Sitting in the airport.....

(written very late 28 December; posted 29 December)

Well, here I am, sitting in an airport.... AGAIN..... I feel like I just finished living in the airport and I find myself sitting in one for another million hours. Okay, I won't really be here for a million hours but I have a feeling it will feel like it...

When I went to visit family over Christmas, my original flight was cancelled and I was told I could fly out of the local airport in two days or travel to an airport an hour to the north the following day. I opted to go to the other airport. But because my original flight was changed, I ended up sitting in the Chicago airport for approximately 12 hours. The waiting was good and bad. It was good because I watched a couple of movies on my iPad. It was bad in the sense that the only other people I saw overnight in the airport were cleaning/airport crew; so that was kind of creepy. Oh, well. I survived and it was definitely an "experience."

Now I find myself sitting in the Chicago airport overnight again but it will only be for approximately 9 hours tonight. For the moment, there are quite a few people sitting in the area around me and I think I even overheard someone say they will be on the same flight I'll be on in the morning. I guess I'll just have to wait and see if there are other travelers spending the night in the airport like I'll be tonight...

My visit with family was, as always, too short. Even though I got to spend time with the local family members, I wish I could have spent more time with each and every one of them; especially my now four-year-old nephew. Although I spend time with children all day every day, it was so much fun to play with him I think because it's been two years since I've seen him and he's changed so much since I've seen him. From growing up far away from my aunts and uncles I was used to that myself but it was hard realizing that he didn't really know me nor I him. Maybe one day circumstances will be such that I can be closer to him and any other nieces/nephews that come along.

While it is my hope to not get so wrapped up in "life" when I get back that it seems as if I didn't get a vacation, I don't know if that will be possible or not. When I get back (if nothing has been delayed), I will have six hours to shower, eat, relax before a dance rehearsal for a performance that will take place on New Year's Eve. In this performance, we are dancing in a processional (we can't call it a "parade") and then three half-hour shows. In those shows, I will be dancing all but one dance and one of those dances will be me performing a sword solo.

If that isn't going to keep me busy enough, I have another sword solo a week later at a performance that is by invitation only. I am equally nervous and excited about the performance at this point. I'm sure that it will all work out and go well but with some of the other dancers on the program it does make me nervous. I guess I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm a unique dancer and not to compare myself to anyone else but for me, that is WAY easier said than done. Maybe I can take some of my time in the airport to reflect on that....

On that note, I am going to bring my writing to a close before I get too tired and to be sure I'll have more to write about on Sunday. =)

Hopefully the rest of my travels will go well; especially since I have rehearsal tomorrow night. Wish me luck with all of my upcoming adventures....

Too many hours

Dear Readers,

Over the past couple of days, I have spent way too many hours awake and in too many different airports in an effort to spend some time with family over the holiday season. Due to these set of circumstances I am unable to string coherent thoughts together to create my post for the week as of right now. I will attempt again after having caught up on some sleep.

I hope you have had the opportunity to spend time with loved ones during this joyous of holiday seasons and I wish you all a very Merry Christmas!!

=) Gypsy

I feel like a bounce ball....

I feel like the last couple of weeks that I have been bounced around so much that I feel like one of those bounce balls that you drop on the floor and then they go every which way and you have to crawl under a table to find it. For as many times as I've been under that table (metaphorically speaking), I feel like I'm now covered in some fuzzies, dirt, and the piece of a Cheeto that fell on the floor that no one bothered to pick up... Yes, I know that is kind of a weird comparison but it's how I feel.

Things have been interesting at work so I've been needed in lots of different places and I don't necessarily know where I'm headed from day to day (or from hour to hour depending). Granted, I know that some of that is now built into my job description but it does get hard to brush the fuzzies/dirt/Cheetos off after awhile. Maybe I just need a break from my day-to-day insanities (not just at work but in my outside of work activities as well).

Don't get me wrong; I love dancing and I do enjoy my job, however, maybe I do just need a change of pace and a change of environment. It's probably a good thing that work is closed for our annual vacation next week as well as the studio being closed. I know that with the studio being closed, I will have to put in some work at home (which I need to do since I have several upcoming solo performances) but I'm okay with that. I think maybe I just need to change things up a little and give myself a different perspective.

Maybe along with that different perspective I'll be able to continue along my journey. Actually in one way that I made major strides along my journey this week... Someone at work asked me something about my ex (using his name) and my actual response was "who?" It was kind of a mixed feeling after I thought about it. I know that on one hand it is a sign of my personal growth and distance from my situation however, I also felt slightly horrible about it too since I was with him for all that time. But I guess that I need to focus on the good of the situation - the fact that I am continuing to move on.

Some of the feelings of being a bounce ball could have to do with the time of year and the upcoming holidays. These are some of the times that I feel lonely. Yes, it's nice to have the unique extended family that I do but there is something different about having a significant other at this time of year. Oh, well. Maybe next year...

I am thankful for my unique extended family and the fact that they are here to support me wen my family isn't readily available. I know that my family is just a phone call away (and I call them often) however, it is nice to go out with members of my unique family if I just need an evening away from things going on in my life.

Well, this bounce ball has some things that need to be accomplished before bouncing off to bed in preparation for the unexpected paths ahead of me in the upcoming week. =)

Lots to do....

I have once again found myself at the end of the weekend and wondering where the time went.... Friday night I went out to dinner with a belly dance gal pal and then I helped her pick out a really cute pair of shoes (and I bought myself a scarf - I have started to wear scarves lately to change my "look"). =) Then, on Saturday, I went to dance class, FINALLY got my haircut and picked up a couple of things at a nearby mall. I just went and wandered around for a bit and it was nice to be out of the house for a while, watching the hustle and bustle of holiday shoppers. Then, today, we played hand bells at church and then I went and did some Christmas shopping of my own. When I came home this afternoon, I ran laundry through the washer and dryer, but of course I haven't done anything else with it. I really HATE doing laundry....

It's funny sometimes. There are some household chores that I don't mind doing, however, I don't always keep up on them because who am I trying to impress? I'm never home and my dogs don't seem to care (as long as they have food in their bowl and they get the occasional treat and tummy rub). There are times where I really do have the best of intentions to keep things picked up around here but then, before I seem to know what happened, things are all over the place again. It's kind of ironic that it happens, since, once again, I'm hardly ever home. I guess that's something that I should resolve to work on in the upcoming year... Since I am hardly home, I should really make an effort to put things away when I use something because who honestly knows when I'll have the opportunity to find time to put it away again....

I have been doing some thinking this past week (I know, scary, right?). I think along the road to finding myself I have made several wrong turns. I have avoided some of the rest stops along the way to help myself but have used the on ramps towards helping others. Granted, I have found the way back to the road of finding myself but sometimes a little worse for wear because I have expended so much energy towards others. Not that I want to stop helping others - I don't think I'll ever stop wanting to help others. However, I do need to remember that I'm important too. (Now that I've written this, I have taken a brief break from writing to paint my fingernails. They are bright blue but that's what makes them fun.)

I do have to remember to remind myself that I do have to make time for myself along my journey otherwise I'm not going to be able to help anyone. Because I am so busy with things, I often find myself helping others in my "down" time. I need to remember to make time for myself as well; even if it's just taking the time to paint my finger/toe nails a fun color.

Another thing I am going to attempt to work on is not bringing work stress home with me. If it's something I can't change, and it won't change if I bring that stress home, why not leave it at work? If I leave it at work, it'll be there waiting for me the next day so why not get some sleep at night in order to be better equipped to deal with things? I know that for me, this is going to be easier said than done but it is a goal to work on.

Well, in an effort to feel like I accomplished something this weekend, I think I am going to sign off from the computer so I can attempt to address some Christmas cards before heading to bed. Wishing everyone sweet dreams! =)

Limitations

This week I am feeling the need to write about limits/limitations. I am definitely NOT an expert on creating said limitations but I'm going to write about them anyway...

I have once again found myself very much so overworked, over extended, and over stressed. I know that all three of these would be very easily solved if I just learned how to say the word "no;" even if it is just using the word "no" on an occasional basis. I often find myself agreeing to something even before I have had a chance to really think through what exactly I'm agreeing to since saying "sure" or "yes" seems to be so ingrained in me. I'm not entirely sure when this strong desire to always say "yes" to things has come from but there are times where I wish that desire had an on/off switch.

Another trait of mine that I wish had an on/off switch is my dislike to saying "good-bye." I think having this trait is one of the reasons why I have had such trouble with the divorce. As my Dad pointed out today, the wasband and I have now been separated for more than half the time we were married yet I am finding myself bothered by the date this coming Tuesday (it is the date we were married). Let me say again, I do NOT want the wasband back but I do miss having someone else in the house (like today for example, I was hungry but it just seemed too much of an effort to make something to eat - it would have been nice to ask someone else to cook for me). I think in this aspect, I am going to attempt to set a limitation on myself - - within the next year, I would like to not have these dates bother me so much. I know that it may or may not be a possibility but I would like to attempt to make this goal for myself. I am looking to you, dear readers, to help hold me accountable to this goal.

I'm not entirely sure yet how I am going to help hold myself accountable to this goal but I would seriously like to work on this aspect of self. I know that I will never truly be able to move on until I have accomplished this. I know that I still may have ups/downs, good days and bad days but I believe that I will be able to overcome all of this and not have it define me anymore.

I know that if I don't start to set this limitation on myself I may never get beyond the choices that I made as well as choices that were made that were out of my control. I don't want the feeling of things being beyond my control anymore. I do know that in order to do this though I am going to reach past my level of comfort and realize that if I am going to have others respect me and what I have to say, I am going to have to start putting those limitations on those around me. I know that I can't control what others do/say but I can set limitations on how I will allow or not allow them to take advantage of me.

I realize that none of these limitations (directed towards myself or others) is going to be easy but if it was easy, I know that I personally would not appreciate it as much. In some ways I am ready for my life to quiet down a bit but I think that also falls under not appreciating it as much. If nothing else, I can definitely say that my life is not a boring one! Take care and I think this blogger is going to prepare myself for the insanity the week ahead holds in store for me...

Thankfulness

(Where did this weekend go? I even had an extra 2 days for this weekend and I still don't know where the time went....)

Tonight I want to write about "thankfulness." I know that we should be thankful year round, however it does seem to become a central focus around holiday time. First and foremost I am thankful for my family (I am also thankful for the technology that allowed me to see/talk to everyone on Thanksgiving). While we were video chatting it felt like I was in the room so that was pretty cool. Granted, there were times where it did feel a little awkward knowing that I was just there on a screen but when my nephew kissed my nose on the screen it made it worth it! =) They have been so supportive and they try to include me even though I am the family member who is so far away. That is a blessing to know that even though I am so far away, I am not necessarily the one who is "out of sight, out of mind."

I am also thankful for friends and the families I feel like I have been "adopted" into where I live. I spent Thanksgiving with my dance instructor and their friends (a couple of fellow dancers were there as well) and we spent the day filled with laughter. Even though I was slightly apprehensive about going (which is strange since that's where I spent Thanksgiving last year), I did have a good time. Maybe one of the reasons I was nervous was because they threatened to break out the karaoke machine - but luckily that didn't happen. =)

I am also thankful in this economy to have a job. Granted, my job can be stressful at times, but what job isn't. It's probably actually better for me to have a job that is at least a little bit stressful, since that means it keeps me busy, and that, in turn, makes time go faster. =) This past week, I have spent my time at work back in a classroom of 2 year-olds and that definitely made the time go fast since I was running around all over the place. Since it has been awhile since I have been in that type of classroom, I came home exhausted each day but at least my days seemed to go pretty quickly. The only day I wasn't thrilled to be in that room was Wednesday when one of the children decided to help me open one of the doors (they helped rather forcefully) and it resulted in my finger getting smashed between the metal door handle and the cement wall. Needless to say, my finger is still swollen and hurts to the touch so it does make me wonder what's going on with it (not enough for me to go to the doctor though since I HATE the doctor).

I guess I can also say that I am thankful for my heath (except for this nagging cough that won't seem to leave me alone). I know that things could be way worse for me in that sense. I have a feeling that things wouldn't be as bad for me if I went to the doctor these days (since telling me I was too overweight was often the first thing I heard from the nurse/doctor), I know that I do have my weight goal to still reach. I am trying not to be too hard on myself anymore about the weight not coming off as fast as I would like but that is still something that doesn't necessarily come natural to me. I guess that's something I still need to work on (the weight loss as well as being more positive towards how I view myself).

Another goal I have is I'm going to work towards being more thankful for the individual I am becoming. This is something that I know I need to work on since how can others around me view me in that positive light if I have trouble viewing myself in that positive way. I will work on it and see what the next few weeks/months hold in store for me. =)

Kitchen lessons?

I think I need to apply the things I am learning in the kitchen to other aspects of my life.... For those of you who are confused, ever since I first attempted to cook, I have been somewhat incompetent when it comes to cooking. Granted, I have mastered some yummy and interesting pieces but I've never been that adventurous when it comes to trying new things when it comes to food. Today, however, I tried some new things and they turned out to be super yummy! =)

I took packaged gnocchi, cooked it and added Alfredo sauce. If that wasn't yummy enough, I added a piece of garlic Texas toast to my lunch (because I added a little too much Alfredo sauce to my gnocchi). Since I didn't think of the toast until my gnocchi was cooked (and I don't have a toaster oven) I tried something kind of daring - - I put my Texas toast in a hot skillet! And it worked! It was kind of like cooking the Skillet Toast that I made awhile back. =)

I wish that other aspect of my life would turn out as easy as my lunch did.... This past week marked another post-divorce milestone - - the three year point of the wasband walking away; leaving only a letter. I thought I was doing pretty well until the day approached... I found myself having very odd dreams, tossing and turning, taking things personally that I didn't need to, and was more emotional when I found a photo of the ex. I don't know why I am still finding myself feeling these strong emotions but I know that it will just take time for me to work through all of this.

As I've said before, I know that there are those around me who wish I could just "get over" how things ended up between my ex and I but I still find that things still bother me about the entire situation. Granted, I am not at the point I was three years ago but I still have strong feelings about the situation - - they are definitely NOT feeling for him anymore. I think maybe some of it comes from all of the emotions tied to this time of year....

This is the time of year to be around family and friends. While I have my friends (some of them are scattered around the country though) but I wish I was closer to where my family is located. This is also the time of year that would have been my anniversary and the shows on TV are centered around romance for the holidays (as well as the commercials turn super sappy this time of year - - it's almost as bad as Valentine's Day).

It helps to know that no matter how I'm feeling, there are those in my family as well as my friends who only want the best for me - even if I'm not sure what that "best" is yet. Maybe that's one of the focuses I need to have for my quest - - knowing what's best for me is out there and just continue to do my best in working to whatever that may be. I also have to remember that those around me will love me regardless (even if I do need to continue to work on loving myself....).

I hope everyone has the opportunity this upcoming week to take some time and reflect what they are thankful for - I know I will be.

Progress?

Wow. I find it amazing to believe that I have been belly dancing for two years now. There are still times that feels like just yesterday I timidly entered the studio for my first lesson and look at me now! I have performed with the troupe (in I don't know how many shows), performed I don't know how many solos (including with a sword), taught belly dance class when my instructor has had to miss and have moved my way to being a front row dancer. Not too bad in my opinion! =)

I wish at times I felt as if I was making the same type of progress in other aspects of my life.... Don't get me wrong, I know that I am making progress and I'm definitely am not in the same place I was a year ago (or two or three years ago) but I guess I selfishly want more. I wish I was further along in my emotional journey but I know that will take time. Any time I feel as if I am making said progress, life seems to get in the way and I feel like it takes all that's in me to not take more than a step or two backwards. I do better than that some days than others...

I know that another thing for me to work on is to not sell myself short on the progress that I have made (as I have a tendency to do). I often find it easier to apologize for where I see my shortcomings as opposed to taking credit for the accomplishments that I have made. I tend to downplay what I have accomplished and I can say that I have definitely done that more in the last number of years (even when I was still married).

This is especially difficult in terms of the weight I have lost as opposed to weight that I still want/need to lose. I know that I have made tremendous progress in terms of losing weight and keeping it off, however there are still times I see the "old" me when I look in the mirror. I know that other people don't see it but unfortunately I still do. Maybe, no matter what weight goals I reach I will sometimes still see myself in the mirror that way but I just have to work towards seeing the new way as well. I think one of the things that will help is wearing clothes that actually fit as well as clothes that are more my age. I know that for work I need to buy clothes that are durable and are easy to wash but I don't have to look so frumpy when doing so. I think I just need to start getting some quality pieces (even if that means spending a little more upfront) and changing the look based on what accessories I wear with the outfit and maybe that will help. Only time will tell, I guess. (one more thing I need to start saving my pennies for...)

At least one problem that I was going to have to save pennies for has seemingly (knock on wood) corrected itself. Actually I had to change something I was doing.... I have been writing on and off about my car's check engine light coming on as I was driving. Turns out I was keeping my foot on the clutch too long, popping the clutch, and that's what was causing the light to come on. Now that I know it, I have changed how I drive and the light has (so far) stayed off. Now that I have written about it, I know that it's going to start acting up again but at least I'm prepared. Fingers crossed that it behaves itself though! =)

Well, since I have belly dancing to work on as well as a crazy busy upcoming week, I should probably sign off for tonight. We'll see what kinds of things this week has in store for me... =)

Next step...

In current book, the wasband has been a main character. In the sequel, I will be the main character. In a lot of ways that's an awfully odd concept for me. I am working on my own story and, as of right now, I am just looking at a book filled with empty pages. As an avid reader (and a writer; even if it's just my blog) and empty book can be a little disconcerting. Yes, that means it is full of possibilities, but as I've written before, sometimes too many possibilities can be an overwhelming thing.

I guess to keep it from being too overwhelming; I can look at it as I look at writing my post each week. I start with a blank document and add one word at a time. A combination of words turns into a sentence. Sentences blend together to create paragraphs and so on. That's how I have to look at my story right now. One word/one thought at a time and go from there. It's okay if I don't know how it's going to end when I start, I just have to write. And while with writing, I can hit the delete/backspace key if I don't like what I've written, I know I can't do that with life. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I am hesitating seeing the blank pages before me...

I just have to realize for myself that even if I do make a mess/mistake, all I have to do is clean-it up and move on. I don't have to let a mistake define me or who I am working on becoming (the best version of myself that I can become). I also don't have to try and erase the mistake but rather learn from it and move on from there. Besides, there is no eraser in what we call life. I know that it may not always be easy, but we were never promised that life would be easy.... It's just life. Make of it what you will... As Kermit the Frog says, "life's like a movie, write your own ending.... keep believing, keep pretending..."

He's one smart Frog. =)

I'm stealing from myself this week.... These thoughts were on my mind, appeared in my blog almost a year ago and they have really been coming back to me this week especially. I have been finding myself having a difficult time lately in the concept of me being a "blank slate" in which to write my story. Over the past number of years, I have created a persona that those around me think is who I am on the inside. After being introspective of that persona, I don't know if that's who I truly am; but it is the safety blanket persona that I have wrapped around myself. Now that I'm peeling a corner up of the safety blanket to remove it, I am encountering some resistance from within myself as well as those around me.

One of the things that I know that I need to work on is standing up for myself. In doing so, I know that will entail making a commitment to a choice I make and sticking to it - and when I do that, be willing to accept either the positive or negative consequences that come from those decisions. I have tried standing up for myself over the past few days but find myself backpedaling based on the reaction of those around me. This is the next step of my journey - making the conscious decision of standing up for myself and then sticking to that decision. I'm not 100% sure how to do that other than just making the commitment to myself and asking for those around me to help hold me accountable to said commitment.

I think a lot of my backpedaling comes from wanting to please those around me. When I put their needs ahead of my own though, is it really doing either one of us any good? Sure, those around me are getting what they want but at what expense? Up until now, rather than have to deal with disappointing those around me, I go out of my way to take care of what they need me to. I think now it might be time to be a little selfish and take care of me some. I know that there's not going to be a way for me (personally) to just give it up cold turkey but it is something I can work towards. I mean, I know that my nature is to be a nurturer (who else would willingly be a pre-school teacher?!?) so I know that I won't ever be able to stop wanting to help people but I know that it's up to me to decide who/when I'm going to help. It's all a process.

I am starting to learn that there is more to life than watching those around me live it. Now, the next step will be for me to start getting out there and living my own and not having those around me manipulate my life to make theirs easier... Wish me luck!

Catch-up

Going back to work after a week long vacation was... interesting.... I had a pile of things to take care of that I missed, learning about some upcoming events, and I just had to get used to being back in the swing of things (as well as having those at work adjusting to my being back). This upcoming week will be my first full week back to work and from what I've already been told will be needed of me; it's going to be a crazy week. In preparation for this crazy week, on Friday before I left work, I created a schedule for myself so I would know what I need to take care of when just to get it all done. Hopefully I will be able to stick to said schedule...

Another way that I need to play catch-up is taking care of all of the little things around my apartment that need to be done. I have laundry in the washer and dryer as I write, but I have dishes to do and a floor to vacuum. But once again, my weekend has just kind of flown by and other than having clothes in the washer/dryer; I don't feel like I accomplished anything this weekend really.

In a strange way, going back to work this week along with saying "until next time" after my Mom's visit, has also made me realize that I need to play catch-up along my journey of self discovery and improvement. With everything else going on in my life, I have once again allowed the wants and needs of those around me to cloud what I want out of my life right now. One of the things Mom did before she left was she wrote me a touching note that she left on my nightstand. In the note, she told me that I shouldn't throw myself into work so hard that I forgot that I had a vacation. Unfortunately, after just a few hours of being at work, the relaxation from being on vacation was gone and I felt the stress I tend to impose on myself to meet the demands of other people envelop me.

It probably doesn't help too that I feel as if I've been in a fog all day. Yesterday I had dance class (and I was struggling through a choreography that I haven't learned yet) and then spent most of the afternoon at the birthday party of my friend's son. Because I still feel awkward in social situations, I came home exhausted. It's strange. For as often as I put myself in the spotlight dancing on stage, I still often feel "in the way" in large groups of people. Then, at 2 AM, my smoke alarm decided to beep to tell me that it's battery was dead. After that scare, I was awake and then read for a bit. After I put the book away, I tossed and turned for the rest of the night. I attempted to close my eyes for a bit this afternoon but sleep eluded me. Hopefully that means that I will be able to sleep tonight. I'll just have to wait and see...

Going back to feeling awkward during social gatherings, I think a lot of it comes from feeling like I am misunderstood. I know that I am a complex person and have often just kept quiet rather than go into all of the details of what makes me who I am. I know that we make assumptions of other people everyday (I am one who does this as well even though I am trying very hard to no longer do so - - especially where my sister is concerned) but I wish that if people wanted to know something about me that they would just ask rather than make those assumptions. I do know that I would have to let my guard down some to allow this to happen and maybe that's one of the next facets of personal growth and development that I need to address...

Since I'm running on little sleep and I still have laundry and dishes to do, I should probably turn this off for tonight and hope that I am able to stay on top of my schedule at work this week. Wish me luck.... =)

Disclaimer....

It has been brought to my attention that my blog posts lately have been filled with "disclaimer" statements. I have been pondering why I have been doing that... Other people don't apologize for their thoughts/feelings yet I do on a regular basis. My response to things is often "I'm sorry" even if I don't really have anything to be sorry about. I think saying those two words has become too easy to say; saying "I apologize" is more difficult. This is something that I'm going to work on. I am also going to work on using these "disclaimer" statements when writing. This is supposed to be a platform for me to write about my journey and not make apologies/excuses for stumbles or pitfalls I may find along the way.

Today is the last day of my weeklong vacation and Mom went home early this morning. Needless to say, it's been kind of a long day so far today as well as pretty quiet in my little place. My dogs have been kind of moping around my apartment looking for Mom (and for cheese balls I think - - a treat from "Grandma"). They are probably going to pout more tomorrow since I have to go back to work. As always, all good things have to come to an end...

Mom and I had a weeklong visit and it was filled with all sorts of whirlwind adventures. =) We went on fabric shopping excursions (for costuming and for curtains Mom made for my place), we bought an unexpected (but absolutely stunning) belly dance costume for me, saw a belly dance show, went whale watching (and saw humpback whales!), spent an absolutely fabulous day wandering on the beach, and many more just fun opportunities. Granted, along with Mom's visit, I jokingly told her that she brought me the "plague" (some weird cough that she had caught from my sister) but we both felt fine other than the cough.

While Mom was here, my little apartment felt more like a "home" than it does when it's just the dogs and me. Now that there are curtains on the windows and touches of "me" here and there it does feel more like my place (even though I've lived here for just over two years) but would I call it "home"? Not necessarily. I guess I just have to keep making the best out of my place and keep adding my own personal touches to it how I can (since I can't paint or put any holes in the walls.... the Command hooks have become my decorating best friend).

After Mom's visit, it makes apparent to me the next things I need to work on along my quest. I need to start acknowledging my accomplishments (even the smallest ones) and stop saying "I'm sorry" for just being me. I know that I'm not perfect but I can work on the best "me" that I can be and not make disclaimers for myself. Here's to the next chapter of my quest... =)

Time

I have learned something about time. The more you feel like you have to accomplish, the faster time seems to fly past. Even though time itself is consistent, the perception is when you have little or nothing to do, time seems to go slower and the opposite is also true. I guess one of the reasons I have been thinking about the passage of time so much is I feel as if I have a very long list of things to accomplish and I am out of time in order to get it all done...

Don't get me wrong, I am VERY excited that my Mom is coming to visit me this week but there is a lot that I wanted to get done before she came. Granted, I did already give her a disclaimer for if I didn't get my list accomplished - - I told her, "Mom, you know how my room looked growing up so nothing should really surprise you..." =) We'll see if she's surprised or not...

Even though Mom is going to be here for a week, I know that the time will go far too quickly. There have been times that Mom and I have been talking on the phone and all of a sudden we'll realize we've been talking for 2 hours. It'll be interesting to see how long conversations last when it's just the two of us. I'm sure it will also be interesting to see what kind of "trouble" we get into when she's here... =)

I guess at the end of the day all I can say is if I have done my best managing my time during the day or not. Today I ran errands before and after churched, talked on the phone with my Dad (still working while on the phone with him), worked for several hours after that and then finally decided that I needed to sit down and eat something (since I didn't really eat anything all day). As I was sitting here eating my dinner, I realized that I had yet to think of something to write about today...

In thinking about the passage of time, I have had some pretty interesting thoughts go through my head:

• I came across some wedding photos as I was cleaning - if the wasband and I would have stayed together, we would have been married for 8 years this winter
• Next month, it has been 3 years since the wasband chose to walk away
• For the last 3 years, I have been learning how to stand on my own two feet
• I have been dancing for two years (almost!)
• Depending on what we're learning in dance class, the time seems to go super fast or it seems to slow down (I am also finding this out on a slightly different scale because I have been helping out as the "substitute" dance instructor and depending on the class dynamic the time seems to drag on or be over before I know it)
• There are times where I find myself just sitting and then I realize that 5-10 minutes have passed because I just kind of been staring off into space - - must show that there are times where I'm over stressed...

Sigh. Even though I may have really said anything tonight or not, I think it is time to sign off (I just realized what time it is...) and it's time to go to bed. Hope everyone has a good week! =)

I am sleepy....

It's been a long week and weekend and I think it's probably a very good thing that I have tomorrow off of work....

It really started on Wednesday night with dance rehearsal, Thursday was my birthday as well as choir rehearsal, Friday I went to work and then had a dance performance, yesterday was a day working on my apartment, and today was a dance performance approximately 3-3.5 hours from here... I'm tired.

The dance performance on Friday was special in more ways than one. Our dance instructor hired a live band to come to our studio and we had practiced a choreography to dance to their live performance. It was a little bit nerve wracking just because we weren't 100% sure if the band was going to play the music the same way they played it on the CD we had been rehearsing too (luckily they did!). This was the first time that I had performed to live music and it definitely was an interesting experience. Not only was this my first time performing to live music, it was also my first opportunity to do a mini solo to live music (I shared one piece of music with two other girls where we each took our turn on the stage). Another first for me this night was along with my solo, I danced with a veil. Originally my instructor asked me if I would want to use a sword with this solo but I wasn't personally feeling it with the music - so I opted at the last moment to use a veil instead. I don't know if I would classify it as my best performance however, I felt okay about it because I challenged myself and went outside of my own comfort zone. I just have to look at is as yet another aspect of my personal growth along my quest.

The trip to and from today's performance was filled with fun and laughter. Because so many of us attended today's show, we ended up taking two vehicles and the vehicle I was in laughed the entire way there and the entire way back I think. I couldn't even tell you at this point all of the stuff we laughed about (I do know that some of it was about things that were pretty dumb) but it was nice to laugh so much that I think I might have earned a few more laugh lines and some sore abs/ribs in the morning. =)

I don't think that my doggies are too pleased that I haven't been home too much over the last couple of days so it's probably a good thing that I get to stay home tomorrow. Granted, I will spending tomorrow (hopefully) continuing to work on the never-ending "stuff" that needs to be done around the apartment -- especially since my Mom will be here in just over a week! WooHoo! =) Yes, I am very excited about this fact! I know that I have lots of things to get done between now and that time but I will hopefully get it all done... We'll have to wait and see...

I think I'm just feeling as if I need a Mom "recharge." I'm not saying that to put any added/extra pressure on Mom but I feel that it's true. For the last number of years, I have developed a very special relationship but I think in some ways, I am trying to make up for lost time with Mom. As I've written about before, there was a point where I wasn't as nice as I could have been to my Mom and spent a lot of time responding "whatever" to anything that she said. It's not like that anymore. While there are times we don't always see eye-to-eye, we talk it out these days. I really hope that this relationship between Mom and I continues. =)

Well, since it's been a long and crazy week, I am going to sign off for another week and see what this upcoming week brings! =)

To do list...

I had a list of things that I wanted to accomplish this weekend and I don't know if I really accomplished any of it. I started quite a bit of what was on my list but I don't feel like I can really cross any of it off. Oh, well. I still have time to get this stuff done... I hope...

For some of the things on my to do list, I don't have a time limit to get them done. Other things on the to do list do have a time limit since my Mom will be here before I know it... Even though I have quite a bit to do before she comes, I am definitely looking forward to her visit! With everything I have going on before she comes, she will be here before I know it. This coming week I have parent/teacher conferences at work, dance rehearsal, two dance performances this next weekend (one of them will be to live music so that will be interesting...) and then just the other random things that could happen throughout the week. It's a good thing I have a week off when she's here. =)

Something that I guess I can say I accomplished this weekend is I took two large trash bags and an oversized laundry basket all full of clothes to donate to the Goodwill. I can't believe that I had that much stuff to get rid of and I still probably could use to donate some more (I got rid of articles of clothing that no longer fit but I was still hanging on to them). It did make me feel good to know that someone who needs those clothes will be able to get use out of them.

I think getting rid of these clothes is yet another thing I have needed to do to find some closure with everything that has happened to me. Some part of me feels like I was hanging onto some of these clothes in the effort to hang onto that "other me." Most of the clothes were too big so I don't know why I was hanging onto them other than that reason. I guess when it comes time to replace some of these articles of clothing I will have the opportunity to replace them with quality clothing (even though I did have some nice pieces) rather then just buying what I could find that fit.

In an effort to "jump start" my weight loss again, I got two new workout games to use on my Wii. At this point I have only tried one of them but it definitely worked up a sweat! One of the things that I like about the work out game that I have tried is it has a "quick workout" feature that allows you to get a workout in just over 15 minutes and it also has different levels that you can choose from (from beginner to advanced). Hopefully I will be able to keep it up and it will give me the results that I'm looking for. =)

Well, even though it's getting late here, there are one or two more things that I do need to accomplish (hopefully) before going to bed. I have a long week ahead of me and I know I need to get some sleep but I also need to un-bury my bed first. Wish me luck.... =)

Saying "no"

I will be one of the first people to admit I have not learned the art of saying "no." I do consider it an art form for adults. Kids learn at a very early age how to say "NO"(and they often say it in a very loud voice) and I know from stories my parents have told me, I used to say "no" a lot. Maybe I used up all of my "no"s as a child so that's why I don't say it now... Anyway... Back to saying "no"....

I have been feeling a little like people have been taking advantage of me lately and I know that some of that would go away if I would learn the art of saying "no." I realize that we teach people how to treat us and by doing pretty much whatever people ask of me I am teaching them it's okay to walk all over me (I'm giving them permission basically). I just don't like disappointing people and I guess that's the main reason why I feel like I have become a doormat. It hasn't necessarily been big things that people have asked of me but maybe it's just been the culmination of all of the little things that has gotten to me.

Another thing that I haven't learned the subtle art of is the art of believing that I am worth it. I have been so concerned with helping those around me, that I haven't taken any time for myself, thus I am still sick. Granted I haven't coughed as much today as I have been but I don't know if that should necessarily be considered an accomplishment or not... I know that I have to learn how to take care of myself better and feel as if it's okay to call into work if I do need a day off to recuperate. I don't see myself doing that anytime soon since there's a lot going on at work right now but I need to learn how to take the time off if I feel as if I need it or I won't be able to help anyone.

As I have written about before, I have always been pretty good at helping to talk up those around me if they are feeling down. When it comes to talking up myself though, I am not good at that at all. I am my own worst critic and don't always believe in learning from my own mistakes - rather I beat myself up over them. I know, I know. I really need to stop doing that. I need to learn that not every little mistake is worth beating myself up over and I can learn from them instead.

Maybe in the process of learning how to say "no," I also need to tell myself "no" at times. I need to learn when to stop beating myself up and just realize that it's okay not to give 1010% all of the time. I guess something else I could do is rather than continuing to beat myself up, I could focus my anger/energy where it is due...

After talking about it, I think I am getting to the point where I am angry at the wasband. I am angry with him for making me feel like the entire divorce was my fault. I am angry with him for not attempting to work things out. I am angry with him for living the life that I wanted. I am angry with him for making me feel like I could just be discarded like you would something that's broken. I AM NOT BROKEN! He was one who chose to leave but that does not mean that I am not worthy of someone else's love.

Wow.... not quite sure where that came from. Maybe it's time to sign off for tonight and revisit some of these thoughts at a later date.

Perspective

Over the last week or so I have been attempting to change my perspective on a few aspects of my life. Throughout my examination, even though I do try my best to take the thought and feelings of others into consideration and try to do what I can to help those around me, I find myself afterwards wondering what else I could have done rather than focusing on what I have accomplished. Maybe due to having my allergies act up this past week (and they are trying to turn into a slight infection now I believe) has caused me to feel a bit sorry for myself. However, this evening, I am working towards shaking myself out of this...

As I was putting away some laundry today (still have quite a bit more to do but I think I'm done for the night), I started wondering to myself why I am hanging onto all of these clothes that I have that no longer fit me? That was the point that I stopped putting things away and I began to separate the clothes that no longer fit me into a laundry basket of items to donate to the Goodwill. With each article of clothing that went into the basket, I began to feel a little bit better about me and my own situation.

I put a couple of other things in the basket for donation that I'm feeling pretty good about... I unearthed a couple of stuffed animals given to me by the wasband that are going to be donated. It makes me feel good to think that they will provide hugs to children who need them rather than just being shoved in my closet or under my bed. Maybe this is one more way where I am trying to make good of a not so good situation...

While thinking about it, maybe one of the reasons I've been hanging onto some of these items is I've, once again, been trying to hold onto some part of the "old" me. I guess since it's just silly to keep hanging onto these clothes since there is no way I plan on becoming that size again, I might as well donate them to someone who will get a use out of them; especially if someone is in need of them.

Even though there are times that I wish for parts of my old life back, as a whole, that's not what I wish for anymore. I am over wanting "him" and having him in my life. Yes, someday it would be nice to have a man in my life again however, if it doesn't happen, I am learning that I can do things on my own. Do I always want to do things on my own? No. But I am learning that I can. I know that as time goes on, I will continue to find the things that I can do (and learn that it's still okay for me to look to family and friends when I need to and that doesn't make me a failure if I need that support).

I guess like the title of this post says, it's all about putting things into perspective. If you would have asked me 34 months ago (wasband left me Nov 18th, 2008) if I would be where I am now in my journey, I probably would have either laughed or burst into tears. But there are times now that I do realize that not only have I survived this whole mess but I am also thriving.

I guess with putting some of these things into perspective for myself, it's time to once again, roll up my sleeves, turn on/up the music and continue to clean up certain aspects of my life (and my apartment). Maybe the song, "I Will Survive" will be an appropriate choice. But, I think Aretha Franklin will need to wait until tomorrow because I think this Gypsy is heading to bed... Have a good week everyone! =)

Looking back

As today approached, I heard a lot of people talking (in person, on TV, on the radio, on-line) about reflecting about the past and what happened 10 years ago. I know that a lot of people had their lives directly/indirectly influenced by what happened on that September day. I fall into the category of my life being indirectly influenced...

After the event that changed so many people's lives, the wasband began to seriously consider joining the military. My brother also joined the military. My brother and the wasband met and then after some time, my brother introduced me to the wasband. Now, I know that me meeting the wasband and everything that happened after the fact is nothing in comparison to what other people experienced after that day but it has caused me to do a lot of thinking.

I know that in our lives, we make choices everyday. Some of these choices are simple (such as what am I going to wear or what am I going to eat for dinner) and some choices are more complex (such as taking a job, moving, going on a date, etc) but the point being that they are all choices. No one can make those choices for us; people we know and love can influence our decisions but they cannot make them for us. I know that when I am faced with a difficult decision in my life or have a difficult choice to make, I weigh my options and then I ask the opinions of my family and loved ones. I know full well that they will not make my choices or decisions for me (and it wouldn't be fair for me to ask them to or fair to me to have them make the decision for me) but their opinions matter to me.

Sometimes I find it difficult to just make a complex choice on my own because I am still struggling with one of the biggest choices of them all - - who am I/who do I want to be? There are still times that I don't have the answer to either one of those choices. Not that it was necessarily any easier when I was married (except for the biggest choice being that I was the "wasband's wife") but I did have someone to bounce ideas off of and help me through things.

I also had someone who could help give me a break from my choice of wanting to help whoever I can, however I can. I often find myself so buried under the weight that I'm carrying for my friends/coworkers/dance pals and I end up being almost unrecognizable. When I was married, I had someone who would offer to take that weight off of my shoulders, even if it was only for a short time, and give me a chance to stretch my legs so to say and not lose myself. I don't have that anymore. I don't have someone nearby to give me that break.

Some people have told me that has caused me to carry around overly "negative energy" wherever I go. Maybe it has and for that part of me wants to apologize. The other part of me doesn't want to apologize for that fact. Caring for others and helping to shoulder their load has been a part of me for as long as I can remember. With everything else I feel as if I've lost I don't want to lose that compassion for my friends on top of everything else.

So, if at times I get a little negative, that is another part of me that I will have to work on. We'll see how far that gets me.......

Yawn...

It has been another long week and another exhausting weekend. I had a very busy week at work (filled with some long meetings), had a late night on Friday (I'm the one who now oversees our Date Night for parents), and then had to be up early yesterday for two dance performances. We had an early call to get ready to dance on a parade float and we then performed at the county fair in the afternoon. At the fair performance, I danced all through all of the songs except one (it was a fellow dancer's solo) and I danced my sword solo again.

The stage that we danced on for the fair was so hot that we burned the bottoms of our feet and some of us also got splinters in our feet as well. I guess now might be the time to seriously look into getting some dance slippers for performances such as these for "just in case." Performances like this one is just to be used as a dancing experience. Yesterday was also a good example of something my dance instructor tells us - - the more you dance, the number of mistakes you make increases exponentially. It's been quite some time since I've made that many errors during a performance, but I kept dancing and was able to keep a smile on my face the whole time and those are the things that are the most important. We have some other performances coming up in the next month (3 in the next month to be exact) so I will have the opportunity to redeem myself. =)

Something that I was able to accomplish today makes me pretty impressed with myself... My laptop was running really slow so I decided it would probably be a good idea to get a portable hard drive to back up the data/photos from my laptop and place them on my other computer. Up until today, I wanted to chuck the hard drive against the wall because I couldn't make it work - - today I was able to make it work and I was able to back up the information that I wanted to. Yay, me! =) I am glad that I kept with it and was able to figure it out. Hopefully removing some of this data off of my laptop will make it a little happier.

Other than fighting with my portable hard drive today, I talked with my Mom and I attempted to talk to my nephew but he didn't want to talk with me over the phone. I don't necessarily blame him since he doesn't know me. Sure, there are things he knows about me and he knows that I've bought things for him but he doesn't know who his Aunt is. That makes me kind of sad. I know that he can't really know me when I live so far away but that was something that I wish I could remedy. Oh, well. Maybe one day I'll be able to live closer to family and my Nephew will get to know his Auntie.

One thing I do have to look forward to is in about 6 weeks my Mom will be coming out for a weeklong visit! Mom and I are always able to talk up a storm so I'm sure that week will be a whirlwind of long conversations, fabric buying, belly dancing and just plain fun and adventures. I'm sure the week she's here will fly by but I am really looking forward to her visiting (plus I am taking a week off of work!).

Since I have tomorrow as a vacation day from work, maybe I will attempt to do a little bit of work around my apartment because I'm sure the six weeks leading up to Mom's visit are going to be gone in the blink of an eye (especially with how busy I'm going to be with work and dance between then and now). Goodnight, all! =)

Another year

Wow... I can't believe I am entering year 3 of writing Gypsy's Quest. While I know that I am making progress, there are days, like today where I personally feel as if I've had some pretty major setbacks. I mean, I guess if I didn't have the setbacks, I wouldn't appreciate the progress I have made, however, some setback days are worse than others....

Over the last couple of days I have been thinking about some accounts that were joint accounts between me and the wasband. Of course, he didn't close them so today I attempted to close two of them. The first one would barely give me the time of day and will only deal with him (on the plus side, the account has been closed and I've been told that neither one of us has access to it anymore). The second phone call I made today was much more productive and they were able to close the account upon my request (since I was on the account) and they said that they would take care of everything. I guess there are times where I just don't expect people (other than family and some friends) to go out of their way to help me out.

When I was dealing with some of these account issues, I ended up having to look in my "divorce box" and I came across some personal correspondence written by the wasband. I am going to give myself credit for knowing that I couldn't deal with that particular folder today and I put it back in the box and put the "divorce box" back into the cabinet. While I may be able to go through that folder one of these days and re-read those letters/notes, today was definitely not that day...

After a nice long talk with Mom and Dad today, I took my first bubble bath in over three years. I had to get creative in making that happen (since my bathtub has a catch on the drain but no stopper) but I was able to make it work (Yay! See, I'm already using one of my new mantras! Confused? See last weeks post...) Granted, I didn't get to stay in the tub for as long as I wanted to (silly dogs) but it is an indulgence that is relatively inexpensive (bubble bath is pretty cheap) and something that I will have to do again in the near future.

This goes back to recognizing that every so often I do have to take care of myself in order to be able to continue to take care of the needs of those around me. While I don't always think to make myself a priority, I know that I do need to try and make that happen or I am going to completely burn out mentally, emotionally and even physically. I am already nursing a sore ankle and I know that if I don't care of that, it's going to get worse, and then I won't be able to dance - - one of the main things I do to help keep myself active/happy/sane/etc.

Well, since I have a very busy/stressful week ahead of me at work (we are getting ready to complete a major upgrade of a website we use on a daily basis where we have to switch a lot of information over) and in dance (we have a big performance this coming Saturday - - parade in the AM and a performance at the county fair right after it where I will be performing my sword solo), I should probably bring this to a close and relax a little before bed.

Thank you for joining me as Year Two of Gypsy's Quest ends and I am looking forward to where Year Three may lead me on my quest and where it may lead you, my dear readers. =)

Mantras....

One of my newest mantras is going to become "make it work," I think. In my opinion, I can use this in several aspects of my life - I can use it at work, in dance, in my writing, etc. There are times where making it work is the only option you have. I am not the type that gives up easily (as I'm sure you have determined from some of my other writings) so sometimes the only alternative is to find a way to make it work with what you are given. Granted, it may not always be the most desirable thing to make things work with what you have at your disposal and you may wish you had something different; however, wishing will only get you so far...

Another mantra that I need to learn to apply to my life is, "don't help." Let me explain... I had a dance performance tonight and I stumbled over a floor mat, hurting an ankle that I have already injured. Of course, the show must go on so I continued to dance. I know, I know - - stupid decision on my part. Anyway, after we managed to get to my instructor's house after the show, my instructor's husband rubbed my ankle for me. As he was manipulating my ankle to try and feel for an injury, he had to keep telling me, "Gypsy, don't help!" Unknowingly, I was attempting to move my ankle in anticipation of what he was trying to do. Once I stopped trying to help, the injury really did start to feel better.

For those of you who know me, being told to not help, usually makes me tense up or want to do something even more. Tonight, for whatever reason, when he told me, "don't help," I stopped trying to help. I don't know if it was his tone of voice, the way he was helping my ankle, or what, he actually put me at ease. All I can say is my dance instructor is a lucky woman having this man as her husband. =)

After we danced tonight, I had a couple of people come up to me and compliment me on my dancing. One of the people who approached me has been dancing for quite a long time and I consider her to be a fabulous dancer. When she came up to me, she told me that she LOVES my energy and LOVES to watch me dance. I told her that meant a lot to me coming from her. She then asked me how long I had been dancing and I told her that it will be two years this coming November - - she told me that she found that difficult to believe because I don't dance like I've only been dancing for two years. Other people told me that out of the three other dancers I was performing with tonight, they couldn't keep their eyes off of me. Even though my ankle was sore, those comments made me feel amazing!

Well, I know that I didn't write as much as I usually do tonight, but I should probably continue to take care of this ankle of mine and get ready for bed since the alarm is going to beep really early in the morning to wake me up for work. Have a great week everyone! =)