Saying "no"

I will be one of the first people to admit I have not learned the art of saying "no." I do consider it an art form for adults. Kids learn at a very early age how to say "NO"(and they often say it in a very loud voice) and I know from stories my parents have told me, I used to say "no" a lot. Maybe I used up all of my "no"s as a child so that's why I don't say it now... Anyway... Back to saying "no"....

I have been feeling a little like people have been taking advantage of me lately and I know that some of that would go away if I would learn the art of saying "no." I realize that we teach people how to treat us and by doing pretty much whatever people ask of me I am teaching them it's okay to walk all over me (I'm giving them permission basically). I just don't like disappointing people and I guess that's the main reason why I feel like I have become a doormat. It hasn't necessarily been big things that people have asked of me but maybe it's just been the culmination of all of the little things that has gotten to me.

Another thing that I haven't learned the subtle art of is the art of believing that I am worth it. I have been so concerned with helping those around me, that I haven't taken any time for myself, thus I am still sick. Granted I haven't coughed as much today as I have been but I don't know if that should necessarily be considered an accomplishment or not... I know that I have to learn how to take care of myself better and feel as if it's okay to call into work if I do need a day off to recuperate. I don't see myself doing that anytime soon since there's a lot going on at work right now but I need to learn how to take the time off if I feel as if I need it or I won't be able to help anyone.

As I have written about before, I have always been pretty good at helping to talk up those around me if they are feeling down. When it comes to talking up myself though, I am not good at that at all. I am my own worst critic and don't always believe in learning from my own mistakes - rather I beat myself up over them. I know, I know. I really need to stop doing that. I need to learn that not every little mistake is worth beating myself up over and I can learn from them instead.

Maybe in the process of learning how to say "no," I also need to tell myself "no" at times. I need to learn when to stop beating myself up and just realize that it's okay not to give 1010% all of the time. I guess something else I could do is rather than continuing to beat myself up, I could focus my anger/energy where it is due...

After talking about it, I think I am getting to the point where I am angry at the wasband. I am angry with him for making me feel like the entire divorce was my fault. I am angry with him for not attempting to work things out. I am angry with him for living the life that I wanted. I am angry with him for making me feel like I could just be discarded like you would something that's broken. I AM NOT BROKEN! He was one who chose to leave but that does not mean that I am not worthy of someone else's love.

Wow.... not quite sure where that came from. Maybe it's time to sign off for tonight and revisit some of these thoughts at a later date.

Perspective

Over the last week or so I have been attempting to change my perspective on a few aspects of my life. Throughout my examination, even though I do try my best to take the thought and feelings of others into consideration and try to do what I can to help those around me, I find myself afterwards wondering what else I could have done rather than focusing on what I have accomplished. Maybe due to having my allergies act up this past week (and they are trying to turn into a slight infection now I believe) has caused me to feel a bit sorry for myself. However, this evening, I am working towards shaking myself out of this...

As I was putting away some laundry today (still have quite a bit more to do but I think I'm done for the night), I started wondering to myself why I am hanging onto all of these clothes that I have that no longer fit me? That was the point that I stopped putting things away and I began to separate the clothes that no longer fit me into a laundry basket of items to donate to the Goodwill. With each article of clothing that went into the basket, I began to feel a little bit better about me and my own situation.

I put a couple of other things in the basket for donation that I'm feeling pretty good about... I unearthed a couple of stuffed animals given to me by the wasband that are going to be donated. It makes me feel good to think that they will provide hugs to children who need them rather than just being shoved in my closet or under my bed. Maybe this is one more way where I am trying to make good of a not so good situation...

While thinking about it, maybe one of the reasons I've been hanging onto some of these items is I've, once again, been trying to hold onto some part of the "old" me. I guess since it's just silly to keep hanging onto these clothes since there is no way I plan on becoming that size again, I might as well donate them to someone who will get a use out of them; especially if someone is in need of them.

Even though there are times that I wish for parts of my old life back, as a whole, that's not what I wish for anymore. I am over wanting "him" and having him in my life. Yes, someday it would be nice to have a man in my life again however, if it doesn't happen, I am learning that I can do things on my own. Do I always want to do things on my own? No. But I am learning that I can. I know that as time goes on, I will continue to find the things that I can do (and learn that it's still okay for me to look to family and friends when I need to and that doesn't make me a failure if I need that support).

I guess like the title of this post says, it's all about putting things into perspective. If you would have asked me 34 months ago (wasband left me Nov 18th, 2008) if I would be where I am now in my journey, I probably would have either laughed or burst into tears. But there are times now that I do realize that not only have I survived this whole mess but I am also thriving.

I guess with putting some of these things into perspective for myself, it's time to once again, roll up my sleeves, turn on/up the music and continue to clean up certain aspects of my life (and my apartment). Maybe the song, "I Will Survive" will be an appropriate choice. But, I think Aretha Franklin will need to wait until tomorrow because I think this Gypsy is heading to bed... Have a good week everyone! =)

Looking back

As today approached, I heard a lot of people talking (in person, on TV, on the radio, on-line) about reflecting about the past and what happened 10 years ago. I know that a lot of people had their lives directly/indirectly influenced by what happened on that September day. I fall into the category of my life being indirectly influenced...

After the event that changed so many people's lives, the wasband began to seriously consider joining the military. My brother also joined the military. My brother and the wasband met and then after some time, my brother introduced me to the wasband. Now, I know that me meeting the wasband and everything that happened after the fact is nothing in comparison to what other people experienced after that day but it has caused me to do a lot of thinking.

I know that in our lives, we make choices everyday. Some of these choices are simple (such as what am I going to wear or what am I going to eat for dinner) and some choices are more complex (such as taking a job, moving, going on a date, etc) but the point being that they are all choices. No one can make those choices for us; people we know and love can influence our decisions but they cannot make them for us. I know that when I am faced with a difficult decision in my life or have a difficult choice to make, I weigh my options and then I ask the opinions of my family and loved ones. I know full well that they will not make my choices or decisions for me (and it wouldn't be fair for me to ask them to or fair to me to have them make the decision for me) but their opinions matter to me.

Sometimes I find it difficult to just make a complex choice on my own because I am still struggling with one of the biggest choices of them all - - who am I/who do I want to be? There are still times that I don't have the answer to either one of those choices. Not that it was necessarily any easier when I was married (except for the biggest choice being that I was the "wasband's wife") but I did have someone to bounce ideas off of and help me through things.

I also had someone who could help give me a break from my choice of wanting to help whoever I can, however I can. I often find myself so buried under the weight that I'm carrying for my friends/coworkers/dance pals and I end up being almost unrecognizable. When I was married, I had someone who would offer to take that weight off of my shoulders, even if it was only for a short time, and give me a chance to stretch my legs so to say and not lose myself. I don't have that anymore. I don't have someone nearby to give me that break.

Some people have told me that has caused me to carry around overly "negative energy" wherever I go. Maybe it has and for that part of me wants to apologize. The other part of me doesn't want to apologize for that fact. Caring for others and helping to shoulder their load has been a part of me for as long as I can remember. With everything else I feel as if I've lost I don't want to lose that compassion for my friends on top of everything else.

So, if at times I get a little negative, that is another part of me that I will have to work on. We'll see how far that gets me.......

Yawn...

It has been another long week and another exhausting weekend. I had a very busy week at work (filled with some long meetings), had a late night on Friday (I'm the one who now oversees our Date Night for parents), and then had to be up early yesterday for two dance performances. We had an early call to get ready to dance on a parade float and we then performed at the county fair in the afternoon. At the fair performance, I danced all through all of the songs except one (it was a fellow dancer's solo) and I danced my sword solo again.

The stage that we danced on for the fair was so hot that we burned the bottoms of our feet and some of us also got splinters in our feet as well. I guess now might be the time to seriously look into getting some dance slippers for performances such as these for "just in case." Performances like this one is just to be used as a dancing experience. Yesterday was also a good example of something my dance instructor tells us - - the more you dance, the number of mistakes you make increases exponentially. It's been quite some time since I've made that many errors during a performance, but I kept dancing and was able to keep a smile on my face the whole time and those are the things that are the most important. We have some other performances coming up in the next month (3 in the next month to be exact) so I will have the opportunity to redeem myself. =)

Something that I was able to accomplish today makes me pretty impressed with myself... My laptop was running really slow so I decided it would probably be a good idea to get a portable hard drive to back up the data/photos from my laptop and place them on my other computer. Up until today, I wanted to chuck the hard drive against the wall because I couldn't make it work - - today I was able to make it work and I was able to back up the information that I wanted to. Yay, me! =) I am glad that I kept with it and was able to figure it out. Hopefully removing some of this data off of my laptop will make it a little happier.

Other than fighting with my portable hard drive today, I talked with my Mom and I attempted to talk to my nephew but he didn't want to talk with me over the phone. I don't necessarily blame him since he doesn't know me. Sure, there are things he knows about me and he knows that I've bought things for him but he doesn't know who his Aunt is. That makes me kind of sad. I know that he can't really know me when I live so far away but that was something that I wish I could remedy. Oh, well. Maybe one day I'll be able to live closer to family and my Nephew will get to know his Auntie.

One thing I do have to look forward to is in about 6 weeks my Mom will be coming out for a weeklong visit! Mom and I are always able to talk up a storm so I'm sure that week will be a whirlwind of long conversations, fabric buying, belly dancing and just plain fun and adventures. I'm sure the week she's here will fly by but I am really looking forward to her visiting (plus I am taking a week off of work!).

Since I have tomorrow as a vacation day from work, maybe I will attempt to do a little bit of work around my apartment because I'm sure the six weeks leading up to Mom's visit are going to be gone in the blink of an eye (especially with how busy I'm going to be with work and dance between then and now). Goodnight, all! =)