Why is it that lately I have felt as if I am wandering around in the light looking for a light switch in a room that doesn't have one? I have just felt lost and not even the road map I wrote about last week is helping. Today I got the opportunity to talk to my oldest nephew for a few moments and what he said just about broke my heart.... He told me to get in my car, drive really fast to beat the sun going down and the moon coming up so I could come and eat pizza with him. How do I explain to a 4 1/2 year old why Auntie can't just hop in the car and drive to see him when she lives 30+ hours by car away? I told him that I really wished that I could join him for pizza and to swim with him and have all of the fun that we did when I got to visit but I think he's still waiting for me to show up by car. Just knowing that I can't makes me sad.
Times like this just really makes me wish that I had someone I could curl up on the couch with and either have a good cry or just be held. I just feel like at times I am so busy taking care of others that my wants/needs/desires/emotions get pushed to the wayside in the hopes I will one day be able to take care of myself. Unfortunately, that day just doesn't seem to come. I know, I know. I keep saying that I need to find ways to put myself first but I just don't seem to find the opportunity to do so.
Maybe what I need to do is make a list of all of the "me" things that I enjoy doing and try and fit one thing off of the list every week or every other week. That may or may not be a long shot but it is an attempt to fit some time into my life for myself. And I'm not talking about alone time because there is plenty of time for me to do that... Those times where I'm alone are the times I tend to question if there is more that I could do to help others and I know that's not necessarily healthy for myself. I often push myself beyond my breaking point in order to accomplish what I feel people need from me. Once again I know in my head that I need to find some sort of a way to say "no" when people "need" me. I have to determine what is within the realm of my possibility without just automatically saying that I'll do what I can do help them out.
I know that one of things that I need to realize along this journey of mine is that I am worthy and have the divine right to say that I want/need to take time for myself. That is easier said than done for me and I know that is an internal struggle that I will have to work on for myself in order to make things happen. I have to be my own advocate and that leaves me in unfamiliar territory.
Well, since I seem to be wandering around lost along the back roads of my own mind tonight, I am going to bring this to a close before I keep writing in circles.... To all of those aunties out there, share a piece of pizza with your nephew for me, okay? Please....
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Road map
I was able to accomplish something this past week that I have never done before... I changed a burnt out tail light on my car! A co-worker pointed out that my light was burned out and my first response was I so don't have time to take it to the dealership anytime soon (with my last car, all lights had to be changed at the dealership and the closest dealership to me for my new car is an hour or so away). I checked with Mom who has the same car and she sent me a link to the owner's manual, showing me that I could change the bulb myself. Sure, it made me a little nervous doing it since I have never been that handy when it comes to vehicle maintenance but it did give me a real sense of accomplishment. Granted, this is not something that I want to have to put into practice all the time but I'm glad to have the knowledge in case I ever have to do it again. On the plus side, it was was nicer on my wallet to change the bulb myself rather than taking it to the dealership!
Along with that accomplishment this past week, I have been trying really hard to learn a new dimension of my quest. I am desperately trying to convince myself that I don't have to keep it together at all times or have all of the answers at all times. While this is something that I really do want to work on, I am starting to realize this is easier to do in theory than in actualization -- at least for me it is. There have been more times this week than I want to count where I've had to say, "I don't know/have the answer to that" and while it was an appropriate answer each time, it did leave me feeling a little uneasy. I guess I will just have to work on being okay with not knowing the answer at all times and with finding myself in unfamiliar territory.
I know that unfamiliar territory is all apart of being on a quest but I am a little tired of feeling lost all the time. While I realize I don't want someone to just give me a road map to find the path I'm "supposed" to take but an occasional road sign would be helpful.... Maybe one of the reasons while I feel so lost today is due to an unusual thing that happened this afternoon. Normally when I talk on the phone with my Mom we talk forever and the only reason we get off of the phone is because we realize how long we've actually been talking. Today, even though I had lots that I wanted to talk with her about, there were unusual for us lulls in the conversation and we just didn't have the same "flow" to the conversation as we usually do. I blame myself for that. Like I said, I felt that there was a lot that I wanted to talk with her about but when we were talking it just seemed so insignificant that I didn't bring it up. And that's odd for me.
Yes, there was a point in my life that any response to a conversation with Mom was "whatever" or silence but I don't want to go back to that type of relationship with her. I guess that's one of the things that scares me. So much has changed in my life and I don't want to back pedal in relationships with my family. They are my lifelines to sanity. For as crazy as we have a tendency to make one another at times, they are the ones that I turn to when I need to feel grounded and need a pick-me-up. Maybe that's what happens when you come from a close-knit family. Yes, we've had our ups and downs over the years but when I was there visiting, things were definitely on the upside. I guess those are the things that I need to remember when times are tough.
When I'm feeling low, I just need to remember the fun times I have had with my family. Today when I was running errands I bought a few small photo frames so I'll be able to have photos of my nephews with me at work. If nothing else, looking at pictures of the three of them always bring a smile to my face. Speaking of which, I think I'm going to sign off for this evening and look at some of the photos from my visit home with my family.
(Love to my family!! Thank you for being my road map when I need one.)
Along with that accomplishment this past week, I have been trying really hard to learn a new dimension of my quest. I am desperately trying to convince myself that I don't have to keep it together at all times or have all of the answers at all times. While this is something that I really do want to work on, I am starting to realize this is easier to do in theory than in actualization -- at least for me it is. There have been more times this week than I want to count where I've had to say, "I don't know/have the answer to that" and while it was an appropriate answer each time, it did leave me feeling a little uneasy. I guess I will just have to work on being okay with not knowing the answer at all times and with finding myself in unfamiliar territory.
I know that unfamiliar territory is all apart of being on a quest but I am a little tired of feeling lost all the time. While I realize I don't want someone to just give me a road map to find the path I'm "supposed" to take but an occasional road sign would be helpful.... Maybe one of the reasons while I feel so lost today is due to an unusual thing that happened this afternoon. Normally when I talk on the phone with my Mom we talk forever and the only reason we get off of the phone is because we realize how long we've actually been talking. Today, even though I had lots that I wanted to talk with her about, there were unusual for us lulls in the conversation and we just didn't have the same "flow" to the conversation as we usually do. I blame myself for that. Like I said, I felt that there was a lot that I wanted to talk with her about but when we were talking it just seemed so insignificant that I didn't bring it up. And that's odd for me.
Yes, there was a point in my life that any response to a conversation with Mom was "whatever" or silence but I don't want to go back to that type of relationship with her. I guess that's one of the things that scares me. So much has changed in my life and I don't want to back pedal in relationships with my family. They are my lifelines to sanity. For as crazy as we have a tendency to make one another at times, they are the ones that I turn to when I need to feel grounded and need a pick-me-up. Maybe that's what happens when you come from a close-knit family. Yes, we've had our ups and downs over the years but when I was there visiting, things were definitely on the upside. I guess those are the things that I need to remember when times are tough.
When I'm feeling low, I just need to remember the fun times I have had with my family. Today when I was running errands I bought a few small photo frames so I'll be able to have photos of my nephews with me at work. If nothing else, looking at pictures of the three of them always bring a smile to my face. Speaking of which, I think I'm going to sign off for this evening and look at some of the photos from my visit home with my family.
(Love to my family!! Thank you for being my road map when I need one.)
Sunday, August 12, 2012
"real world"
Well, it's back to the "real world" for me and I have had to hit the ground not only running but at breakneck speed. After a week of being back in the "real world" and in a new position at work, I am either ready for another vacation or to invest in a life vest so I don't completely drown. Yes, I am completely up for the new challenge my new work position provides for me but it is going to take some time to wrap my head around it all, get myself organized and make a new name for myself. It is going to also take some time to get used to not only my new role but also my new work hours and figure out how to get everything else accomplished in my day.
I had gotten used to getting off of work, having time to run errands if necessary and then go to dance class or choir or any other appointments I had scheduled during the week. With my change in hours my tight schedule is now even tighter since I have a very limited amount of time between work and class/choir leaving no time to get anything else accomplished. It didn't help that I had two after work meetings this past week and I have one this upcoming week as well. I know that I will just have to once again look at the hours I have in my work day as well as the hours I have outside of work and deem what goes where priority wise and just do the best I can every day. If I have to take it hour by hour for a bit until I get used to things, that's just what I'm going to have to do.
In the midst of trying to learn my new responsibilities/job description at work, learning new dance choreography (and getting ready for some upcoming performances), running errands and just "life" in general, I am going to work at setting some new goals for myself in other aspects of my life. I know that I've often said that I'm going to work at finding some sort of balance for my life and I haven't really done it. This is something that I know I need to remedy and remedy sooner rather than later. One of the problems with that is, I'm still not 100% sure how to go about finding/applying said balance to my life.
I guess one of the things that I need to do is approach this challenge as I approach using my sword during dance. I know that with my sword if I attempt to do too much too fast, the sword won't stay balanced and I could potentially hurt myself or someone else. The same goes with trying to find/apply balance to different aspects of my life -- if I attempt to do too much too fast, I could possibly hurt myself (in the physical, emotional or psychological sense) or there is that chance that I could hurt someone else (even if it's unintentional). And neither of those is something that I'd really like to have happen...
Something else that I really need to learn how to do along this quest is learn that it's okay to put myself first sometimes. For example, some time ago I did something to one of my knees. On my vacation is was feeling much better; almost to the point where I thought I had allowed it to heal completely. As soon as I get back, I begin to push myself again and my knee is right back to how it was - tender, sore and it occasionally gives out on me. So do I take time off? Of course not. I just have to keep physically pushing myself and wonder if it's ever going to completely heal without needing to one day think about seeing a doctor or having surgery. I don't want either of those things to have to happen.
If I don't want to cause permanent damage to my knee, I guess that is pretty perfect motivation to figure out a way to find that balance and make it happen. Well, before I head to bed tonight, maybe that will provide some down time for me in order to start brainstorming of how to bring this balance into the different aspects of my life. I think I'm also going to take the opportunity to use a heating pad or something on my knee. Fingers crossed that it'll help...
I had gotten used to getting off of work, having time to run errands if necessary and then go to dance class or choir or any other appointments I had scheduled during the week. With my change in hours my tight schedule is now even tighter since I have a very limited amount of time between work and class/choir leaving no time to get anything else accomplished. It didn't help that I had two after work meetings this past week and I have one this upcoming week as well. I know that I will just have to once again look at the hours I have in my work day as well as the hours I have outside of work and deem what goes where priority wise and just do the best I can every day. If I have to take it hour by hour for a bit until I get used to things, that's just what I'm going to have to do.
In the midst of trying to learn my new responsibilities/job description at work, learning new dance choreography (and getting ready for some upcoming performances), running errands and just "life" in general, I am going to work at setting some new goals for myself in other aspects of my life. I know that I've often said that I'm going to work at finding some sort of balance for my life and I haven't really done it. This is something that I know I need to remedy and remedy sooner rather than later. One of the problems with that is, I'm still not 100% sure how to go about finding/applying said balance to my life.
I guess one of the things that I need to do is approach this challenge as I approach using my sword during dance. I know that with my sword if I attempt to do too much too fast, the sword won't stay balanced and I could potentially hurt myself or someone else. The same goes with trying to find/apply balance to different aspects of my life -- if I attempt to do too much too fast, I could possibly hurt myself (in the physical, emotional or psychological sense) or there is that chance that I could hurt someone else (even if it's unintentional). And neither of those is something that I'd really like to have happen...
Something else that I really need to learn how to do along this quest is learn that it's okay to put myself first sometimes. For example, some time ago I did something to one of my knees. On my vacation is was feeling much better; almost to the point where I thought I had allowed it to heal completely. As soon as I get back, I begin to push myself again and my knee is right back to how it was - tender, sore and it occasionally gives out on me. So do I take time off? Of course not. I just have to keep physically pushing myself and wonder if it's ever going to completely heal without needing to one day think about seeing a doctor or having surgery. I don't want either of those things to have to happen.
If I don't want to cause permanent damage to my knee, I guess that is pretty perfect motivation to figure out a way to find that balance and make it happen. Well, before I head to bed tonight, maybe that will provide some down time for me in order to start brainstorming of how to bring this balance into the different aspects of my life. I think I'm also going to take the opportunity to use a heating pad or something on my knee. Fingers crossed that it'll help...
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Familiar
I am unfortunately finding myself in familiar territory and that is not necessarily a good thing... I once again find myself writing from an airport terminal (it is a different airport than from where i have written before) in the middle of the night and am trying to keep myself awake. There are a few things currently going on around me to help in that assignment of staying up -- there is a maintenance man using a what appears to be a floor buffer on the carpet nearby, another maintenance man pretty much doing donuts with the big zamboni looking floor cleaner and it sounds like two kids screaming a couple of gates from where I'm sitting. I was SUPPOSED to be at home in bed by now but severe weather problems delayed my first flight and it's been nothing but delays since. Currently I have one plane left to catch but it will be approximately 6 hours from now. With that being the case, I will have to try and stay awake most of the day (maybe allow myself a brief nap) so I can go to bed at a decent time since I will have to be at work very early tomorrow morning with a full day ahead of me. And it also doesn't help that my sunburn has been peeling and from traveling, my legs REALLY itch!
=(
I knew before I went on vacation that when I got back to work I would be changing age groups of the children I've been working with and moving into a new program setting. What I have found out from reading work emails, tomorrow will be a very long day with an after hours meeting, followed by an hour of dance class (then meeting will have me miss my first dance class and actually cause me to be late to the second hour). I also have an after hours meeting scheduled for Tuesday as well. I know that sometimes after a vacation it is better to hit the ground running and get back into some sense of normalcy but I would have appreciated at least a little bit of time to reflect on having a vacation and not going so crazy that it feels as if I didn't have one at all.... Sigh.... No, Dad, being a grown up is NOT fun in this case. =(
Having all of these flight issues today has not helped my disposition when I am one who absolutely HATES to say good-bye at the end of a visit. I was always the kid who willingly got in the car before I absolutely had to in order to drive home the 12-14 hours it would take to head home from visiting family because I didn't want to have to say good-bye. That feeling has never gone away and it hasn't gotten any easier. It probably also doesn't help that my good-byes were slightly prolonged this trip too. I said good-bye to my brother-in-law the other day, my sister and her two sons two days ago, one of my brothers early yesterday afternoon, my other brother and his wife and son later in the afternoon and then my parents at the airport. Then came the flight issues and having to call the generous person who has been watching my dogs to see if she could take care of them this morning since I wouldn't be making it home until later than anticipated. I can definitely say that it has been an emotionally and physically exhausting day yesterday/this evening/and I have a feeling tomorrow as well.
One of the things that I have always liked when traveling (but makes it hard for me as well) is the smells that you bring with you. Ever notice how each place you visit has a distinctive smell? Whether it be the smell of however many people have stayed in the hotel room you're in, or if your visiting family the smells are different. When you open your suitcase when you finally get home, those smells linger on your clothes (either they do for everyone or I'm just weird like that). I always seem to notice that when I've been with my parents, when I get home, my clothes still smell like their house and for those couple of days, I still have that connection to "home". Okay, I'll admit it, maybe that makes me some sort of sentimental type, and when other times I might protest to that, in this case, I'll own it. For as crazy as family can make us all at times, there are literally times where I ache for my family since I can't be near them all the time. I am thankful for photos I have of my visit but I wish it didn't have to end. I know that all good things do eventually have to end but I guess I just wish that it didn't have to be so hard... =(
Maybe one of the reasons (other than my usual neurotic ones) saying good-bye was difficult this time is my Dad had surgery while I was there. While he's okay and it was an relatively minor one (although complicated), it was difficult for me to see him that way. Yes, he's had surgeries before and has another one scheduled for a couple of weeks from now, but it was hard for me. I was "nurse" as best as I could be when Mom wasn't there but there wasn't much that I could do for him other than to try my best to keep their dogs calm/quiet (which is not always an easy task). I guess there I just wish I could've done more for you, Dad and I wish that I could be there for you (and Mom) when you have your next surgery (even though you have the "best" doctor).
Okay my readers, I think the time has come for me to switch my tactics of staying awake and watching a movie or something since the music in the airport has switched from show tunes that I could hum along to (since they are just done on piano or orchestra) to some weird jazz music. For anyone stuck in the airport or traveling, I wish you safe travels and that you get to your destination (mostly) on time! =)
=(
I knew before I went on vacation that when I got back to work I would be changing age groups of the children I've been working with and moving into a new program setting. What I have found out from reading work emails, tomorrow will be a very long day with an after hours meeting, followed by an hour of dance class (then meeting will have me miss my first dance class and actually cause me to be late to the second hour). I also have an after hours meeting scheduled for Tuesday as well. I know that sometimes after a vacation it is better to hit the ground running and get back into some sense of normalcy but I would have appreciated at least a little bit of time to reflect on having a vacation and not going so crazy that it feels as if I didn't have one at all.... Sigh.... No, Dad, being a grown up is NOT fun in this case. =(
Having all of these flight issues today has not helped my disposition when I am one who absolutely HATES to say good-bye at the end of a visit. I was always the kid who willingly got in the car before I absolutely had to in order to drive home the 12-14 hours it would take to head home from visiting family because I didn't want to have to say good-bye. That feeling has never gone away and it hasn't gotten any easier. It probably also doesn't help that my good-byes were slightly prolonged this trip too. I said good-bye to my brother-in-law the other day, my sister and her two sons two days ago, one of my brothers early yesterday afternoon, my other brother and his wife and son later in the afternoon and then my parents at the airport. Then came the flight issues and having to call the generous person who has been watching my dogs to see if she could take care of them this morning since I wouldn't be making it home until later than anticipated. I can definitely say that it has been an emotionally and physically exhausting day yesterday/this evening/and I have a feeling tomorrow as well.
One of the things that I have always liked when traveling (but makes it hard for me as well) is the smells that you bring with you. Ever notice how each place you visit has a distinctive smell? Whether it be the smell of however many people have stayed in the hotel room you're in, or if your visiting family the smells are different. When you open your suitcase when you finally get home, those smells linger on your clothes (either they do for everyone or I'm just weird like that). I always seem to notice that when I've been with my parents, when I get home, my clothes still smell like their house and for those couple of days, I still have that connection to "home". Okay, I'll admit it, maybe that makes me some sort of sentimental type, and when other times I might protest to that, in this case, I'll own it. For as crazy as family can make us all at times, there are literally times where I ache for my family since I can't be near them all the time. I am thankful for photos I have of my visit but I wish it didn't have to end. I know that all good things do eventually have to end but I guess I just wish that it didn't have to be so hard... =(
Maybe one of the reasons (other than my usual neurotic ones) saying good-bye was difficult this time is my Dad had surgery while I was there. While he's okay and it was an relatively minor one (although complicated), it was difficult for me to see him that way. Yes, he's had surgeries before and has another one scheduled for a couple of weeks from now, but it was hard for me. I was "nurse" as best as I could be when Mom wasn't there but there wasn't much that I could do for him other than to try my best to keep their dogs calm/quiet (which is not always an easy task). I guess there I just wish I could've done more for you, Dad and I wish that I could be there for you (and Mom) when you have your next surgery (even though you have the "best" doctor).
Okay my readers, I think the time has come for me to switch my tactics of staying awake and watching a movie or something since the music in the airport has switched from show tunes that I could hum along to (since they are just done on piano or orchestra) to some weird jazz music. For anyone stuck in the airport or traveling, I wish you safe travels and that you get to your destination (mostly) on time! =)
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