Wow....

I find it hard to believe that the first month of 2010 is already coming to a close! At this point last year, the days (and especially the nights) seemed to just drag on and now it feels as if time is just flying by. Sometimes my nights still seem to last an eternity but it's not as bad as it was a year ago.

At this point last year, I was trying to psych myself into moving back into the master bedroom (I had been sleeping on an air mattress in the spare bedroom since right about the time the wasband moved out and at this point last year, one of the dogs put a hole in the air mattress so I was sleeping on the floor). I also had to deal with him face to face (he was coming to get some of his things from the house and it was the first time I was facing him since he had left me). Needless to say, it was a LOT to deal with in a short period of time.

I will admit, it was NOT easy to deal with and I did NOT deal with everything alone. I relied (and still rely) heavily on my parents for support and I also decided to enter counseling. At first, I did not want to go and questioned how talking would help with my "issues." However, after the first few weeks of talking (which lead to months of talking), I learned a lot about myself and how I view the world around me.

One of the "assignments" I was given was to write a letter to myself as I was writing to a good friend facing my situation. I came across a copy of that letter this week and I really needed to read it again....

Dear ________________,

I am so sorry to hear about what you’re going through! It sounds like it was a huge shock and I just wanted to make sure that you’re okay… I know you’re probably not okay, but I still wanted to see how you’re doing.

I want to begin by saying that you are not a horrible person no matter what you may be thinking about yourself! Yes, this is a horrible situation but it doesn't automatically make you a horrible person. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling but I’m sure you’re not looking at yourself in the best light at this point in time. Throughout this situation you need to take care of you and remember you can’t change what he thinks/feels but you can decide who you want to become when this is all said and done.

The best piece of information I can give you is something my Dad told me – whatever happened between the two of you until he left was because of both of you, after he left, it became all him. I’m sure that’s difficult to hear right now but it’s true. I’m sure you’re blaming yourself but remember that doesn’t mean that it’s true. He’s the one who decided to leave the way that he did and has chosen the path you are on. Unfortunately, you are along for the ride and at this point all you can do is choose where the ride takes you… This is going to have an impact on your life but it doesn’t have to define your life. Even though you may not see if now, you get to define your life.

I’m sure you are scared of the unknowns – what’s going to happen throughout this process, is he going to change his mind, is there a possibility for reconciliation, are you going to be able to trust another man again, is there someone else out there for you, where are you going to go, and many more unknowns… It’s okay to be concerned about the unknowns – just don’t loose sight of the here and now because you can’t see what your future holds. Remember too, you can’t change him or influence him but you can change how you view things and who you want to be.

I know that there is nothing that I can say to make you feel better; all I can do is try to help. I want you to know that even though you are going through this, you are still the same wonderful person you were before this happened. You may have trouble seeing that but it’s true. Think of it this way – the first thing you tell people isn’t going to be, “Hi, my name is _________ and I’m divorced.” Or, “Hi, I’m _________, so-and-so’s ex-wife.” Like I said, this is going to change who you are (and I’m sure it’s going to be for the better whether you can see it right now or not) but it’s not going to become who you are.

Believe me, I don’t have all the answers! I’m not even going to pretend that I do – that wouldn’t be fair to you or me… All I can do is try to show you that even though things look bleak right now, the sun is going to shine again and one day you’ll even see rainbows again – I promise. I’m not saying things are going to be all sunshine and rainbows because remember, you have to have storms or rain to have a rainbow. That may be a little cliche, but it’s true. I guess what I’m trying to say is that if you can get through this, you know that you can get through the hard times (and not only get through them, but survive).

I hope some of this has at least helped you… I also want you to know if there is anything else I can do to help, please let me know. Even if you just need someone to listen to you cry, listen to you rant and rave, listen to you talk things through – whatever you need, I’m willing to help.

Don’t forget, you are loved even if/when you don’t feel very loveable…

This writing assignment really opened my eyes. I had always enjoyed to write growing up and loved to journal but this was a new writing format for me. Granted, I was a big letter writer (and still am) but I had never thought about what I would say to myself. One of the things that was pointed out to me is I show empathy and compassion to everyone but me. Maybe that's one of the reasons I feel little at times - I am so busy caring for those around me that I forget to care for myself. I think that's one of the reasons why I am loving my belly dancing lessons (even when I complain about my lessons); I am doing something that I love just because I love it. I have found way to allow me to shine through so I am able to work on showing myself the love and compassion I am freely able to show to others. It's a work in progress but along my quest, what else is new? =)

I am trying very hard to picture my life without my wasband. Honestly, I am having trouble with that one. For six years (one dating and five married) all I did was picture my future with him and where we wanted life to lead us. Now I have to erase those images from my head and more difficultly from my heart. I know that I don't have to lose entirely what he and I had but I don't have to continue to torture myself with the things that my future no longer holds.

Yes, I'm sad for the things he and I will never share but I know that there are still great possibilities for me if I allow them to happen...

Challenges....

We were given a challenge at church today. Instead of coming up with a New Year's Resolution, come up with a word that defines how you want to work on aspects of your life. Some people said "patience," others said "faith," another was "perseverance." The one that struck me was "courage." Courage to challenge yourself to go outside of your own comfort zone and face situations that would normally cause you to run and hide. I think that is the word that I may use as well. I may come up with another word as time goes on but for right now, I think that courage is appropriate.

Another challenge is one that I want to pose to others (and to myself). The challenge being the strive for "perfection." In my opinion, the expectation of perfection is a dangerous thing. Because, then inevitably, when you fall below perfection, people wonder about your performance and can even question you as an individual. Thus, you begin to question other areas of your life as well. I think, striving to be the "best you that you can" is better in the long run than trying to obtain perfection.

Maybe that's one of the things that caused problems between me and my wasband. I thought I had the perfect husband. Yes, there were times that I doubted that perfection, but for the most part, I thought my husband was pretty perfect. Along with everything else, I just expected too much from him and he couldn't do it anymore. Some things have been coming up at work that are causing me to question multiple aspects of my life, therefore, I am once again questioning the reason why the wasband left in the first place.

In my head, I know that the reason why things fell apart between the two was us was because of things that both of us did (or didn't do). However, at times like this, I begin to examine all of the things that I did that may have pushed him away (and am not necessarily focused on the things that he did as well). There are times where I'm only able to focus on what I did/didn't do that caused him to leave our marriage. I think part of that comes from that's all I can focus on. He told me (more than once) that everything I needed to know about why he left me was in the letter he left and when I questioned that (and even gave him a list of questions I had), he still didn't give me any sort of answers or resolve.

Maybe, for whatever reason, I'm not meant to know why he left. That may be one of the challenges that I need to face and overcome along my quest. Having that knowledge doesn't make things any easier, but it's a step in that direction. One foot in front of the other is the only was to make progress (even if it feels as if you're going backwards, it's still motion, and that 's better than standing still).

More Insight.... I think....

I have come to the conclusion that I no longer want to be an afterthought. I don't want to be the person that people don't remember if I was involved (or even the opposite, say I was involved if I wasn't because they don't remember if I was there or not). Yes, there are times where I like/want to blend into the shadows but I believe that being an afterthought is something else entirely...

For example, after more than a year from when my divorce began, someone asked if there was anything they could do to assist. Wow. Thanks but why are you approaching me with this now? Where was this offer a year ago? I don't know if they were asking now if they just remembered me or what but I don't want to be that person anymore. The "whoops, did they need.....?" person.

Maybe part of why I can be so easy to forget is because I have been so closed off (especially in painful/stressful situations) emotionally to keep from getting hurt. I have talked extensively to my parents and my friends throughout my divorce and I know that they have helped me more than I can ever thank them for. I also know that my writing has helped. The point is, no one else approached me to ask if I needed any assistance. Even if someone would have just offered to bring me dinner or take me out to eat so I could get out of the house...

This is one of the reasons I never wanted to get a divorce. There is a certain stigma attached to it. While I know that more and more people are getting divorces these days but that doesn't stop the stigma from being attached to it. There especially seems to be a stigma attached to the one who was "left." My wasband left me so it feels like people look at me for the reason why he left. Sorry, don't know what to tell you, because I still don't know all of the reasons why... Yes, I am the first to admit there were ways I could have been a better wife but when I found out he was unhappy, he didn't give me the opportunity to be a better wife. Maybe, someday, I'll have the opportunity to be a better wife to someone else...

Friends of mine have said in this last year that it must be nice to just have me to worry about (other than my doggies). I didn't necessarily know what to say at the time so it has been on my mind for awhile. I now have something to compare it to - it's like staring into your closet. Let me explain. Have you ever looked into your full closet and complain, "I have nothing to wear...."? That's how I feel right now about being single. I don't really have to do anything for anyone. Yes, I have my job and I have my belly dance class but other than that, I can do/not do whatever I want. And while that is sometimes nice, there are many times where I tell myself, "now what?" or I find that I have played on the computer for 6 hours straight and the only reason I stop playing is because the dogs want to go outside.

I did, however, go outside my comfort zone yesterday and I took myself to the movies. I was extremely nervous about it but I did it anyway. And you know what, I really enjoyed myself. After my belly dance class, I ran home to change clothes and decided to go to the movies. I got to sit wherever I wanted. I didn't have to share my popcorn. I got to sit through the credits because I wanted to. While I've always enjoyed going to the movies on a date, it was kind of liberating to go by myself. I may have to do it again sometime.

Well, enough of my ramblings for tonight. I wish everyone sweet dreams and I'll write more of my musings later. =)

Insight?

A friend of mine and her husband gave me something to ponder this last week. They (jokingly) said that if I continue my belly dancing, I could always consider becoming like a Genie (as in “I Dream of Jeannie”), live in a bottle and if I felt like moving, I could just toss my bottle into the ocean and see where I end up. After some moments this last year and even this last week, that doesn’t seem like too bad of an idea…

There were times (in the last 14 months and this last week) where I felt so little that I actually could have placed myself into a bottle to hide. The funny thing about feeling little is there is nothing you can really do but wait that feeling out and go from there. My wasband never really understood feeling “little.” I don’t know if many people really understand it, but it is the only way I have found to express how I’m feeling at times. I don’t know what causes me to feel “little,” the feeling just comes at times. Granted, since I started doing belly dancing, I haven’t felt “little” but I have felt that way the last few days.

Maybe part of it comes from coming home after spending time with family. While it’s nice to be back where I can see the ocean daily, I still miss the love/comfort being with family offers. Another part of feeling “little” came from flipping through TV channels the other night. I landed on a show where people were getting married and of course I started watching just as they were reciting their marriage vows. That was like a blow to my already bruised heart.

When the divorce started, my heart was battered and bleeding. Over time, the wounds have started to heal but the bruising is still there. Listening to these two individuals vow the same things my wasband and I did was extremely hard to listen to but I also couldn’t bring myself to switch channels. When I got married, I thought that was going to be it. Now, someday, I have to face doing it again. And that fact does make me extremely nervous. While I am starting to feel better about myself due to my weight loss and due to my belly dancing, I’m still not entirely self-confident.

At least, today at church, a couple of people gave me a boost because they told me that they are seeing that I am getting some of my “sparkle” back. After these last 14 months, that’s good to know. So maybe I don’t have to live in a bottle after all (even though that would be a WAY easier way if I want to move). =)

While I know that I’m not 100% there yet, it’s good to know that progress is being made. I guess another comforting fact is, if I was knew 100% what I’m “supposed” to know and be 100% what I’m “supposed” to be, I’d be dead. It’s a comfort to know that I’m not dead yet. =)

First blog post of a new year

Well, I made it home from visiting family safe and sound. Coming home has always been kind of bittersweet for me. Even when I was little and we went to visit family, I never wanted to say "goodbye." My parents usually found me hiding in the car when it was time to say goodbye. While I'm not as bad now, I still don't like to say "goodbye."

While I was glad to come home to my dogs (even though they weren't necessarily happy to see me), I already miss being around family. Yes, part of me says that for selfish reasons (it was nice having Mom cook for me again) but it was nice to forget about single living for awhile. Even if it was just my parents and I at their house, it was still two more people than I've lived with this last year. Maybe one day I'll get to live a little closer to family... Just have to see if I can find a job first...

There were parts of traveling home that were kind of strange. When I was in one of the airports, I saw a man in Navy uniform that looked like my wasband. That made my heart stop for a moment and then when I realized it wasn't him, my heart continued to beat faster than normal. I see men in Navy uniforms all the time, but this was the first time I saw one that happened to look like my wasband. Not like I know what I would have done if it was him but it wasn't so I didn't have to come up with anything...

Today, I had to go buy some milk and some other basics after coming home from my trip. One of the things I also decided to buy was a scale. For those of you who really know me, you know what a big deal that is. When my wasband and I moved to CA, our scale was broken in the move and I just never got around to (ok, never wanted to) replace it. After being at my parents, and using their scale, I figure I should have one. From the last time I was at my parents (approximately 15 months ago), I went from 280 pounds (UGH!!) to 225 pounds. Still not necessarily where I want to be, but it's definitely an improvement! Now I just have to continue to work on things and watch the numbers still go down (I hope). =)

Well, laundry calls and I should probably get ready to head back to work tomorrow. I look forward to posting more about my quest as the year continues! =)