getting stuff accomplished

Well, my sunburn from last week is starting to itch and peel a little bit but I guess that's what it is supposed to do. One of these days I will remember to wear sunscreen so it doesn't happen again... I will definitely have to try and remember next week since we are belly dancing outside. There are certain places I don't want to be sunburned (stomach and lower back being two of those main places)...

Friday after work, yesterday and today I have made significant progress in getting my apartment straightened up for my brother visiting on Friday. I think I even have a place for a queen-sized air mattress to go down and inflate! That is a major improvement from how I started. I thought he might have to sleep on top of a box or maybe even outside.... =)

I got my time off request approved so I will be able to spend most of his visit off of work (I have to go into work one day but think I might have him come in with me at least for a little bit that day to see what a typical day for me is like). =)

I really am looking forward to his visit because he and I haven't really spent any length of time just "hanging out" since we've been adults. He and I were kind of at opposite ends of the spectrum growing up but, as adults, have found we have more in common than we thought growing up. Plus it will be nice to have someone to hang out with - a person (no offense to my dogs, but sometimes it's nice to spend time with a person; especially family). Granted, I still have some things to do before he gets here (and my week is already pretty full) but it will all get done one way or another...

With all of the cleaning and moving of boxes and such, I think my dogs are pretty confused. I've had to moves one of their beds a couple of times (just so I didn't put a box or two on it) and I had to move their food bowls as well. Everything got moved back when I was finished in that area but I was just trying to keep their things out of the way and not break them. I'm sure that I'm imagining things and it really didn't affect them one way or another but that's sometimes the result when you only come home to animals (you tend to project thoughts/feelings onto your pets).

When I was moving boxes, I came across one that I opened but maybe should have left it shut... As I opened the box, I came across a family photo taken a number of years ago (in the "before" time; pre-divorce and such) and a wooden carving that my Grandpa did before he passed away. I used to love just sitting with him as I grew-up just watching him carve... When I discovered my "find," I had a meltdown and began to cry. I guess that's what happens with grief though, it will creep up on you at unexpected times and sometimes over nothing really at all.

Don't get me wrong, it's nice to have these few reminders of "home" to have available, I just didn't expect them to hit me the way that they did. Maybe that is just a way to show me that I needed to have the reminders of home available; I just didn't know that I did. As someone wise reminded me today, I just need to take all of this in stride and "use it in my acting." =)

Well, before it gets too much later, I suppose I should get a little bit more work done around the apartment and maybe work on my belly dance solo for this upcoming Friday. I wish all of my readers a good week and will update you on my two upcoming belly dance performances next week! =)

Bumps and Bruises... cont. (as well as Sunburned)

I was re-reading my post from last week and realized that I may need to go a little more in depth to what I wrote.... The shock to my system that I referred to last week came from finding out that my wasband has gotten remarried. I didn't hear it from him directly but when I questioned him about it (via text message), he didn't deny it either. I guess I don't know why I expected him to be honest since he's lied to me before (he promised me "forever" and that we wouldn't end things in divorce). Oh, well. What's done is done....... I can choose to dwell on what I can't change or move on. I am going to try and move on... It hurts but I'm still going to try and move on...

The sunburn comes in from going with a friend to a flea market today. I did something unlike me and wore a sundress but forgot to put on sunscreen.... At least, at this moment, it doesn't hurt but I'm sure it will be a little tender come tomorrow (especially when I don't wear a sundress to work). I did get some really neat (and inexpensive) jewelry for belly dancing. I also got some awesome material to create a "wall" (thanks for the suggestion, Mom) to cover some of my boxes. =)

Mom suggested that I either use a tension rod or some PVC pipe to create a fabric "wall" to add some color to my white apartment as well as cover some of the boxes that I still have in my apartment (due to lack of space). I'm actually looking forward to the project - I don't have a solid idea of how I'm going to create my new "wall" but I'm excited about the creative process. It will at least give me a new project. =)

I had thought at one point of getting on of those room dividing screens but decided my dogs might crash into it and knock it over. That would be a bad thing... With my luck it would either land on one (or both) of the dogs when it fell over or it would fall on me. Hanging a piece of fabric is a little less of a safety issue (unless I fall off of the ladder when hanging it). =)

At least I have a reason to work on straightening up my apartment - - I found out this past week that one of my brothers wants to come visit me! =) With his visit, I'm hoping to actually get some time off of work (I've been working where I do for two years this past April and I've only taken about 2 1/2 days off - the day after my wasband left me, the day after I got divorce papers and 1/2 a day for court). It'll be nice to take time off for something that is "fun." I joked with him that I might have a box that he can sleep on. =)

I'm excited too about when he's coming since he'll get to see me dance - a solo and then dances with the troupe. We have talked about the dances that we are going to perform as a group and I know all but one at this point. Him coming is going to be motivation for me to work on that dance. =)

Well, since I went to a belly dance party yesterday (it was a birthday party for one of the gals I dance with) and spent most of today at the flea market, I should probably work on my lesson plan for this upcoming week.... Hope everyone has a spectacular week! =) Also, Happy Father's Day to all of the Dad's out there; especially to my Dad!! =)

Bumps and Bruises...

I have been sitting here, staring at the computer screen for I don't know how long without writing anything. I feel like I have a lot to write about today, I'm just not really sure where to begin...

I don't know if any of you out there reading have felt as if the world is still moving as you are desperately trying to play catch up... And anytime you do catch up, you stumble a little (or a lot) and then have to play catch up again. That's kind of where I am in my quest. I felt as if I had "caught up" to certain aspects of my life and was working towards moving on and I've now tripped. Not just tripped, but skinned my knees and palms in the process.

I know that I will be okay and these are only "flesh wounds" but annoying none the less. I know that only I can let these minor irritations affect me if I let them, but when you first fall down the wounds sting/hurt and it takes time for that pain to go away. It worsens when you feel that pain in your heart.

There have been things that I found out this week that have been a blow to my healing heart and it made some of the pain from those injuries reappear. It's almost like using lemon juice and finding out you have a paper-cut on your finger; you didn't think using the lemon juice was going to hurt and then it did. Part of me wonders why I let the news I found out this week affect me; but then another part says, "it did affect you, so why analyze the pain? Find a way to work through it again. You survived the first time and you will again." Unfortunately saying it and doing it are two different things...

While there are times where I wish I could turn my feelings on and off like I would a light switch, it's just not something that I can do. Maybe that wouldn't be a good thing after all because without pain can you truly appreciate passion? Without pain can you truly appreciate happiness? Without pain can you truly be thankful for the good things in your life? I guess I will just, once again, have to use this experience to improve myself along my quest.

When I find out news that I wasn't expecting, I have a tendency to then over-analyze the situation(s) leading up to that unexpected news. Then, in that "over-analyzation" mode, I often will then focus on the "what if's......" In my head I know that learning from the past is a good thing but I also have to remember I don't want to live in the past because I then will miss out of what the future has in store for me.

I guess I just have to think of it in terms of just because I may fall down and scrape my knees and palms if I'm running, will I stop running? No. If I bump into my couch and give myself a bruise will I stop sitting on the couch? No. Just because I've had bumps and bruises to my heart in my marriage that resulted in divorce, does that mean I will never put my heart out there again? No. I would love to get married again, but that may mean bumps and bruises along the way... I guess I'll just have to get a well-stocked first aid kit... =)

The Journey.....

I spent part of my day today doing housework and I have decided that I despise washing dishes and folding/putting away laundry. I know that they are both necessary "evils" but that doesn't mean I have to like doing them. =)

There are some other things I have decided I don't like either but it comes to not liking having to do them alone. I have decided that I hate sleeping alone. Three nights this last week, when my alarm has gone off, I have been lying crosswise across the bed. I have found that this doesn't make for a very restful night. I also have decided that I hate grocery shopping alone. Grocery shopping with someone else helps decide what you might like to eat in advance - cooking for one is not too exciting in my opinion. Maybe I just need to get more creative with the things that I am cooking...

I guess one of the things that it nice about sleeping alone is, now that it is warming up, it's not too warm in the bed to sleep. Even though it is wonderful to sleep in the arms of the one you love, it is also nice to sleep in a nice cool bed. I guess that's a contradiction... That's okay. I don't mind being a contradiction... =)

Another contradiction is while I enjoy my job, it was REALLY nice having last Monday off of work. I didn't even do anything exciting with my day off but it was nice to have a day that I could do whatever I wanted. While some people would say that happens every weekend, I seem to have something to do each weekend. Maybe I'll just have to see about taking a day off of work and just drive somewhere so I don't have to worry about doing anything. We'll just have to see if I actually do it or not...

This weekend, when I was looking for something, I came across a letter that someone had written me a number of years ago. In a way it was nice to be reminded about what was in the letter but it also made me feel sad. In the letter, the person had mentioned three couples (my wasband and I were one of the couples mentioned) and now, all of those marriages have ended in divorce for one reason or another. That is a depressing statistic in my opinion. If I enter into another relationship, I will make my wishes known that I don't ever want to go through another divorce - - especially if there are children involved.

Seeing my friends with their children or expecting children, reiterates my desire to have children of my own some day. If I have children someday, I definitely wouldn't want to drag them through a divorce. From working with kids, I have seen what divorce can do to a child and I wouldn't want that for my own children. Someone asked me if I have considered adoption, for the outside chance I don't find someone to spend my life with. While I would be open to adopting a child, I would like to ensure their future before I do so. Living in a tiny apartment and still paying debt off from my failed marriage, isn't a situation I would necessarily want to bring a child into. I know that having a child (naturally or through adoption) is a feeling like no other but it is also a responsibility. I think I should have more of "me" figured out before I bring a child into my life.

While I am working on figuring out "me," there are days where I feel like I take a step forward and others where I take two steps back. I am thankful for the days where I feel as if I am making progress along my journey. On the other hand, I am working on not beating myself up too much for the days I don't make any progress or even feel as if I go backwards. Something else to show me that I am still on my journey.

Another life lesson from belly dance - - my instructor has reminded us that there is magic in the world around us if we open our eyes and look. She has also reminded us in our choreography the destination isn't as important as the journey to get there. I am working on applying that to my life as well...