Gonna wash that man right outta my hair....

I've been thinking about that song from South Pacific quite a bit this past week or so. I think it's time to apply it to my life.... I'm at the point now where I need to stop having the wasband dictate MY life. He's been invading my dreams once again and I am ready to find a way to kick him out once and all. Yes, he at one point, was an important focus of my life... Key word there - was. He decided to walk away so I need to find a way to walk away as well. While I know that point in my life (the good times as well as the bad) have brought me to where I am today, but I don't need to allow him to dictate my life now. I get to be who I want to be (even if who I want to be is still in question...).

I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to wash the wasband out of my hair, but maybe just thinking about it is a start. I really do want to move beyond this point but there are days that's easier said than done. I wish it could be as simple as washing him out of my hair.... I guess all I can really do is keep taking it a day at a time and putting one foot in front of the other.

One of the things I may also need to do is something that my dance instructor said this past week. She said, "don't go into your head alone. It's a scary place and you could get lost in there alone. Remember, the voices in your head are NOT cheerleaders! They only say things to tear you down! Don't let them win!" This is something that I really do need to try and work on - I often will over analyze things that are said to me as well as listen to the voices in my head telling me that I'm not good enough. She's right. Those voices aren't my cheerleaders. There are times where I wonder if those voices are just trying to distract me from the different aspects of my personal quest...

Even though I have said it before, I need to be a little bit selfish. This is a concept that I have been finding it difficult to achieve... I am constantly trying to go out of my way to help other people (whether it be to help them personally or professionally) and I lose sight of myself and my needs along the way. Because I am spread thin and overworking myself, my dreams have been invaded and his (the wasband's) voice is pointing out my flaws again. So, like I said, I'm to the point where I really do need to wash him right outta my hair....

Maybe part of these feelings come from today being a holiday and everyone being at my parent's house but me (my sister, her husband and their son; my brother; my other brother and his wife). With being almost 2400 miles away, I know that me being there was an impossibility, but that doesn't mean that I didn't want to be there. It also got me thinking about the family traditions that go along with this time of year. I know that everyone has their own family traditions (most that other people don't understand at all, some you don't even understand and you're part of the family!) but I wish that I could have been with my family. Granted, I did my own version of some of our family traditions but there is something about being with family...

At least when I'm missing my family, I do have my little doggies to show me unconditional love. I think that I am going to bring this to a close and snuggle with the doggies some before going to bed. Maybe take a shower and work on washing that man right outta my hair before bed as well.... =)

Baby steps.....

I took myself out of my own comfort zone yesterday - - I went clothes shopping and I didn't go with items I would usually buy. I know that most members of the female species LOVE to go clothes shopping; I'm not one of them.... For a long time, I have bought clothes that were too big or settled on jeans and a T-shirt (or sweatshirt depending on the weather). When I went shopping yesterday, I looked at clothes that I wouldn't have necessarily looked twice at, let alone try on. In the first store I went to, I enlisted the assistance of one of the sales people, explained where I work as well as my general feeling of the clothes I wear (that in the past, I have used them to hide how I look but am working on feeling more comfortable in my body) and asked if she could help me pick out some things to try on. Granted, quite a few of the articles of clothing that I tried on, I didn't end up getting but I at least tried them on. Baby steps...

The items that I did end up buying are pieces that I will be able to mix and match some with things already in my closet. The tops that I bought are tops that I can wear with a pair of jeans to work or dress up some to go out at night. I also got a pair of black crop pants that I can wear to work with a pair of flat shoes or throw on a pair of wedge sandals and go out in the evening. Just trying to think out of my own box some when it come to clothes....

After I got home from my shopping excursion, the strangest urge to clean came over me. I did several loads of laundry (including a load of dog bedding and a load of my own bedding, kitchen towels and bath towels, and two loads of clothes) and then put everything away. I cleaned my kitchen, put away all of the laundry when it was finished and did some other random cleaning. While my apartment is relatively small, I worked for a number of hours and still have lots more to do. Unfortunately, I didn't really do any of the work today.... Oh, well. There is always next weekend.

I've been thinking some about what I wrote about last week. While I'm still thinking about past/future decisions, a friend of mine pointed something out to me yesterday - - rather than focus on all of the steps down the line, focus on the next step so each step doesn't seem like I'm stepping off a cliff each time a decision needs to be made. I was also told that people are starting to talk about why I feel such a need to be a people pleaser; especially towards people that don't really care if I am going above and beyond. I guess I didn't understand why my almost obsession with people pleasing is a topic of conversation...

I don't see myself as trying to be a people pleaser to everyone but maybe that's how I come across regardless. I guess I feel as if I don't give 100% that 1) who else is going to get the task done? 2) that I will be a disappointment to others and myself - mostly to others.... The second reason is more pressing to me than the first. Yet another reason why I feel guilty in taking time off of work...

In the past two and a half years, I have taken more care in what people think of me. Up until the wasband left, I cared what certain people thought of me and my actions (mostly close friends and family); everyone else earned my famous teenage catch phrase, "whatever!" complete with eye-roll (Dad, I know that you were thrilled when I outgrew saying that to almost everything!). Now, I care more about what my family and close friends think along with almost everyone else.... I guess because my marriage dissolved and the wasband just left, I feel like my actions are being judged by others around me (even if this is all just in my head).

Something else for me to work on, I guess... I also need to remember to celebrate the small accomplishments I do make, regardless if anyone else would find them to be silly or not; accomplishments are accomplishments...

Kindergarten....

When trying to reinvent yourself, where do you start? Do you begin with trying to figure out what you want out of life; what you would like the end result of your transformation to be? How do you go about changing yourself without upsetting those around you? Maybe that's part of why I just stay the same - - - I put the needs of others before my own wants/needs. Another reason I stay the same I think is because I'm not entirely sure who/what I want to be yet....

Thinking back, maybe it partly has to do with a choice I made in Kindergarten. When most Kindergartners are learning to get along with one another, write their names and learn their ABC's and 123's, I decided in Kindergarten that I wanted to be a teacher and have been doing that (in some form or another) for most of my adult life. It's not that I ever want to pass up the opportunity to teach a child something new or to help them reach their potential but is that all I'm meant to do with my life? Don't get me wrong, I LOVE teaching but there are times I wonder if I'm not reaching my own potential.... I know that may be weird circular logic but here I am.....

There are times where I have thought I should help teachers become the best teachers they can be, but then when I have interviewed for those positions, I don't hear back after the interview. So I'm not sure if that's not what I'm supposed to do or just not now. There have been other times when I've thought about going back to school to train to become a child psychologist and help children with their problems. That dream however would take time (since I have a full time job and finding time to study with dancing would take a balancing act) and quite a bit of money (which I don't have right now). So I guess that dream may need to go on the back-burner too.

This past week in my classroom, we used our imaginations all week and looked at different aspects of our imaginations. During the week we were animals/bugs, princesses/princes/dragons/witches/wizards, robots, pirates, and superheroes. We encouraged the kids to imagine what ever they wanted to be. Maybe that's where part of my unrest comes in. Like I said, when I was in Kindergarten, I loved my teacher and I decided then and there that that's what I wanted to be - no other occupation was ever more important to me than that (other than being a full time Mom). Growing up, I heard my friends change their minds a hundred times about what they wanted to be when they "grew-up." Maybe I just haven't "grown-up" yet, despite the fact that I am an adult. While I didn't change my mind growing up, I am looking at some of my different options now (whether they are feasible or not).

I do know that no matter what avenue I may take, I will always want to help children (as well as adults) learning something new or continue to work on an ongoing skill. I think I need to apply that to myself as well.... I need to continue to work on encouraging myself to be the best me that I can (even if I stumble along the way). Whether I stay a teacher or become something else, the constant of me will remain the same. If I don't like/love myself, how can I expect someone else to? Maybe that's a topic for another day though.....

What a year it's been.....

I know that the first Sunday in April may not hold significance to everyone but it is significant to me.... On the first Sunday in April, one year ago, I saw the wasband for the last time and said "good-bye" to him (after that point, we were in communication via text message only and I haven't heard from him at all since August). Looking back on some of my old posts, I am amazed at all of the things that I have gone through in a year... In the past year:

• I danced my first belly dance solo in my first of many costume pieces Mom has made this year (THANK YOU, MOM!)
• I have learned a lot about what can go wrong with a car and what actions need to be taken to repair said vehicle
• I have continued my weight loss journey (even though I don't always see it, I can tell my body is still changing due to how my clothes are fitting)
• I have found numerous routes to places in my local area
• I have participated in many dance performances and danced numerous solos since that first one
• I have entertained my parents and my brother at different points and had different adventures with them when they visited
• I had the opportunity to go whale watching for the first time and loved it
• I have sold my wedding jewelry and closed that chapter of my quest
• I have continued my quest through my actions and personal introspection

This list is only the tip of the ice burg of what I have accomplished in the last year. Even though at times I feel as if I am irrevocably screwed up, I can see that I am making progress. While the progress may not always be to the speed of my liking or even the direction that I would like it to go, progress is progress.

Another way that I have made progress is I stood up for myself this week in terms of getting my glasses. I had an estimated delivery date and have been getting the run around from the store since then. Today I went into the store (because telephone calls have not been returned at this point) and ended up talking to the supervisor on duty. Because of my dissatisfaction, he offered to personally track down my lenses tomorrow with the assistance of the lens tech manager and he would call me tomorrow. He also gave me a 25% refund of the price of my glasses. I thanked him but did tell him that if I didn't like the answer I get tomorrow about my lenses, I am going to be requesting a full refund and going elsewhere for my glasses. We'll see what I find out come tomorrow....

This past week has been a combination of emotions for me. I think some of it stems from being another milestone in the wasband saga. While there are times it feels like yesterday this whole mess started, I can see by my own milestones the passage of time. I know that I'm nowhere near the end of my journey but I am still on said journey and that's a good thing in my opinion. Years ago, I may have run away from this type of quest/journey/challenge. Now, I am working on facing it as head on as I can. Yes, there are times where I may be blindsided by an aspect of my quest but I am standing my ground (or at least, I'm working on that).

I guess all I can do is see what my next milestone might be...