Being a friend

I was reminded of something this past week. The idea of friendship.... I have always strived to be a good friend towards others (and I do think I am a pretty good friend). When it comes to being a friend to myself, not so much.... I am definitely my own worst enemy rather than a support system for myself.

It is interesting to think about how to change the way I treat myself. I tend to go out of my way to help others but I don't always do the best job at going out of the way for myself. I don't tend to treat/pamper myself (a lot of that comes from not always having extra spending money) but I try to help others how/when I can... I don't want to become completely narcissistic or anything but I know that I do need to start thinking about myself every now and then. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to accomplish that but it's something that I am going to start doing.

I also know that I need to stop beating myself up over my past mistakes. It is something that has always come semi-natural to me - think worst-case scenario when it comes to what might happen to me and then when I do make a mistake, focus on the error rather than how to change it next time. That is something else that I know that I need to work on... I have to learn how to take things in stride rather than automatically jump to worst-case scenario and doom/gloom.

Maybe it comes from wanting to wear too much black as a teenager or something... =) I think most of it comes from attempting to steel myself before the "bad" happens to keep from getting hurt. I know that some hurt (speaking emotional hurt not physical) is inevitable even if I do steel myself. I guess I would just rather prepare for the worst-case scenario so that it's not a surprise. I think I need to realize in my head as well as my heart that not everyone is going to hurt me and that every situation is going to cause me emotional pain.

I have to learn to trust in myself and in my decisions so that others around me will do that as well. I know that I also have to work on being a better friend towards me so I can be a better friend of others.

Them vs. Me

I think I am losing the "them vs. me" battle.... I have been a people pleaser for most of my life (if not my whole life, most of my adult life) and in doing so, I have lost sight of some of the things that I think I would like. If and when possible, I will go out of my way to help other people even if that means putting things I want to do on hold. It's not that I don't want the people in my life to be happy but I want me to be happy as well. I feel at times that my efforts in helping others have forced "me" to take a back seat. Yes, I dance for me, but even certain aspects of my dancing are for others...

I feel like so many different people depend on me (and I'm not saying that to be cocky, just to state what my perception is) that if I say 'no' to someone, they are going to be disappointed in me. And while I know that I have disappointed people in my past, I don't like people to be disappointed in me or in my actions. But, I guess that's a part of balance that I need to work on...

For some reason or another, it has been my experience that I'd rather disappoint myself than someone close to me. Maybe that's one of the reasons I took my divorce so hard; I feel as if I disappointed myself but worse than that I disappointed my wasband, his mother, my parents, our siblings, our mutual friends, etc. I guess you could say I have been dealing with the guilt of that since he left more than two years ago. And it's not that I'm looking for pity (believe me, I have given myself enough of that to last a whole lifetime), I'm just offering an insight into "me."

But maybe that's part of it. Before I can offer others a glimpse into who I am/want to be, I have to forgive myself first. I have to find a way to offer myself forgiveness for my past choices/mistakes in order to work towards my future. I do realize that this is not something that will be accomplished overnight but I do believe that this is something that I need to add to my personal quest.

I know that I don't need to stop helping others but I don't need to feel as if my wants/needs are inferior to anyone else's. I guess that if I want other people to stop treating me as if I'm invisible, I have to stop treating myself as someone who is invisible... Maybe if/when I can do that, the scales will tip in my favor....

Being Introspective.....

In the last couple of weeks, I have had a repeat of the dream I wrote about a few weeks ago. For a reminder, the dream was....

My belly dance troupe had a performance on New Year's Eve and I danced a new solo as well as participating in all of the troupe dances. In my dream, I was in the middle of my solo when the wasband approached me holding a samurai sword. He used the sword to stab me in the knee saying that if I wouldn't dance for him, I would never dance for anyone else again....

Well, because I would always wake-up from the dream at that point, the other day, I told myself that if I had the dream again, I had to stay asleep and finish the dream. After telling myself that, I did have the dream again and I was able to finish it. My Mom had given me a suggestion and I used that to complete the dream....

After he stabbed me in the knee, he said again that if I wouldn't dance for him, I would never dance for anyone else again... I removed his sword from my knee and stabbed him with it and I told him "I never have danced for you, I don't dance for you... I dance for ME!" At that point, he disappeared and I continued to dance and dance and dance...

Since completing the dream, I haven't had it since. I am proud of myself for being able to stand up to the wasband even if it was only in my dreams. I think having this dream is one more step in the direction of me getting over him. Actually, I'm hoping that this is one step closer to me getting over him. It's been over two years and there are times where memories of him still haunt me...

I know that my time with him (both the good times and the bad times) have helped bring me to the point in my life where I am now and also to the person that I am currently becoming. However, it still bothers me on some level on how he chose to end things. I know that I couldn't and still can't control his actions, I can only control myself, but there are times where I still become sad/angry with how he left. I'm not sure if part of these feelings are ones of a selfish nature. I have been thinking about the possibility of dating and I've been wondering if my past relationships (especially the one with my wasband and how he left) will make that future 'someone' question being with me.

Maybe I am just giving him too much power over me one more time. I really do want to get to the point where I am able to move on with my life. I know that some would tell me that in order to do so, I would actually have to get out of my apartment other than to just go to work and dance class in order to meet someone..... That's a thought that I'm working through. There were times where I shuddered at the thought when my Dad joked about just arranging a marriage for my sister and I.... Now, at times, it doesn't seem like such a bad idea... (Dad, I'm joking!!! I am NOT looking for you to arrange a marriage for me!) =)

I guess I will just have to continue to be introspective. Sorry if this post has been a little (or more than a little) disjointed. I am fighting a cold and have been under some stress from work...

It's quiet........ Too quiet.......

After having my parents visit me for a week, my apartment is now way too quiet. I absolutely loved having them here and was very sad to see them have to go home (I have always hated 'good-byes' and having my parents leave after their visit was very difficult for me). I guess before they came, I didn't realize how quiet my apartment can be when it's just me sitting here. Yes, I often have the TV on (even if it's just on for background noise) or I have the washer and/or dryer going but it's not the same as having someone to talk to, someone to laugh with. When my parents were here, we laughed and talked a lot.

I know that other people think it, but my parents definitely make me feel as if they are my biggest supporters. That's one of the reasons why I talk to my parents (at least) once a week. While it would be nice to be able to see them on a regular basis, but it does help me to talk with them on the phone.

There were lots of things that we did out of the apartment while they were here as well... We walked/explored the beach on a VERY windy day (which made it cold but also made it so the beach was not crowded at all) which allowed some very cool pictures of waves crashing upon the sand and rocks.

My belly dance troupe had a gig on New Year's Eve and that was the first time my parents saw me dance in person. It did add to my nerves some I think but I also think it also helped push me to do my best. I loved the photos that my Dad took (he even took a short video on his camera as well which was neat). Another thing that was wonderful about that night is my Mom danced with us in the processional that the troupe participated in. Even though the processional was only a few short blocks, by the time we reached the end, it felt as if we had danced an entire performance. Even though we were tired, it was a great night overall.

Another day, we went to the local aquarium (which was lots of fun) and did some touristy things. The following day, we went out whale watching. The whale watching was AWESOME!! We saw gray whales, dolphins, jellyfish, sea otters, and sea lions. I had wanted to go whale watching in the past but just never have. It was great to go out onto the ocean with my parents (and the other people on the boat) and just enjoy the experience. When things get overly stressful, I just might have to go and experience that again.

My parents also helped me rearrange a lot of things in my apartment to make it feel more like a "home." My parents bought/assembled two shelving units for me and I have displayed some of my photos and my knick-knacks. These are things that I have had in boxes in almost a year and a half. It is nice to see them again. While I still have quite a bit of my stuff in boxes, it does make it feel a little less like warehouse living to now have some of these things out of boxes.

Because my parents helped me to get my apartment together, the next step will be to open my place up to friends or have a girl's night or something here. While it won't be the same as having my parents out here again, it'll be nice for it to not be so quiet in my apartment again.

Even though my parents just left (and I know that they needed to get back to their lives) I'm already looking forward to the next time they might be able to visit... Or maybe someone else from my family to visit...

Just goin' through the motions.....

Well, we made it through another year and a lot has happened..... As the year came to a close (and a new year beginning), I decided to get a little introspective.

I apologize for my last several blog postings where I have just been "goin' through the motions" when it comes to my musings. I have been doing the same in my life in the last month or so as well it seems.

I know that I've written before about not necessarily wanting to be invisible anymore but I seem to have slipped back into that old pattern. There are times where I feel that if I talk, people don't listen (even if they ask my opinion) and other times that if they do hear what I have to say, it's immediately discounted because I am the one who said it. After enough moments such as these, it makes it very easy to slip back into old patterns of invisibility. When that happens, I tried to fight those feelings for awhile but I am unfortunately finding that it is just way less effort (and heartache) if I just slip back to being invisible or just go through the motions.

In the last few weeks, I have also found myself quoting the views of my wasband as if his views are still my own. I need to remind myself that he no longer has any hold on me whatsoever. It probably didn't help that I had a weird dream about him the other night.... My belly dance troupe had a performance on New Year's Eve and I danced a new solo as well as participating in all of the troupe dances. In my dream, I was in the middle of my solo when the wasband approached me holding a samurai sword. He used the sword to stab me in the knee saying that if I wouldn't dance for him, I would never dance for anyone else again.... The dream really affected me for some reason and I'm still trying to work out the meaning behind it; especially since I wasn't a belly dancer at all when I was with him.... Having this dream didn't help calm my nerves before my solo.... It also didn't help make me feel overly visible. I need to work on not letting him have this kind of power over me anymore... I need to take the proverbial sword away from him and not allow him to stab or chip away at me anymore... I'm not quite sure how I'm going to do it but it is definitely something for me to work on.

Yes, I realize that I am making myself feel this way but I guess I am allowing my wasband to still manipulate me as well; even if it is indirectly. Because I have allowed him this power over me still, I have been trying to go through the motions at work, my blog writings, and it feels like my life in general; I've just been trying to 'exist.' Even though I have been making personal strides forward, there are times where I don't feel as if I've been doing enough (I don't know if any of you out there reading this have noticed but I am more than just a bit hard on myself). I'm not necessarily expecting perfection from myself (since, as I've written before, I don't believe that the idea of perfection necessarily exists), I just expect a lot out of me.

I think part of it too may have to do with seeing others around me achieving things that I want out of life both personally and professionally and I'm not obtaining the goals in which I have set for myself. Maybe it's because I'm expecting too much out of myself that I am finding difficulty in achieving said goals. I think I need to consider setting small, obtainable goals rather than lofty ones so I can see that I am making progress. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I will keep some of my lofty goals (why not reach for the stars at times?) but I also need to set some smaller goals to help not get so easily discouraged.

I need to remind myself about finding joy along the journey of life. The destination isn't important (we all know what our inevitable demise is going to be at some point) but what is important is the journey along the way. This is something that our fearless leader of the dance troupe reminded us of this past week, that the journey of the movement is what's important, not the destination. She reminded us that this aspect of dancing could be applied to life as well. I will just have to work on that in the upcoming weeks; finding joy in the journey along the path in front of me.

I wish all of you a prosperous and joyous New Year! I also wish you luck in your own personal journeys along this path called life....