Thankful

I was lucky enough to spend Thanksgiving at my belly dance instructor's house and share in the day with 13 wonderful people. There was a lot of food, laughter and good conversation.

Working with kids, we talked a lot this past week about what it meant to be thankful and we talked with them about what they were thankful for. One of the kids turned the question to me and they asked me what I was thankful for.... That got me thinking..... Yes, I am thankful for family and friends; my health; a roof over my head; my dogs; etc.... But I came to the conclusion that this year, one of the things that I am most thankful for is I no longer have to deal with my wasband and all of the "junk" he has put me through.

After he left (and even after he had me served with divorce papers), I desperately clung to the hope that I would be able to "win" him back. If I just tried harder, if I was good enough, if I..., If I... If I....... Then I had to come to the realization that I wanted the man that I thought he was, not necessarily the man that he ended up being inside. I also had to come to the realization that I couldn't change him (even if I wanted to), I could only change myself and how I was reacting to the situation. Now, I don't have to deal with him or his insecurities any longer.

Yes, thoughts of him creep up from time to time but I don't find myself having thoughts of him nearly as often as I once did. Plus, some of the thoughts that I've had, I think come from the idea of being with someone, not necessarily the wasband himself. Yes, I loved him, or I loved him for who I thought he was; the man that he allowed me to see. As I've stated before, the man I thought he was, may not have been his true self.

Another thing that I have been thankful for is the fact that I have realized a lot about myself in the last two years. Honestly, some of that can be attributed to my wasband as well. After he left, I decided I couldn't continue on as things had been and I took myself to see a therapist. Throughout my visits with the therapist, I was forced to deal with aspects of my past that I thought I had locked away. The dangers of locking away powerful emotions or happenings from your past is they have a tendency to creep up when you least expect them. However, at this point, I can say that I have dealt with those issues and I can now grow from my experiences that have made me who I am today.

One of the things that I did over the Holiday weekend is I went to the movies with a friend of mine. We went to go see the movie "Burlesque" and I truly enjoyed it! One of the songs in the movie was a solo by Cher and it struck something deep inside of me. The song is called "You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" and the lyrics are:

Feeling broken

Barely holding on


But there’s just something so strong


Somewhere inside me


And I am down but I’ll get up again


Don’t count me out just yet

I’ve been brought down to my knees


And I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking


But I can take it


I’ll be back


Back on my feet


This is far from over


You haven’t seen the last of me


You haven’t seen the last of me

They can say that
I won’t stay around


But I’m gonna stand my ground


You’re not gonna stop me


You don’t know me

You don’t know who I am


Don’t count me out so fast

I’ve been brought down to my knees


And I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking


But I can take it


I’ll be back


Back on my feet


This is far from over


You haven’t seen the last of me

There will be no fade out


This is not the end


I’m down now


But I’ll be standing tall again


Times are hard but
I was built tough


I’m gonna show you all what I’m made of

I’ve been brought down to my knees


And I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking


But I can take it


I’ll be back


Back on my feet


This is far from over


I am far from over


You haven’t seen the last of me

No no


I’m not going nowhere


I’m staying right here


Oh no


You won’t see me begging


I’m not taking my bow


Can’t stop me


It’s not the end


You haven’t seen the last of me


Oh no


You haven’t seen the last of me


You haven’t seen the last of me

I'll just have to keep working on applying those thoughts to my life....

Feeling better

As the week has passed, I have continued to feel better. The flu like symptoms are gone and all that I have left is a cough that doesn't seem to want to go away. Personally I will take coughing to being nauseous any day....

I feel like once again that the weekend has gone by way too quickly. Part of that may come from working seven hours yesterday (another teacher and I painted the classroom; I went up and down the ladder at least a million times it felt like). While it was a long hard day of work that eliminated half of my weekend, the seven hours of overtime on my check will be nice (especially with the list of things my car needs).

Everyone told me that from going up and down the ladder so many times yesterday I would most likely be in a lot of pain today. Luckily it wasn't too bad. I came home from work yesterday, took a steaming hot shower and then sat on the couch for awhile to relax. When I needed to get up to let the dogs out, my legs were stiff/sore but it didn't last that long. I think my quick recovery can be attributed to building strong muscles through dancing. =) Yay, dancing! =)

Well, I survived another post-divorce milestone this past week. I made it to and through the two year mark of when my wasband up and left (leaving me a letter in his wake). Someone who has known me pre-divorce reminded me this week just how far I've come in the last two years. Right after he left me, I wasn't sure how my life would go on from that point. Now, not only have I survived him leaving me, I really feel as if I'm thriving.

I mean, I am living on my own and all that entails (no one else to let the dogs out, do the laundry, investigate the "noises," clean the bathroom, do the dishes, fix the random "issues" in the apartment, etc.), I am learning/performing belly dance, on occasion I take myself out, I have gone on driving adventures, and I am (in general) learning how to do things for me. Yes, I have a wonderful support system of family and friends and they have been invaluable the last two years (my family has been there for me my whole life but especially the last two years).

Okay, since writing all of that, I have been sitting here for the last hour just staring at my computer screen and my thoughts/feelings have done a complete 180. I thought that I had a lot to say about how far I've come in the last two years but then started to think that there might be some of you out there in cyber-land who are getting sick of me and what I have to say.

One of the things I have been thinking about is, even though I’m a strong person, I am so tired of being strong all of the time… I just wish there was someone that could let me be strong in situations but in turn be there to pick me up and support me if/when I fall. But along with that, I want someone who would help in times where I couldn’t be strong anymore. Is that really too much to ask? Personally, I don’t think so… But with my current track record, I’m most likely wrong…

Maybe my complete 180 has come from the combination of being sick last week, working all day yesterday, the emotional dealings of this week, and the holidays approaching. I think I need to just turn off my computer for tonight and relax before the upcoming week. Even though it's a short week due to Thanksgiving, I have a feeling it's going to be a busy one.

Have a great Thanksgiving everyone and I will hopefully be in better spirits next week.

sick = no fun

I really, really, really don't like being sick. =( I started coming down with flu-like symptoms Thursday afternoon and they lasted until this morning. While I am feeling better physically (I actually ate my first meal today since Thursday lunch - have only eaten "snacks" up until now), I am only feeling about 80% energy wise. I guess that's one of the things that happens going into a new classroom; new kids = new germs. I actually opted out of choir rehearsal on Thursday night (that's how lousy I felt) but went to work on Friday. Looking back, going to work on Friday is possibly why I'm not feeling 100% yet. I probably should have just stayed at home and rested (considering I have about 2 weeks worth of sick hours saved up). Oh, well. I can't go back and change things now.

If nothing else, I knew that I needed to feel better for yesterday - we had our two belly dance performances yesterday. During the first performance, we started off (with me being the first dancer on the stage!!) with mini "solos" and then went into a really fast spin for a really long time - - let me say, that is a really bad idea for someone who is fighting nausea. After beginning the spin, I had to stop before I was "supposed" to stop spinning and let my world right itself. I have done this spin many times before and have never been this dizzy completing it. Like I said, I guess spinning and nausea are not a good combination. After this initial set back, I had a couple of "oops" moments in the choreography but I continued to perform with a smile on my face and that is what's most important.

After this performance, I came home and showered to wipe off all of the glitter and make up. After that, I thought it would probably be a good idea to take a nap for a few hours before the second performance - the CASBAH (our last Casbah, or night club performance at the studio, was back at the beginning of April where I performed my first belly dance solo). It was actually ironically fitting to have my second Casbah this week since one year ago I was introduced to my love of belly dance. =)

At this Casbah, a group of three of us (me being "elected" to lead the other two ladies) chose to perform one of our troupe choreography pieces with slight variations. Our instructor loved that we took it upon ourselves to "improve" the choreography and said that she plans on adapting her choreography to match what we did! =)

After the trio of us performed, I had the space of two soloists to change my costume and prepare for my own solo. I was debuting a new solo piece and feel like I did pretty well considering I was nervous (the studio was PACKED and some of my co-workers came specifically to see me dance) and about half-way through the five minute piece I got really hot and considered for a spit second just walking off of the stage before the song was over (I think the feeling of being too warm came from a combination of the lights/number of people in the studio and being sick). But, I made it through my piece (I have some work to do on it in my opinion) and tried to smile through the entire piece.

When I was done performing, I got a really neat compliment from one of the best belly dancers I have seen perform (she is the one who coordinated the show at the coffee house that I have danced at before). She told me that she finds my dancing "absolutely mesmerizing" and that she finds it very difficult to believe that I've been dancing for only a year. YAY! =)

I also had some complete strangers tell me that I am a beautiful dancer and that I move like I'm from the Middle East. Those compliments make me want to work even harder to become a better dancer.

Well, since I have another busy week ahead and am still not 100% myself, I should probably relax some tonight and head to bed early or at least on time tonight. =)

(Side note: car stuff is taken care of; passed my "smog check" and paid registration. Of course, when it was at the shop, they told me all of the other stuff that my car needs, but I will either need to save my pennies or win the lottery to take care of that list......)

More grown-up "fun"...........

Just when I was starting to get into the routine of my "normal" life, of course something comes up to throw a monkey wrench into things....

My car has decided to turn on it's check engine light again so I am trying to find time to take it into the shop to have it looked at. In all of the time I was with my wasband, I don't think the check engine light went off in our cars ever. Now that I am single, my check engine light has turned on I don't know how many times. It's rather annoying. But I've done what I can at this point, I sent an e-mail service request and if I don't hear from the service department tomorrow, I will give them a call on my lunch to make an appointment.

It just feels like it's one thing after another at times and I know that's life and all but..... No, Dad, it's not fun at times to be a grown-up. =( Then again, I tell myself if I had to grow up again, I would have to go back to middle school and high school and I'd really rather not.

Maybe part of my gray mood is the weather the last few days. Up until this past Friday, it has been warm and sunny; Friday hit and the weather has been chilly and overcast. Then today, it has rained on and off all day. It's just one of those days where I would have preferred to stay cuddled up in bed all day but unfortunately there is always too much to do. I did take about an hour nap this afternoon and that helped but I could have used a longer nap. =)

I could have used the longer nap in preparation for the upcoming week. I am moving into a new classroom this week. I am leaving the land of two-year olds and diapers and headed back into a preschool classroom. While I am excited to go back into preschool, I have already met some resistance from the kids and the parents of the class I'm going into. Oh, well. All I can do is go in and be the best teacher that I know how to be. And at the end of the day, that's all that I can really do (and all that I can expect of myself, even though I can be my own worst critic).

Also causing me a bit of stress is two upcoming belly dance performances on one day. This upcoming Saturday afternoon we are performing four numbers in a nearby town and then that same evening we are having another Casbah (where we turn the studio into a nightclub - - the last time we did this, I performed my first ever belly dance solo). I am working on a new piece and I am hoping that I will have the dance ready for this performance.

Well, since I have to deal with my car issues this week as well as head into a new classroom AND work on a new belly dance solo, I should probably bring this to a close for tonight and focus on the insanity of the week ahead. =)