Thoughts...

Let me begin today's post by saying a big "thank you" to all who are serving or have served in the United State's Armed Forces. It is truly an honor to know the service members that I do.

Today, it was a beautiful day here, so I decided to walk to church. I figured I only live about two blocks away, so why not. I think with the summer weather approaching, I might have to walk to church more often. =)

Yesterday I went shopping with a friend of mine from work because she needed to pick up some maternity clothes. While the trip was a little difficult for me (since I still want to have my own children some day), I felt as if it was a necessary part of my quest. While children are something that I would like for myself, I can still be happy for those around me who are welcoming a new life into the world. One of the things I told my friend on the shopping trip is something my Mom has told me - - you have to buy clothes that fit and sometimes not look at the size on the tag.

My friend had tried on a top in a medium and while it fit right now, it wasn't going to fit her for long (she is currently about 3 1/2 months pregnant). I offered to go get the same blouse in a large so she could try it on and she didn't seem to keen on that idea. I told her to try it on and she could always cut the tag out of it later. I just wanted her to be comfortable wearing the top and didn't want her to pass it by just because of the size she would need to buy it in. This is an idea I haven't always been comfortable with myself but it is one that I am working on...

While we were shopping, we went into one of "my" stores and I found a few tops for myself. I was super excited in my selections because I was able to buy a size in that store that I haven't before - a lower size! YAY! I guess that just means it's time to go through my closet again and downsize... =)

Another thing to be happy about is a comment my Mom made when I was talking to her today. I had sent Mom and Dad the photos taken during my belly dance solo last week and Mom told me that in looking at the photos, I look genuinely happy and she hasn't seen that in about two years or so. Looking at the pictures myself, I agree with her. I don't know what it is about belly dancing but I am finding a part of myself that even I didn't know was missing. Not only is belly dance improving me physically, it is improving my self-confidence and filling a void in my life (and not just the void my wasband left). It's hard to explain...

While I began dancing after he left, I am dancing for me and that's something I haven't felt I could do before. Belly dance is something just for me; because it brings joy to my life. As I said, I know there was a void in my life when my wasband left but there was a part of me that even I didn't know was missing; the me deep down inside, the me even I didn't know existed. I guess, in a way, I should thank my wasband for leaving me, if nothing else so I could find this part of me (as well as face the demons from my past).

After just a few lessons, belly dance has become an "addiction" and I can't imagine my life without it right now or anytime in the near (or distant) future. =) There are times where I may struggle with a section of choreography or a particular movement; it makes me that much more determined to work on it. With that thought, I think I am going to work on a move or two before heading to bed for tonight. Keep shimmying! =)

A Productive Week

This past week was a very productive one.... I decided to go for it and I bought myself a new shower head - one of the rain ones (actually my work bought it for me - I got a gift card for "provider appreciation" day and I used that to buy the shower head). It was simple to install and it is FABULOUS! =)

A hurdle from this week was that this past week was my wasband's birthday. Since it was his birthday, I decided to buy myself some presents instead. =) I thought that sounded like a good idea. I bought myself some pieces for belly dancing - I figured the dancing is something I'm doing for me so I thought it was appropriate. =) I bought a new pair of dance pants (which are black with a mesh insert down the outside of the leg with blue/black geometric shapes all over the mesh inserts). I also bought a new hip wrap from my dance instructor (she has had it on display for sale in the studio for a while now and I have been looking at it and just decided to buy it).

The hip wrap I bought is the one that I decided to wear for our belly dance performance yesterday. Let me rewind a little though.... I went to dance class last Monday night and the instructor was talking to us about our upcoming performance (the one that we had yesterday). She said that we would be doing some troupe dances and then some solos. She asked me if I would be willing to do a solo and my first response was "um.... no....." and she responded, "how about do it anyway...." So, needless to say, I ended up performing a solo yesterday.

I danced to the same song I did back in the beginning of April. I, of course, couldn't remember the moves I did in that performance so I tried to come up with new choreography. While I was performing, I once again forgot the choreography I had come up with but I continued to dance and that's what's important. I also remembered to SMILE through the dance which is something I have been working on.

People told me that I did a good job with my solo and I even got my first tip ($1 from the dancer who organized the event - - all of the soloists got a $1 tip). I have seen photos of the solo but I haven't seen the video of the performance for myself. I am proud of myself for doing the solo and I am trying hard not to beat myself up too much for forgetting my choreography. I am trying to tune out the negative voice in my head.....

With help, I have come to the conclusion that it is no longer necessary for me to listen to that voice in my head. I no longer want to listen to that voice in my head. Why should I listen to the voice that tells me that I'm not enough? I am working on giving myself credit for the things that I do achieve and doing a second belly dance solo after only 6 months of lessons is a big deal in my opinion. A friend of mine has been doing belly dance for years and she has never done a solo. Not that anything is wrong with her not doing a solo, I am proud of myself for going outside my comfort zone and doing two at this point.

That's one of the things that I have learned along my quest so far - - that while going outside of my comfort zone can be scary, if I don't, I won't grow as a person. And if I stop learning and growing, what's the point of being on a quest? For now, I am going to continue along my quest....

Adventures in caulking.....

This last week, I had another adventure in home improvement in the bathroom of the apartment. I had noticed that the caulking was starting to peel off in a few places along the edge of the bathtub and there were a few spots of mildew. I found a book that is full of home improvement projects with step-by-step directions as well as drawings. Lucky for me, I even found an unopened tube of caulk in one of the cabinets in my apartment. =)

I started by removing all of the old caulk from around the tub (probably would have gone a little faster if I wouldn't have had two furry helpers - dogs tried to see what I was working on). There were some spots that it was no issue to remove the old caulk and places that I thought I would have to use dynamite to remove the caulk (just needed to use more muscle). I then followed the directions both from the book and from the tube of caulk and ran the caulk along the edge of the tub. I made a mess but the job got done and that's what's important. =)

My next thought is I think I want to install a "rain" shower head in my shower. That is something that I think I should do for myself.... I have used my parent's rain shower head and I fell in love with how it made me feel so I figure why not do it for myself? Then, if/when I move, I can either take it with me to install where I go next or I could leave it here as my "gift" to the apartment (others have left behind dishes, pots and pans, a clothes rack, iron, etc.). It will probably all depend how difficult it is to install/uninstall. But I'm determined to install it myself if I get one.

I'm not sure why my "apartment improvement" has been focused on the bathroom but it may have something to do with the fact my landlords don't want me to hang things from the walls or to paint. Fixing up the bathroom is one of the things that they didn't tell me I couldn't do, so I might as well, right? =) A friend of mine joked with me that I should ask the landlords if they would be willing to reduce the rent with the improvements I making to the apartment. We'll see....

Yesterday I had another belly dance performance outside. This time I remembered to put on sunscreen but I didn't need it. The weather report called for warm and sunny but it ended up being chilly and overcast. I was glad that I grabbed a blanket shawl as I was running out of the house. =)

While we were getting ready to go on stage, I ran into my church choir director and his wife and they came to see the show. After 3 dances, I saw that they were gone and I hoped that we didn't offend them (even though the philosophy of my belly dance instructor is this dance form is rated "G" for family entertainment or it's not belly dance). I found out at church today that they had left because they were cold - I don't blame them - we were all freezing!!

The fun part came from the news that there was going to be an article written about the belly dancers in the local paper this morning! I was even in the background of one of the photos! =) It was neat to read the article and to what someone else had to say about our performance. My choir director even brought me a copy of the article and someone else from church said they saw my photo and they will bring me a copy of it to (I even went and bought a newspaper myself so I could send copies of the article to family).

We have another performance this coming Saturday and then not another one scheduled until the Fourth of July - - but I guess that could always change between then and now. =)

That's okay though. What I thought was going to just be a hobby has turned into a slight addiction/obsession of mine but I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing. =)

Happy Mom's Day =)

Let me begin by wishing a "Happy Mother's Day" to all of the Mom's out there! =)

For the last number of year's, Mother's Day has been bittersweet for me. Don't get me wrong, I wish my Mom a Happy Mother's Day each year, but it has been bittersweet because I have wanted to be a Mom myself. My wasband and I wanted children, it just wasn't in the cards for us (and with how things ended up between us, I am thankful that we didn't have children). As I've been thinking about it this year, I realized that I am a mom - - just a different kind of Mom.... I feel as if "Mom" with a capital "M" is a title you earn when you enter the realm of Motherhood (a title that is well earned/deserved when you go through childbirth or the adoption process). Whereas, "mom" with a lowercase "m" is a title you can give yourself based on the situation.....

I have two "furry babies" (my dogs) and that makes me their "mom." I am a type of surrogate mom daily for the children in my class. Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE one day to have actual children of my own, but at least for now, that dream has been put on hold. Like I said, I wanted desperately to have children with my wasband. When we had difficulty with that, we even saw a specialist - which was a difficult situation for me - and the results of all of that testing was there was no reason we couldn't have children. I know now that there was a reason why we couldn't conceive. It just would have made the entire divorce that much more devastating (and in my opinion, it was devastating enough.....).

I know that lots of people choose to have children on their own or they adopt. Those are both possibilities that I have considered, but for now, I would like to think that there might be a guy out there for me to have a family with. Even if we would end up adopting, I think, for me, I would rather have a "daddy" for any children that I would have. Who knows, I might change my thinking one day, but for now, that is my thoughts on that....

Well, as promised, I will fill you in on the belly dance performances from the last two days. On Friday night, my group and another group performed in a coffee house (which was really odd in my opinion but it ended up being lots of fun!). I got there early because I wasn't sure where I was going and I didn't know what traffic was going to be like. I thought I was in the right place but then started to get nervous because I found a parking spot right across the street from the coffee house and then when I got inside I was the first belly dancer there...... Not a good feeling for someone who doesn't necessarily like to stand out....

Since I didn't have time to eat anything between work, getting ready and rushing to the performance, I decided to order a fruit smoothie to keep my blood sugar up (I decided to order a cherry smoothie and it was SUPER yummy!!). While I was sitting there drinking my smoothie (I was very glad that I had decided to grab a long cardigan sweater before leaving the house) someone from my studio showed up so I then knew for sure I was in the correct place. The troupe from my studio and a troupe from another studio performed that night and we had a really good time!

Then, yesterday, we performed at an outdoor festival and let me tell you, I will NEVER make the mistake of thinking, "oh, we'll just be outside for a little bit...." again! When you are wearing a belly dance costume, there is skin exposed to the sun that isn't typically exposed. Luckily, I didn't burn the skin on my stomach (I can only imagine how much that would hurt!!) but I did burn the top of my chest. Not too bad of a burn, but just enough to be slightly annoying. This coming Saturday we are performing at another outdoor festival and I have already put a thing of sunscreen in my belly dance bag.

Well, it is time to bring yet another post to a close so I can work on my lesson plan for this upcoming week. Happy Mother's Day again to all of the Moms and moms out there!! =)

Another Chapter Closed...

Well, this last week has closed yet another chapter in the book The End of Things with the Wasband. The last piece of furniture was sold and the lease to the storage unit was terminated. Knowing that one more chapter has been closed is bittersweet. I know that it really is over and that's not going to change so I don't know why this is affecting me.... Just one more part of the grieving process, I guess.

Something else that has been affecting me is I'm trying to be happy for my two brothers but I'm having some difficulty with that... My youngest brother has been promoted at work and he and his wife just bought (and closed on) a house. My other brother, is moving into the house next door to my parents. While I am excited for both of my brothers, it also makes me feel like a bit of a loser... I am the only one of my siblings to not live in my "own" place and the only one not around family.

I know that I have been successful in my own right, but looking at what they are accomplishing in a short time is kind of difficult for me. Maybe part of it comes from feeling like my "plate" is overflowing at the moment. Between family, one more chapter with the wasband closing, things at work, my friend moving, it's caused some restless nights and therefore makes some things seem more unmanageable.

I know that it's all a matter of perspective but perspective sometimes is all you have. Especially when you're alone. I know that I have my friends and my family is practically on speed dial =) but things can get awfully lonely in the middle of the night. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I write. Writing gives me the opportunity to not feel so alone since I don't know the number of people out there who read this.

One of the things I want to challenge myself to work on is asking for things I feel I "deserve." If I go above and beyond, ask for something to compensate for my efforts (even if it's just something small). Part of having difficulty with this comes from not wanting to draw attention to myself I think. Up until now, I have wanted to blend into the shadows. No, I have wanted to disappear into the shadows...

When you have issues with how you see your own reflection, you want to blend into the shadows and not draw attention to yourself (at least that's how I have felt). I even would buy clothes that were too big to hide my size.... Now that I have been losing weight, the clothes are even bigger so I look like I'm wearing a parachute. So, now what seemed like my bright idea of the moment, is causing issues now. I guess I will just have to continue to watch for sales and replace items of clothing one at a time (in the right size this time - - no matter what that size needs to be).

Well, this week brings two belly dance performances and a new week in the classroom so I should probably bring this to a close to write this week's lesson plan. Have a great week and I will be sure to write about how the performances go. =)