Thankfulness

(Where did this weekend go? I even had an extra 2 days for this weekend and I still don't know where the time went....)

Tonight I want to write about "thankfulness." I know that we should be thankful year round, however it does seem to become a central focus around holiday time. First and foremost I am thankful for my family (I am also thankful for the technology that allowed me to see/talk to everyone on Thanksgiving). While we were video chatting it felt like I was in the room so that was pretty cool. Granted, there were times where it did feel a little awkward knowing that I was just there on a screen but when my nephew kissed my nose on the screen it made it worth it! =) They have been so supportive and they try to include me even though I am the family member who is so far away. That is a blessing to know that even though I am so far away, I am not necessarily the one who is "out of sight, out of mind."

I am also thankful for friends and the families I feel like I have been "adopted" into where I live. I spent Thanksgiving with my dance instructor and their friends (a couple of fellow dancers were there as well) and we spent the day filled with laughter. Even though I was slightly apprehensive about going (which is strange since that's where I spent Thanksgiving last year), I did have a good time. Maybe one of the reasons I was nervous was because they threatened to break out the karaoke machine - but luckily that didn't happen. =)

I am also thankful in this economy to have a job. Granted, my job can be stressful at times, but what job isn't. It's probably actually better for me to have a job that is at least a little bit stressful, since that means it keeps me busy, and that, in turn, makes time go faster. =) This past week, I have spent my time at work back in a classroom of 2 year-olds and that definitely made the time go fast since I was running around all over the place. Since it has been awhile since I have been in that type of classroom, I came home exhausted each day but at least my days seemed to go pretty quickly. The only day I wasn't thrilled to be in that room was Wednesday when one of the children decided to help me open one of the doors (they helped rather forcefully) and it resulted in my finger getting smashed between the metal door handle and the cement wall. Needless to say, my finger is still swollen and hurts to the touch so it does make me wonder what's going on with it (not enough for me to go to the doctor though since I HATE the doctor).

I guess I can also say that I am thankful for my heath (except for this nagging cough that won't seem to leave me alone). I know that things could be way worse for me in that sense. I have a feeling that things wouldn't be as bad for me if I went to the doctor these days (since telling me I was too overweight was often the first thing I heard from the nurse/doctor), I know that I do have my weight goal to still reach. I am trying not to be too hard on myself anymore about the weight not coming off as fast as I would like but that is still something that doesn't necessarily come natural to me. I guess that's something I still need to work on (the weight loss as well as being more positive towards how I view myself).

Another goal I have is I'm going to work towards being more thankful for the individual I am becoming. This is something that I know I need to work on since how can others around me view me in that positive light if I have trouble viewing myself in that positive way. I will work on it and see what the next few weeks/months hold in store for me. =)

Kitchen lessons?

I think I need to apply the things I am learning in the kitchen to other aspects of my life.... For those of you who are confused, ever since I first attempted to cook, I have been somewhat incompetent when it comes to cooking. Granted, I have mastered some yummy and interesting pieces but I've never been that adventurous when it comes to trying new things when it comes to food. Today, however, I tried some new things and they turned out to be super yummy! =)

I took packaged gnocchi, cooked it and added Alfredo sauce. If that wasn't yummy enough, I added a piece of garlic Texas toast to my lunch (because I added a little too much Alfredo sauce to my gnocchi). Since I didn't think of the toast until my gnocchi was cooked (and I don't have a toaster oven) I tried something kind of daring - - I put my Texas toast in a hot skillet! And it worked! It was kind of like cooking the Skillet Toast that I made awhile back. =)

I wish that other aspect of my life would turn out as easy as my lunch did.... This past week marked another post-divorce milestone - - the three year point of the wasband walking away; leaving only a letter. I thought I was doing pretty well until the day approached... I found myself having very odd dreams, tossing and turning, taking things personally that I didn't need to, and was more emotional when I found a photo of the ex. I don't know why I am still finding myself feeling these strong emotions but I know that it will just take time for me to work through all of this.

As I've said before, I know that there are those around me who wish I could just "get over" how things ended up between my ex and I but I still find that things still bother me about the entire situation. Granted, I am not at the point I was three years ago but I still have strong feelings about the situation - - they are definitely NOT feeling for him anymore. I think maybe some of it comes from all of the emotions tied to this time of year....

This is the time of year to be around family and friends. While I have my friends (some of them are scattered around the country though) but I wish I was closer to where my family is located. This is also the time of year that would have been my anniversary and the shows on TV are centered around romance for the holidays (as well as the commercials turn super sappy this time of year - - it's almost as bad as Valentine's Day).

It helps to know that no matter how I'm feeling, there are those in my family as well as my friends who only want the best for me - even if I'm not sure what that "best" is yet. Maybe that's one of the focuses I need to have for my quest - - knowing what's best for me is out there and just continue to do my best in working to whatever that may be. I also have to remember that those around me will love me regardless (even if I do need to continue to work on loving myself....).

I hope everyone has the opportunity this upcoming week to take some time and reflect what they are thankful for - I know I will be.

Progress?

Wow. I find it amazing to believe that I have been belly dancing for two years now. There are still times that feels like just yesterday I timidly entered the studio for my first lesson and look at me now! I have performed with the troupe (in I don't know how many shows), performed I don't know how many solos (including with a sword), taught belly dance class when my instructor has had to miss and have moved my way to being a front row dancer. Not too bad in my opinion! =)

I wish at times I felt as if I was making the same type of progress in other aspects of my life.... Don't get me wrong, I know that I am making progress and I'm definitely am not in the same place I was a year ago (or two or three years ago) but I guess I selfishly want more. I wish I was further along in my emotional journey but I know that will take time. Any time I feel as if I am making said progress, life seems to get in the way and I feel like it takes all that's in me to not take more than a step or two backwards. I do better than that some days than others...

I know that another thing for me to work on is to not sell myself short on the progress that I have made (as I have a tendency to do). I often find it easier to apologize for where I see my shortcomings as opposed to taking credit for the accomplishments that I have made. I tend to downplay what I have accomplished and I can say that I have definitely done that more in the last number of years (even when I was still married).

This is especially difficult in terms of the weight I have lost as opposed to weight that I still want/need to lose. I know that I have made tremendous progress in terms of losing weight and keeping it off, however there are still times I see the "old" me when I look in the mirror. I know that other people don't see it but unfortunately I still do. Maybe, no matter what weight goals I reach I will sometimes still see myself in the mirror that way but I just have to work towards seeing the new way as well. I think one of the things that will help is wearing clothes that actually fit as well as clothes that are more my age. I know that for work I need to buy clothes that are durable and are easy to wash but I don't have to look so frumpy when doing so. I think I just need to start getting some quality pieces (even if that means spending a little more upfront) and changing the look based on what accessories I wear with the outfit and maybe that will help. Only time will tell, I guess. (one more thing I need to start saving my pennies for...)

At least one problem that I was going to have to save pennies for has seemingly (knock on wood) corrected itself. Actually I had to change something I was doing.... I have been writing on and off about my car's check engine light coming on as I was driving. Turns out I was keeping my foot on the clutch too long, popping the clutch, and that's what was causing the light to come on. Now that I know it, I have changed how I drive and the light has (so far) stayed off. Now that I have written about it, I know that it's going to start acting up again but at least I'm prepared. Fingers crossed that it behaves itself though! =)

Well, since I have belly dancing to work on as well as a crazy busy upcoming week, I should probably sign off for tonight. We'll see what kinds of things this week has in store for me... =)

Next step...

In current book, the wasband has been a main character. In the sequel, I will be the main character. In a lot of ways that's an awfully odd concept for me. I am working on my own story and, as of right now, I am just looking at a book filled with empty pages. As an avid reader (and a writer; even if it's just my blog) and empty book can be a little disconcerting. Yes, that means it is full of possibilities, but as I've written before, sometimes too many possibilities can be an overwhelming thing.

I guess to keep it from being too overwhelming; I can look at it as I look at writing my post each week. I start with a blank document and add one word at a time. A combination of words turns into a sentence. Sentences blend together to create paragraphs and so on. That's how I have to look at my story right now. One word/one thought at a time and go from there. It's okay if I don't know how it's going to end when I start, I just have to write. And while with writing, I can hit the delete/backspace key if I don't like what I've written, I know I can't do that with life. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I am hesitating seeing the blank pages before me...

I just have to realize for myself that even if I do make a mess/mistake, all I have to do is clean-it up and move on. I don't have to let a mistake define me or who I am working on becoming (the best version of myself that I can become). I also don't have to try and erase the mistake but rather learn from it and move on from there. Besides, there is no eraser in what we call life. I know that it may not always be easy, but we were never promised that life would be easy.... It's just life. Make of it what you will... As Kermit the Frog says, "life's like a movie, write your own ending.... keep believing, keep pretending..."

He's one smart Frog. =)

I'm stealing from myself this week.... These thoughts were on my mind, appeared in my blog almost a year ago and they have really been coming back to me this week especially. I have been finding myself having a difficult time lately in the concept of me being a "blank slate" in which to write my story. Over the past number of years, I have created a persona that those around me think is who I am on the inside. After being introspective of that persona, I don't know if that's who I truly am; but it is the safety blanket persona that I have wrapped around myself. Now that I'm peeling a corner up of the safety blanket to remove it, I am encountering some resistance from within myself as well as those around me.

One of the things that I know that I need to work on is standing up for myself. In doing so, I know that will entail making a commitment to a choice I make and sticking to it - and when I do that, be willing to accept either the positive or negative consequences that come from those decisions. I have tried standing up for myself over the past few days but find myself backpedaling based on the reaction of those around me. This is the next step of my journey - making the conscious decision of standing up for myself and then sticking to that decision. I'm not 100% sure how to do that other than just making the commitment to myself and asking for those around me to help hold me accountable to said commitment.

I think a lot of my backpedaling comes from wanting to please those around me. When I put their needs ahead of my own though, is it really doing either one of us any good? Sure, those around me are getting what they want but at what expense? Up until now, rather than have to deal with disappointing those around me, I go out of my way to take care of what they need me to. I think now it might be time to be a little selfish and take care of me some. I know that there's not going to be a way for me (personally) to just give it up cold turkey but it is something I can work towards. I mean, I know that my nature is to be a nurturer (who else would willingly be a pre-school teacher?!?) so I know that I won't ever be able to stop wanting to help people but I know that it's up to me to decide who/when I'm going to help. It's all a process.

I am starting to learn that there is more to life than watching those around me live it. Now, the next step will be for me to start getting out there and living my own and not having those around me manipulate my life to make theirs easier... Wish me luck!