Visit

I have decided that sitting in front of the computer in the apartment of my living room is very different from sitting in front of the computer at my parent's house...  My last post just seemed to come naturally and I found the page being filled before I knew it.  Today, I have been sitting in front of the computer for quite some time and have been struggling to know how/where to start.  Obviously I'm back to my apartment and the travel gods blessed me with smooth travels again on the trip back.  I had no issues with either of the two flights and made it back here with no issues (I even rode in a pretty fancy taxi from the airport to my apartment).  Even though the travel back was uneventful, I am finding it more difficult to say "see you next time" to each of my family members.  While I know there will be a next time, I think part of what makes it difficult is because I don't know when it'll be...

I had so much fun visiting with everyone and I didn't want to necessarily come back to my "other" life. Yes, there are times where when visiting family it takes me back to feeling like a kid in my parent's house but that's something that I'm going to have to learn how to get over (as my parent's both told me this trip).  It's nice to know after talking to them that it's not only me that feels that way but they have also felt that way when they go back to visit their parents.  Maybe part of that feeling comes from stepping into their house feels like "home" and even after all of the "personal touches" Mom helped me place around my apartment, it still doesn't feel like home to me.  When I arrived back at my apartment after this trip, I was struck by how quiet things are here.  Even my dogs were calm when I came back which was more than a little creepy for them...  =)

I have been attempting to get myself settled back in after my trip but it has been a little difficult.  Dogs woke me up pretty early yesterday and then we had a very lazy morning on the couch.  About 12:30 or so I realized that I should probably think about getting in the shower, dressed and head to the grocery store to pick some things up since I emptied the fridge before I went on my trip.  After I got back and put the groceries away, I had a chance to get a bite to eat before I had to get ready for a dance gig.  Yes, the day after I got back (very late) from my trip, I had a dance gig.  Luckily it was only a 10 minute gig however, even for the shortest of gigs, it takes me almost an hour to get my make up done and get ready.  Even though I initially didn't want to attend the gig because of exhaustion, I enjoyed dancing as usual and we were very well received by the crowd.  Surprisingly, as we left the gig, we were handed an envelope (we got paid for this gig; which we didn't know about = good surprise!!) and we each were given a bottle of wine.  I never expect to get paid for a dance gig but it is always nice when it happens (especially, when on top of it, it's an amount that is more than I've personally received for any dance gig!).

Today I had to get up for a dance rehearsal for a performance tomorrow night.  When I got home, the reality set in that in just a couple of days, I have to get back into my "usual routine."  I know in my head that's the reality of the situation but my heart is telling me that I'm not quite ready to do so yet.  My head is telling me that if I get back into that routine of the day to day business it would probably help with this feeling of loneliness I've been dealing with.  I've been back for about two days now and I am missing the hustle and bustle of people coming and going from my parent's house (even though I'm sure on one hand they are reveling in the fact that their house is quieter again).  I'm missing my parents.  I'm missing my brothers, my sister, my sister-in-law and my brother-in-law.  I'm missing my nephews.  I'm even missing my Mom and Dad's silly, crazy dogs.  Granted, it helps to look at the photos that were taken while I was there but I still miss being around my family.

Since it's been an emotional, exhausting couple of days, I think I'm going to sign off for tonight.  I think I'm going to take a walk down memory lane and look at some photos, think about all of the fun I had on my trip, reflect on the past year and look towards the possibilities of the year ahead.  I hope that you are able to do the same, dear readers and I hope we have a blessed year in 2013!

Worst Apocalypse Ever!

Dearest Readers,

My apologies for being late on writing my weekly post.  I, like others I know, was waiting to see if the predictions of the end of the world would come to pass and as we are still here...  This will go down (at least in my limited history) as the WORST APOCALYPSE EVER!  So now, there is a rush to get ready for the Holiday Season as well as spending time with family.  Yes, I am currently visiting with family, thus am on vacation, so I don't have any clue what day of the week it is.  I, along with my parents, even watched the movie 2012 to see how the end of the world was going to come to pass and I waited for the ground to crack open or the tsunami to wash us away but none of that happened.

No, I am not writing from the airport this year [so I can't use that as an excuse not to write =) ] because surprisingly all of my flights were 100% on time and I even had a really tight connection at one of the airports and I still made my flight!  Yes, I am sure that by writing this I have called forth a challenge to the travel gods and they will make it their personal mission to make my life miserable in my attempt to fly back at the end of my visit but I still have a bit of time before I have to worry about that...  I'll worry about that tomorrow.  Probably not since tomorrow there will be a house full of family and as I've written before, with my family that means a whole lot of crazy fun will be going on as well.  I, for one, can't wait!

As I am sitting at the computer listening to the fun Christmas music Dad has playing and smelling the wonderfully sinful things that Mom is baking my mind drifts to thoughts of Christmas past when we were growing up.  The kids in my family would draw names as who we would buy gifts for and it seemed to become a competition (as most things did between my siblings and I) as to who could buy the silliest gift for who we picked.  Mom and Dad would take us shopping and then became the torment to see who could keep what was purchased a secret until Christmas Eve.  Mom and Dad realized that we would be unable to last until Christmas so after going to Christmas Eve church service, we were allowed to exchange gifts with one another.  I don't think I'll forget the year that my one brother unwrapped each and every piece of wrapped coal from the other brother in the hopes he would find something that wasn't coal in the box.

On Christmas Day, my siblings and I would attempt to sneak downstairs because we knew Mom and Dad had told us they wouldn't get up unless there was fresh coffee made.  We would fight over who got to do what job in order to prepare the precious liquid that would coax Mom and Dad out of bed way earlier than they would have liked.  We always tried our best to not spill water all over the place and to not get coffee grounds everywhere (including in the coffee pot itself) but it always seemed to happen anyway.  We would then argue over who Mom and Dad would get less mad at if they were the one to knock on their bedroom door to announce that their coffee was made.  Obviously my sister and I always tried to convince one of the boys to do the unwanted job and it usually fell to the youngest boy as he was still "cute enough not to kill."  So he would wonder how he got selected (we saw it as natural selection as it's finest) as he climbed the stairs to his doom to knock on the door at the end of the hall.  Mom and Dad would begrudgingly wake up with the promise that coffee was indeed waiting for them (even though it was often just starting to come through the coffee machine and when they did drink it, it was strong enough to "put hair on their chest" as Dad would say) and they would come downstairs.

At that point, as coffee was poured into cups, the youngest (who survived his trip upstairs to what he thought was his doom -- maybe that had something to do with what would later become his catch phrase of "I'm gonna die!" came from... hmm....) had already been scouring under the tree to find all of the gifts with his name on them, placing them in a pile and determining the order in which he was going to open EVERYTHING!  We usually got to go through our stockings as Mom and Dad drank their first cup of coffee in an effort to wake up and it kept the youngest from getting too crazy over having to wait forever to see what was hiding inside the colorfully wrapped gifts.  When Mom and Dad finished their first cup, we took turns opening one gift at a time and creating a mountain of wrapping paper we would take turns jumping in later (that's what happens when you live someplace where you can rake a pile of leaves or create a mountain of snow -- you learn to jump/play in piles of anything).

Now that we're all older, two of the four of us have children of our own, it's fun for me to see that same light and joy of Christmas in the eyes of my nephews (granted two of them are too little to understand what in the world is going on but the other one gets the same excitement that I remember my youngest brother having).  We'll see how early he tries to wake his parents up tomorrow...  =)  I'm sure I'll hear all about it when he comes over tomorrow afternoon and have even more gifts to open.

Well, since the world didn't end, I probably have some other things around here that I could be helping with since everyone will be over here at some point tomorrow.  It is my hope to all of you that if you can't spend time with your loved ones that you are able to enjoy memories of Christmas days that you have enjoyed with them in the past.  I wish you all a very Merry Christmas full of love, laughter and the true meaning of the Christmas story!

Love,
Gypsy  =)

Stress

I am glad that we are entering a new week because there was too much drama in my life this past week...  Thankfully I did not fall at work this week (my bruise from last week's "incident" is turning all sorts of pretty colors and is still a little swollen) but the person who's been extremely helpful left this week to move onto bigger and better things.  While I am very happy for him, I am sad at the same time that he's no longer going to be at work to help me if/when I need him.  I guess I'm just being presented with one more situation where I need to learn to stand on my own two feet and hope that I don't fall...

Maybe part of the problem is I feel like I'm once again putting too much pressure on myself not to screw up and that's causing issues.  I'm striving too hard to achieve that impossible goal of perfection that things that I wouldn't usually miss or mess up, that's what I'm doing - I'm missing steps or things that I need to do or I'm messing up...  I think I once again need to just step back, look at and acknowledge the things that I am doing "right" and give myself credit for those things rather than focusing on the other stuff.

Another part that makes me think that I might be stressing myself out is how I woke up this morning.  When it was time to wake up, I looked to see what time it was and I couldn't find my alarm clock.  The reason I was unable to find my alarm clock is my head was almost at the foot of the bed and my feet were almost to the head of the bed...  It's been quite some time since I've done that...  Granted, I've woken up sideways across the bed but it's been a long time since I've done the 180 rotation.  I woke up feeling rested but that feeling quickly dissipated as the day went on.  Even though it's Sunday, I tried very hard not to take a Sunday Afternoon Nap (even though those are the best kind of naps to take).  I just had too much to accomplish today in order to take the time and have one of those fabulous nap opportunities.

I think one of the things that I need to try and get back into is working on myself.  Over the past week or so since my leg has been bruised and my knee sore, I cut way back on the workouts I had been doing and only really worked out once (other than going to dance class).  Up until this last week, I had been working out every other day if not a couple of days in a row.  I had got beyond being too sore to move after the workout and I'm afraid I'm going to be back to that point when I start up again.  I worked out yesterday and plan on working out tomorrow so I'm going to keep my fingers crossed that I'll be able to get back into motivating myself back to working out every other day at least.

I know that this is definitely another situation that I need to acknowledge how far I've come and what a difference I've made size/weight wise but I still tend to focus on how far I still feel as if I need to go.  It probably doesn't help that one of the children at work began to talk to others about how fat she thinks I am.  When she was confronted about the information and I asked her about how saying things like that make other people feel, the girl looked right at me and said, "well you are!"  Talk about rubbing salt into an open wound...  I know that I'm not where I want to be yet but I also have to realize how far I've come (and some days that it way easier said than done).

Alright, I think if I'm going to get up in the morning and squeeze my workout in before all of the other things I need to do tomorrow, I had better sign off for another week.  Have a good week, dear readers!  =)

Magical Protection

This week at work, I was playing outside with a group of preschoolers.  They were chasing me around and one said he was going to "save me" by offering me "magical protection" (a hula hoop).  When I made a big deal over my "magical protection," the children scoured the outdoor play area collecting all of the "magical protection" they could find and placed them around me.  Another child then said that the other teacher needed some too so we gave her half.  The boy who originally offered me the "magical protection" then found a shell in his pocket and asked for some chalk so he could draw the creature who used to live in the shell.  Since we were playing a new game, I decided to drop the rest of my "magical protection" onto the ground.  There was no chalk out (since it had been raining) so we went to get some out of the closet. As I was carrying the box and talking to a few of the children, I didn't see that another child had stopped riding their bike right at my feet.  I fell over the child and the tricycle.  In an effort to help the child, I landed hard on my left knee, caught myself on my left wrist and took a handlebar to the inside of my right thigh.

Luckily the child that I fell over was 100% fine (he was just really shaken up/scared) and I'm hoping that he learned something since we have been talking to all of the kids about how unsafe it is to stop a bike right where someone is walking.  In the process of "saving" him, I injured myself though.  My knee is swollen and sore, my wrist started to hurt the day after I fell and I have a huge bruise on my thigh from where the handlebar hit.  I guess I should have kept the "magical protection"...

The other teacher outside with me shouted in the door to the supervisor to let him know that I was injured and he and another co-worker came running with ice.  They both looked crestfallen when I reminded them that I can't use ice, even for an injury due to a weird skin allergy.  Since I had my dance bag in the car, I gave one of them my keys and asked for them to bring it in for me because I still have my knee brace in it just in case I need it.  Even though it's been a few days, it is still sore but it is starting to feel some better.

Granted, I started the day by telling people that I wanted/needed to stay distracted but getting injured like this was not the way I wanted to go about it.  The reason I needed/wanted to stay distracted that day in particular is it marked what would have been my wedding anniversary.  I don't know if I was trying to prove something to myself or others by being "tough" on that day and not have things bother me but getting hurt made me think about it...  I didn't think about him per sae but it made me think about missing having someone by my side.  While I was at work, I could ask my co-workers for assistance (which I think shocked them since I don't hardly ask for help) but at home, I didn't have anyone to ask.

I also sent my Dad a message in the day to tell him that I had been thinking about that particular day nine years ago.  Dad had offered to "run interference" as I ran out the double doors of the church as he walked me down the aisle.  I told Dad that I have thought about that statement some on and off over the last few years.  While Dad and I were sending messages back and forth, he reminded me that if I would have run off, who knows where I may/may not have ended up in many different aspects of my life.

I know that I do have to think about the "butterfly effect" and realize that every time you make a decision/choice it can have an effect on another one.  I guess I just have to realize that I am in a better place because of what I've been through and just continue to focus on what I do have and am learning rather than focus on what I had in the past.  We'll see what else I have to face this week.

Oh, on a good note!  My dance instructor has opted to no longer close the studio but just take a month or so off just after the first of the year and then we'll join together again.  YAY!!  =)

Unexpected

Today started out with an unexpected plethora of flowers delivered with great fanfare while I was in the shower.  Now that I have your attention, let me explain.  =)

This morning it was raining (yet again -- it's been raining pretty much all week/weekend) so I decided to take a nice hot shower in order to start my day since I'm not a fan of the rain.  While I was in the shower this morning my dogs started going nuts barking and whining.  I couldn't figure what had set them off so I stayed in the shower.  When I got out, they were still going nuts so I wrapped up in a towel to come and yell at them.  As I went back into the bathroom/bedroom to get dressed, I saw my cell phone indicating I had just missed a phone call.  The call was from the lady upstairs and I tried calling her back and there was no answer.  I then saw that I had a voicemail from her and as I was trying to listen to it, the dogs started going nuts again!  I tried to listen to the voicemail and shush the dogs at the same time.  When I was finally able to listen to the voicemail, I learned that the reason that my dogs were going nuts is the bougainvillea that has been leaning against the house upstairs got caught by a gust of wind and it fell over.  Not only did the bougainvillea fall over, it fell right on top of my car.  The dogs had heard it fall is my guess while I was in the shower since I didn't hear it fall.  They continued to go nuts because the gentleman from upstairs was attempting to attack the bougainvillea with a giant pair of pruning shears to get it off of my car.

After my initial shock wore off when I went outside at saw the bougainvillea surrounding the passenger side of my car (he had already removed the branches from the top of the car) I checked the roof for damage.  My car is a convertible so of course I was concerned about damage to the canvas and it still pouring outside.  Thankfully there was no damage to the canvas or to any other part of the car surprisingly.  He did a fabulous job clearing the branches from around my car and I felt really bad because even though he was wearing a poncho, the hood had fallen off with the assistance of the wind and he was completely soaked.  He joked that he had eaten too much good food for dinner last night and he needed to work it off anyway but I still felt bad that he was working so hard in the rain.  I told him that luckily it didn't happen on a morning that I had to get up and moving for work and his response was he would have handed me the pruning shears at that point so I could remove the branches in the dark.  =)  Needless to say, it was an interesting start to my day...

On the plus side, this week I was able to pack up and ship all of my Christmas gifts and was able to take the box to the post office at a time when it wasn't raining.  It was a much bigger box than I had originally wanted to send however everything fit in the box so that's what was most important to me.  The guy at the post office was trying to give me all of the different options to send the box and he seemed surprised that I picked the slowest option.  I told him that it was still a few weeks until Christmas so I had time for the box to get to it's destination -- plus the other two options were more than double what I was already going to spend to send it the slow way (part of the small fortune I had to spend was the size of the box but the weight of the box was also almost 26 pounds so I'm sure that was a factor as well).  But it's on its way to the final destination and should be here this coming week even though I sent it the slow way so I'm okay with that.  Of course, now that I've packed/sent the box I have thought of other things that I could have done for people but I guess it's too late now!

I went out to lunch with someone from church today and we decided to support one another in trying to do better at putting ourselves first.  We are in different places in our lives (she's older than I am and has two teenage daughters) but through talking we found that we both tend to put the needs of others before our own needs.  Because we both tend to put ourselves last, we are going to try and support one another in our effort to make our needs important as well.  I'm just hoping in our efforts to help one another we don't put ourselves last again...  Oh, well.  We're both making an effort and I do want to acknowledge that fact.

With having the issue with the fallen bougainvillea this weekend, I am hoping that this week doesn't have any major issues associated with it.  We are going back to the dance studio this week after a week and a half off so I'm hoping that everything goes well since we really need to rehearse for a big upcoming show on New Year's Eve (and it's the last show we will be rehearsing for in our own studio).  Along with those dance rehearsals, I am hoping to find the time/energy to use my workout DVD in the living room this week as well.  We'll just have to wait and see if all of that happens or not!  =)

Tomorrow

It's a little strange to think about having to go into work in the morning but it's probably a good thing that I'm going back...  I've been able to have the last four days off of work so it's been like a double weekend.  With having my double weekend, I was able to get all of my Christmas gifts completed (some of them were homemade this year) and in a box ready to mail.  While working on one of the items I didn't think it would ever be finished, however, looking back it honestly only took me a week to complete it.  I'm not going to say much yet about what the item is because it is a gift but it honestly surprised me that I finished it (as well as other projects, too) in a week.  Gotta love those double weekends!  =)

Something else that was good about the long weekend is I was able to workout 3 out of the 4 days.  I thought this was especially helpful due to all of the food I ate that I wasn't planning on eating on Thanksgiving.  I hadn't made any Thanksgiving plans due to all of the crafts/projects I had to work on.  Then, the morning of Thanksgiving, I got a text from my dance instructor inviting me over for a small (for her) Thanksgiving luncheon (last year there was almost 30 people there for Thanksgiving and this year there was a total of 7 of us) and I opted to go.  I tried really hard to behave myself food-wise and I tried hard not to overeat.  I even limited myself to one dessert and even though each slice is like a million calories, I indulged in my holiday favorite -- a slice of pecan pie.  The calories were SO worth it!  =) However, that was one of the reasons for the extra workout time.

One of the things I know that I need to do is not burn myself out with the workout videos that I have found that I like because they will be all I have to workout to after the next few weeks.  I am still struggling with the thought of the dance studio closing and I haven't found a new dance "home" as of yet (honestly I haven't done too much looking into it...) probably mostly because I'm still in denial.  Not in denial that she's closing the studio because I know that it's something that she feels as if she needs to do for herself.  I guess I'm in denial over the fact that I'm actually going to have to find someplace else to take classes/lessons and find a new instructor.  Maybe that will be one of my New Year's Resolutions.

Over this long weekend, as I was working on my different projects, I was flipping through channels and watched Gone With the Wind.  It's been awhile since I've seen that movie (probably been a couple of years) and I hate to say that I identified with Scarlett.  I was able to identify with her in some ways; however, in other ways I have to say I wish I were more like her.  Not in the man stealing, master manipulator way but in her strength and determination.  She was faced with so many different challenges and she came out on top.  Yes, she didn't always triumph in the ways that she wanted to but she triumphed in so many other ways.  I also think that I need to adopt one of her most famous phrases, "Oh, I can't think about this now! I'll go crazy if I do! I'll think about it tomorrow. But I must think about it. I must think about it. What is there to do? What is there that matters? .... After all... tomorrow is another day!"

I guess her strength is something that I need to learn how to channel/modify for myself.  Although one of the things that I think I would want that Scarlett didn't (until she couldn't) is I would want a man more like Rhett rather than Ashley.  I think the wasband was like Ashley and that's not the type of man that I need for who I am.  I definitely need a man like Rhett who will stand up to me and challenge me and love me regardless of my hardheadedness.  But as I've had pointed out, a man like that isn't going to just drop into my lap, I'm actually going to have to get out there and look for him.  YIKES!  That's more than just a little nerve wracking...  Maybe I just need to put an ad out there and look for a modern day Rhett Butler...  Think it would work?  =)

Well, I think I'm going to put this away for tonight in order to prepare myself for the workweek ahead. I hope that you have a great week and remember, "tomorrow is another day!"

News

I received some devastating (to me) news this past week and I am still attempting to process the news itself as well as the implications of it all...  Due to many different reasons, my dance instructor has decided to close her dance studio and take a break from teaching.  She's talking about the possibility of teaching again at some point but it won't be in "our" space.  Other than the fact the studio has been a home away from home of sorts for me, it has also been a haven.  Even though the studio is closing, I know that it won't be the end of dancing for me but it will be a change.  I will have to put more effort into working on my dancing at home and looking for opportunities to take classes/workshops elsewhere.  The troupe is still at least talking about/planning on performing together for different venues but I know that it won't be the same.  As I've written before, good-byes (even to a place) have never been easy for me...

I especially didn't need to hear this news right now (even though there probably wouldn't be a good time for me to receive this news).  My instructor gave us her announcement on the day that marked my third year at the dance studio.  I know that the choice is hers and hers alone but it wasn't news that I was wanting to hear.  I'm sure it's also tied into what today marks on the calendar...  I am waiting for the day when I can look at the calendar and not be reminded of what happened on this day, but this year isn't the year...  Granted, today hasn't been as bad as last year was but it hasn't been one of my better days.  Today marks the four year point of me essentially being single (today marks the day of the wasband leaving).

Like I said, today isn't as rough for me as this day has been in the past but just knowing what happened on this date has effected me more than I wanted it to.  I'm sure that part of it is due to it being around the holidays and that makes some aspects bittersweet.  I just have to try and focus on all of the good things that have occurred in the past four years and look towards the future good things that will come from that one day in my past.  There are times where I really need to stop, take a step back and remind myself all that marks is a day in my past and it's up to me how I move forward from this point.  Yes, the memories of what came to be can still be sad but they don't have to define me - I do have a choice in that matter, only if I'm willing to take control of it.

That's something that I really hope to work on in the upcoming weeks/months.  I want to feel as if I have more control over at least some of the aspects of my life.  I do know that in some aspects of my life, letting go of some of the control would actually be very beneficial for me but I do want to gain some over some of the other aspects of my life.  Yes, I realize that I may sound like a contradiction but that's just how I feel about things.

I guess on one hand, I should be thankful for that day four years ago because I have learned some important things about myself that I may not have learned otherwise.  Granted, there are days that I don't feel as if I've learned anything but there are other times that I look at what I've learned about myself and I'm amazed.  Even just being able to admit that is an accomplishment for me...  I think that's what I need to place the focus on...

I'll let everyone know how that turns out for me...

Roller coaster ride

This week has left me feeling like I'm riding an emotional roller coaster and I don't know which direction it's going to twist/turn next.  I'm trying to hold on as best I can and am also trying not to give myself whiplash in the process.  Neither one of those things is a very easy task...

I've been frustrated with myself over something that happened at work and I'm still working through how to deal with it.  I found myself in a situation that left me feeling backed into a corner and that's not something that I do well with.  That feeling of being backed into a corner usually leaves me with a fight or flight (i.e. shut down mode for me) attitude.  And because of what this particular situation entails, neither fight or shut down mode would be a good option for me right now.

I'm trying to know find a balance between everything that I have to do on a daily basis as well as taking care of myself.  Taking care of myself has once again fallen to the wayside and I can feel it's weighing me down.  I am still attempting to figure out how I'm going to find a way to take care of myself along with the other things that I feel as if I have to do but I know that I also have to figure all of this out before I implode.  I did have an emotional breakdown when I was talking to Mom on the phone today (THANKS for listening/helping, Mom) and I do feel at least a little bit better after letting some of the pent up tears out.  I honestly don't remember the last time I had an emotional meltdown such as the one this afternoon but I probably should do it more often...

One of the things that I was reminded of today is that it really is okay to fail -- the world is not going to come to an end, I'm not going to fall into a hole  -- as long as I dust myself off and try again.  Yes, I am a perfectionist but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to fail at times and I have to be okay with that.  That is something that I know I'm going to struggle with but I do have to start by giving myself permission to fail at times and not fall to pieces because of it.  I have to learn to "fail big and stick around and make them wonder why I'm still smiling" and while I know it's going to be a process but it's a part of the journey that I need to work on and not just run from it.

Other than the emotional roller coaster, I also had two dance gigs this weekend.  On Friday night we had an opportunity to dance at the studio to live music (where the troupe had created a choreography to perform to the live music) and it was a fun night.  I got to see some people I haven't seen in awhile and got to watch some beautiful dancing.  Then last night, I had the opportunity to solo for one of my most favorite dancers in the area for one of her fundraising events (she's the one who I dance for just about every month for her event).  For this performance I didn't use one of the choreographies that I have written but I danced to one of the troupe pieces.  It's one that I have loved ever since the first time I saw it and I've always wanted to dance it as a solo.  The crowd seemed to enjoy it and I felt very good when the performance was over.

Well, since I have had a lot going on between the emotional roller coaster and the dancing, I am going to sign off for tonight and attempt to get some other things done before going to bed.  Luckily I get to have tomorrow off of work so I can mentally/emotionally prepare myself for the week ahead.  Before I do sign off though, let me say a big "thank you" to those who have served and who are serving in the armed forces!

Sleepy...

I don't know if it's one thing or a combination of things (a very long week at work, the workout schedule I've created for myself, the time change, not enough sleep, etc) but I have had a difficult time staying awake the last couple of days.  Of course, I haven't been able to stay asleep at night and have found myself tossing and turning some but I have been falling asleep on the couch.  Maybe I should either move my couch into the bedroom or just sleep on the couch at night and see if that helps...

I know that one of the things that I can do for myself to help with being tired all of the time is changing my eating habits.  There are days that I work out a lot that I know that I'm probably not eating enough to go along with the calories that I'm burning.  I have a App on my phone that I can use to track my eating/exercise habits and there are days when I've keyed in my information and it has told me that I'm not eating enough.  Those are the days where I am just not able to eat anymore because I'm just not hungry.  I guess I will just have to look at what food I'm eating on those days.  This whole thing is definitely a process...

I don't know why I was hoping this to be a faster process but I was really hoping to see some sort of results from the diet/exercising by now.  I have had people point out and remind me that it took time to put the weight on so it'll take time to take it off -- at least if I want to do it the healthy way.  I know that there would be "fast" and unhealthy ways to take weight off but in doing so I could potentially gain all of that weight back and then some which is something that I really don't want to have happen.  I want all of this work to mean something and that means a new way to look at food and what food I consume.  See, I know all of these things in my head but I just want to see different results when I look in the mirror.

Maybe one of the reasons I'm having such a difficult time with all of this is because I'm stressing myself out.  I tend to hold things close to my heart when I should just let them go rather than stressing out on things that I can't change.  I have always had a difficult time letting go of things and I do often take things personally.  For most of my life I have been able to tell others not to take things to heart or to dwell on them - especially the things that they can't change.  I am able to give that advice to others but not take my own advice when it comes to matters such as this.  One of the things that I hope to work on for myself (yes, yet another thing for me to work on) is to let things go that I cannot control/change and not take things so personally.  I know this will not be an easy or a quick process but I think it's one that I definitely need to make for my own well being and my sanity.  I know that I am often quick to take care of others and not myself but it's something that I need to do -- I know that I've said it before but this time I'm going to make an effort to actually do it -- is I need to make myself a priority.


I don't know if it's been because I've been tired or what but I am so sick/tired of all of the political ads that have been on TV and on the radio that I cannot wait until Wednesday when this Election is over and done with.  I myself have registered to vote but I really don't like the smear tactics going on by all of the candidates and back/forth on all of the different propositions being voted on this week.

In an effort to not have issues such as this continue to bug me tonight, I think that I'm going to bring this to a close and try and relax before heading to bed.  Have a great week, dear readers!  =)

Confession...

I have a confession to make to you, my dear readers...  One of the things that I promised myself at the beginnings of my Quest is that I would use this space as an opportunity to write about my thoughts/feelings without censoring myself.  I need to confess that last week, I censored myself as I wrote my post...

Last week, I wrote "back to why I'm obsessing over this [trying to lose weight/inches before going to visit family]...  I've been thinking about the answer to that for the last few hours and I don't know that I've come up with a really good answer to it...  I don't know if it's because I feel as if I have something to prove or what.  All I do know is this is something that I feel strongly about and I feel as if it's something that I need to do."  Even as I wrote it, I did have one reason that came to mind but I wasn't sure about actually putting it into writing - but even that censorship by omission is something that I didn't want to do when it came to my writing...

So, that being said, I think that one of the reasons I'm obsessing with wanting to lose weight/inches before seeing my family again is because I want to redeem myself in their eyes.  I have said for years and years that I want to lose weight and be smaller but I've done so doing crash diets or have given up on my goals.  The redemption I want to do for myself but also for them (family members).  I guess that also comes from still feeling like I have something to prove after feeling somewhat inadequate still after the divorce.  I don't know if it's just coincidence that these feelings are building up now that we're nearing the anniversary of the wasband leaving or if they're still just latent feelings  All I know is that the feelings are there and I'm trying really hard to not have them consume me.

It seems to me that I'm replacing one obsession with food/eating with working out and I know in my head that neither option is healthy.  I think that one of the things I'm finally trying to do for myself is have my outside match how I feel on the inside -- not necessarily match how, in my head, my reflection looks in the mirror.  There are times I am impressed with the "me" I see in the mirror and other times I see the old me looking back at me from the mirror - the me that hasn't lost any weight at all.  I know that's not the case and that I have done a lot of hard work to get to where I am but at other times I don't feel as if I've done near enough.

And I do realize that when it comes to these issues, I am incredibly biased and hard on myself.  I guess something else to add to the list of things to work on along the journey of my quest.  One of the things that I should point out is none of this pressure is coming from any of my family members but it's pressure that I'm putting on myself.  My family has given me nothing but love and encouragement throughout this whole process.  I am trying not to be overly hard on myself (and for me that's a challenge in and of itself) because I know that will be counterproductive in the long run when it comes to my transformation.

Well my dear readers, the time has come that I need to put this away for the evening in order to head to bed before my busy week ahead.  I will pledge once again to try really hard and not censor my writings and to write what I'm thinking/feeling.

Transformation

I had a thought provoking question posed to me today...  Why do I feel the need to impress family members by transforming myself more before I visit?  The question was posed because I have the opportunity to visit family in the upcoming months and I am pushing myself again when it comes to my physical transformation.  Yes, I took a bit of a diet hiatus after visiting the last time and while I didn't gain too many pounds back, I gained a couple back and now I want to lose those pounds and then some before visiting again.  In an effort to lose those pounds/inches, I have purchased a few more dance workout DVDs to see if I can jump start my metabolism and lose what I want to.  One of the DVDs contains three different 20 minute workouts while the other two are an hour each.  I'm hoping that I'll be able to work them into my weekly schedule.

Some people would ask why it sounds like I'm trying to kill myself in an effort to trim down before my trip.  One of the reasons why I'm trying to fit more workouts into my weekly schedule is, I've cut down my belly dancing hours in half each week.  I had been attending class for two hours on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturday.  My instructor has decided to take a bit of a break and is no longer offering Saturday classes (currently but it may be permanent), one of the Wednesday classes I had been attending is now a class strictly for beginners so I'm down to one hour on Wednesdays and two on Mondays.  The workout DVDs that I purchased are cardio dance workouts with Latin dance influence so they'll be using a lot of the same muscle groups used in belly dance I hope.

The only downside to pushing myself is I'm hoping that I don't bulk up muscle wise as I've done in the past with workouts.  There was a point a number of years ago where I took up Tae-Bo 3-4 days a week in the living room and while I lost some weight, I also ended up building more muscle than I was hoping to so I didn't trim down as much as I wanted to.  This time around workout wise, I am hoping to lose weight as well as trim down.  I guess time will only tell if I'm going to be able to get the results I'm looking for or not.

So, back to why I'm obsessing over this...  I've been thinking about the answer to that for the last few hours and I don't know that I've come up with a really good answer to it...  I don't know if it's because I feel as if I have something to prove or what.  All I do know is this is something that I feel strongly about and I feel as if it's something that I need to do.


I had an experience last night that I'm not sure if I want to relive or not.  I was reading before bed when all of a sudden it felt as if my bed had turned into one of those beds that you put change into and it begins to vibrate.  It took me a second to realize what was going on but all I could figure it was an earthquake.  I reached for my iPad and looked up the local news website and sure enough there had been an earthquake!  The thing that I thought was strange was the dogs didn't react to it at all at the time.  However, today my dogs have been little Velcro dogs (even to the point of whining the entire time I was taking my shower after my morning workout!).  It's been quite some time since my dogs have been Velcro dogs so I found it to be slightly annoying but I guess I can't blame them too much - I mean, the ground was moving after all...

I finished a book this week that Mom recommended the last time I visited.  It equated two women's life journey to the metamorphosis of a butterfly.  Once I started reading the book, I didn't want to put it down.  I could relate so much to the main characters of the book and when I was finished with the book, I told Mom that I feel as if I'm ready to take a little bit more control of my own destiny.  I'm not entirely sure what all that is going to entail but maybe that may have a little bit to do with my body metamorphosis obsession as of late.  I'm ready to stop being a caterpillar and ready to begin my transformation into a butterfly.  I will keep you posted...

Busy, busy, busy...

This past week was a whirlwind of activity...  I don't remember if I filled you in or not but I now work with the school age children for after school care.  This past week, the kids were out of school so we had them in our building all day every day.  In an effort to make planning easier on the staff, I took on most of the planning of activities and they only had to cover the basics.  The theme of the week was "Survivor" or "make it work with what you've been given."  I wasn't quite sure how the week was going to come across since they had never attempted anything of this nature at the center before but I had a lot of fun and the kids actually complained on the last day of camp.  When I assured them that we could possibly repeat the theme at some point, the cheer was deafening.  It was nice to know that they thoroughly enjoyed themselves.

To begin the week, I put the names of all of the children in attendance in a hat.  I placed five different colors of construction paper on the floor (one for each group we were going to have - based on staffing), began to pull the names of the children one at a time and place them on the different pieces of paper.  Once all of the kids were separated, I took the names of the staff, mixed them up and randomly placed them on the colored paper.  Once the groups were "assigned", they broke into their groups to come up with a group name and a mascot.  That afternoon, the groups were given random supplies to build their group mascot.  I was very impressed with how the kids used the supplies that they were given and that their attitudes remained positive with the different tasks they were given.  Some of the other tasks were to write a story using their mascot as the main character, create a book out of their story, make backdrop scenes for their books and create banners out of random pieces of material (three of the groups were given tacky glue, one group lanyard ribbon and scissors and one group paper clips to hold their banners together - I had to cover one of the groups and guess what connector I got - the paper clips...  one of the Kindergartner's suggested to open up the paper clips into "giant S shapes and poke holes in the fabric" which is what I would have done).  I hung up the banners on the wall by my desk and I plan on keeping them on display - the kids were very excited to see that I put them up.

For our last group meeting, the groups took turns reading their books to everyone and I presented everyone with a certificate of participation.  I also made stickers out of address labels for each of the kids to wear and you would have thought I had been giving out medals for how excited they were to receive their sticker.  Because I took a risk in doing something totally different from what has always been done during these camp weeks, I was glad to see that it went over so well with both the kids and the staff.  Tomorrow things go back to "normal" and we'll see how the day plays out.

Also this past week, I got to use one of the gifts I got for my birthday.  I got two tickets for a belly dance event and I took one of my belly dance gal pals along for the adventure.  I'm glad that I had another person go with me because we did get slightly lost looking for the venue (didn't help that we each had our phones giving us directions and there were a couple of times our phones were giving us conflicting information).  We finally found a parking garage, the venue and then our seats that were located in the 3rd row.  The show was a good combination of cabaret dancing and tribal/fusion (tribal/fusion being my favorite style) and during the performance they alternated which style you were watching (i.e. cabaret troupe, tribal solo, cabaret solo, tribal troupe, etc) and it kept the show very exciting/entertaining in my opinion.  I saw some things in the performance that I would like to try and see if I could integrate into my personal dancing but we'll see...

Well, since I have a busy week ahead, I think I'm going to close this down and read a bit before going to bed I think (in an attempt to get some sleep...  been tossing and turning quite a bit...).  Have a happy week, dear readers!

Karma

I had a day this week where nothing seemed to go "right" for me.  I wasn't able to do/say the right things at work, in conversations with those I interacted with, I questioned every action/decision I was making and none of it left me feeling very well.  The day after everything seemed to go wrong, I had a magical day where everything seemed to go the way I didn't expect it to...

This past week, my driver's license expired and people told me what a nightmare the local DMV is.  I went onto the website and saw that I could make an appointment.  I was able to get an appointment for the next day (the day after I looked for an appointment) and I was surprised at how easy it was to make an appointment.  When I got to the DMV, because I had an appointment, I basically got to jump the line of other patrons who were waiting who didn't have an appointment scheduled.  Once I got my paperwork filled out and got my number, I only had to wait about 2-3 minutes before my number was called.  Most people don't get excited about having to go to the DMV to get a new photo on their driver's license -- I was very excited to update mine.  I was glad to have a new photo on mine and my correct weight (the wasband was overly generous when they asked him for my weight on my previous driver's license and it was listed at 60 or so pounds lower than it actually should have been).  Granted, I have to wait to get my new license in the mail but it's exciting to know that it's on the way.

On the same day that I had to DMV, I also had to get something taken care of for work.  I pulled into the usually jammed parking lot and was able to find a parking spot immediately and then there was no waiting in the building that I needed to go into.  The problem was taken care of in less than 5 minutes and I was able to go back on my way again.  All I can figure is this particular day was to cosmically make up for the bad day I had the previous day.

Another way that I was able to have good Karma came from spending time with good friends this past weekend.  Yesterday was my birthday and I had a friend take me out for brunch (where we got to enjoy unlimited mimosas -- YUM!!) and then my dance instructor and her husband took me out for dinner.  The funny part about dinner was they offered to take me to a restaurant that I hadn't heard of and my brunch friend told me that it was a sushi/seafood place (and I'm allergic to fish and seafood).  She sent a text to our dance instructor, reminding her about my food allergies and then I got a text yelling at me for not saying something.  I sent a message back saying I didn't know the restaurant and she told me to pick another place.  I picked one of my favorite restaurants and ordered one of my favorite dishes of all time (and I totally ignored the calorie count!).  Then another friend invited me out for lunch after church today.  It was fabulous to have a weekend where I didn't have to cook for myself (since that's one of my least favorite things to do) but I'm sure I'll have to do quite a bit of dancing this upcoming week to make up for all of the calories I consumed (but it was SO worth it!!).

One of the other cosmically cool things that happened today was I was able to finally "win" an Etsy auction for a pair of really exciting/fun/wild arm warmers.  The arm warmers are a combination of rainbows and two different kinds of animal print.  Yes, their wild and silly and I can't wait to get them and wear them around.  Out of the 15 pairs that were up for auction in the sale, I believe the ones that I was able to buy were the "funkiest" up for sale and that just made me giggle even more when I "won" them.

I'm just hoping that being able to win these arm warmers (along with the other good things that happened in the last couple of days) doesn't mean that not so good things are going to happen in the upcoming week.  I mean, I know I have a full and busy week but I'm hoping that everything goes smoothly.  I will let you know how it all works out...

Accomplishments

Well, on the plus side this week, I didn't have anyone offer to "fix" me however that could be because people didn't want to get too close to me since I was sick and they didn't want me to infect them...  I had a touch of laryngitis, then felt better and went back to feeling under the weather.  This past wave of not feeling well has left my sinuses congested and a cough.  As of this afternoon, I think I have found the right combination of medication and rest and am hopefully on the upswing of this whole mess.  I really don't like feeling sick...

Because I wasn't feeling well (and had a slight fever on Thursday), I ended up not going to choir practice.  I know that I didn't go to vocal choir the week before but I didn't want to risk going this past week and get everyone in the choir sick.  I fell asleep on the couch after I made the phone calls to let people know I wasn't going to choir, woke up after a couple of hours to get something to eat and I fell asleep with the plate on my lap.  The dogs woke me up about 10 or so licking my plate.  At that point I figured it was time to fall asleep in my bed in attempt to feel better.  Thankfully when I woke up the following morning, my fever was gone and I was able to make it through the work day.  It's a good thing since I had to work yesterday too (even though it was Saturday) for an event.  We had a lot of fun but it was a long day...  Good thing I have a three day weekend coming up!

I don't have any plans in particular for my three day weekend but one of the things that I'm hoping to do is to catch up on some sleep.  Just when I think I'm getting a handle on sleep deprivation, something happens that keeps me up at night.  Because I've been congested, I know that I haven't been getting the type of sleep that I've needed to in order to get over this cold (since I don't seem to get the best sleep when I'm attempting to sleep upright).  Now that I'm feeling better, I'm hoping to get some good sleep tonight but only time will tell.  =)

I had another small reason to give myself kudos this week.  Small/silly to some but it was an accomplishment for me so I'm going to be proud of myself for doing something that I've never done before.  Since my work hours have changed, it is sometimes difficult to get routine tasks done after I get off of work.  One of the things I had to find a way around this past week was getting a check deposited into my bank account.  Since I didn't make it to the bank during my lunch break, I took the check to my ATM to deposit the check.  Here is where my sense of accomplishment came in...  I have honestly never used an ATM to deposit a check before so it was a new experience for me.  It was a fairly easy experience and, since it was my first time doing this, I'm glad I didn't mess it up.  =)

Well, since I have some things that I would like to attempt to do before heading to bed tonight, I think I'm going to sign off for tonight.  I hope that we can all learn to celebrate even the smallest of accomplishments, even if it's just to encourage yourself to keep putting one foot in front of the other...

I'm not broken!

I must have a sign on my forehead that says "broken" or a crack running through me that I can't see...  In the last couple of weeks, I have had different people offer to "fix" me and I'm trying to understand why.  Yes, I still have parts of me that I would like to work on but they are things that I need need to work on.  It's not up to anyone else to fix me because I don't feel as if I am necessarily broken.  I guess one of the things that I need to decide for myself is if I'm going to continue to allow comments like this from other people to be something I find acceptable or not.  When someone made this particular comment to me yesterday, I actually let them know in the moment that I wasn't broken and even if I was, it's not up to them to feel like it's their responsibility to fix me.  I don't think they were expecting that type of a response from me.

I wasn't trying to be mean when I made my comment to them but I really felt the need to make my point.  I told the individual that I respected the personal journey they're on (because they kept bringing up their journey as what I should compare mine to) but they, in turn, needed to respect the journey that I'm on and to understand that it's up to me to decide who walks with me along my journey.  Now that I've said it, I need to make sure I stick to that.

Something that I realized this past week is that I've been throwing myself a lot of pity parties lately.  Yes, I've been tired and felt somewhat overworked but that doesn't make pity parties a necessity as well.  I just have to keep reminding myself that the occasional pity party may be fine but I don't have to let them go on and on.

I think one of the things that helped break me of the pity party mentality was my car.  As the weather has started to cool off, mornings have gotten colder.  The other morning when I went to head to work, my tire light was on.  Of course, I couldn't find my tire gauge so my plan was to pick one after work.  I ended up having to work late that night unexpectedly and only had about 15 minutes or so to run home and let the dogs out before having to be at choir practice.  Because I had a touch of laryngitis this past week, I went to hand bell choir rehearsal but ended up not staying for vocal choir.  During that time, I went and picked up a tire gauge.  I have a portable jump start/air compressor so I was able to put air in the tires myself.  While I was at it, I checked the oil in my car as well.  That was another process in and of itself...

In order to get to the dipstick to check the oil, I had to lift a carpet, lift a metal panel out of the way and then remove the dipstick.  I then had to put the metal panel back down, along with the carpet, to wipe the dipstick, lift everything out of the way again to put the stick back, remove it and check the oil.  After that was all said and done (and it was determined that my car did not need oil), I had to put the dipstick back, put the metal panel back in place and put the carpet back down.  Of course since I was attempting to do everything myself (since what other option did I have), the metal panel did not want to go back into place easily so I ended up having to hold the carpet out of the way with my head (since it couldn't be removed completely) and use two hands to replace the metal panel.  Once the panel was in place and the carpet was put back down, I felt a sense of accomplishment.  While some of the car ordeal was a pain, I was proud of myself for getting it done.  To place a icing on the cake, the next day when I got in the car to go to work, the tire light was still off so I did the job right!  =)

I think I need to go back to one of the things I wrote about back in Year One of Gypsy's Quest... That is, I need to celebrate some of my small accomplishments and not just wait for the big ones to happen.  Yes, that may seem a little silly but I know that it's a very important aspect along my personal journey.

Another bigger accomplishment came after my solo performance last night.  I danced my sword solo for a packed restaurant show last night and changed during the intermission to prepare for our group dance.  After I changed and was putting final touches on my costume in preparation, I was approached by a a fabulous local dancer and she asked if she could talk to me for a minute.  Once the initial shock wore off, she gave me another reason to be left speechless...  She told me that she could tell that I loved sword work and that she thinks she got a glimpse of my soul as I danced.  That was a huge compliment for me and I think it's going to continue to push me to continue to work on perfecting my skills as a sword dancer.  I also had another dancer (who was just an audience member last night) tell me that she didn't get out her phone for photos/videos until I started to dance.  That really meant a lot to me!

Since I'm still a little excited about the show from last night and from the AWESOME birthday surprise to look forward to from my Mom and Dad (more details to come....), I think I'm going to sign off for tonight in order to get mentally/physically prepared for the busy week ahead.  I'm hoping to have a week that is pity party free (and if a pity party must occur, I hope I'm able to have it not last very long...).

To Do list

It has been a long week....  It seemed to be one thing after another at work this week (and tomorrow intimidates me already because two of my right-hand people at work have the day off) and while the extra hours are nice for my paycheck, I'm exhausted.  While most people have no trouble sleeping after long and busy days, I am the opposite.  When I feel over stressed or over tired, I tend to toss and turn at night.  Yesterday the lack of sleep caught up to me and I feel asleep on the couch for a couple of hours unexpectedly.  Yes, it felt good to take my nap but it then gave me a more difficult time to fall asleep last night...  I'm really hoping that one of these days I am able to find a system that works for me and I'll be able to catch up on all of this lost sleep...

I'm still working on finding my niche at work (since I've switched buildings/age groups) and I'm hoping that I'm not failing miserably in the process.  I feel as if some people are open to me and my ideas but other people just talk about me behind my back.  That's not a good feeling.  I don't want to change my personality just to placate my coworkers but I don't want the group of them (or even a couple of them) to stage a coup behind my back because they don't like my personality.  I know because I work with people, I am always going to run into someone that doesn't like me or my personality but I can't have it effect how I do my job - work still has to get done regardless.  I just have to work on finding a balancing act that I can live with.

In the midst of me trying to find time to catch up on sleep and to balance life with coworkers, I am also still desperately attempting to change how I look on the outside (both with my weight loss but work on my own personal "style" as well).  As it cools off here, I know that I can't wear an oversized sweatshirt to work every day (even thought I'm one who really LOVES to wear an oversized sweatshirt) so I have to find things to wear that are both functional as well as comfortable.  That, for me, has always been somewhat of a struggle.  I guess I just have to decide, for me, what I want my "style" to be.

In order to decide what I want my style to be, I think first I need to decide who I want to be.  That is not an easy task (as you've read in past posts, I have been trying to define who "me" is for the last 4 years) and I'm struggling with it.  People tell me that I can be whoever I want to be but they don't tell me how.  I'm not too bad at helping others determine who they are but when it comes to myself, I don't really know where to start.  That's something I need to put on my To Do list I think though and make myself a priority (my sister pointed out tonight that I need to put it on my Now List not my Sometime in the Future List).

Now I'm not one to go against good advice that my sister gives me so I guess I need to prioritize my To Do list and make sure that I put some things for myself on there.  I have a tendency to place other people at higher priority on my To Do list and the things for me move down in order to make room.  I need to stop doing that.  Something to put on my To Do list I guess.  =)

That being said, I think I'm going to bring this to a close for this evening and I will write again next week.  I have a busy week ahead (including a dance performance that includes a troupe dance as well as a solo piece) so I should probably attempt to get some sleep tonight...

Goal setting

I am hoping that one of these days I'm actually going to be able to take my own advice or I'm able to accomplish some of the goals I set for myself on here....  I keep writing about taking time for myself and not feeling guilty when I actually try.  This past Monday, I had the day off of work and I decided to have a "do whatever I want" day.  I got part way through the day (took myself to the movies, got lunch, wandered around, etc.) and then I started to think about all of the things I "should have" been doing instead; so rather than enjoying the things I did accomplish, I felt guilty for not getting those other things done.  Maybe, rather than focusing on those things, I need to look instead that I did take some time to myself and I didn't just make plans for myself and not follow through.

One of the things I think I need to go back to is something I attempted to work on a few years ago...  I need to learn to be the kind of friend to myself that I am to other people.  My personality is such that I am often a sounding board for others but when it comes to analyzing myself, I am definitely my own worst critic.  I think I need to learn how to step back and look at things more objectively when it comes to myself.

A friend of mine has suggested that maybe something that might help me is to make a list of the attributes I like in myself and a separate list of traits I might want to change.  From there, examine the list and decide if those things I would change are realistic or not.  If they're not realistic, cross them off the list and move on from them.  Just because they're not realistic, doesn't make me a failure because I can't achieve them, it actually could help keep me from feeling like a failure in advance.  I'm not sure if it'll work or not but I guess it's something that might be worth a shot.

Something else I know that I need to work on is letting go...  I need to let go of the parts of my past that haven't been favorable (even though they have brought me to the point in my life I currently find myself) and allow myself to move on.  I also need to learn to let go of things that I can't change.  Let go of the things at work, at dance, or wherever I may find myself that are not conducive to me being the best that I can be.

I need to work on deciding for myself what things matter and what things don't.  I tend to take everything to heart and, in doing so, I tend to beat myself up quite a bit.  That's not something that I want to continue doing.  I want to be able to sleep at night.  I want to feel like I can build myself up and not just build up those people I associate with.  I want to continue to be able to build those people up who matter in my life and I am starting to recognize that I can't do that if I'm either on the ground myself or if I find myself in a hole peaking out.

One of the goals I am going to set for myself to make a conscious effort to build myself up this week and if something goes wrong to just shake it off (as best I can) and not beat myself up over it.  We'll see how I do in the next week with that and I will report back next week.  I know that I am going to find myself in some high stress situations at work this week and I'm going to see how well I can "go with the flow" rather than feeling like I'm a salmon swimming upstream (maybe I just need to remind myself that I'm allergic to fish and that'll help...).  =)

Do you know me at all?

I am finding it difficult to believe that I am entering year 4 of writing Gypsy's Quest...  I sometimes go back and reread posts just so I can see that I really am making some sort of progress because there are times that I doubt it...

One of the things that was brought to my attention in the past week is the fact that we can change ourselves in a "nanosecond" and we don't have to have things stay as they always have.  What led up to that was a conversation trying to get me to involve myself in a group social setting.  I don't like being involved usually in a group setting nor do I tend to do well in social settings in general.  My dance troupe was meeting/getting ready at my instructor's house and people were gathered in the kitchen eating/socializing and I was stretching in the dining room.  I could see into the kitchen and was able to overhear the conversation going on.  While I didn't choose to participate in said conversation, I was doing what I needed to do in order to prepare for the performance.  My instructor came into her dining room and told me that she missed me being in the kitchen and asked why I wasn't in with the group...

Since she's known me (it will be 4 years this November), I've told her about me and social gatherings/situations.  I just wanted to say, "Do you know me at all?"  Instead, I explained to her again that I have never enjoyed/done well in social situations.  She then told me about changing myself in a nanosecond and that I can make a conscious effort to change and that I should.  For those of you in cyber land who truly know me, you know that my personality is one that tends to become stubborn when I'm told what I should/have to do.  While I could see her point, that is part of myself that I am comfortable with.  At this point, because it is something within myself that I'm actually comfortable with, I'm not sure that it's something I'm willing to change.  Work on it?  Sure.  But I'm not ready to completely change that part of me.

I guess with everything else that's happened in my life in that last number of years (things that I have had control over and things that I've had no control over), I am more cautious with the aspects of my life that I willingly change; especially just because someone else wants me to.  I am just trying to get more comfortable with who I am (even if who that is isn't something that has been entirely determined yet).  I have come to terms with the fact I am a work in progress and I'm hoping some day that other's will come to terms with that as well.


Yesterday, my belly dance troupe danced at the county fair and I got a touch of a sunburn.  I didn't think about it beforehand and my dance top is cut slightly differently than the swimsuit I wore while at Mom and Dad's.  I have a touch of a sunburn on my chest but my back (including my lower back) is pretty red.  At least it hasn't bugged me too much (oops...  probably just jinxed myself by writing that) so far and hopefully it won't peel.  The performance was fun (even with a few choreography snafus) and afterwards I had the best peach champagne gelato.  Yum!  =)

Well, since I have a long week ahead of me, I should probably sign off for tonight.  I have tomorrow off of work (yay!), work then a dentist appointment on Tuesday, work and dance class on Wednesday, work and bell/vocal choir rehearsal on Thursday, work and then working late night on Friday and then dance class and a solo performance on Saturday (and I have yet to select the music for that performance).  So I think I'm going to rest my knee and relax for the rest of the evening in order to gather my strength for the week.

lost

Why is it that lately I have felt as if I am wandering around in the light looking for a light switch in a room that doesn't have one?  I have just felt lost and not even the road map I wrote about last week is helping.  Today I got the opportunity to talk to my oldest nephew for a few moments and what he said just about broke my heart....  He told me to get in my car, drive really fast to beat the sun going down and the moon coming up so I could come and eat pizza with him.  How do I explain to a 4 1/2 year old why Auntie can't just hop in the car and drive to see him when she lives 30+ hours by car away?  I told him that I really wished that I could join him for pizza and to swim with him and have all of the fun that we did when I got to visit but I think he's still waiting for me to show up by car.  Just knowing that I can't makes me sad.

Times like this just really makes me wish that I had someone I could curl up on the couch with and either have a good cry or just be held.  I just feel like at times I am so busy taking care of others that my wants/needs/desires/emotions get pushed to the wayside in the hopes I will one day be able to take care of myself.  Unfortunately, that day just doesn't seem to come.  I know, I know.  I keep saying that I need to find ways to put myself first but I just don't seem to find the opportunity to do so.

Maybe what I need to do is make a list of all of the "me" things that I enjoy doing and try and fit one thing off of the list every week or every other week.  That may or may not be a long shot but it is an attempt to fit some time into my life for myself.  And I'm not talking about alone time because there is plenty of time for me to do that...  Those times where I'm alone are the times I tend to question if there is more that I could do to help others and I know that's not necessarily healthy for myself.  I often push myself beyond my breaking point in order to accomplish what I feel people need from me.  Once again I know in my head that I need to find some sort of a way to say "no" when people "need" me.  I have to determine what is within the realm of my possibility without just automatically saying that I'll do what I can do help them out.

I know that one of things that I need to realize along this journey of mine is that I am worthy and have the divine right to say that I want/need to take time for myself.  That is easier said than done for me and I know that is an internal struggle that I will have to work on for myself in order to make things happen.  I have to be my own advocate and that leaves me in unfamiliar territory.

Well, since I seem to be wandering around lost along the back roads of my own mind tonight, I am going to bring this to a close before I keep writing in circles....  To all of those aunties out there, share a piece of pizza with your nephew for me, okay?  Please....