Sleep....

Over the last two weeks or so, I have only been getting a handful of hours of sleep a night. I feel as if I've just been tossing and turning and not getting as much "restful" sleep, as I should be getting. Well, Friday night and last night, I feel as if as soon as my head has hit the pillow I have been out until my alarm has gone off. I guess I finally caught up to the sleep that has been eluding me. Thank goodness....

I'm not sure why sleep has been eluding me, I have been tired from all of the dance performances/rehearsals and from work, I haven't really been having bad dreams (that I can remember anyway), I just haven't been achieving restful sleep. But, after sleeping well for the last couple of nights, I am finally feeling better - physically and emotionally. I am hoping I haven't just jinxed myself and that I'll be able to sleep tonight as well as I have the past couple of nights... =)

Something I have thought about in my semi sleep-deprived state is that I am still allowing people to take advantage of my "people pleaser" mentality. I have one again found myself putting the wants/needs/opinions of others above my own. One such opinion came in a belly dance sword I had been looking into getting. I showed a photo of it to one of my fellow dancers and her opinion made me go with a different balancing sword over the one I was excited about getting. After thinking about my decision, going back and forth about it, and talking to someone who's opinion I value greatly (thanks, Mom!), I ordered the scimitar I wanted today! As soon as I get this new one, yes, I will be the owner of two belly dance balancing swords but they are very different from one another and I will be able to use them for very different pieces of music. I can hardly wait to get my new one in the mail and get into the studio to work with it! Maybe when I get my new dance scimitar it will help me to harness my inner "warrior" in other aspects of my life as well. =)

I am looking forward to having the day off tomorrow with nothing that I have to do. I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to spend my day off, but I am definitely looking forward to it. Sure, I could always straighten up my apartment or something along those lines but it's kind of nice to not have a "structure" for tomorrow. If there is something I choose to do, I can. If I decide to take a nap at one in the afternoon, I can. Yes, we have dance class tomorrow ("why should we close the studio just because it's a holiday?" my instructor would say), but the rest of the day is my own; hopefully I will be able to convince the dogs of that. =) I wish I could take the day to work on and off with my sword but that will have to wait until I get it.... Even though I was reading an article online today about sword dancing that you really shouldn't work with it for too long at any given period of time or you run into the risk of injuring yourself. As I told one of my brothers today, I don't want to get to that point where I might injure myself because I happen to like my body parts where they are currently located. =)

Well, since I have been writing about sleep, maybe I should bring this to a close for this evening in the hopes that sleep will come to me once again tonight. Before I close, I will send out a great big "Thank you" to the men and women, who are currently serving, have served or work for/with our Armed Forces! =)

Balancing Act

Well, this weekend, I danced my solo using a sword twice (once on Saturday and once today) and I am pleased to report that all of my body parts are intact and there was no injury to myself, others or property. =)

Yesterday's performance was my sword solo debut (even my instructor hadn't seen it yet; only a couple of people saw me working on variations of it at the studio after classes) and overall it went pretty well. The sword tried to slip off of my head once but I was able to stop it from falling all of the way off and was able to rebalance it pretty quickly.

After the performance, I asked my fellow dancers for some feedback. For the most part, everyone was very impressed with my solo but I did get a few suggestions. My instructor, for one, wanted to see me use the sword more (I only danced with it for just over a minute of a 5 minute + piece). Someone else suggested that I "dance" the sword off instead of just "getting rid of it."

Before today's performance, I took their suggestions under advisement and had worked on some new possibilities to work into my solo piece. We got to the performance today and the wind would not stop gusting! The gusts of wind did make it difficult for sword balancing (and I did have some people tell me that they didn't think I should use the sword today but just dance to my music) but I did it anyway! Granted, I did do more dancing "with" my sword rather than a lot of balancing it but I did manage to have it on my head for a bit. I also balanced it on my hip while doing a side bend and that was pretty cool. =)

I am proud of myself that I was "brave" and decide to use my sword for balancing today and didn't just put it aside because some of the other dancers said they didn't think they would do a sword dance today. Like I said, I did have to do some modifying as I went through the dance due to the wind but I still think I did a good job. Yes, I did complete a "no-no" in the eyes of my instructor because I turned my back on my audience to walk towards the stage and set down my sword in the middle of the dance when I was done with it, but I can't go back and change it now. We opted not to dance on the stage they had for us today because it was not in good shape to be dancing on (the top was slippery, the pieces were raised in some areas, some areas moved when walked on, etc.) and we danced on the concrete in front of the stage. In the middle of my solo, I couldn't really take the time to look around for a place to put my sword so I made a split second decision to put it on the stage behind me. Yes, in hindsight, I could have handed it to my instructor's husband who was sitting in the front row, but he was taking photos of our performance so I didn't want to give him the added responsibility of watching my sword. Oh, well. Things to think about for the next time....

Once again, I am attempting to extend what I am learning in belly dancing to my "normal" life as well. I do know that my life is not normal =) but I mean my life that doesn't directly apply to dance (i.e. my work - - - even though the theme of this week's lesson plan in different types of dancing from around the world - of course belly dancing will be included). I am working on finding the balance that I can bring to my life. I know that there are times I do worry about the "small stuff" and that is something I am trying to work on - not necessarily sweating over the small stuff. I guess I am questing to find balance and not lose any body parts..... We'll see if everything remains intact this week or not....

Introspective

This week I have found myself being introspective. I have found parts of me falling back into old patterns of wanting to fade into the background. It's been a busy week at work and there has been lots going on with dance so I don't know if I'm using this as my "safety mechanism" or what. I think sometimes when there is a lot going on, I find it easier to not work so hard to work and find my way out of the shadows. Maybe one day it won't be as much of an effort to not want to be invisible all of the time.

I have another busy upcoming week ahead of me though. Last night we had a dance performance that we had been working towards and this upcoming weekend we have two. One on Saturday and one on Sunday - - both performances I am doing a new solo that I have been working on. The performance on Saturday, I have known for a while that I'd be doing a solo. The performance for next Sunday, however, I just found out today that my instructor wants me to do my solo there as well. The Saturday show is a small show at a restaurant with mainly other dancers in the audience. The Sunday show, on the other hand, is at a pretty large festival held yearly in the area. I'm trying to tell myself that it is just another performance and it will all be okay - - having a little trouble convincing myself of that at the moment though... =)

At the performance last night, I found myself standing in the corner of the restaurant after my troupe had finished performing. There were no seats left at the two tables we had taken over and I didn't want to be in anyone else's way so I stood back. One of my fellow troupe members asked me why I was in the corner - my answer to them was an easy one, "(shrugs) this is my spot." It was an automatic response but I'm wondering now why that was my answer. As I've said in the past, I am trying hard to overcome some of the insecurities from my past and put myself out there a little more. I guess at times it's just easier to allow the "past me" to take over.

In a way, it is kind of ironic that when I was wearing a bigger size, I found it relatively easy to "hide" in the shadows. Now, even though I have lost the weight that I have, I am struggling to find that balance - - I don't want to lose the "old" me but I don't want to necessarily hold the "new" me back. Does that make any sense? Probably not....

I don't want the fear of my past to overshadow who I know I can potentially become. Yes, I know at times I have trouble believing in myself but that is something that I am working on. While I don't want to become all "look at me, look at me" (said in an annoyingly high, squeaky voice) but I do want to work on not being "invisible girl" anymore. I don't think that's truly who I am on the inside... Yes, there may always be a part of me who is insecure in large social settings, but I don't have to be like that all of the time.

Something else that I need to work on overcoming is allowing emotional setbacks to be so catastrophic. This upcoming week is my wasband's birthday. I'm trying not to let it overly effect me. I know that, for me, it will be easier to acknowledge it rather than ignore it but I also know that it's not something that I need to dwell on. One of my friends has suggested I take myself out that night but I may be too busy working on my dance solo for this weekend to do so. Maybe the solo performances this weekend will be the treat to myself... Just have to wait and see what the week has in store.

Well, because I have such a busy week (on lots of different levels), I should probably quit my ramblings for tonight and work on a few moves and then rest up for the insanity this week has in store. Keep smiling! =) (that's as much to my readers as to myself....)

Alike

** Disclaimer ** (yes, it feels very strange to be putting a disclaimer on here but I think it's needed) =) The disclaimer - - no, my Mom didn't put me up to this and she has no prior knowledge to what I am writing about today..... I love you, Mom!

Growing up, I often heard how much I look like my Mom. I still do (I even have the same wrinkle forming in between my eyes that Mom has). Now, I've decided that not only do I want to look like my Mom, I want to be my Mom when I grow up... =)

While there was a period of time that Mom and I didn't get along so well, looking back now, I'm wondering if it's because we were more alike than I wanted to admit... Deep down, I have always admired my Mom. There are four kids in my family (and there is only a 6 year age difference between the oldest and the youngest!) and Dad had to travel on and off for work. Growing up, some people thought it had to be nuts growing up in a family with kids that close together, but it was nice to always have someone to play with. While it was nice for us to always have someone to play with, I know that it wasn't always easy on my Mom.

Even though there were the four of us, Mom always made sure to give us individual attention and treat us as the individuals we were (we are even more individual now than we were then). She always made the time for us and made us feel special (even if it was just drawing a cartoon of us on our brown paper bag lunches the days we had a field trip - - I miss those lunch bags!).

As we grew up, Mom went out of her way to be there for us as well. Long nights on-line trying to find big enough cleats to fit the feet of a giant football player (youngest brother)... trying to figure out how to keep running shoes on the feet of the other boy in the family who liked to run out of shoes while running cross country.... making costumes for me or my sister.... cooking dinner for us all nightly.... helping with homework.... and all of the other things that we may have taken for granted growing up... My Mom was SuperMom and she still is! =)

When I was a teenager, I thought that Mom and I would never see eye to eye on anything. That wasn't because of her but because of me. I went through a phase where I had a large chip on my shoulder and Mom was unfortunately my target. Looking back, I regret being so hard on her but I also know that period of time helped make us as close as we are today.

Not many people can say this, but I got to go to college with my Mom. She had always wanted to be a teacher but left college when she got married and had kids; always with the plan to go back to school. She didn't have the opportunity to go back to school until my junior year of college. She and I took many of the same classes and while lots of our peers thought it would be weird to be in school with their Moms, it offered Mom and I the opportunity to grow closer together. Going to school with Mom offered me the chance to see her apart from just being my Mom but her own person apart from her job as Mom.

As I've gotten older, I have begun to appreciate looking like my Mom. Like I said, while I've always looked like her on the outside, I want to be more like her on the inside as well. My Mom is a strong individual and helps to keep me grounded (no, not the sitting on the steps kind of grounded). =) She wanted to go back to college and did. In the last few years, she has gone to ballroom dancing, belly dancing, is signed up to take a class on how to play the ukulele, she is a fabulous costume designer/creator, she is a great Oma and she still goes out of her way to help her kids (even though we're all 'grow-ed up' we still go to Mom when we need help).

Mom, thank you for always being there for me, even if it's just listening to me rant and rave and being insane over some small insignificant thing. Mom, I wish I could put more into words what you mean to me and how appreciative I am of everything you've done for me and all you continue to do for me (I hope I didn't embarrass you too much!). I love you, Mom! =)

Middle of the Bed

This past week, I made a conscious effort to sleep in the middle of the bed every night. I started doing this right after the wasband left, but over time, I have gravitated back to one side of the bed. Because a certain someone had been invading my dreams, I thought maybe I just needed some sort of change of pace and thought maybe the dreams would go away. Moving to the middle of the bed worked! He stayed out of my dreams all week and I actually slept. It was very nice to get a week of restful sleep. I'm hoping the trend continues....

Maybe sleeping in the middle of the bed offered me a bit of balance in my sleep. Balance is something that I am attempting to restore in my life. I figure this may be a good thing - especially considering the next belly dance prop I am thinking of purchasing. I am looking into getting a balancing sword to use when dancing. I think it will go well with a piece of music I am playing around with as well as improve my posture/movement isolation during dance. We'll see. Even though the blade is dulled, hopefully I don't injure myself with it... =)

Another aspect of balance concerns dance as well. We have a lot of upcoming performances and I hope that I don't burn out because of all of them. While I still love dance class and performing, I don't want it to become one more thing in my life that I feel like I have to do. Plus, as Mom pointed out today, if I keep going full speed ahead with everything, I'm going to get injured and then where will I be? I'll have to take time off of work possibly and take time off of dancing..... So, my best bet, would be not to get injured, right? =)

Aside from all of the upcoming dancing, I have lots going on at work this week. We have our big Mother's Day celebration this coming Friday and rather than go the traditional Mother's Day "tea party" route, my classroom is having a luau for our Mom's. We are hoping/praying for lots of sunshine so we can have the event on the playground and can use the sandbox. The alternative of having an indoor luau just isn't as appealing in my opinion. =) We'll just have to wait and see if the weather decides to cooperate with all of our plans or not...

Well, since I am working on finding balance in different aspects, I am going to work on a list of items that I am going to accomplish for the luau this week as well as things that I am going to ask my co-teacher if she can accomplish. See, balance! =) We'll see if the list turns out lopsided to my side or not.... I'm a work in progress, okay?? =) Have a great week!!