Giving yourself permission

I received some good advice today - every so often, it's okay to allow yourself permission to feel sorry for yourself and to throw a pity party. It's not a sign of weakness, you sometimes just need to get it out of your system. Feeling sorry for yourself on occasion is kind of like having a good cry; you need to let it out so it doesn't suffocate you. If you try to hold the tears in, eventually, the dam holding them all in will break and you will find yourself crying over things that are no big deal (believe me, I know all about trying to hold the tears in). While it's not healthy to stay in a pity party, every so often, it's okay to give yourself that permission to do so.

I have found myself "down in the dumps" the past couple of days (even if I've been trying to hide it from those around me) and as someone pointed out, it's probably because I don't feel well. I realize being alone is worse when you don't feel well and have someone to take care of you. I miss that. While I have never been the "damsel in distress" type, it was always nice to have someone help take care of me when I got sick. As humans, we depend on one another, especially when we're not feeling 100%. When I'm at work, church, or even at dance class, I feel as if I have to give 100% all of the time even if I don't have 100% to offer. Because I'm on my own, I don't have anyone but me to help "recharge my batteries". When I'm alone (and sick) it makes it difficult to feel motivated to keep plugging away. Even though I may feel like I need to just do nothing, I do things anyway because I feel that if I don't, I'm going to let someone down.

Yesterday I didn't go to my belly dance class and I felt like such a slacker for not going. I didn't feel well (I'm coughing and have a headache) and didn't want to risk anyone else getting sick. I even had paperwork I needed to try and complete for work yesterday and found myself taking a nap instead. Even though I know my body probably needed the sleep in order to feel better, I feel guilty for not completing the work. That is just another aspect of my quest I think. I need to start to allow myself permission to take a day off if I feel like I need to take one. Even if it's just taking a break from what I feel like I have to do.

I think that somedays I need to go back and reread some of the things I've written and follow my own advice... A number of weeks ago, I wrote about perfection being a dangerous thing. I don't feel as if I'm trying to be perfect but I am afraid of feeling as if I've failed. Failed others; failed myself. Even though my parents have told me that I didn't fail them when my marriage fell apart, that's how I feel inside. It's not because of anything they have said or done that has caused me to feel that way, I just feel as if I failed. I know that I did everything I could to try to piece the marriage back together but I couldn't do it alone. Without help, there wasn't anything I could do to hold it together on my own. I feel as if I failed my wasband that's why he left and in doing so I failed myself because I wasn't the wife that he needed me to be.

When you are sick, you tend to toss and turn at night and that offers opportunities to do way too much thinking. I have gone back and replayed some of the conversations my wasband and I had before he left, conversations that we have had since and conversations that I wish we could have had. But focusing too much on the past can be a dangerous thing as well. It's one thing to try and not to repeat your mistakes but I don't want that to keep me from living my life. Even if I don't know where my life is going to lead, I do know that I'm not going to find who I'm destined to become in my past.

I'm going to try and think more on this and write more later. I think I'm going to take the rest of the evening and just do nothing in preparation for my upcoming work week (we have parent/teacher conferences this week - yay...).

Balance

During my belly dance class yesterday, we worked on balance. We were working on dance moves while balancing bamboo canes on our heads. While they were relatively light, it took a great deal of concentration to not have it slide off of my head. As I was balancing this cane on my head as I was belly dancing, I was thinking about the balance in my life. My life is leaning to one side rather than being balanced. And after talking to two different really great friends today (who live in two states actually) I think I have figured out, at least partly, why I am unbalanced.

I am still allowing my wasband to manipulate me. The last couple of weeks, I have been texting with my wasband for information about the washer and dryer we are trying to sell. In our discussions (even if they have only been text conversations), I have allowed his statements about his hardships make me feel bad. While part of me will always care for him (we were married for 5 years, I can't turn my feelings off like I would turn off a light switch), I no longer need to strive to make him happy or do what's in his best interest, forgetting my own. I can be sensitive to his feelings but I don't have to allow his feelings dictate mine.

I feel as if I am stuck in a traffic jam on the bridge between who I was and who I am destined to become. At this moment I'm not quite sure how I'm going to get out of this traffic jam but at least I have identified it. The frustrating thing is I can see the "new" me but I can't quite reach that destination yet. Maybe I'm stuck in this traffic jam because I'm not sure who the "new" me is as of yet and I'm not sure what I need to do to figure that out.

One of the things my Mom recommended is to prioritize a list of things to work on. Rather than just seeing this overwhelming goal ahead of me, break it into smaller more obtainable goals. Part of the overwhelming goal ahead of me is finding money to pay taxes. I went and had my taxes done a week ago and found out, because of the divorce, I owe a substantial amount to both the federal and state. Anytime I feel as if I'm getting a handle on my financial situation, something else comes up. As my Dad points out, "isn't it fun to be a grown-up?" NOPE!

Sometimes I want to tell that to the kids I teach. "You have no idea how easy you have things. While I know you think it's rough because they have the toy you want, or you don't want to stay on your cot, or you don't want to keep your feet on the floor, etc., you have no idea how rough things get when you're a grown up." There are days I wish I could also tell them, "if you're not going to use your cot, do you mind if I use it?" Oh, well. The joys of being an adult...

We'll see if this upcoming week will bring at least a little of balance to my life or if finding that balance is a part of my quest....

The Taming of the Shrew*

* or The Hair Clog I Removed From My Bathroom Sink.....

Yesterday, I felt very accomplished. With the help of my brother's over-the-phone directions (he is a plumber), I was able to fix my bathroom sink! Ever since I moved into my apartment, the drain on my bathroom sink has run extremely slow. I have tried the drain products (I know my brother is rolling his eyes and shuddering at the thought because in his professional opinion they don't really work they only mask the problem) and they would help for a day or so but then the sink would begin to drain super slow again. I had gotten to the point where I had just accepted that I was not going to win the war with the sink when my brother was home when I called my parents and I asked him to walk me through how to take the pipes of the sink apart (it's a pedestal sink so that added to the complication of things). Needless to say, it did not begin well....

The conversation began, with us both trying to interpret what the other was talking about:

• "You have to take the trap off of the sink so you'll want to put a towel on the floor first."
• "Okay, what is the trap?"
• "It's the pipe shaped like a 'u'"
• "I don't see a pipe shaped like a 'u.' I just see the pipe coming out of the wall."
• "What does that look like?"
• "It kind of looks like a letter 'j'"
• "What? Why is that pipe coming out of the wall?"
• "I don't know! That's what I see."
• "Okay, well you have to unscrew the washers"
• "They don't unscrew... Which way do I turn them"
• "They'll only turn one way."
• "Really?!"
• "Do you have it off yet?"
• "No! Give me a minute!" ugh! "Okay, it's off!"
• "Okay, the water may smell."
• "Eewww! Why didn't you tell me I should have put gloves on? Gross!" (as the water spills onto my hands)

This continued back and forth and nothing major came out of the pipes. The water seemed to be running through the pipes okay so he told me to reassemble the pipes. I did and then tried to run water through the sink again and it drained super slow again. So he told me that I now needed to disassemble the drain. When I got the plug out, I asked how I was supposed to remove the "gunk" that I could see now that the stopper was out of the way. He told me that I could either disassemble the pipes behind the sink again and shove a screwdriver down the sink (which is his preferred method) or I could try to pull the gunk up and out by using a wire coat hanger. After laughing at his choice of tools, I found a wire coat hanger, took it apart, turned the end into a hook and attempted to "hook" the gunk.

BLECH!! What I pulled out of the drain of the sink looked like a wet, dead rat and that's how it smelled too. I said it smelled like rotten toothpaste and my smart-aleck brother told me to stop using rotten toothpaste then. (gee thanks!) Once I removed the "rat" and reassembled the drain stop, I tested the speed of the water draining again. To my surprise, the water began to drain like the sink was brand new and it also didn't leak at all!! WooHoo!!

Being able to fix the sink made me feel very accomplished. To make it even better, my Dad got back on the phone after my brother had finished taking me through everything, and he (Dad) told me he was proud of the fact I was able to fix the sink and even more so for being willing to try. A year ago, or even a few months ago, I wouldn't have thought to attempt to undertake this type of task. I felt it was kind of fitting that I not only tried but succeeded with this task especially on the day before Valentine's Day.

Then, today, on Valentine's Day, I did something else that made me proud of myself. I actually accepted a compliment from someone! At church today, someone came up to me and told me that I am really looking fabulous these days. I turned to them, smiled, and said, "I'm starting to feel really fabulous these days!" And I meant it. I guess all of my shimmying is really starting to pay off!

All of this is really huge for me and I think I'll make something fabulous for dinner to celebrate! =)

(I'm not sure what it will be yet, but I'm sure it will be fabulous!)

(Insert scream here)

Why do I do things like this to myself?!?! I have been annoyed with myself all week over something that happened as I was leaving my belly dance class last Monday night. As I was leaving the dance floor, my instructor turned to me and said, “Good work tonight doing some really difficult stuff.” What was my response?! “Oh… yeah…. Well glad you think so….”

Why couldn’t I just accept her compliment? Why couldn’t I get out of my head and realize I was doing pretty well with some VERY difficult moves (that I haven’t really had a lot of time to practice) and say thank you? I don't know why I couldn't, it just wasn't even a possibility at that point. I couldn't make the words "Thank you" pass my lips. Maybe now that I am thinking about it, and have tortured myself with it all week, the next time I am faced with this type of situation, I will be able to just say "thank you" (even if I want to beat myself up over the situation later I can still say "thank you").

This is something that I have struggled with for as long as I can remember. If someone pays me a compliment, I try and find a reason not to accept what they are saying. While I was beating myself up over this past week, another thought came to my mind... If I don't accept someone's compliment, how am I making them feel? Now that I've thought about it, it's almost like a slap in the face to not accept someone's compliment and that's pretty rude.

I have always been concerned about how others feel and have tried to be empathic. When it has come to accepting compliments, I have always just brushed them off because I don't feel as if I deserve them. Rather than thinking about how others feel when I brush them off, I have been more concerned with my own low self esteem issues rather than their feelings. I want to try and work on that. I can accept someone's compliment at the time they give it to me and work on processing it, alone, after the fact. I don't have to make someone else feel bad just because I have low self esteem.

Granted, I am trying to work on my self esteem issues and I'm sure it's not something that I will come to terms with or change/fix overnight. It's another aspect of my quest I think. I have struggled with my self esteem for as long as I can remember but most people weren't aware that I had low self esteem. I've never minded doing solos (at church or at vocal competitions), I did theatre in high school, and now I'm participating in belly dance classes. But just because I've done all of those things doesn't mean I like what I see when I look in the mirror (even with all of the weight I've lost, I still don't necessarily like how I look in the mirror).

Maybe part of it is I don't mind putting myself out there but I don't want people to shine the spotlight on me. I'd rather just blend into the background (even when doing solos) I don't necessarily want the limelight. That could be part of why I don't know what to do when someone pays me a compliment - it's a form of a spotlight and I don't like being the center of attention. That was always my sister. She wanted to be the lead in plays and seemed to love the spotlight so it was easier for me to hide in the wings.

My goal will be to allow myself to stay in the background for now but maybe I just need to move out of my comfort zone a little. I'll plan on starting by finding a new place in the studio tomorrow during my belly dance class (I tend to dance in one place and that is my "spot") - - tomorrow I will find a new "spot." It's a start anyway....