Adventure.....

I took myself on an adventure yesterday. I traveled approximately an hour and a half north (alone) to visit two belly dance shops. In order to budget myself, I took cash with me and told myself that I didn't want to spend anymore than I had on hand. Surprisingly, I stuck to my budget (even though I wanted to spend WAY more than the cash I took with me) and bought a dance top and what's referred to as a "flying skirt" (it's also called a 25 yard skirt). I love both pieces that I bought! =)

The top is black lace with really cool sleeves (up close the lace looks like spider webs but you can't tell what it is at a distance) and the skirt is black with a strip of turquoise velvet at the bottom and it's covered with different colored outlined mirrors. And to make this weekend even more perfect, I got an e-mail from my Mom saying that she finished my costume and I should get the box Tuesday!! YAY!!

While I am SUPER excited to have the pieces that I bought, the pieces Mom already sent me and the ones I should get in the next few days, I am also SUPER nervous about Saturday. This upcoming Saturday, I am dancing a solo piece at my dance studio (we are turning it into a nightclub for the evening). Granted, I love the piece that I chose (it's a very fun, funky, Middle Eastern version of the song "I Put a Spell on You") but it makes me nervous to perform (since I haven't done it yet) and to make it worse, my instructor told us she's going to videotape the performance.... Oh, well. Gotta do the first solo dance at some point.....

On my adventure, I had a very yummy vanilla ice cream cone (on my way home) and I only got a little bit lost.... I got turned around but luckily I was talking to my Mom on the phone (using my headset, of course) and she was able to help me back to the highway I needed in order to get home. But I guess getting a little lost (or a lot lost) is okay when you are on an adventure/quest...

I am also impressed with myself because besides taking myself on my adventure, I didn't bring any work home with me this weekend. I had work that I could have brought home (it seems as if I always have work that I can bring home), I just chose to leave it all at work so I could focus on my adventure. While part of me feels guilty for not bringing it home (cause I did have time that I could have worked on it), another part of me is really proud that I chose not to focus on work this weekend but focus on myself.

The one thing that happened this weekend that I'm not really sure how I feel about it is my wasband received orders to move to a different location in the state. While on one hand, it will be a relief not having to wonder if/when I'm going to run into him; on the other hand, I wonder why he gets to leave the area first.... The only reason I moved here in the first place was to follow him/his career. Now, he's leaving and I have to stay. Kind of feels as if he's leaving his "extra baggage" behind while he gets to move on...

I know that I am on my own quest and I have made progress on said quest however this is just a shock. Plus, I'm not sure why it was a shock and that's what makes me even more frustrated...

But I guess I just have to keep telling myself that tomorrow is another day...

Gave myself a compliment....

For those of you out there who know me, you may be surprised/impressed what I had to say about myself yesterday... In preparation for a belly dance performance, my Mom is making me a costume (thank you, thank you, thank you!!) and she needed my measurements. While giving her the numbers over the phone some of them made me go "ugh!" but after I thought about it for a moment, I told her, "well, they are way smaller than they have been..."

Rather than focusing on the numbers (which I'm not going to share on here...), I was able to realize that they aren't where they have been in the past. Plus, I am still actively working on making them smaller and smaller by the food choices I'm making and by continuing my belly dance class.

I mean, I'm obviously doing something right... This weekend I bought myself two new shirts and I didn't have to buy them in the Plus Size department! Even though one of the shirts I bought was XL, it was still in the "regular" Women's department (the other shirt I actually bought in a size L - granted it is a tunic top and is still really baggy, it is a L!). I was also impressed with the fact I didn't buy the tunic in my "go to" color, black. I had a black one in my hands and opted to buy a green tunic instead. The other shirt that I decided to buy was a nice, fun, cheery orange color. I just figured at some points it is nice to have a little more color in one's life.

Another reason that I'm kind of impressed with myself this week (as well as questioning my sanity - hehehe) is I have decided to do a solo belly dance performance piece in just a couple of weeks. We are turning my dance studio into a night club and my instructor is encouraging us to perform solo dances. She asked me specifically if I would consider creating a solo dance piece. While the thought of it still makes me extremely nervous, on of the things that helps is that Mom is creating a costume for me. I was becoming discouraged because I had looked and looked for a costume on-line, found one I liked and ordered it, and when it came it didn't fit. =( So, now, I am having a costume created to fit me and the song that I will be dancing to. I had listened to LOTS of music and had picked one that I had resigned myself to dance to. I then remembered that I hadn't uploaded the belly dance CD Mom gave me for Christmas (music from her troupe) onto my computer. So, I found the CD and played the song that Mom's troupe danced to and I said, "that's it!" The plan is, I am going to do a solo dance to a really cool, funky, middle eastern sounding version of the song, "I Put a Spell on You." While I'm still nervous, I'm becoming excited as well. I think it's a cool piece of music and it fits my personality.

As if this weren't enough to be proud of myself for, I'm also impressed that while I had things that I should have worked on this weekend for work, I decided to take the weekend off. This last week, I have done school work several evenings and I just decided that I needed to do some things for me. I did the usual weekend stuff, laundry, ran errands, washed dishes and such but then I also went to dance class, took a nap and just relaxed. I also went out to dinner with a group of friends on Friday night and out again last night with a friend who just needed to get out of the house. I have a feeling my work week will be more productive just because I actually took the weekend off. I'm sure at some point I will wish I did some work this weekend, right now, I'm enjoying the relaxation of the weekend.

Well, I think I'm going to bring the to a close for now, maybe watch a movie or some TV and then maybe work on my dance some. I will write more next week on how things are going with the solo piece. Keep your fingers crossed for me.... =)

I've been wondering....

Have you ever wondered how your life would/could be different based on the choices you have made in you life? If one decision would have been changed, where would you be? Who would you be as a person?

I know that life is about the unknown but there are times I wonder... What if I wouldn't have seen a man leaning against a wall, all alone, in a room full of people laughing and dancing? What if I wouldn't have approached said man, jokingly said, "What are you doing over here all by yourself?" and then after his response, playfully pulled him off of the wall by his tie onto the dance floor where we danced together for song after song? Then, after talking (long distance) on the phone with then same man for hours and hours and hours (and hours and hours.......) decided to go visit him and come back home with a promise ring..... A few months went by and he vacationed with my family.... Few months after that went to go visit him again and we went stargazing where he asked me to wear "his star" forever and he gave me a diamond ring.... Then, just about 5 years after that, forever ended....

What would have been different in my life if one "yes" would have turned into a "no" or vise versa?

Granted, if one of those things would have changed there are other things that probably would be different as well... I probably would still be living in the state where I grew-up (even though there would be nothing wrong with that but I have had the opportunity to live in 3 other beautiful states since then)... I probably would not have started belly dancing... I wouldn't have met the friends that I have along the way... I probably would not have finally dealt with some "issues" from my past (they would have stayed emotionally buried where I tried to leave them for 10 years and they surfaced regardless of my best efforts)...

As I've written before, if, given the opportunity, would I go back and change even one thing in my relationship with the wasband knowing the inevitable outcome (the marriage ending in divorce)? Even after everything the divorce put me through, I think my answer would still be, "no, I wouldn't change things." Would I like to change how I reacted to certain situations? Of course. But on the other hand, even changing how I reacted to certain situation, would be changing something and I most likely would not be on the quest that I find myself on today.

Granted, there are days that I think (no, I know) it would be way easier not to be on my current quest. I mean, come on! Who wouldn't think that?! But quests, by their very definition aren't supposed to be easy.

Sigh. All I can do is keep taking things one day at a time, sometimes even just an hour or two at a time (or minutes at a time if necessary). Or, to put it another way, "just keep swimming" (or "just keep shimmying"). =)

Thanks for reading and I hope you read again next time. =)

Well, I made it....

At church today, the choir sang a piece that I didn't think I would be able to sing all the way through. The piece we sang was a combination of two songs - Be Still My Soul and You Raise Me Up (made popular by Josh Groban and Celtic Woman). The first song, Be Still My Soul, I sang as a solo at my Grandfather's funeral so it always brings back memories. Then, You Raise Me Up, reminds me of who has been there for me through this very difficult last 15 months. Needless to say, it was a difficult piece to get through for me...

Because I knew this was the song we were going to sing during the church service today, I've been listening to many different songs that talk about overcoming obstacles and adversity. I know that what has happened in my life the last 15 months isn't the worst thing that could ever happen to a person, it has been challenging for me. I know that I still have a lot to work on, but I will get there eventually.

One of the things that I was able to overcome this week was meeting with my wasband. We sold the washer/dryer that has been in storage for the last 6 months or so and I was there to meet with the buyers. Although some people will think I shouldn't have, I talked with my wasband for a bit after the sale was complete. I was able to get some things off of my chest and I feel at least a little better after talking with him.

While it was difficult dealing with him, I think it was necessary at this point in my quest. I was attracted to my wasband at very first glance and every time I see him, those initial feelings come back. Like every time before, those feelings came back when I saw him this week, but after thinking about it, those feelings weren't as strong this time. Part of me will always love him; I was married to him for 5 years and wanted to have his children......

When he first left, he told me that he wanted to try and stay "friends." That confused me because I couldn't see how we could possibly go from being man and wife to just being friends. Granted, I'm not saying at this point I want to be friends with him, but I am determined not to hate him and "I must remember these feelings and to use this in my acting...." (original FAME movie).

I want to move on from this experience and strive to be a better person in the long run. I don't know where life is going to lead me or when I'm going to get there, but I will get there eventually....