Further insights from belly dance

This weekend has been physically and emotionally draining for me.... Even though yesterday I took a three and a half - four hour nap in the afternoon, I have still been tired...

Yesterday in my belly dance class we worked very hard on two particular pieces. The first hour we worked on a piece that can be considered upbeat and athletic. After working on that piece for an hour, we ran through our 13-minute program for a performance we have coming up and then spend the remainder of the second hour working on another particular piece. The piece we worked on in the second hour requires the use of two veils. A belly dance veil is most often a piece of silk that is three yards long (so we were using a combined total of six yards of silk) - doesn't sound too bad, right? WRONG!! Working with a veil is physically exhausting (a total arm/upper body workout) and the music is often very emotional. The piece of music that my troupe uses for its double veil dance is particularly draining for me emotionally...

I don't know what it is about this particular piece of music but it reminds me of the disintegration of my marriage; specifically after the wasband left. The way the music sounds to me is (belly dance music is subjective and changes from person to person listening), it begins sad, goes to angry, back to sad and then ends with a sigh of contentment. Going through that piece over and over and over for an hour left me completely drained emotionally. I will just have to continue to listen to the piece so it doesn't take over my emotions. I know that veil dances are supposed to be emotional dances but I don't want to end up performing it one day and break down in tears because my emotions take over. Maybe I just need to allow it to happen at home one day and get it out of my system...

I'm not sure if it's the music we are using for veil or just veil work in general but I don't know if it's necessarily for me. My Mom suggested that I may need to find a different type of music (relaxation or yoga music) to just practice using my veil to - a piece that I don't have an emotional connection to and see if that may give me a different perspective of veil dancing. I want to be a well-rounded belly dancer so it's something that I may need to look into.

My belly dance instructor did say something neat about me this past week; we were working on some difficult moves and my instructor said that she understands that these moves are difficult and she then said they were difficult for everyone but me because I must have been a belly dancer in a previous life or two. I then said that was a neat thought but I work on the moves just as hard and will often work on them at home especially if I am struggling with a specific move.

Another thing my instructor told me is I'm not a "baby dancer" anymore and that I am now in the advanced class. I said that many times I feel like I need to be with the baby dancers again and she (as well as another advanced dancer) told me "no." In a way it's nice to be classified with the more advanced dancers after less than a year of dance training but it can sometimes be intimidating as well. All I can continue to do is my best and keep dancing for the sheer joy of it.

I love the way that dancing makes me feel and why not continue to do it - even if/when it gets difficult....

Isn't being a grown-up fun?

To answer my own question - no, there are definitely times that being a grown-up is NOT fun! Isn't it ironic that when we are kids, we can't wait to be grown-up, and then when we are adults we wish we could be kids again.... The only downside would be you would have to go through all of the garbage once again.... I guess I'll just stick with being a grown-up....

This past week has been one of emotional ups and downs.... I think part of it comes from getting back into the everyday swing of things after having my vacation and having my brother visit. It was nice having someone other than my dogs to talk to at the end of the day. Oh, well. My dogs are kind of like my kids so they have to put up with all of my idiosyncrasies. =)

I guess in some ways I have become disillusioned with some things this past week. I was hoping to hear back from the job I had interviewed for and I haven't heard back (I did call them on Friday as a follow-up but I had to leave a message). I have applied for other jobs this weekend and we'll see if I get a follow up from anyone. There are times I wish that I could just make someone hire me but I don't think that it works that way (cause then, no one would be unemployed.....). I mean, I know I should be happy that I have a job, but still.....

It didn't help that this week someone I work with asked me "don't you want more? You have a degree, why aren't you doing something more with your life?" I know that this person was just asking me a question (they haven't been working with us very long) and she was just trying to get to know me some, but it will still hard to hear. My response is, yes, I do want more it's just been some crummy situations that have lead me to this point and I'm trying to move on...

I also can't believe it's been almost one year since I had to go to court to have the judge tell me that the marriage was over. In four months it will be two years since my wasband walked out on me without a look back. That's still hard for me sometimes.... While the pain isn't as raw as it was, it is still there and I know that it will take time still to be completely over things - and I don't know if I will ever be completely over the situation.... Only time will tell...

One of the good things that DID happen this week is, yesterday I lead my very first belly dance at the studio yesterday! My instructor and another dancer went to a workshop yesterday and my instructor asked me if I would be her substitute teacher. It was kind of neat to have a key to the studio. I got there about an hour before the beginning class to get the studio opened and then I took advantage of the fact that I was the only one there and I danced in the studio. Just me. My choice of music. My time to work on class choreography and solo music. It makes me not want to give her the key back tomorrow. =)

In the beginner's class, we went over the first dance that I ever learned. It was fun to break it down and go through it again. If nothing else, it reminded me of where I was in my life when I learned that dance for the first time... I had little to no self-esteem.... Even though I had lost approximately 45-50 pounds at that point, I wasn't happy with my body... I didn't even think that I could do belly dance let alone, less than a year later, perform 3 solos and teach a class! I guess that's one of the things about life, if you allow it, good things can come out of bad situations.

I guess that's just something that I have to keep reminding myself - - good things can come from not so great situations. Only time will tell what those things are going to be... While it's difficult to be patient, it's a necessary evil of being a grown-up.... Sigh....

What is "normal" anyway?

Well, my brother went home yesterday and my dogs have been looking for him since. It's kind of funny that they are looking for him since he didn't really interact with them when he was here. =) I'm finding out, after having him visit for just over a week, that my apartment is once again too quiet ... I had become mostly used to being alone and the quiet that brings and now it's quiet again. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed having him visit, it's just going to take some time getting used to the quiet again...

My brother and I were pretty busy when he was here, sure we had our couch potato moments but we also did some of the "tourist-y" things in the area. I think some of his favorite things from his visit were the belly dance performances, but I can't really blame him for that - - we are pretty fun to watch. ;)

When we danced this past Friday, we were once again dancing outside and it was cold and windy. I think that's going to be the "norm" for our outdoor performances and the nice sunny days will be the performance days that we don't expect. Oh, well. At least the cold helps make our shimmies more "genuine." ;)

On my way back from dropping my brother off at the airport yesterday, I went to the mall and bought myself some new belly dance jewelry. I got some new bangle bracelets (which are always good for dancing) and a chunky/sparkly bracelet (also good for dancing). I then went to another store and bought some colored rhinestones to work on a belly dance wrap that I started but ran out of rhinestones before I could finish it. With my Mom's permission, I used a belly dance silhouette that she drew and used rhinestones to put the silhouette onto my wrap. I'm pretty impressed with how it turned out (don't worry Mom, I'll send you photos) and am looking forward to wrapping up in it for our next performance (or maybe I'll wrap up in it on my way to/from rehearsal tomorrow night). =)

Then today, I did something that I don't tend to do. I took myself to get something to eat after church (and I actually ate at the restaurant rather than just taking it to go) and then I took myself to the movies. It was just as fun/liberating as the last time I took myself to the movies (I could sit where ever I wanted to and didn't have to share my popcorn with anyone) but one of the scenes in the movie did bring tears to my eyes... In the movie, the man proposed and asked if he could spend forever loving her... It just hit a little too close to home from how short my own offered "forever" ended up being....

There are times where I just wonder when is all of this going to end..... No, I don't want him back; especially after some of the stuff that he's pulled. I don't know, maybe I'm just looking for some semblance of normalcy - whatever that may be... Maybe just one more time I'm looking for just a glimpse of what the future may hold. I don't want to spoil the surprise of what the entire future holds; it would just be nice to know what the next step might be...

I had a phone job interview this past week and I wish I had a better feeling on how it may have gone. I feel as if I answered the questions in the "right" way but it all depends on what answers the panel was looking for. The job is one that I would like to be offered and it would provide me a growth opportunity professionally... I guess it's just one more time where it's a wait and see game.... They said that they would get back with me so I will keep you posted if/when I hear anything.

=)

Shimmy, shimmy, shimmy =)

Let me begin by wishing everyone a Happy Fourth of July! I hope everyone was able to spend the day with family/friends. I was lucky enough to do both - not all of my family or all of my friends but I did get to spend time with both. =)

My brother arrived safe and sound (and most importantly, on time!) on Friday and we have been pretty busy since. He arrived this past Friday and I took off a half day of work to go pick him up from the airport. We then came back to my apartment so I could get ready for my belly dance performance that evening. I had a solo lined up to perform at a local coffee house in a program that consisted of a combination of solos and troupe dances. The troupe that I dance with didn't perform; my instructor encouraged us to go out on our own to line up a solo if we wanted to. I decided to go for it. =)

Everyone said I did really well with my solo and my brother took some pretty cool pictures. I was nervous about doing it but I made it through and I can use this experience to grow as a dancer.

Yesterday my brother accompanied me to dance class (which he thought was pretty cool) and then he and I headed to one of the local beaches. We walked on the sand for about an hour and then we went and got something to eat. After we did that, I did something that I think was a good thing (but could probably be conceived as slightly evil as well - but I am okay with this). =) I took some video games that once belonged to my wasband (including some games that he bought for me at one point or another that I never play anymore) and traded them in for games that I will actually play. I'm excited about my new games and it feels like one more piece of closure to have those games that were "his" out of the apartment.

Then today, my belly dance troupe performed for a local Fourth of July celebration. My Mom once again created a WONDERFUL costume for me (thanks Mom!!) and we had a lot of fun at our performance! I argued with my instructor at one point (just a situation where she told me "yes," I responded "no" and she told me to do it anyway) when she asked me to lead the troupe for one of the dances! So along with completing my third belly dance solo in the last almost 8 months that I have been taking lessons, I can also say that I have lead the troupe! =)

After the performance, we went to another street festival for the Fourth where my church was participating. They were doing a hot dog fundraiser so that's what we decided to do for lunch. There were live bands performing across the street from where they were vending so we listened to the music for a little bit, wandered around and then came back to the apartment and just kind of relaxed (we've had a busy last couple of days). =)

We are thinking about going back to the beach tomorrow but who knows where we'll end up. That's one of the nice things about vacation - even if there is something you have "planned" you can choose to do it or not. Granted, we do have a few things planned but as for the rest, we can play it by ear.

My brother will have one more opportunity to see my belly dance troupe perform this coming Friday night; we'll see if I'll be "asked" to lead the troupe again or not. =)