I guess I just have to decide, for me, what I want my "style" to be.
In order to decide what I want my style to be, I think first I need to decide who I want to be. That is not an easy task (as you've read in past posts, I have been trying to define who "me" is for the last 4 years) and I'm struggling with it. People tell me that I can be whoever I want to be but they don't tell me how. I'm not too bad at helping others determine who they are but when it comes to myself, I don't really know where to start. That's something I need to put on my To Do list I think though and make myself a priority (my sister pointed out tonight that I need to put it on my Now List not my Sometime in the Future List).
Now I'm not one to go against good advice that my sister gives me so I guess I need to prioritize my To Do list and make sure that I put some things for myself on there. I have a tendency to place other people at higher priority on my To Do list and the things for me move down in order to make room. I need to stop doing that. Something to put on my To Do list I guess. =)
That being said, I think I'm going to bring this to a close for this evening and I will write again next week. I have a busy week ahead (including a dance performance that includes a troupe dance as well as a solo piece) so I should probably attempt to get some sleep tonight...
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Goal setting
I am hoping that one of these days I'm actually going to be able to take my own advice or I'm able to accomplish some of the goals I set for myself on here.... I keep writing about taking time for myself and not feeling guilty when I actually try. This past Monday, I had the day off of work and I decided to have a "do whatever I want" day. I got part way through the day (took myself to the movies, got lunch, wandered around, etc.) and then I started to think about all of the things I "should have" been doing instead; so rather than enjoying the things I did accomplish, I felt guilty for not getting those other things done. Maybe, rather than focusing on those things, I need to look instead that I did take some time to myself and I didn't just make plans for myself and not follow through.
One of the things I think I need to go back to is something I attempted to work on a few years ago... I need to learn to be the kind of friend to myself that I am to other people. My personality is such that I am often a sounding board for others but when it comes to analyzing myself, I am definitely my own worst critic. I think I need to learn how to step back and look at things more objectively when it comes to myself.
A friend of mine has suggested that maybe something that might help me is to make a list of the attributes I like in myself and a separate list of traits I might want to change. From there, examine the list and decide if those things I would change are realistic or not. If they're not realistic, cross them off the list and move on from them. Just because they're not realistic, doesn't make me a failure because I can't achieve them, it actually could help keep me from feeling like a failure in advance. I'm not sure if it'll work or not but I guess it's something that might be worth a shot.
Something else I know that I need to work on is letting go... I need to let go of the parts of my past that haven't been favorable (even though they have brought me to the point in my life I currently find myself) and allow myself to move on. I also need to learn to let go of things that I can't change. Let go of the things at work, at dance, or wherever I may find myself that are not conducive to me being the best that I can be.
I need to work on deciding for myself what things matter and what things don't. I tend to take everything to heart and, in doing so, I tend to beat myself up quite a bit. That's not something that I want to continue doing. I want to be able to sleep at night. I want to feel like I can build myself up and not just build up those people I associate with. I want to continue to be able to build those people up who matter in my life and I am starting to recognize that I can't do that if I'm either on the ground myself or if I find myself in a hole peaking out.
One of the goals I am going to set for myself to make a conscious effort to build myself up this week and if something goes wrong to just shake it off (as best I can) and not beat myself up over it. We'll see how I do in the next week with that and I will report back next week. I know that I am going to find myself in some high stress situations at work this week and I'm going to see how well I can "go with the flow" rather than feeling like I'm a salmon swimming upstream (maybe I just need to remind myself that I'm allergic to fish and that'll help...). =)
One of the things I think I need to go back to is something I attempted to work on a few years ago... I need to learn to be the kind of friend to myself that I am to other people. My personality is such that I am often a sounding board for others but when it comes to analyzing myself, I am definitely my own worst critic. I think I need to learn how to step back and look at things more objectively when it comes to myself.
A friend of mine has suggested that maybe something that might help me is to make a list of the attributes I like in myself and a separate list of traits I might want to change. From there, examine the list and decide if those things I would change are realistic or not. If they're not realistic, cross them off the list and move on from them. Just because they're not realistic, doesn't make me a failure because I can't achieve them, it actually could help keep me from feeling like a failure in advance. I'm not sure if it'll work or not but I guess it's something that might be worth a shot.
Something else I know that I need to work on is letting go... I need to let go of the parts of my past that haven't been favorable (even though they have brought me to the point in my life I currently find myself) and allow myself to move on. I also need to learn to let go of things that I can't change. Let go of the things at work, at dance, or wherever I may find myself that are not conducive to me being the best that I can be.
I need to work on deciding for myself what things matter and what things don't. I tend to take everything to heart and, in doing so, I tend to beat myself up quite a bit. That's not something that I want to continue doing. I want to be able to sleep at night. I want to feel like I can build myself up and not just build up those people I associate with. I want to continue to be able to build those people up who matter in my life and I am starting to recognize that I can't do that if I'm either on the ground myself or if I find myself in a hole peaking out.
One of the goals I am going to set for myself to make a conscious effort to build myself up this week and if something goes wrong to just shake it off (as best I can) and not beat myself up over it. We'll see how I do in the next week with that and I will report back next week. I know that I am going to find myself in some high stress situations at work this week and I'm going to see how well I can "go with the flow" rather than feeling like I'm a salmon swimming upstream (maybe I just need to remind myself that I'm allergic to fish and that'll help...). =)
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Do you know me at all?
I am finding it difficult to believe that I am entering year 4 of writing Gypsy's Quest... I sometimes go back and reread posts just so I can see that I really am making some sort of progress because there are times that I doubt it...
One of the things that was brought to my attention in the past week is the fact that we can change ourselves in a "nanosecond" and we don't have to have things stay as they always have. What led up to that was a conversation trying to get me to involve myself in a group social setting. I don't like being involved usually in a group setting nor do I tend to do well in social settings in general. My dance troupe was meeting/getting ready at my instructor's house and people were gathered in the kitchen eating/socializing and I was stretching in the dining room. I could see into the kitchen and was able to overhear the conversation going on. While I didn't choose to participate in said conversation, I was doing what I needed to do in order to prepare for the performance. My instructor came into her dining room and told me that she missed me being in the kitchen and asked why I wasn't in with the group...
Since she's known me (it will be 4 years this November), I've told her about me and social gatherings/situations. I just wanted to say, "Do you know me at all?" Instead, I explained to her again that I have never enjoyed/done well in social situations. She then told me about changing myself in a nanosecond and that I can make a conscious effort to change and that I should. For those of you in cyber land who truly know me, you know that my personality is one that tends to become stubborn when I'm told what I should/have to do. While I could see her point, that is part of myself that I am comfortable with. At this point, because it is something within myself that I'm actually comfortable with, I'm not sure that it's something I'm willing to change. Work on it? Sure. But I'm not ready to completely change that part of me.
I guess with everything else that's happened in my life in that last number of years (things that I have had control over and things that I've had no control over), I am more cautious with the aspects of my life that I willingly change; especially just because someone else wants me to. I am just trying to get more comfortable with who I am (even if who that is isn't something that has been entirely determined yet). I have come to terms with the fact I am a work in progress and I'm hoping some day that other's will come to terms with that as well.
Yesterday, my belly dance troupe danced at the county fair and I got a touch of a sunburn. I didn't think about it beforehand and my dance top is cut slightly differently than the swimsuit I wore while at Mom and Dad's. I have a touch of a sunburn on my chest but my back (including my lower back) is pretty red. At least it hasn't bugged me too much (oops... probably just jinxed myself by writing that) so far and hopefully it won't peel. The performance was fun (even with a few choreography snafus) and afterwards I had the best peach champagne gelato. Yum! =)
Well, since I have a long week ahead of me, I should probably sign off for tonight. I have tomorrow off of work (yay!), work then a dentist appointment on Tuesday, work and dance class on Wednesday, work and bell/vocal choir rehearsal on Thursday, work and then working late night on Friday and then dance class and a solo performance on Saturday (and I have yet to select the music for that performance). So I think I'm going to rest my knee and relax for the rest of the evening in order to gather my strength for the week.
One of the things that was brought to my attention in the past week is the fact that we can change ourselves in a "nanosecond" and we don't have to have things stay as they always have. What led up to that was a conversation trying to get me to involve myself in a group social setting. I don't like being involved usually in a group setting nor do I tend to do well in social settings in general. My dance troupe was meeting/getting ready at my instructor's house and people were gathered in the kitchen eating/socializing and I was stretching in the dining room. I could see into the kitchen and was able to overhear the conversation going on. While I didn't choose to participate in said conversation, I was doing what I needed to do in order to prepare for the performance. My instructor came into her dining room and told me that she missed me being in the kitchen and asked why I wasn't in with the group...
Since she's known me (it will be 4 years this November), I've told her about me and social gatherings/situations. I just wanted to say, "Do you know me at all?" Instead, I explained to her again that I have never enjoyed/done well in social situations. She then told me about changing myself in a nanosecond and that I can make a conscious effort to change and that I should. For those of you in cyber land who truly know me, you know that my personality is one that tends to become stubborn when I'm told what I should/have to do. While I could see her point, that is part of myself that I am comfortable with. At this point, because it is something within myself that I'm actually comfortable with, I'm not sure that it's something I'm willing to change. Work on it? Sure. But I'm not ready to completely change that part of me.
I guess with everything else that's happened in my life in that last number of years (things that I have had control over and things that I've had no control over), I am more cautious with the aspects of my life that I willingly change; especially just because someone else wants me to. I am just trying to get more comfortable with who I am (even if who that is isn't something that has been entirely determined yet). I have come to terms with the fact I am a work in progress and I'm hoping some day that other's will come to terms with that as well.
Yesterday, my belly dance troupe danced at the county fair and I got a touch of a sunburn. I didn't think about it beforehand and my dance top is cut slightly differently than the swimsuit I wore while at Mom and Dad's. I have a touch of a sunburn on my chest but my back (including my lower back) is pretty red. At least it hasn't bugged me too much (oops... probably just jinxed myself by writing that) so far and hopefully it won't peel. The performance was fun (even with a few choreography snafus) and afterwards I had the best peach champagne gelato. Yum! =)
Well, since I have a long week ahead of me, I should probably sign off for tonight. I have tomorrow off of work (yay!), work then a dentist appointment on Tuesday, work and dance class on Wednesday, work and bell/vocal choir rehearsal on Thursday, work and then working late night on Friday and then dance class and a solo performance on Saturday (and I have yet to select the music for that performance). So I think I'm going to rest my knee and relax for the rest of the evening in order to gather my strength for the week.
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