Sick Day

Well, I did it. I took a day off of work due to being sick. I had an upset stomach on Thursday and went home about two hours early. That evening I wasn't feeling any better and I called out sick to work for Friday (I called my boss between 9:30 - 10:00 PM since I have to be at work at 6:30ish in the morning). I ended up going into work on Friday morning but before I could clock in, I was sent home for the day. I came home, freaked the dogs out, changed back into my pj's and slept until about noon (I never sleep that late - even on the weekends). I then got up, played with the dogs a little bit and then curled up with them on the couch and slept some more. About 2:30-3:00 or so when I woke up from my nap, I was starting to feel human again. I think part of why I crashed (other than not feeling well) is I have been fighting some insomnia at night.

I am starting to feel like myself (and I actually made it to dance class yesterday and stayed late at the studio with one of my gal pals to work on some choreography for an extra hour or so) and part of me is ready to go into work in the AM to see what kinds of things I missed at the end of last week.

For some people, taking a day off of work when they're sick is a natural thing. But, something you need to know about me is, I have worked in the same place for almost four years now and have only called out of work twice in that time. I called out the day after the wasband walked out on me (obviously) and called in the day after I received divorce papers (again, obviously). Yes, there have been other times that I should have called in sick to work but part of me always questions who's going to get certain things done if I'm not there? I know, I know. Everyone at any job is replaceable but I guess I just take my job seriously and feel bad if I'm not there to accomplish those things that are my responsibility. Oh, well. I mean, I didn't get any phone calls/messages telling me that work vanished in my absence but still... I guess I'll just wait and see what tomorrow holds.

I know that I have had it pointed out to me more than once but I had it pointed out to me again - if I don't take care of me or look out for me, who's going to? I have to learn the lesson I know that others around me already know - if I chose not to take care of myself when I get sick and I keep pushing myself to give 100% percent, I'm going to stay sick even longer and who wants that? Maybe part of the reason why I find it so difficult to take time off from work when I'm sick is because I then have to take care of myself, since my dogs sure aren't going to take care of me! (Actually the woman from upstairs called me on Friday afternoon to see if I was okay or if I needed anything since she saw my car in the driveway, I wasn't at choir Thursday night and she knows that I don't tend to call in sick to work. I thought it was very sweet of her to check in on me and to offer to pick something up for me if I needed her to.)

Well, since I'm not really sure what tomorrow holds for me and I have a busy week overall (Monday and Wednesday = 2 hour dance class each night; Tuesday = 2 hour work meeting; Thursday = choir practice for 1 hour this week; Friday = FREE), I should probably sign off for tonight and maybe sew a little before heading to bed. I hope that I didn't sleep too much already this weekend and I'm able to sleep tonight!

Roller coaster

It has been a roller coaster of a week and I think I'm still reeling from it... I don't know how/why I keep allowing myself to over-stress and over-think about things that are out of my control but I seem to do so on a regular basis. One of these days I hope that I will be able to find a way to either stop doing so or to turn my brain off so I can sleep at night (since there are nights I only seem to average between 5 maybe 6 hours of sleep).

I don't know why I have a tendency to internalize things that are beyond the realm of my control, but I do. Granted there was a span of time when I was in my early teens that I was selfish and I couldn't see beyond myself or my selfishness; but after that stage, I feel like I've done a complete 180. Yes, last week I took a day for myself and spent it on the couch reading a book. Since then, however, I have felt guilty about doing so even though I can't take it back.

Guilt is definitely a weird emotion; especially in situations such as these. I can't go back in time and change the fact that I took a day off from my life that oftentimes makes me feel over-extended and I'm going to snap like a rubber band one of these days so why feel guilty about it? There are a lot of things that I honestly don't mind doing but I guess I just wish I didn't feel like I had to do some of the things I do...

This feeling of having to do certain things or complete certain tasks at times just makes me want to rebel. Not rebel in the sense of listening to depressing music, dressing in black and chains, or wearing dark makeup but rebel in the sense of just saying "no" (even if that's a word I still haven't learned to say on a regular basis to things that I don't want to do). I guess I just need to work, once again, of finding a balance to things rather than feeling like I'm out of control. There are times where aspects of my life can be compared to the feeling of being on a roller coaster when you're sitting at the top of that first big hill about to go over the edge -- I hate that feeling.... =(

Even though I haven't been to an amusement park or on a roller coaster for several years now, I have always hated that feeling right before going over the edge of that first hill. I don't know, maybe where some people get a rush of the feeling of falling over the edge, it scares me. There have been times where I've been on a roller coaster and it has literally taken my breath away going over that first hill. Maybe part of the reason I don't like the feeling of that first hill is it takes me to a place in my life when I have been completely and utterly felt out of control. I think that might need to be something I need to explore further but not tonight - - I think I need to head to bed for the night and hope that sleep does not elude me tonight. Good night.

Day off

Today I did something I don't normally do - I gave myself permission to have a do nothing day. On Thursday, I felt myself coming down with laryngitis, so I went to handbell choir rehearsal but opted out of staying for vocal choir. Today when I woke up, I still felt like there was a frog in my throat and it was a touch sore. So, I sent some e-mails to people informing them that I wouldn't be attending church this morning because I didn't think I'd be able to sing. Instead, I pulled out a large blanket, snuggled with the doggies on the couch and I read a book and dozed. Needless to say, after feeling as if I've been going a million miles an hour, it was nice to be able to slow down and relax. I need to attempt to find a way to do it more often...

I think if I don't find a way to give myself permission to take days to slow down, I'm going to continue to get/stay sick and that's not something that I really want to have to face. I really dislike being sick (if you can't tell) and I really, really dislike going to the doctor if I do get sick enough. When I was sick for so long after the Holidays I was actually to the point of considering going to the doctor and then, thankfully, I started to feel better so I never ended up going. That probably wasn't my best idea in the world because I most likely would have felt better sooner if I would have gone. Oh, well. It's too late now since I am feeling better. The only thing I'm really dealing with now is allergies. Because the weather has been so odd here lately, the trees/plants are already in bloom thinking it's spring and the pollen is out of control. So I get to deal with a plugged up nose and sneezing early this year I guess...

I know that I've written about this before but I don't necessarily understand why I feel obligated to go above and beyond for those around me yet I don't look out for myself in the same fashion. People who are close to me have been trying to convince me for years now that I need to look out/take care of myself and make myself a priority at times. Honestly I am starting to see the merit in doing so. I am also starting to see, more and more, the merit of standing up for myself occasionally. Yes, once again, I know that I've written about all of this before and I really am trying. Maybe, one of these days, I will take my own advice...

At least I do have a couple of things to look forward to coming up. I went fabric shopping with a friend yesterday for a new costume I have convinced Mom to work on for me. She made me a lime green costume that we wear a lot for performances and she's going to create another one for me since we wear it so much. This one is going to be made out of fabric in shades of gold and I think it's going to turn out absolutely fabulous! I have the fabric in a box and am planning on taking it to the post office to mail it off tomorrow. I love my Mom! =D

I also am looking forward to having an extra day off next weekend and am hoping to be able to use it in order to have some "me" time but I guess we'll just have to see what the weekend as a whole has in store. One of the things I need to work on is one of the two sewing projects I have to work on. Since I haven't really had a chance to work on it at all this week, I should probably sign off so I can at least get some stitching done before turning in for the night. Take care for another week, dear readers.

Touch

I had an odd experience the other night when it was time to get ready for bed... I turned off the lights, got under the covers, and I don't know if it was how I was laying or what, but I could have sworn someone was holding my hand. That feeling, of someone holding my hand, brought tears to my eyes and I'm pretty sure I cried myself to sleep that night. Some people I'm sure would have been bothered by that feeling of their hand being held even though there was no one there but it just made me sad. Sure, kids at work will hold my hand on a regular basis but it's been years since anyone has held my hand other than that.

After that incident, I've been thinking about how complex just a simple touch can actually be. Think about it. When babies need to be in the NICU, they encourage people (parents and the hospital staff) to touch them. People in comas are encouraged to be talked to and touched. When people are sick/sad/upset, we tend to place our hands on them to let them know we are there for them. There are even those who pay big money for someone to lay healing hands on them by way of massages. So, touch is an important aspect of being a healthy person in my opinion.

There is also the aspect of being touched that goes beyond the physical. There are moments/people that touch our lives and our hearts and we are never the same after those events. Granted, those events can touch us in a positive or a negative way but that's what price you pay for things that matter. If nothing ever mattered (positively or negatively), we wouldn't be human, we would be like robots. I'll admit, there have been times (especially after the wasband left and during/after the divorce proceedings) that I have wished I were a robot just so I wouldn't hurt anymore. But I've realized since then that I'm glad that things have hurt (I know, I can't believe I'm admitting that either....) because those times have helped me to see who I truly am.

Sure, there are times where I still question who I'm becoming but things are starting to come more into focus; especially since I'm realizing that I don't have to live life as separate aspects of me. I don't have to have the Jeckel/Hyde me where I'm the teacher and belly dancer and... I can be the teacher who also belly dances and that's okay. I don't have to hide those aspects of myself away in which I'm passionate about. If I'm that passionate about it, I should show it and not hide it away.

I am slowly coming to terms with not hiding/locking myself away at all times. As you've read in the past, I often compartmentalize myself depending on who I'm around or the situation that I find myself in. I come in last place in comparison to helping/supporting everyone else and I think I'm going to really make an effort to analyze the why so I can change that. I know, I know. I've said versions of that in the past and I still end up coming full circle and continue to do what I've been doing (probably because it's easier/less painful than attempting to change). This time, I do want to try and figure out why I do these things so I can, if nothing else, help myself.

Well, I think it's come that time again where I should sign off for tonight. Maybe do a little sewing or pet my dogs to relax and prepare myself for the upcoming busy week ahead. I hope you (as well as me) can find time to do something for you this week... =)