Phone calls

Have you ever noticed how a phone call or two can completely change your mood? After writing about being a fire extinguisher last week, I realized that I rely on two very important fire extinguishers in my own life - - my Mom and Dad. Even to this day, when I'm over-stressed, over-worked, over-emotional, I know that I can talk to my parents and they become my personal fire extinguishers. Sure, there are times that I need to have a mini (or a major) melt down via e-mail, but the point is, my parents on a regular basis are there for me and I hope and pray that I never forget thank them for all they do (and I truly hope that I never make them feel unappreciated for all that they do). Even though I complained some last week (okay, complained quite a bit) about being a fire extinguisher and feeling overwhelmed, I am glad that I have someone willing to be a fire extinguisher for me when I need them to be.

I also got an unexpected phone call from one of my brothers today. In the day and age of text messaging, there are times that it's just nice to get a phone call from someone and talk. There are times when I'm at home alone, I find myself talking to my dogs just so there is someone else (and I use that term "someone" loosely) to talk to. He didn't call for any particular reason and we had a nice talk. =) Like I mentioned, in a society when texting, e-mailing, social networking and technology in general has become so prevalent, it is nice at times to still receive a letter in the mail or get a phone call.

I guess, for me, it's just nice to feel connected to family even in this small way when I don't get to see them on a regular basis. A couple of weeks ago, I called to talk to Mom and I had the opportunity to talk to my nephew. I haven't got to see him in person for just over a year and a half and it was nice to be able to talk to him over the phone. =) Granted I was trying to convince him to eat his dinner (which he never did end up eating), but talking to him made me smile. Maybe I'll have to try and talk to him again some time (even if it is just to try and get him to eat his dinner). Like I said, a phone call is a way to stay connected when there are so many miles between us...

Some of you may be wondering why getting a phone call is such a big deal... Well, my phone doesn't ring very often. Most of the time it rings because I have made a phone call and someone is calling me back (or I get a phone call like I did last week reminding me of a dentist appointment). If people need to get in touch with me, I will usually get a text message or an e-mail from them. Is this my way of saying that I want my phone to ring more often? Not necessarily. I guess part of it comes from thinking back to the hours upon hours I have spent on the phone with significant others in the past. When the wasband and I were dating, we had a long distance relationship and would spend hours on the phone with each other. When I was in middle school and high school, Mom actually had to put a time limit on my phone calls so I didn't spend all night on the phone. There are times that those are the types of phone calls I miss - - the conversations that go on and on (in a good way) when you're getting to know someone. I know that eventually I may find myself in that situation again but until then, I guess I will just have to communicate with those of you out there who read this. =)

Well, since I spent the weekend working on a jacket for myself (Mom drew me a belly dancer with a sword that I put on the back of a jacket), I should probably bring this to a close and do some dishes or something before going to bed. I know I didn't say very much tonight but I just wanted to let my family know how much our phone conversations mean to me. Thanks for putting up with me!! =)

Fire extinguisher.....

Have you ever personally felt like a fire extinguisher? Not one in the literal sense but in the sense of putting out all of the "drama fires" around you? That's how I have felt this week....

There has been "drama" around every bend and people have been looking to me to put out the fires. It is all well and good that people see me as capable of assisting in putting out these drama fires however it can get taxing after awhile as well as facing the possibility of getting burned due to someone else's drama.... Granted, this goes back to me finding it difficult to say "no" to those around me - - I don't have to always be the one to help put out these fires, but I still find it difficult to utter that single syllable word - "no."

It's not that I want to say no to everyone/every situation however I know that if I don't learn to also take some time to relax, I am going to (for lack of a better term) spontaneously combust. I have come to the realization (finally) that I have to be the one to draw limits because no one else is going to do it for me. I don't have someone here to point out that I'm burning the candle at both ends. I don't have someone here to help me de-stress. I have to do those things for myself. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to do those things yet; I just know that I'm going to have to.

Something I have written about before is, I often get so caught up in trying to take care of others that I often forget to take care of myself as well. I mean, today I was sitting here at my computer attempting to get some work stuff done and the next thing I knew it was about two and a half hours later... The time didn't fly because I was so focused on my work but because I had fallen asleep at my computer. Needless to say, when I woke up, I put the work away realizing that there was really no point to work on it at home because I was obviously too burned out to truly pay as close attention to the work as necessary. I'm sure the work will get done at some point, one way or another.

I guess I just have to work one more time to find the balance in my life. Find balance between work, dance, things I need to do at my apartment, social life (wait.... what social life??), and trying to find some time to carve out for myself. I'm sure that one of these days everything will fall into place; it's just going to take a little bit more effort on my part. I know that I haven't always been the best one to carve out time for myself but I think I at least made a little bit of effort last week in taking myself to the movies. I guess too I could say that my nap today, even it if was unintentional, was also taking time for myself. Maybe it's all just about putting things into perspective.

Something else that I need to put into perspective (that is going to take some time and effort on my part) is always giving a thousand and ten percent. There are just going to have to be times when I give myself permission to give 85% and be okay with doing so. This goes back to giving myself a break on occasion so I don't completely burn out.

Maybe so I can do something for myself before going to bed, I should power the computer off for tonight and attempt to relax. We'll see if I ever remember how... =)

Hate is a strong word....

A friend of mine asked me this past week if I "hate" the wasband.... She asked me this because we were talking about him and she was going to make a comment and she stopped herself saying that she thought I must hate the wasband but shouldn't since he and I had five good years together.... It's not that I hate him. Do I have good memories of the five years we were together? Yes. But can I say the entire five years was good, I don't know... How I remember them, yes, they were pretty good - but that was my perception of them. As I've written about before, I don't know how much of our five years together was real or not.....

So, going back to the word hate.... Do I hate the wasband? No. Webster defines hate as "intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger or sense of injury; extreme dislike or antipathy." In my opinion, he hasn't earned that strong of an emotion from me anymore. Do I think back on memories of our time together with happiness and fondness? Yes and I'm sad that it ended how it did. But, after almost two years of the divorce being final, I don't believe he has earned that kind of emotion from me at this point....

Speaking of strong emotions, even though I said I wasn't going to, I have been taking some things that happened this last week personally and have been beating myself over those things. I know that I can't go back and change what happened so I should just learn from what I perceive as mistakes I made and learn from them.... At this point, I guess the teacher needs to once again become a student. If a child makes a mistake, the teacher helps them to learn from that mistake and move on. As adults, we tend to forget that (or at least I do). I tend to focus on the mistake that I made rather than learning from it. Definitely something that I need to work on. If I don't work towards helping myself learn from my mistakes, I will become stagnant in my quest and then where will I be?

If I go back to the word hate and the wasband; if I didn't learn what I did from the divorce, who knows where I would be in my life right now. My mom sent me a saying today that I'm going to use as one of my new mantras; "She wasn't where she had been. She wasn't where she was going.... but she was on her way." While I'm not in the place where I thought I would be in my life, that doesn't mean I'm in a bad place in my life. That is something that I have to remember; just because it's not where I thought I was going to be that doesn't mean I'm not headed in the "right" direction. I need to remember that progress is progress no matter if it's a lot of progress or just a tiny bit (kind of sounds like it belongs in a Dr. Seuss book...). =)

Something I did today was I took a day for me. I opted not to go to church and I took myself to the movies instead. This isn't something I would do on a regular basis but I feel like today it was just what I needed to do. I have been burning the candle at both ends and I realized today that I couldn't continue without just completely burning out. This is going to be a hectic week at work so I needed to be able to take a step back, refresh myself and prepare for what lies in store. Every so often, I need to remind myself that if I don't do things for me, I'm not going to be much good to everyone else.

We'll see what kind of progress I make in the upcoming week....

Impossibilities

As the title suggests, I am having to face some question as to what is possible/impossible to get done in an hour, a day, a week, etc... I have never been one that was able to delegate responsibilities well; that is something I am seriously going to have to work on if I am going to be able to accomplish everything that needs to be done as well as find time to relax and sleep (but with the touch of insomnia I have been facing, I should have plenty of time to get things done in the middle of the night, right?).

As I said, I think I am going to just have to get better at learning how to delegate some of my responsibilities in order to get things done as well as save my sanity. In order for me to do this, I know for myself, I'm going to have to start with small things but that's better than nothing. Maybe I just need to remember a lesson that I learned years ago from someone I worked under... She knew from her own experience that one of my ideas was going to fail. She didn't tell me before hand but waited until I failed and she then talked with me about what had happened. I learned more from the "failure" of it for myself than her telling me before hand that it wasn't going to work. I think I may need to remember that with some people I work with. I don't necessarily need to step in and "save" them beforehand, rather, help them in learning from the situation and then help them to move (hopefully) onwards and upwards from there. That's really all I can do.

There are times where I wish I could clone myself so I could accomplish everything that I need to do. But, then I think, what opportunities/experiences would I miss out on that the other "me" would get to? What people wouldn't I meet? What would I miss out in learning? With those questions, I'm better of just staying as one me and figuring out the balance that I need. Plus, what would the world do with more than one me? =)

Something else for me to work on is when to take things personally vs. slapping a smile on my face and thinking to myself, "this situation has provided me new blog material...." There are situations that I just need to take a step back and wonder if it's truly worth it to internalize it or not. I have a habit where I internalize situations and then try to let go of them later. Maybe I need to try and approach situations from the opposite perspective - - asses the situation and then worry if it is worth internalizing or not. I'm no help to myself or anyone else if I'm too stressed to function...

There are certain things that I need to accomplish to do each day/week and I need to find ways to limit my stress. I know, I know. Way easier said than done. I guess this is just one more facet to my quest. Wow... with all of these different facets, I'm going to be an interesting gem when I get closer to the end of my quest. =)

On the plus side, we had a Casbah last night (where we turned the dance studio into a nightclub) where I danced my sword solo again and I have to say that I was pretty pleased with my performance. Sure, there were parts of it that I feel as I could have done better but I was overall pleased with it. When I was done, several people told me that they could tell I truly love to dance from the expression that was on my face as I was performing. That was definitely good to hear. I have to remind myself that each time I have the opportunity to perform, I just need to go out there and do my best and that's all there is to it. Yet another facet.... =)

Well, on that note, one of the facets of my life I need to work on is relaxing a bit before bed I think so I can have a peaceful night's sleep.... Here's hoping! =)

100 posts

Where does the times go? According to my blog home page, I have written 100 posts. Really? One hundred posts? I guess if nothing else, seeing on my screen that I have written 100 posts shows me there has been a definite passage of time. I can also go back and read that I have made progress (even though I have those days that I feel as if I haven't made any progress whatsoever....).

In a lot of avenues, the number 100 is significant. In elementary schools, the 100th day of school is met with celebrations. In money, when you reach 100, you transfer coins to paper money. People watch their odometers switch over to 100. So, in my opinion, the reaching 100 posts of Gypsy's Quest is a milestone. =)

Sure, I know that I have done some ranting and raving along the way but I also hope that I have said something to reach someone out there in cyberspace (I don't always know without comments). Granted, I write for me but I do know that there are people out there who power up their computers on Monday to see what I've had to say (Good morning, Grandma!). That alone is a good feeling.

There are some days where it is difficult to believe that I have been writing for just about two years now. It is interesting for me to go back and reread some of the things that I have written over these last 100 posts. As I said, I can see that I have made progress (which, for me, is extremely important on my "bad" days). On those bad days, I can reread what I have written and I try really hard to look at things objectively, almost as if I'm reading about a character in a book.

I am attempting to look at things now as the next chapters of me. My life is still the same novel but the character of me is evolving. Not necessarily evolving in the way that I expected things to go but evolving nonetheless. I guess that's one way to look at an adventure or a quest - it doesn't always evolve in the way that you plan but then again, it wouldn't be an adventure/quest if you had all of the answers... While there are times where I'm tempted to flip to the last few chapters and see where I end up, but then again, if I did that, I wouldn't appreciate the good things as much without having to deal with the bumps along the way.

After rereading my post from last week, something that I am going to strive to work on is not being so hard on myself on a regular basis. I know that this isn't something that is going to change over night, but it is something that I am going to add to my list of goals. I am going to begin to allow myself to have off days/moments and accept that I am going to mess up along the way. But like my Mom has told me, if you make a mess of things, clean up the mess, assess the damage and move on. That's really all I can do. Yes, there are parts of my life that have been awfully messy, but I am working on cleaning those areas up and assessing the damage. We'll see where I end up in the next 100 posts. Thank you so much for reading! =)