Another fabulous day of shimmying....

Today was a spectacular troupe performance at another belly dance festival. =) After the troupe performed, there was time to watch other performers and shop for belly dance wares before attending a workshop class that I signed up for. Luckily I had a baby-sitting job yesterday that allowed me to be able to purchase a matching top and fringe hip scarf that will match a pair of turquoise pants that my Mom already made for me - so I'm very excited that I have another complete outfit!! =) I also picked up some really neat body glitter that I'll be able to use for some upcoming performances.

The workshop class was good but it didn't necessarily knock my socks off. It was a two-hour workshop (the length of belly dance class that I normally attend), but the time just seemed to drag on and on. I don't know if part of it was due to the instructors teaching style (we tended to do the same move over and over and over and over........) or if it's because the moves we were working on weren't some of my favorite to perform... Maybe that's part of my quest - be more open-minded to all of the varieties of belly dance.

Another facet of my quest is coming to terms with the event that's occurring in just under two weeks - - my thirtieth birthday. *ominous music here* It's not the fact that I mind getting older, I never really have. It deals with not fulfilling things that I wanted before I turned 30. I believe I've mentioned before that I wanted a husband and family by the time my thirtieth birthday came around. Well, husband is gone and all I have in the way of children of my own are my doggies. With the big 3-0 rapidly approaching, I have to come to terms with those things not happening along my timeline.

I don't know why I picked that age to be when I originally wanted those things to occur by, but I guess I need to let go of that notion. I don't necessarily need to let go of those hopes/dreams completely but the time frame needs to be altered and once it's altered, not necessarily set in concrete. Things you try to set in concrete have a tendency to break.

I guess I just need to try to put into practice something my college choir professor taught us - - that is the importance of looking at situations flexibly. It's not a concept that is always an easy one but it is something that I should work on doing again. I know there is the saying "don't sweat the small stuff" but for me anyway, it's always been easier to say than do. It's not that I can't be flexible, there are just certain things that I wanted and I have to learn how to alter my plans.

I guess that may not be a bad thing; good things can come when you're not looking for them, right?

Some firsts today

Today was a day of "firsts" for me. One of the exciting “firsts” of today was I attended/danced at my first belly dance festival (we danced as a troupe at a belly dance festival). Another first was going over the Golden Gate Bridge (wish it wouldn't have been so foggy but it was still really neat!!). I was also told today (by three different people) that they liked my color of costume best (my costume is lime, yes, LIME green!!) and I had three different people tell me that they enjoyed watching my dancing the best out of the troupe!

Well, I guess that helps with my wish of no longer wanting to be invisible when it comes to troupe dancing. It was really great to be noticed! =)

Even though it was a small belly dance festival, it was extremely exciting to be one of the members performing. We perform next week at an even bigger belly dance festival and I can't wait!! It was just so exhilarating being surrounded by such beautiful dancers and recognizing that I am one of them. It was fun to visit the different booths and see what people were selling too.

I bought a new dance top that's black velvet with rhinestone flowers/leaves on it. I also bought a camel marionette. I figured every belly dancer should have a camel so I bought one. =) I will say that my doggies do not like the camel! They were trying to use him as a chew toy... Belly dance Mama was not happy that the doggies were trying to eat the camel! =(

Days like today solidify my decision not to take the job that was offered to me. Granted there are times where I still wonder if I made the correct decision not to take it but days like today make up for those times. I have so much fun with my belly dance "gal pals" that it makes up for not choosing to advance my career at this point. Who knows; another opportunity may come my way, it may not right now...... But, at this moment, I believe it is more important for me to have my "gal pals" because they help to find "me."

It was fun to have a day of performing and then laughing/playing with the girls. That's something that I don't always allow myself to do. When I am at class, there are times where I take myself too seriously and become introverted (I know, I know.... surprise, surprise for me). Today, there wasn't time to take myself too seriously. Did I make mistakes in the choreography? Yes! But the world didn't end, the stage didn't swallow me whole, and most importantly, I KEPT SMILING despite the mistakes! And even now, hours and hours later, I'm not beating myself up for the mistakes that I made. See, I am making progress! ;)

Well, after the excitement/adrenaline of the day, I should probably try to wind down before heading to bed. Tomorrow I am sure will be another fun-filled/exciting/busy day with the two and three year olds.... =)

Breakfast with Grandma

I was talking with my Grandma a few weeks ago and she said something that has stuck with me since. She told me reading my posting is like eating breakfast with me.

Let me go into some background information... Every Monday, my Grandma gets up, turns on her computer and then goes to start her coffee. By the time her coffee is finished, she may or may not fix herself a bite to eat, and then she will go and check to see if her computer is on (she has a slow computer/Internet connection - but it suits her purpose). If her computer is on, she will get her Internet turned on and will wait for it to load, and go do something else while she waits. When her computer connects to the Internet, my blog is her homepage and she starts to read. We are connected even though we are over 2000 miles apart.

Some of my fondest memories from visiting my Grandparents (even when growing up we lived out of state) are eating breakfast with Grandma. My Grandpa tended to eat breakfast in bed (we got to take turns taking it to him) and Grandma would sit with us at the table. Grandma would ask us what kind of cereal we wanted and if we wanted a piece of toast or not to go with it. She would ask us questions and always seemed genuinely interested in our answers.

As I've grown up, I still enjoy sitting with Grandma at her kitchen table when I visit (which isn't nearly as often as I would like). Grandma has always supported me in my decisions and choices. She is one of my biggest fans when it comes to my blog and that helps encourage me to write. Grandma is one of my biggest fans regardless. =)

That was one of the things I was looking forward to most after I got married. I wanted to have kids right away so I could watch them grow and enjoy their children. My parents and even my grandparents have been relatively young compared to the ages of my friend's parents/grandparents. I wanted to be young enough to enjoy my children/grandchildren. Not to say it won't still happen for me, I know lots of people have children after they turn 30. I just saw myself at a different point in life by the time I turned 30 (as I do next month).

I know that my life won't end when I turn 30 and that I still have a lot of life ahead of me. Like I said, I just thought I would be at a different point in my life when I hit 30. I'll just have to wait and see what my 30's have in store for me.

I have been thinking a lot about families as well because I went to a baby shower yesterday for a co-worker who has become a good friend. I am so thrilled for her and her husband because I believe they are going to be fabulous parents to their little one when he comes. But baby showers and other baby related things are difficult for me. I know that all babies are precious and they offer love/hope/possibilities however, it hits pretty close to home since I want one of my own. Once again, I guess I'll just have to wait and see what my 30's hold...

Until then, thanks for having breakfast with me, Grandma! =)

Passage of time

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...... Have you ever just sat and listened to the clock tick time away? There have been times where I find myself listening to the clock and hearing the time passing. I have decided that I no longer wish to be a spectator in life. I want to re-enter life. It's not that I haven't been alive, but there is a part of me that feels as if I'm just starting to live.

In just about a month I will be turning the big 3-0 and I am just starting to learn thing about myself. I am enjoying this discovery but it is difficult as well. It's almost like being a teenager all over again.... YUCK! I really didn't enjoy much of my teenage years....

One of the things I have realized throughout my quest thus far is I am in a situation where I have the unique opportunity to re-invent myself. I no longer have to fit into the mold that has been created by people along the way through my life. I don't want to forget those individuals or the "me" they helped create, but there is something I can do to change things now.

I have been told who I should be most of my life; especially been told that by guys I've dated. I have been told that I've been too heavy, too thin, to smart, too opinionated, ... but no one ever seemed to truly like me for me. Maybe that's because I didn't truly like me for me. There have been times where I feel as if I'm so busy taking care of others that I haven't taken time to take care of myself. This is something that I definitely want to work on.

I'm not sure exactly the person that I want to end up but I do know some things that I do want:

• I want to continue to learn/perform belly dance
• I don't want to be an afterthought
• I'm working on not being invisible
• I want to love and be loved again
• even though I work with kids, I would like at least one of my own someday
• I eventually want to go back to school, work on my Master's degree

I know that none of these things will come easy and they won't come quickly. But that's part of life and my quest. I am finding that each passing day holds new surprises, some good and some bad, but each day holds new possibilities as well. If I let opportunities pass me by, I limit the possibilities for my life. I want to make time count. I want to make my time and my quest count for something. Even if the end result is finding myself and helping one person along the way.