busy week....

This has been a very eventful week... A very dear friend of mine had a baby boy (everyone is doing wonderfully) and I took care of her 4 year old while the baby was being born. It was kind of fun helping out but it was also hard for me seeing as he and I went to the store and someone asked about my "son." Just a stab to the heart.... I am VERY happy for my friend, her husband and their growing family, but it was still difficult for me. It adds to the difficulty that this friend and her family are moving cross country starting this upcoming week. That's what happens in a military community though. I just have to remember that while our friendship won't be exactly the same (because we won't get to see one another all of the time), that doesn't mean the friendship is over - that's what cell phones and the Internet are for. =)

Because I was helping my friend out, I took my dogs with me to her house and she has two dogs of her own. Let me just say, after having 4 dogs to look after plus a 4 year old, it made me grateful to come back to my apartment with just my two dogs after a few days. But then, after we got home, it made me even question that. I don't know if it was just stress or what, the night we came home, both of my dogs were sick everywhere (both were vomiting and had diarrhea) and at that moment, in a split second of desperation, I questioned if it wouldn't have just been easier to let my wasband take the dogs with him when he wanted them. That made me feel absolutely horrible and I wanted to take it back as soon as I thought it. I know I didn't really mean it and I am very thankful to have them but it still made me feel like a horrible doggy "mama" for even thinking about essentially giving them away. I guess that's just one of those things that stress will do to a person who already feels stressed to the max...

At least there was a ray of sunshine this week. In preparation for some upcoming belly dance performances, we are learning some new choreography. While it is physically and mentally exhausting choreography, it is also rewarding that I can do it. Sure, there are parts that I struggle with but we haven't been working on it that long so I think that's okay. =) The sunshine part came from something my dance instructor told me yesterday before class. She asked me if I realized that I'm a "star" and not just a star a "shooting star." She told me that she has worked with a lot of other dancers over the years but they don't all have the "it" factor, but I do. She said the "it" factor being a combination of a genuine passion and knack for belly dance. That meant a lot coming from someone who has been dancing for 39 years. Yes, I take belly dance lessons from someone who is going to be 60 this year and she acts like she's in her 20's - - she's FABULOUS!

I also was excited to find a white, crocheted shawl that I had bought several years ago, that, with the right embellishments, will make a wonderful hip scarf for belly dancing. Woo hoo for this find! =)

Another "Woo hoo" shout out goes to my Mom, who once again is going to be my tailor of a belly dance costume. While I have my already utterly fabulous costume pieces (that people still ask me where I purchased them from), I need to add to my collection for our upcoming performances. I am extremely thankful that she is willing to do this for me and I know that I ask a lot of her.... One day, it is my sincere hope that I can make it up to her (actually to both of my parents) for all she (they) have done for me over the years (and especially the last year and a half).

Since Mom is going to the trouble of creating a costume for me, I should probably work on learning the choreography to this dance.... That and the not so fun task of preparing a lesson plan for this upcoming week....

I thank everyone once again for joining me on my journey and wish you the very best of luck on whatever quest you find yourself on in your own life. =)

some random thoughts

Wow.... Where has the weekend gone? It feels like it has just zoomed by and I haven't accomplished much. Maybe part of it feels that way because I worked for 6 hours yesterday (we opened the child care center last night for about 6 hours so parent's could attend an event). With working yesterday, it feels like I only had a one day weekend and while it was a good day, it's coming to an end and I didn't get done what I had planned...

This morning at church, I sang a solo. It wasn't the song I was planning on singing, but when I went to practice the song I was planning on Thursday night, everything that could go wrong seemed to.... The sound system began to act up, I had trouble getting the words out of my mouth, nothing seemed to sound right..... So I switched to a different song (the one that first came to mind when I was asked to sing) and everything seemed to fall into place. I guess either the song was meant for me or someone in the congregation.

After church, one of my bestest friends and I went out to lunch and a movie. She is getting ready to have her 2nd son in two days (induction) and then she and her family are moving at the end of this month. I can't believe how fast time has flown!! I mean, she found out she was pregnant right about the time my divorce was finalized in the courts (a few months before I received the actual divorce papers) and now her baby is about to be born.... WOW! Where did all of that time go??

I know that time has passed because time continues whether we want it to or not... Plus, I can mark the passage of time by things I have accomplished in my belly dancing and my weight loss. I also have to remind myself something another friend of mine pointed out - each week that passes is one that has made you (me) stronger... each day, you (I am) are that much better.

It was nice to get that reminder today. There are times I wish that I could go back in time where things were simpler but then I also think that I wouldn't want to lose what I have gained. I know that I there are parts of me that haven't changed in the past year and a half but there are other parts of me that are forever changed. Like I've said before, there are times where I feel as if I can see in the distance the "me" I am working on becoming but I'm not there yet...

I'm not necessarily looking for a "quick fix" or instant gratification, I would just like to feel as if I knew the direction my life was headed. I don't like just waiting.... I feel as if I'm doing what I need to do for me now but I also would like to know where this path is going to lead me......

=)

Today was another belly dance performance for me. =) The troupe performed at a street festival for a dedicated crowd huddled in their coats and under umbrellas (it was cold and rainy - - we were performing on an outside stage under a tent). I envied them huddled in their blankets especially since the wind was blowing the cold rain on us poor half-naked belly dancers... It was a fun performance but I came home afterwards and immediately changed into sweatpants and a sweatshirt. It has rained most of the day, so I have tried to stay warm and cozy inside (my dogs are curled up beside me and I think they appreciate staying warm and cozy on this chilly, rainy day).

I have decided, while I will never truly be a "girly girl," I do enjoy getting dressed up and participating in belly dance performances. It's all about becoming someone else inside of me and it's a part of me I am just beginning to explore. My instructor gave me a copy of the dance from last weekend before class yesterday. When I got home after running some errands, I watched the DVD. After the initial shock, I watched myself dance. It was like I was watching someone else. Part way through watching my performance, I found there were tears in my eyes. The tears came from feeling so proud of myself. I am proud of myself for doing a solo after only dancing for approximately 4.5 months. Sure, there were things I wish I could go back and change (as my instructor told me, I need to work on smiling more when I'm dancing and I would agree with that) but the fact I performed a solo at all is HUGE!

Another thing I am proud of myself for is for one of the thoughts I shared with my instructor. She had sent me some photos via e-mail from the performance last weekend. When I thanked her for sending me the photos, I told her that looking at the photos reminded me of how I felt the night of the performance - - I actually felt beautiful. For those of you out there reading who know me, you know what a big deal that is for me.

As I have shared before, I haven't always had the greatest self-esteem but it is something I am working on. Belly dance has helped me work on this part of my quest. While there are still moments where I may look at how I look and say "ugh!" there are other times where I tell myself that I have the curves of a belly dancer and I should be proud of those curves. I am working on being proud of my curves and making myself healthier overall. These are feelings I may not have ever reached hearing that I was "okay" how I was.... In one aspect, I am glad that I have had the opportunity to reach these conclusions (even if I had to deal with everything I have the last year and a half).

Once again, even more things I'm learning from belly dance....... =)

It was FABULOUS!!

The Casbah is over and not only did I survive, I did GREAT!! I was the first solo dance (we did a beginner's class group dance first and then I did my dance) and I forgot it part way through but I never stopped! One lady came up to me afterwards and told me that after the group dance she was hoping I was going to do one of the solos and then after my solo she's thinking of starting class. =) I thought that was a pretty cool compliment. Another lady asked me how long I have lived in the country and when I told her my entire life, she asked if I had visited the Middle East at least because she thought I looked as if I was from (or visited) Algeria or someplace like that.

When my instructor introduced me, she told everyone that my Mom got me started belly dancing only a few months ago and that Mom had also made my costume for me. I thought it was pretty neat introduction.

Lots of the other dancers told me that I had great energy and they were impressed with my first solo! There was even another instructor who danced last night and she told me that she can't wait to see me on a stage again.My instructor was the final dancer and she danced with zills (finger cymbals) and then she put a candle holder on her head and danced around. Pretty impressive. =)

After all of the solos were over, my instructor put some music on and we all just danced around doing our "own thing." While I was exhausted afterwards, it was SO much fun and I am looking forward to performing again.

On the other end of the emotional spectrum, today I said "goodbye" to my wasband. Tomorrow he is moving to another city in the state (a number of hours away) so this is, most likely, the last time I will ever see him. I guess it is kind of appropriate that it rained today.... It was bittersweet to have the opportunity to be able to see him one last time and have a chance to talk with him some. While it was difficult, it was a chance for me to be able to end that chapter in my life. I will never forget him or our time together (and he told me that he will always remember me and doesn't, even now, regret marrying me) but, unfortunately for us, it just wasn't meant to be forever.

I do, honestly, wish the best for him and his own adventures. He wished the same for me. He said no matter what, he believes that good things are in store for me and I just have to show the world the "real me" and he thinks no one will be able to resist me.

While in some ways it was difficult for me to hear those things for him, it was also good for me to hear it from him, I think. To hear from him that he still thinks I am a good person after all that we have been through the last 16 months (and to see in his eyes that he truly meant it) touched my heart and caused me to realize that he's right...

Even though I have made mistakes in my life and I wasn't the perfect wife for him, that doesn't mean I can't be the wife someone else is looking for. Now that this chapter is truly closed, maybe I will be able to find that man....

But, for now, I will continue to focus on me and the things that I love doing (belly dance) and if I happen to find him, great. =) And if I don't find him anytime soon, that's great too...