Treading water....

There has been quite a bit that has happened lately that has left me feeling like I'm just treading water; trying to stay afloat. In the process of me desperately trying to keep my head above water, I feel like there are those around me who are trying to use me to keep themselves afloat - drowning me in the process... That's not a good feeling.

I know that I can't control how those around me act/think/behave anything like that. I also know that I can control how I act/think/behave but there are times where I find it exhausting. There are those around me who (in my opinion) expect me to behave in a certain fashion and I'm disappointing them if I don't. I don't try to go into situations where I have a chip on my shoulder, being on guard at all times, but I also don't want to go into situations unprepared. Maybe I just need to do a better job at hiding/burying said chip before it gets me into any sort of trouble...

After thinking about things, maybe one of the reasons I have this "chip" or whatever it is on my shoulder is my version of being covered in porcupine quills. Rather than just having a wall around my heart, I have quills around my entire body so that I can chose to lower them if and when I feel comfortable doing so. One of the downsides to that is, I have held people at arms length for so long that I'm not sure what it will take to let someone get close to me again...

As I have had a couple of people point out to me lately, I do need to find a way to figure out how to take care of myself sometimes as I try to take care of those around me. I've written about before how I tend to put myself at the bottom of my list of people to take care of (and that is something I am truly working on remedying). I guess one of the things that I've come to realize is if I don't begin to take care of myself, I'm not going to be able to help anyone else out either. Doing this is something that I have struggled with for years but I am making it a point to make it a personal goal of mine in the upcoming year.

Trying to solve all of the problems of everyone else is just making me stretch myself so thin that I'm tired a lot of the time and I've been physically sick more in the last year than I ever have been before. I'm tired of being sick and I'm sick of being tired. Once again, I need to find an outlet that is just for me - even if it's taking advantage of a nice day and taking an hour to walk away from things like I feel like I have to do and take a walk on the beach.

Granted, I don't want to stop helping those around me but I don't want to end up with an ulcer or wrinkles/gray hair either (at least no more wrinkles or gray hair than I currently have). Even though up until now it's been easier for me to put myself last, I realize that for now, I might have to be a little bit selfish and take care of myself. That may mean saying "no" every once and awhile and not being so willing to jump in and say "yes" all the time. I know that may be easier said than done but I think I need to work on it (and push myself to really work on it) otherwise I am going to go from treading water to drowning. I don't want to drown....

Rain, rain, go away...

It's been raining here for several days straight and it has made for some long and dreary days. I'll take the snow any day but I'm one who really doesn't like the rain (maybe I was a cat in a former life or something). It probably doesn't help matters that neither one of my dogs like to go outside when it's raining and I have had to clean up a couple of indoor messes because they didn't want to go potty in the rain. I know that the rain is necessary to help things grow and to wash away some of the things that cause me to sneeze (I am allergic to pollen) but, on the other hand, the rain causes other things that make me sneeze - I am allergic to mold as well. Maybe my aversion to rain has to do with being in one too many rainstorms or it has to do with the rain always seems to be associated with feeling sad... Hmmm..... maybe what I just need to have happen is getting caught in the "perfect" rain like in 'Singing in the Rain' or in those romantic movies where you get caught in the rainstorm when you're on a picnic with the one you love... I guess in order for that to happen though, I would need to go on a date or two....

I am truly beginning to think/feel that if I am ever going to find someone, I need to continue to work on myself and my self-confidence issues. I am still trying to figure out how I can be so confident when I'm in front of a group dancing (while balancing a sword!) but I'm so not confident when it comes to other aspects of my life. Unfortunately I can't go around with my sword all of the time so I'm going to have to try and figure out how to take that feeling with me in my other day to day activities. If anyone has any ideas in how to do that, I'm all ears!

I know that at some point I am going to have learn to let things go; especially things that I can't change. This is something that I definitely don't know how to do. I have people tell me often that I need to learn how to let go of things before they eat me up inside but that is a skill that I haven't learned. I tend to internalize everything and take things to heart (even things that may seem insignificant). For as long as I can remember, I have internalized things. Because of this fact, it does cause me to toss and turn nights. One of these days I will find a way to de-stress before I go to bed - maybe then I'll get a full night's sleep.

As I've been thinking about it, I think maybe one of the things I need to consciously do each evening before going to bed is something for me. Whether it be writing, reading a book just for enjoyment, cross-stitching I need to find someway to relax in order to sleep at night. Because I haven't been sleeping overly well and because of stress at work, I have a feeling those are a couple of reasons why it's taken so long for me to get over this cold that I caught back around the Holidays. Thankfully I am starting to feel better but I'm still not 100% yet.

I was at least over my cold enough to perform last night. I was invited to dance at a fundraising event last night and we raised $244 dollars for a local charity. Myself and four other troupe members opened the show with one of our choreographies (another gal and myself lead the dance because our instructor opted to watch). Near the end of the first set, I danced my sword solo (and, from the crowd response, I was one of the biggest hits of the entire show). To open the second set, my instructor, me, and one other troupe member danced another troupe choreography. A great time was had by all! I had a lot of fun last night and am very glad that I took a nap yesterday afternoon (even if it was just a short one). =)

On that note, since I didn't get a nap today (I was busy doing dishes, laundry and vacuuming), I should probably turn off the computer and relax before going to bed. Gotta get up early for work in the AM. Hopefully the rain will be done soon.... Nighty night, all!

"How did you end up here?"

I have been asked this question several times over the last week or so. For whatever reason, this week several people have found out that I didn't grow up in this area and the question, "How did you end up HERE?" came up as it usually does... Well, I answered said question with the story of how I ended up here (the whole moving to the area with the wasband, him choosing to divorce me here and I stayed in the area for my job and then dancing) and I actually had one person tell me, "that kind of stuff actually happens in real life and not just in the movies?" Honestly if I had to fashion my life after a movie, I probably would have picked a different one. Oh, well... I am making the best of my situation and actually trying to thrive in spite of it all.

I discovered another aspect of my life that the same question (just in a different format) applies to - how did I end up as a 31 year old who doesn't really know how to cook? It's not that I don't have the capability to cook (as my Grandma tells me, "If you can read, you can cook"); it's mostly that I've never really had the desire to cook. Today I feel pretty accomplished - I made myself vanilla flavored French toast. Yum!! Not to toot my own horn but it was AMAZING! I guess I will just have to be careful with my new found interest in cooking because I definitely don't want to gain my weight back.....

I do think that starting to cook for myself is going to help boost my confidence some and it might also help some with my weight loss because if I cook for myself I won't eat as many prepackaged meals or eat out because they're "easier" meals. Granted, cooking for one can be a challenge from what I have discovered when I've attempted to cook in the past because I, for one, don't like to eat the same thing day after day. So, I guess I will have to start finding recipes that I do like and then finding ways to cut the ingredients so I don't make as much (since most recipes are for 4 or more servings and I don't need to make that much for myself).

Something else that I know will help my eating habits is attempting, once again, to remove some of the stress from my life. I know that I have written about it before and haven't really found ways in which to reduce said stress but I want to make a more conscious effort to do so. I know that there are some stressors that I can't necessarily control but I can work on not always having them take over my brain (especially when it comes time to sleep). I think one of these days someone needs to invent a device that allows you to turn off the thoughts running through your head so you can sleep at night. That would definitely be something I would invest in if invented....

I am also going to attempt to find time to introduce into my schedule that I want to do again. I seem to spend so much time doing things that I feel I have to do for other people that I've put aside things that I've wanted to work on. I have two blankets that I've wanted to cross-stitch (something I enjoy doing) and I haven't worked on either of them for awhile now. Yesterday I spent several hours working on one of them and that felt really good. Since I have tomorrow off of work, I think I am going to spend more time working on it just for some "me" time.

Actually, I think I'm going to turn off the computer for tonight and work on some stitching and to see where I end up... Hopefully it's in a good place... =)

Confidence

Over the next several weeks/months, I am going to make a conscious effort to work on building my confidence. The past two weekends I have had two pretty big dance solo opportunities and they shook my confidence in different aspects. My performance on New Year's Eve, I was nervous and sick going into the performance and it wasn't my best solo in my opinion (and I am definitely, 100% my own worst critic). I had trouble with my costume change and opted not to wear my belt because I was out of time (and it makes me really dislike the pictures from my solo) and my balance was off since I was sick. Since I'm still not 100% better and I had a solo last night it shook my confidence some.

Last night, I had the opportunity to participate in a show titled, "Rising Stars of Belly Dance." The person who was in charge of the show contacted my instructor to see who from her studio would fall into that category and I was one out of 3 dancers who were selected. While I was honored it also made me question if I would be able to hold my own with some of the other dancers who I knew would be performing. I took care in working with my music, selecting my costume/accessories and took extra time in putting on my makeup. Needless to say, I looked the part and was able to camouflage my nerves. I was the second dancer to perform after the intermission. I had coughing "fits" during the first half of the show and right before my solo so that added to my nervousness because I didn't want to get up on stage and cough through my performance. However, as my introduction was read and my music started, I took a deep breath and transformed into "Gypsy" the performer. Honestly, it was one of the best solos I have performed in my two years of dancing.

I was confident, I commanded the crowd, my sword did (almost) exactly what I wanted it to (it slipped once or twice - but I was able to adjust it) and I didn't cough once! [Granted after I got off stage, I, of course, went into coughing spasms....] I was a fun opportunity to go out, watch other performers and realize that what types of performances used to impress me, don't necessarily anymore. I think part of that has to do since I have grown as a dancer, I know what it takes to put a performance together and I am able to catch subtle nuances that I missed before (since I didn't know to even look for them).

I received several compliments of my performance from accomplished dancers that I respect. One of the ones that touched me dearly came from my own instructor - on our way home (the performance was about an hour away and her husband drove us all in their van), my instructor told me that when I'm on stage it doesn't look like I've only been dancing for just over two years but I dance like I've been dancing for more than 20 and she should know (my instructor has been belly dancing for 41 years). A good dance friend of mine was at last night's performance too and she told me that I truly "come alive" when I'm soloing.

I guess what I need to do is remember the feeling from performing last night, channel it and carry it over into upcoming performances as well as other aspects of my life. I know that it's not going to be easy but nothing worth doing ever is easy...

I know that one of the aspects of my life that I need to bring some more confidence into (other than dancing) is at work. Since I got a slight promotion this past summer, there are some people that still treat me like I am not equal to them - that I am in a position below them when, in fact, I am in a position above them. Yes, that does sometimes happen when people have worked somewhere longer than you, yet you are the one who got the promotion but it is something that does make me just want to say, "I'm sorry" and do whatever they'd like me to do (even if I'm telling them they need to do the opposite). I guess this is just one more growth opportunity for me... I'll let you know how that all plays out... =)

New year... new me?

Well, I don't know about you out there, but 2011 was filled with ups/downs/challenges. I feel like in many situations that I was confronted with that I learned something and other situations just left me feeling even more confused. That's okay. I may not have appreciated the situation at the time but I'm sure, at some point, I will learn a valuable lesson from having that experience and I will be a better person in spite of it all. Or something like that... =)

One of the lessons that I learned is that every so often, I do need to put myself first. I don't want to become overly narcissistic but I know that if I don't at least occasionally put myself first that no one else will. I know that it may be a bit of a challenge for me but it is something that I need to work on. Over the last year, I have come to the conclusion that I often push myself past my limits (physical and emotional limits) in order to make the lives of others easier. However, in doing so, I have made myself more tired/sick than I think I have in my life.

I am currently sick now and rather than not pushing myself, last night we had our annual New Year's Eve performance. In this performance, we danced down the street and then we had three, 30-minute shows - - out of which I danced all but one number. Luckily people told me that while I was performing they couldn't tell that I was sick but it has all caught up to me today. I first got this horrendous head cold thing on my trip to see family (airplanes are definite Petri-dishes) and it hasn't really gotten any better. I have tried different combinations of medications (since I have nasal/sinus pressure, plugged ears and a cough) but none of the medication has truly helped. Maybe I need to keep trying as well as get more sleep (even though today I didn't wake up until about 10:30 this morning and I took a short nap this afternoon).

Another thing that I am going to work on this upcoming year is saying, "no." Saying no to things I don't have time to add to my already busy days; saying no to things I don't want to do; saying no to things that it isn't my responsibility to undertake, saying no to things that push me too far beyond my limit (whether it's mental/physical/emotional)... For me, saying "no" to these types of things has always been more of a theory than a reality but I want to work on changing that. I don't want to be the person that says "no" all the time but I also don't want to say "yes" to things all the time either. While it can be nice at times to be needed but there are times it is exhausting as well....

Something else that I want to work on in this New Year is no longer being a "slave" to my past. As someone pointed out to me last night, the years past are gone and we can no longer change them. All we have is now and we might as well make the most of the time that we do have. That really struck a chord with me and it's something I am going to strive towards this year. I don't want to continue to necessarily focus on those things in my past that are holding me back but rather look towards what I can do to make myself move on from this point forward. We'll see how I do in the coming year.

Well, since I just realized what time it is, I should probably sign off for tonight and see how the first week in 2012 goes. Happy New Year, dear readers! Thanks for joining me in what adventures I encounter... =)