Invisible

There was a point in my life where one of my main goals was to be invisible (and I was pretty good at being invisible). As I have journeyed along my quest, I am now finding that I want to stand out. Not in all aspects of my life (there are some places where I would rather remain invisible at this point) but there are aspects where I would like to be noticed.

One place that I want to be noticed is a bit of a contradiction. With belly dance, I find myself occasionally wanting to be invisible during class however, we have some upcoming troupe performances and part of me really wants to dance in the front row. My instructor has told me that she wants me to perform in the front row and I have just kind of dismissed that thought in the past. Now, with three upcoming performances in the next month, I am seriously considering her recommendation.

When it comes to dance, I want to be noticed. I don't want to take attention from the rest of the troupe but I no longer want to be invisible in the back. I'm not sure what has brought out this new side of me but here it is.... Like I said, I don't want to be in the spotlight per se when it comes to troupe performances (and I'm sure I will still get very nervous before any solo performances) but I would like to be noticed. I want others to see what I have worked so hard to accomplish and see that I'm good.

Is it strange for me to say that part of me is now glad that the wasband left me? Let me explain.... I don't condone the way he did it or anything but if he wouldn't have left, I most likely never would have found belly dancing. While he wanted me to find an activity to occupy myself while he was studying and doing work stuff, I don't know if he would have been overly happy with the choice of belly dance.

While he always told me that he didn't mind my weight and that there was "more of (me) to love," I have a feeling he would have questioned my choice. Even if it would have just been an offhanded comment such as, "are you sure you want to expose that much skin in public?" See, he wouldn't have questioned my choice directly or mentioned my weight directly, but it would have been implied. Unfortunately, his voice is still in my head but I am finding that I am more able to say, "thank you for your opinion but it was not asked for and it's not welcome anymore."

I guess you could say that I am working on making his voice in my head become invisible as well. I know that he will always be a part of my memories but I no longer need to let his opinion dictate my choices or my life.

I get to make the decisions for my life. If someone offers their opinion, I can choose whether or not to listen to or discount their opinion because it's that - their opinion. I can choose as well when I want to allow myself to be invisible or not. It all comes down to choices. My choices for my life.

I hope that doesn't sound too self-centered. It's just taken me most of my life to come to these decisions so I'm pretty passionate about them right now. It could also be that I'm trying not to revert to the "old" me..... I'm asking you to bear with me as I explore this new facet of my quest....

Restless nights....

I don't know about any of you, but there are nights that I really wish that I could turn off the thoughts in my head when I turn off the light on my nightstand... I have had a couple of nights of tossing and turning and that doesn't equate to very restful sleep. It doesn't help sleep when you are crunching numbers and worried whether or not you are making the right decisions.... Let me explain.

I interviewed for a job on the opposite coast of where I am currently living and they called me at the end of last week to offer it to me. However, when I first interviewed, they were unsure of what age group they were going to have me working with (yes, I am an educator by day, belly dancer by night). Now that they have officially offered me the position, they have told me what age group they would be placing me with and it's not an age group I would like to work with at this point. They are also offering me just a little more an hour than I'm making now and I don't know if it warrants a cross-country move.

While it would be a slight promotion, I am looking at the financial aspects associated with such a move but also the other things I would be sacrificing as well. One of the things I would be sacrificing is my dance troupe; while there are other belly dance troupes throughout the country, there isn't another troupe like the one I belong to now. Dance troupe aside, the financial numbers just don't add up. Not only would I have to find the money to move, I would also have to find money for first/last month's rent (as well as a pet deposit since I have my two "babies") and I just don't know where that money would magically come from... I would also have to find the money to live on... With the salary they quoted me, along with pricing I have found on-line for housing costs, I would have just over $100 a month for food (for me and doggie food), gas, and household expenses (the necessities - toilet paper, shampoo, laundry detergent, etc.). While I have gotten semi-creative with finances, I don't know if I could be that creative...

So, I guess, once again, I stay put and hope for better to come along. I have people offering me their opinions on both sides of the argument and I finally just had to go with my gut. My gut tells me that even though this would be a step up career-wise, it's not worth it necessarily for me right at this point. Someday? Maybe. I created a pros/cons list for this situation and the $83 additional per month before taxes just didn't win over the other things in my life that have become important to me. I am not looking forward to calling tomorrow to let them know that I have chosen to decline the offer but I feel as if it's something I need to do.

I can hear my Dad telling me one his mantras, "Isn't being a grown-up fun?" When it comes to doing things like this my answer is definitely "no!" Granted, I know that things like this add to my life experience and all but I feel I have had enough life experience for awhile with everything I've gone through... All I can do I guess is continue to face things one thing at a time and not worry about the "what ifs." If I believe that I am making the right decision, I need to stick by my decision and then accept what goes along with my decision.

That being said, I hope I am able to sleep a little better tonight.

Reflections....

Since college, "reflection" has become a semi-evil term in my vocabulary... Let me explain. In order to graduate with my major, I had to collect approximately 50 pieces of "evidence" to prove worthiness of my degree. At almost the one-year point of beginning my blog, someone suggested that I look back and reflect on some of musings from this past year... So, here I go... I am going to attempt and "reflect" on my quest worthiness.....

• I have made it through year one post-divorce and I am working on it not defining me; there are times where the realization of it all still hits me (and I'm sure a part of me will always be affected by it), it's not necessarily as traumatic as it once was
• while I am still living among boxes (and not overly enjoying it), I have completed my fabric "wall" and I absolutely LOVE IT!!
• even though my first potential job fell through (where I thought I was moving a year ago), I have continued to do my job here to the best of my ability and haven't necessarily given up on my job search as of yet
• while I still miss the "comfy-ness" of my old couch (the one my wasband selected when we were married), I realize now that I might now get lost in it; or at least have difficulty getting up after sitting there due to my change in size (smaller is better) =)
• realizing that I was ANGRY with my wasband for convincing me that my weight gain and the size that I had gotten to was "okay" because, in his words, there was just "more of (me) to love"
• coming to terms with also being ANGRY with my wasband for telling me that no matter my size, I was still as beautiful as the day he married me; and the sad part is, because my self-esteem was so low, I believed him. I began to see myself through his eyes and started to convince myself that I was "okay" how I was. When he left me, my eyes were opened and I began to hate myself - - this is something I am really working on changing...
• realizing that even though I didn't want the divorce initially, it's probably best for me that it happened when it did - - and I have realized that knowing how things have ended up, I would still marry the wasband again because all of the choices I made have lead me to the path I am on today
• there are days where I still find it difficult to believe that I actually have lost right around 100 pounds (and find it really difficult to believe that I had that and more to actually lose)
• I am working on throwing off the layers of my insecurities and allow people to see the "real" me
• I have learned that it is not necessarily a weakness to cry
• it is also not necessarily a sign of weakness to ask for help when I need it
• I am working on being able to accept compliments (something that has never been an easy thing for me)
• while I'm not there yet, I am working on trying to find a "balance" between my day-to-day activities
• there are times I really enjoy having my "own space" (even if it's rented and essentially in someones basement), there are times I get lonely, even with my two dogs
• although I still have moments where I think it might be a good idea to hop into my car and continue to drive until I reach the ocean and continue to drive, those moments are becoming less frequent
• I have amazed myself (and others) with the apartment "upgrades" I have done - cleared a rat sized clog from my sink, re-caulked the bathtub, added a rain-head shower head to my shower, assembled and put up my fabric "wall", and who knows what I'll come up with next =)
• SUPER excited that I have discovered my passion for belly dance (thanks, Mom!!) and the fact that I am good at it
• I have taken myself to the movies a couple of times and while I don't think it will be an all the time thing, I have enjoyed it when I have done it
• successfully have changed the windshield wipers on my car without assistance
• realizing that I have to work on liking/loving myself before anyone else can
• facing some of the truly awful things from my past by admitting that I needed to go to counseling (and I actually went)
• recognizing that while I may have worked on some of the issues from my past, they won't just go away, I will bring them into any future relationships and they will be something to work on then as well
• realizing that while I may have "impossible dreams" at times, that doesn't mean that I can't strive for them anyway
• recognizing that even though I may want answers, it's probably a good thing that I don't know all of the answers or know what my future may hold
• writing my blog has helped connect me to family/friends as well as being therapeutic for myself

While this may not be 50 or more pieces of "evidence of quest worthiness" I think it is important for me to recognize what I have learned and the accomplishments I have made in the last year. As someone wise told me, you can't continue to grow if you don't recognize the accomplishments that you have achieved along the way. So, I give myself a pat on the back.

Thank you to all of you who have joined me along my quest thus far and I am looking forward (as I hope you are too) to seeing where this next year of blogging may lead me. =)

Busy, busy, busy....

I can't believe that the weekend is already coming to a close... This past week and weekend, I have been extremely busy and, unfortunately, this upcoming week is going to be just as busy. I guess that may be a good thing - staying busy helps to keep me out of trouble. =)

I have some projects that I am going to be working on that I am excited to start. One of those projects involves my blog... I am approaching the one year mark of beginning "Gypsy's Quest" and I am looking back on what has taken place in this past year. This post will be appearing in the next week or so (I hope). Another project I am getting ready to begin involves my apartment...

In some ways I can't believe that I have been in my apartment for just about a year now. I was only planning on this being an interim apartment and then my out-of-state move fell through. I have been attempting to make this apartment "my own" but it is difficult to do when I don't have the space to empty all of my boxes and put things "away." So, because I am still looking at a wall of boxes (UGH! I hate warehouse living!!!!), I am going to create a fabric "wall" to hide the boxes some. I think I am going to create a frame for my wall using PVC pipe (because my landlords really don't want me to put any type of hole in the wall or I would just use hooks to hang my wall from the ceiling), so one of my missions for the week is to measure and buy PVC pipe. I bought the fabric for my wall some time ago but the project was kind of put on the back burner. I think the time has come to resurrect the project and cover some of these unsightly boxes...

I'm not sure why, once again, things that I have wanted to do have gone by the wayside. I get so wrapped up at times doing things for others that I put myself on hold and say, "I'll go back to 'me' eventually." This is something that I have struggled with most of my life. I just haven't seen myself as a priority. Sure, I will occasionally do something that is just for me, but it's not something that has been a focus of mine. I don't want to go from one extreme to the other and go from not focusing on myself to becoming narcissistic, but I do want to make myself a focus. I need to do it for myself before I can allow someone else into my life I think...

I think I will get there one of these days, I just have some areas of my life that I need a little more work and this is one of those things. Maybe when I work on my "wall," I will need to put on some sounds of the ocean to draw inspiration from... We'll see what I come up with...

Accomplishments.....

I got some stuff accomplished this past week and one of the things I did was something I never have done before - - I changed the windshield wipers on my car! =) This is something I have asked others to do for me in the past, but today, for some reason, I decided it was something I should do for myself. I even tested them to make sure they didn't go flying off of my car when I turned them on... =)

Yesterday, after two hours of belly dance class, I went with one of my troupe members to buy fabric for a new costume that we need. We found some fabulous material and got great deals on it. For some of our upcoming performances we are going to be wearing the same costume in different colors. We were able to pick whatever color we wanted and I ended up choosing lime green. =) It's not a color that I wear on a regular basis so I think it will be fun to wear it as a belly dance costume. I even have material for my spectacular costume creator (Mom - thank you SO much yet again!!!!) to make me a pair of lime green pants. =)

For another pair of dance pants, I found black material with gold animal stripes/swirls on it. I think that this material will make some really fun/funky dance pants to wear for rehearsal and potentially some performances. They will be very unique. =)

Another thing that I accomplished this week is something that my wasband told me he was going to take care of that SURPRISE, he didn't...... Am I overly surprised? No, not really. I mean, look at all of the other things he said he was going to do and didn't - both during our marriage and then after the fact.... Anyway, back to what I did. He sent me a message asking if I would possibly be able to remove him from my car loan. So, with trepidation, I called the bank (after calling my Dad first because I wanted to ask someone about my biggest fear - what happens if I don't get approved for the loan; do I lose my car?!?). After discussing my options, applying for my own refinance loan, they approved me for my own loan so my car is now in my name and I don't have to worry about his name being on the title anymore.

It's nice to know, really know, that the car is mine (even if the bank holds the lien) and that the wasband isn't able to do anything with/to it. While there are times that my car annoys me, it is my car and it fits my personality. Until he brought it up, I hadn't even thought about the fact he was still on my car loan/title.

One other accomplishment from this past week occurred in belly dance class. I have been working to overcome our double veil choreography. Not to overcome the steps necessarily (even though I do need to work on the choreography still), but the emotions behind the music of the piece we are dancing to. As I wrote last week, the piece of music reminds me of the disintegration of my marriage (the emotions associated behind it all). When we were working on our double veil piece this week, I was able to use the emotions I feel in the music and put it into my dance. While I still have a way to go with it still, I am working to overcome it and that's what's important.

We'll see what this upcoming week has in store for me...