Happy Holidays! =)

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone out there in Cyber land! =) I hope everyone had enjoyable time with family and friends. I spent Christmas morning walking on the beach with my Pastor (yes, it seems very strange to me that I spent Christmas walking on a beach). We had a really nice time (I even saw my first sea otter in the "wild") and then it decided to rain on us; not just little drops of rain, but the sky opened up. I guess it just adds to the memory. =)

After getting home, I threw all of those wet, sandy, salty clothes in the wash and I jumped into a steamy shower and just stood in the hot water for about 20 minutes to thaw out. I then decided to put on some sweats and just kind of be cozy for the rest of the day. I figured the walk with her on the beach helped me to feel 'cozy' on the inside (we talked about a lot of things while we walked) and then when I got home I just allowed myself to get cozy on the outside as well.

I figured if I couldn't spend time with family, I would curl up with my doggies and call my family. I didn't talk with everyone because they were watching a movie but it was nice to hear the family in the background. Plus, I have my parents upcoming visit to look forward to! =)

Hearing my family in the background when I was talking to Mom reminded me of the time I spent at home last year during the holidays. Yeah, I wish I could have gone home this year for the holidays too but I think it will be lots of fun to be able to spend time with my parents here too. I will have the opportunity to show them where I currently live.

I am also looking forward to having them here because my belly dance troupe will be performing on New Year's Eve and I'm planning on participating in the troupe dances and I'm dancing a solo as well. I have been working on it some but I know that I still have some more work to do. It's a good thing I'm meeting some of my belly dance gal pals at the studio tomorrow to work on some choreography - - I think I'll just have to go a little earlier and work on my solo piece. Have to make sure it's the best that I can perform it. =)

I hope this Holiday season filled your heart with love and laughter and that your upcoming new year is filled with many blessings.

Even more adventures........

Well, yesterday I embarked on another new adventure for me.... Someone had told me that I was driving on VERY unsafe tires and that I needed at least two front ones as soon as possible. Based on their recommendation, I found a place online where I could afford tires and made an appointment for yesterday. As someone who has never bought her own tires before, I was very nervous but I selected tires that received a good ranking online as well as many positive customer comments. So I went yesterday to have the new tires put onto my car (I opted to replace all four tires so I wouldn't have to worry about the other two wearing out anytime soon; since they were still original tires on my car).

When they were finished and brought my car around, they told me that my car had four new shoes on and was ready to go dancing. =) The guy also told me that my front tires were SO bad that he could actually see the air in them. With it raining here so much as it has been, I definitely feel safer driving my car with the new tires. I can feel the difference as I drive down the road. I guess, before yesterday, I never knew what a difference new tires could make while driving. =)

Another adventure I've had this weekend, is on Friday evening, I decided it was time to rearrange practically every piece of furniture in my tiny apartment. I'm not anywhere near done yet, but the main pieces of furniture are where I think I want them and the rest will just kind of have to fill in the gaps. At least starting Friday, I will have time off of work to fix things how I want them. Granted I will only have until next Wednesday to get everything done......

A week from this Wednesday, my parents will be coming out to visit me! =) One of the reasons this excites me so much is I haven't seen my parents in just about a year. It's also going to be fun when they visit because my belly dance troupe will be performing (they haven't really seen me dance in person before) and I am supposed to dance a solo that night as well. Also when they are here, I will be singing a solo at church. Wow.... Yes, it's going to be a little hectic while they are here but I think we are going to have a lot of fun as well! =)

Well, since my apartment is a disaster, I should probably at least go and shovel off the bed so I will be able to get some sleep tonight. Wishing you and your family a VERY Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays! =)

I choose me......

Last week I wrote about emotions and I have had quite a few emotional moments this last week... This past week held some different 'anniversaries' for me and they all had to do with my wasband... This past Monday would have been my 7 year anniversary; Wednesday marked the two year point of when I received the divorce papers and a year ago Friday I received the papers from the court telling me the divorce had been finalized. I am glad the week is over.....

Yes, I had some moments that were overly emotional but I survived the week and that's all I can do. All I can really do is keep doing what I'm doing and keep moving forward. Yes, I still may stumble and fall along the way but I have to remember that I am still making progress (even if/when I don't necessarily feel as if I'm making progress). I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm nowhere near where I was when this whole mess started...

After my wasband left, I had to take a good hard look into who I am as a person and honestly take a look at what I did/didn't like about myself. Over the last two years, I have had the opportunity to stay who I was (someone who had allowed others to pigeonhole me into a box that contained their version of "me") or change. That simple. I had the choice and I chose to change. There are still parts of the 'old' me that it will still take time to move away from but I'm honestly starting to like the me that's emerging.

As I've written about before, I have always been a bit of a people pleaser (okay, more than just a bit of a people pleaser...). But, I'm starting to realize that I also have to work on helping myself in that mix as well. I can't take care of others if I let myself fall to the wayside. No, I don't want to become totally self-absorbed but I do need to do things for myself at times. Like yesterday, I bought myself two new tops, a pair of jeans and two new pairs of earrings. When I was trying on the clothes, I thought I looked really good (something I don't think very often at all about myself).

The good thing is, once again, I am realizing that I don't have to have all of the answers right now. It's okay that I'm a work in progress. I might just have to keep telling myself that.... =)

Emotions

Emotions can be a funny thing at times.... You can feel at peace about a particular situation one moment and then in a moment feel completely different about it.

Yes, I am writing about emotions this week for a particular reason. Last week I wrote that I was thankful that I didn't have to deal with my wasband anymore and then, last night, thoughts of him invaded my dreams making it difficult to sleep. Tomorrow would have been our 7 year anniversary....

While I originally thought getting married during the beginning of the Christmas season would be a good thing, now that things went the way they did, I have to work past the emotions this time of year brings about. I'm sure, at some point, this time of year won't affect me (and I didn't necessarily expect it to hit me this hard this year) but I'm not there yet.

Okay, I have calmed down some and will try to take a different approach to this post. I don't want to start over because I don't want to discount how I was feeling earlier but I want to try to look at things from a different perspective.

I can think of what was my wedding day with fond memories even if the marriage didn't go the way I thought it would (ending in divorce). There are a lot of good memories of that day (and the days/months leading up to that day) and I don't have to discount those happy memories just because things ended with sadness. Everything that I have experienced in my life (good or bad, happy or sad, joy or sorrow...) has led me to the point I am currently and has shaped who I am becoming.

I know that I haven't reached my destination as of yet and my steps may be shaky along the way but all I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. There are times where it will be steps forward or steps back but movement is movement. I am also trying to realize that all of the things that have happened (and will continue to happen) in my life are making me who I am becoming. I have been reminded that God didn't always promise things would be perfect in our lives because without the rain you can't appreciate the sunshine or have a rainbow.

I am going to try to remember that tomorrow (since I have no idea how tomorrow will go) and in the upcoming weeks. I have to remember to just "keep swimming" and that "there is a joy in the journey."

Thankful

I was lucky enough to spend Thanksgiving at my belly dance instructor's house and share in the day with 13 wonderful people. There was a lot of food, laughter and good conversation.

Working with kids, we talked a lot this past week about what it meant to be thankful and we talked with them about what they were thankful for. One of the kids turned the question to me and they asked me what I was thankful for.... That got me thinking..... Yes, I am thankful for family and friends; my health; a roof over my head; my dogs; etc.... But I came to the conclusion that this year, one of the things that I am most thankful for is I no longer have to deal with my wasband and all of the "junk" he has put me through.

After he left (and even after he had me served with divorce papers), I desperately clung to the hope that I would be able to "win" him back. If I just tried harder, if I was good enough, if I..., If I... If I....... Then I had to come to the realization that I wanted the man that I thought he was, not necessarily the man that he ended up being inside. I also had to come to the realization that I couldn't change him (even if I wanted to), I could only change myself and how I was reacting to the situation. Now, I don't have to deal with him or his insecurities any longer.

Yes, thoughts of him creep up from time to time but I don't find myself having thoughts of him nearly as often as I once did. Plus, some of the thoughts that I've had, I think come from the idea of being with someone, not necessarily the wasband himself. Yes, I loved him, or I loved him for who I thought he was; the man that he allowed me to see. As I've stated before, the man I thought he was, may not have been his true self.

Another thing that I have been thankful for is the fact that I have realized a lot about myself in the last two years. Honestly, some of that can be attributed to my wasband as well. After he left, I decided I couldn't continue on as things had been and I took myself to see a therapist. Throughout my visits with the therapist, I was forced to deal with aspects of my past that I thought I had locked away. The dangers of locking away powerful emotions or happenings from your past is they have a tendency to creep up when you least expect them. However, at this point, I can say that I have dealt with those issues and I can now grow from my experiences that have made me who I am today.

One of the things that I did over the Holiday weekend is I went to the movies with a friend of mine. We went to go see the movie "Burlesque" and I truly enjoyed it! One of the songs in the movie was a solo by Cher and it struck something deep inside of me. The song is called "You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" and the lyrics are:

Feeling broken

Barely holding on


But there’s just something so strong


Somewhere inside me


And I am down but I’ll get up again


Don’t count me out just yet

I’ve been brought down to my knees


And I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking


But I can take it


I’ll be back


Back on my feet


This is far from over


You haven’t seen the last of me


You haven’t seen the last of me

They can say that
I won’t stay around


But I’m gonna stand my ground


You’re not gonna stop me


You don’t know me

You don’t know who I am


Don’t count me out so fast

I’ve been brought down to my knees


And I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking


But I can take it


I’ll be back


Back on my feet


This is far from over


You haven’t seen the last of me

There will be no fade out


This is not the end


I’m down now


But I’ll be standing tall again


Times are hard but
I was built tough


I’m gonna show you all what I’m made of

I’ve been brought down to my knees


And I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking


But I can take it


I’ll be back


Back on my feet


This is far from over


I am far from over


You haven’t seen the last of me

No no


I’m not going nowhere


I’m staying right here


Oh no


You won’t see me begging


I’m not taking my bow


Can’t stop me


It’s not the end


You haven’t seen the last of me


Oh no


You haven’t seen the last of me


You haven’t seen the last of me

I'll just have to keep working on applying those thoughts to my life....

Feeling better

As the week has passed, I have continued to feel better. The flu like symptoms are gone and all that I have left is a cough that doesn't seem to want to go away. Personally I will take coughing to being nauseous any day....

I feel like once again that the weekend has gone by way too quickly. Part of that may come from working seven hours yesterday (another teacher and I painted the classroom; I went up and down the ladder at least a million times it felt like). While it was a long hard day of work that eliminated half of my weekend, the seven hours of overtime on my check will be nice (especially with the list of things my car needs).

Everyone told me that from going up and down the ladder so many times yesterday I would most likely be in a lot of pain today. Luckily it wasn't too bad. I came home from work yesterday, took a steaming hot shower and then sat on the couch for awhile to relax. When I needed to get up to let the dogs out, my legs were stiff/sore but it didn't last that long. I think my quick recovery can be attributed to building strong muscles through dancing. =) Yay, dancing! =)

Well, I survived another post-divorce milestone this past week. I made it to and through the two year mark of when my wasband up and left (leaving me a letter in his wake). Someone who has known me pre-divorce reminded me this week just how far I've come in the last two years. Right after he left me, I wasn't sure how my life would go on from that point. Now, not only have I survived him leaving me, I really feel as if I'm thriving.

I mean, I am living on my own and all that entails (no one else to let the dogs out, do the laundry, investigate the "noises," clean the bathroom, do the dishes, fix the random "issues" in the apartment, etc.), I am learning/performing belly dance, on occasion I take myself out, I have gone on driving adventures, and I am (in general) learning how to do things for me. Yes, I have a wonderful support system of family and friends and they have been invaluable the last two years (my family has been there for me my whole life but especially the last two years).

Okay, since writing all of that, I have been sitting here for the last hour just staring at my computer screen and my thoughts/feelings have done a complete 180. I thought that I had a lot to say about how far I've come in the last two years but then started to think that there might be some of you out there in cyber-land who are getting sick of me and what I have to say.

One of the things I have been thinking about is, even though I’m a strong person, I am so tired of being strong all of the time… I just wish there was someone that could let me be strong in situations but in turn be there to pick me up and support me if/when I fall. But along with that, I want someone who would help in times where I couldn’t be strong anymore. Is that really too much to ask? Personally, I don’t think so… But with my current track record, I’m most likely wrong…

Maybe my complete 180 has come from the combination of being sick last week, working all day yesterday, the emotional dealings of this week, and the holidays approaching. I think I need to just turn off my computer for tonight and relax before the upcoming week. Even though it's a short week due to Thanksgiving, I have a feeling it's going to be a busy one.

Have a great Thanksgiving everyone and I will hopefully be in better spirits next week.

sick = no fun

I really, really, really don't like being sick. =( I started coming down with flu-like symptoms Thursday afternoon and they lasted until this morning. While I am feeling better physically (I actually ate my first meal today since Thursday lunch - have only eaten "snacks" up until now), I am only feeling about 80% energy wise. I guess that's one of the things that happens going into a new classroom; new kids = new germs. I actually opted out of choir rehearsal on Thursday night (that's how lousy I felt) but went to work on Friday. Looking back, going to work on Friday is possibly why I'm not feeling 100% yet. I probably should have just stayed at home and rested (considering I have about 2 weeks worth of sick hours saved up). Oh, well. I can't go back and change things now.

If nothing else, I knew that I needed to feel better for yesterday - we had our two belly dance performances yesterday. During the first performance, we started off (with me being the first dancer on the stage!!) with mini "solos" and then went into a really fast spin for a really long time - - let me say, that is a really bad idea for someone who is fighting nausea. After beginning the spin, I had to stop before I was "supposed" to stop spinning and let my world right itself. I have done this spin many times before and have never been this dizzy completing it. Like I said, I guess spinning and nausea are not a good combination. After this initial set back, I had a couple of "oops" moments in the choreography but I continued to perform with a smile on my face and that is what's most important.

After this performance, I came home and showered to wipe off all of the glitter and make up. After that, I thought it would probably be a good idea to take a nap for a few hours before the second performance - the CASBAH (our last Casbah, or night club performance at the studio, was back at the beginning of April where I performed my first belly dance solo). It was actually ironically fitting to have my second Casbah this week since one year ago I was introduced to my love of belly dance. =)

At this Casbah, a group of three of us (me being "elected" to lead the other two ladies) chose to perform one of our troupe choreography pieces with slight variations. Our instructor loved that we took it upon ourselves to "improve" the choreography and said that she plans on adapting her choreography to match what we did! =)

After the trio of us performed, I had the space of two soloists to change my costume and prepare for my own solo. I was debuting a new solo piece and feel like I did pretty well considering I was nervous (the studio was PACKED and some of my co-workers came specifically to see me dance) and about half-way through the five minute piece I got really hot and considered for a spit second just walking off of the stage before the song was over (I think the feeling of being too warm came from a combination of the lights/number of people in the studio and being sick). But, I made it through my piece (I have some work to do on it in my opinion) and tried to smile through the entire piece.

When I was done performing, I got a really neat compliment from one of the best belly dancers I have seen perform (she is the one who coordinated the show at the coffee house that I have danced at before). She told me that she finds my dancing "absolutely mesmerizing" and that she finds it very difficult to believe that I've been dancing for only a year. YAY! =)

I also had some complete strangers tell me that I am a beautiful dancer and that I move like I'm from the Middle East. Those compliments make me want to work even harder to become a better dancer.

Well, since I have another busy week ahead and am still not 100% myself, I should probably relax some tonight and head to bed early or at least on time tonight. =)

(Side note: car stuff is taken care of; passed my "smog check" and paid registration. Of course, when it was at the shop, they told me all of the other stuff that my car needs, but I will either need to save my pennies or win the lottery to take care of that list......)

More grown-up "fun"...........

Just when I was starting to get into the routine of my "normal" life, of course something comes up to throw a monkey wrench into things....

My car has decided to turn on it's check engine light again so I am trying to find time to take it into the shop to have it looked at. In all of the time I was with my wasband, I don't think the check engine light went off in our cars ever. Now that I am single, my check engine light has turned on I don't know how many times. It's rather annoying. But I've done what I can at this point, I sent an e-mail service request and if I don't hear from the service department tomorrow, I will give them a call on my lunch to make an appointment.

It just feels like it's one thing after another at times and I know that's life and all but..... No, Dad, it's not fun at times to be a grown-up. =( Then again, I tell myself if I had to grow up again, I would have to go back to middle school and high school and I'd really rather not.

Maybe part of my gray mood is the weather the last few days. Up until this past Friday, it has been warm and sunny; Friday hit and the weather has been chilly and overcast. Then today, it has rained on and off all day. It's just one of those days where I would have preferred to stay cuddled up in bed all day but unfortunately there is always too much to do. I did take about an hour nap this afternoon and that helped but I could have used a longer nap. =)

I could have used the longer nap in preparation for the upcoming week. I am moving into a new classroom this week. I am leaving the land of two-year olds and diapers and headed back into a preschool classroom. While I am excited to go back into preschool, I have already met some resistance from the kids and the parents of the class I'm going into. Oh, well. All I can do is go in and be the best teacher that I know how to be. And at the end of the day, that's all that I can really do (and all that I can expect of myself, even though I can be my own worst critic).

Also causing me a bit of stress is two upcoming belly dance performances on one day. This upcoming Saturday afternoon we are performing four numbers in a nearby town and then that same evening we are having another Casbah (where we turn the studio into a nightclub - - the last time we did this, I performed my first ever belly dance solo). I am working on a new piece and I am hoping that I will have the dance ready for this performance.

Well, since I have to deal with my car issues this week as well as head into a new classroom AND work on a new belly dance solo, I should probably bring this to a close for tonight and focus on the insanity of the week ahead. =)

Treat =)

Happy Halloween everyone! I didn't pass out any candy this year but I was able to share a special treat with friends this year. My friend and her husband welcomed their son into the world yesterday morning (the day before their two year anniversary; yes, they were married on Halloween). I got to go see the new addition to their family and got to hold the little guy for about an hour and a half before they all got to go home from the hospital. While I was holding him, I got 'adopted' into another family and became "auntie" again. =)

While holding my friend's new little baby, I decided while even though I don't have one of my own, I can appreciate and marvel at the new little life that has been brought into the world. It felt so nice to have the little guy in my arms even though I had to give him back to his parents. I guess until the time I have a baby of my own (if it's in God's plan for me), I will just have to cherish each moment I can hold someone else's baby. =)

There was something else that I decided yesterday. While two hours of belly dance class is a good thing, a third hour makes it so I had difficulty moving. I went to my usual two hours of class yesterday and then me and another lady are working on a troupe piece we are going to perform at an upcoming show. We are getting ready to turn the studio into a nightclub again and two of the women don't want to do a solo so I suggested that the three of us perform one of our troupe dances so they can experience getting out on stage in a smaller group. One of the women couldn't make it yesterday but the other woman and I worked on the piece. Before we knew it, we had been dancing around the studio (to the piece we are going to perform and just "playing" to other music) for an hour. After I got home, showered and finally sat down on the couch, I discovered that I couldn't move. =) Oh, well. That extra hour of dancing with be good for me in the long run (at least that's what I'm telling myself anyway).

This past week has taken some interesting twists and turns at work. I had to participate in parent/teacher conferences and tell all of the parents of the kids in my class that I am moving into another classroom. I will be moving from my classroom of fourteen 2 and 3-year olds into a class with twenty-four 3, 4, and 5-year olds. While I have been in a preschool classroom before, I have been with my little friends for a year so it will be an adjustment to go into a classroom of slightly older children and the "drama" that goes along with it.

So, with switching classrooms also comes having to get to know a new set of kids and their idiosyncrasies. It also means collecting all of my "stuff" from within the classroom I'm currently in and either transferring it to my new room or bringing it home. That's always a fun task. I like to take my materials into a room and it's always tricky trying to make sure that I collect it all when I leave. Oh, well. At least I know that even if I don't remove it all, it will be put to good use and (hopefully) benefit the kids.

I guess moving classrooms is just another aspect along my quest. I will be able to work with a new group of children and hopefully help prepare them for their future education. That is one of the reasons I work with kids anyway; is to help lay the cornerstones for their future educational goals/achievements. I do know that it will take some time transitioning into a new classroom of children (I have to get used to them and they have to get used to me and my teaching style) but I am up for the challenge.... Or at least I think I am.... I hope I am.... =)

This upcoming week, I will just be "visiting" the new room (an hour here, two hours there) and then the following week I officially be one of the teachers in that room. All that's left is telling my current classroom of kids what's going on. That's not going to be a fun thing to have to do. I should probably bring this to a close for tonight so I can prepare myself for the upcoming week. I will keep everyone posted about the classroom changes.... =)

??

What do I want?.....

This is a question that has been posed to me to ponder. I can't say that it has an easy answer. But if it had an easy answer, the question wouldn't be posed to someone on a quest. There are things that I definitely want out of life but I don't know at this point what is/isn't a reality or in the cards for me.

• I would love to become a trainer of teachers (I think that I could do a good job passing my knowledge on to other educators) or an assistant director of a child care facility (in my opinion, director wouldn't be for me because in my experience, I wouldn't ever get to spend time with the kids in the center, I'd be too busy doing paperwork and other administrative duties).
• I would also love to get married again and to have kids of my own (not just have the kids that I work with).
• I would like to live closer to family (if it would be possible based on a job - I know that everyone has become hard-hit by the goings on in the economy but I would like a better paying job possibly in a different location).
• I would also enjoy going back to school to work on my Master's degree.
• And, last but not least, continue to belly dance.

Maybe I'm being a little greedy but I don't believe that I am. I have had a lot of things that have brought me down in the last two years and I am trying to find ways to continue to come back from that better than ever.

Part of my problem is I am concerned with what others want for my life. There was a point in my life where I didn't really care what others wanted - I was only focused on myself. From what I remember of that point in my life (I was a teenager - - and was self-absorbed as most teenagers are), I wasn't necessarily happy. So, since then, I have tried to find happiness in making others happy. Because of wanting to please others, I have often put on hold my own wants/needs/desires.

I'm not saying that there is something wrong with wanting to please others because I actually still have a strong desire to want to please others. I just have to learn when it's important to my own sanity/well-being to focus on myself first. For me, at least, it's kind of odd to have that as an option. I don't want to disappoint anyone, however, I need to also focus on what I feel I need to do.

A friend of mine reminded me of a song this past week and I have been listening to it pretty much ever since. The song is "Stand" by Rascal Flatts.

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright, you'll be alright

[Chorus:]
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you Stand, Then you stand

Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

Every time you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place
Oh

[Repeat Chorus]

When I feel like things are falling apart, I think I just need to remind myself to listen to this song... If I figure anything out between now and next week, I will be sure to include it in my post next week.

P.S. If you haven't seen the movie Gypsy (and you would like to understand about the cow on my blog), it will be on TCM this coming Thursday (check your local listing). =)

Weekend? What weekend?

Where did the weekend go? I'm sitting here wondering why I feel like I didn't have a weekend and then I think back to everything that I had going on... Yesterday, I went to dance class and then had to work for an event (the hours were long but the overtime will be nice). Then, today I sang a solo at church this morning and had a dance solo tonight. Plus in-between all of that insanity, I decided to work on a costume piece for my performance tonight. Let me go back a little bit...

Yesterday in dance class, my instructor was wearing pants that were really neat. After class, I looked at them a little closer and said, "Oh, I think I can make those!" So, I went and bought myself some black workout pants, cut a 1-foot slit from the ankle up and then cut three circles along the outer thigh. I then had to hem the slit (by machine) and the circles (by hand). After that, I used rhinestones to make diamond patterns above and below each of the circles. Since I had to work last night, I was in a bit of a time crunch but I did get them done at about 2 AM. I think they turned out pretty cool and people at the performance tonight said they couldn't believe that I made them and that I didn't buy them. =)

Another dance instructor in the area had put together a show at a restaurant approximately 45 minutes from here and four people from my troupe performed in the show -- 2 of us performed solos and 2 worked together on a duet. For some reason, I was extremely nervous before my dance solo tonight. I don't know if it was a difference in venue or what but I was nervous. It was a fun show (it was a Halloween theme so my song, "I Put a Spell on You" fit in perfectly), I just had to work through the nerves.

I was third in the line up and someone told me after the show that my performance, even though I was third, set the energy for the entire show. I was off-stage before I performed and didn't really get to see what was going on before my time to dance. So, to hear from someone who watched those before me and then my performance, that I helped to set the energy for the show really helped make me feel good. =)

When I was talking to my parent's earlier today (before my performance), I was telling them that sometimes people will tip the belly dancers as they come off stage. Dad made the comment that he couldn't wait to tell people at work that his daughter dances for money and that Mom makes the costumes in order for me to perform. I laughed and said if he was going to tell people that, he should also tell people that they (Mom and Dad) bought me my first set of lessons for my birthday last year. =) It was just a really funny conversation. Don't worry, belly dance is NOT stripping - - not even close. Maybe part of what made it so funny is it that it was coming from my parents. ;)

Oh, not weekend related but something that happened this past week is I had my job interview and I think it went really well. I'm not sure if/when I'm going to hear anything about it but I am still kind of hopeful for the potential opportunity. I guess I'll just have to wait and see...

Well, because I didn't really have a weekend, I think I need to head to bed before it gets too much later so I can rest up for the week ahead...

Transitions......

So I survived the big 3-0 birthday and want to know why I didn't get my copy of the "I now have insider information to life" booklet..... Okay, so I wasn't really expecting a booklet explaining the mysteries of the adult universe, but a girl can dream... ;)

One of the things that I did notice about turning 30 is my world didn't fall apart (which is a good thing). I also noticed that I don't necessarily have any more input than I did when I was 29 either. But I did get a good piece of advice for my birthday, "who says life has to end at 30?! You can make this the BEST time of your life yet!!" I hope to....

Something else I noticed, I noticed a few days after my birthday - - the indent on my left ring finger caused by my wedding band is no longer visible. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that. I mean, it is yet another outward symbol of me moving on (and it's been almost two years since the wasband left) but I guess I had just gotten used to the indent being on my finger.

I guess these new discoveries lead me to a new/different/scary transition point in my life. There are times I feel as if I've had so many transitions in the past 23 months that I am just like a snowflake or a raindrop twisting and twirling in the wind or a wave being tossed about by the ocean. I guess it's time for me to try and take hold of my life rather than just leaving it all up to fate.

Like I said last week, I don't want to fight anymore... Yes, I have a "spirit" to me that I don't want to diminish but it gets so tiring fighting life all of the time. Maybe being so tired comes from fighting decisions that I have been faced with lately that may lead me down a different path in life. I have another potential opportunity this coming week (another job interview) that I am interested in but wary as well. I don't want to get my hopes up too much just in case it falls through, but this opportunity would open up other doors/opportunities for me as well (more money would allow for me to go back to school and have a slightly bigger apartment than the one I have now; it would also allow for me to grow professionally). I guess all I can do is interview my best and go from there...

Yes, that may sound like I am just leaving things up to fate but when it comes to interviewing there is only just so much that I could do. I can answer the questions to the best of my capabilities and then the decision making process really does leave my control. Just have to wait and see...

Maybe I need to apply one of the songs we use during transition time in my classroom (we use this particular song during clean-up time which is pretty apparent...). The song lyrics are "Clean-up! Clean-up! Everybody, everywhere! Clean-up! Clean-up! Everybody do your share!" I guess it's time to roll up my sleeves and clean-up some of the more "dirty" corners of my life. Time to plug in the iPod, since I don't have my own eight-track player, (we used Dad's old eight-track tapes to clean to growing up - and yes, they were old then) and clean in time to the music.

On a more positive note, I have a belly dance solo that I will be working on this upcoming week for a performance a week from today. It is a show that is being performed at a restaurant and the theme of the show is Halloween (so "my" song, I Put a Spell on You is ironically appropriate). =)

I will let my readers know how the cleaning goes and how the performance goes next time. =)

As if I didn't have enough to worry about....

As if I didn't have enough to worry about, I was told today by my landlord that there have been several break-ins in the neighborhood over the last couple of months. I don't have a lot of valuable stuff but I don't need what little stuff I do have to disappear.... Now, if they want to take some of my random stuff in storage boxes, that would be one thing, but I don't think they would stop at just that....

Hopefully, I won't have to worry about any of that and if they do choose to target my area, my little bundles of fur (the doggies) will scare them off. Even though my pups are small, they think they are big dogs and they have pretty loud barks if provoked. Plus, if mine start barking, there are three big dogs upstairs and I have a feeling they would start barking as well. I guess I will just have to start being even more careful....

It's sad that this is something that we have to face in the world today. I know that times are tough for almost everyone these days, but the fact that people steal from others is a shame. We all try to work as hard as we can for what we have and then there is the fear that someone could just come along and take it all away. In my opinion, that's just really sad.

Something that did make me feel better today was a long-distance phone hug. I'm not going to say who gave it to me (cough-cough, Dad, cough-cough), but it made me feel better. Even just the thought of a big bear hug from Dad, helped make me feel better. It's sad at times to think that I haven't seen my family (other than my one brother coming out to visit in July) in almost a year. Growing up, I thought that what I really wanted was to be on my own away from my family. Now, I'm realizing while I may not want to be exactly where they are (because it's very difficult to find a job there right now), I would like to be closer to them.

Maybe that's one of the things that makes being a grown-up so interesting.... Things that you thought were important aren't necessarily; and things that weren't so important before, can become important. Growing up is never easy, but it makes it easier when you have the love/support of your family. That is something I have realized being so far away from family, on my own. While I have friends, family is different; at least in my opinion. Maybe one day I will be closer to them.

Life is every growing and changing and I can either choose to go along with it or fight it... I don't want to fight it anymore.... I don't want to be a doormat, but I don't want to fight things I can't necessarily change on my own.

Another fabulous day of shimmying....

Today was a spectacular troupe performance at another belly dance festival. =) After the troupe performed, there was time to watch other performers and shop for belly dance wares before attending a workshop class that I signed up for. Luckily I had a baby-sitting job yesterday that allowed me to be able to purchase a matching top and fringe hip scarf that will match a pair of turquoise pants that my Mom already made for me - so I'm very excited that I have another complete outfit!! =) I also picked up some really neat body glitter that I'll be able to use for some upcoming performances.

The workshop class was good but it didn't necessarily knock my socks off. It was a two-hour workshop (the length of belly dance class that I normally attend), but the time just seemed to drag on and on. I don't know if part of it was due to the instructors teaching style (we tended to do the same move over and over and over and over........) or if it's because the moves we were working on weren't some of my favorite to perform... Maybe that's part of my quest - be more open-minded to all of the varieties of belly dance.

Another facet of my quest is coming to terms with the event that's occurring in just under two weeks - - my thirtieth birthday. *ominous music here* It's not the fact that I mind getting older, I never really have. It deals with not fulfilling things that I wanted before I turned 30. I believe I've mentioned before that I wanted a husband and family by the time my thirtieth birthday came around. Well, husband is gone and all I have in the way of children of my own are my doggies. With the big 3-0 rapidly approaching, I have to come to terms with those things not happening along my timeline.

I don't know why I picked that age to be when I originally wanted those things to occur by, but I guess I need to let go of that notion. I don't necessarily need to let go of those hopes/dreams completely but the time frame needs to be altered and once it's altered, not necessarily set in concrete. Things you try to set in concrete have a tendency to break.

I guess I just need to try to put into practice something my college choir professor taught us - - that is the importance of looking at situations flexibly. It's not a concept that is always an easy one but it is something that I should work on doing again. I know there is the saying "don't sweat the small stuff" but for me anyway, it's always been easier to say than do. It's not that I can't be flexible, there are just certain things that I wanted and I have to learn how to alter my plans.

I guess that may not be a bad thing; good things can come when you're not looking for them, right?

Some firsts today

Today was a day of "firsts" for me. One of the exciting “firsts” of today was I attended/danced at my first belly dance festival (we danced as a troupe at a belly dance festival). Another first was going over the Golden Gate Bridge (wish it wouldn't have been so foggy but it was still really neat!!). I was also told today (by three different people) that they liked my color of costume best (my costume is lime, yes, LIME green!!) and I had three different people tell me that they enjoyed watching my dancing the best out of the troupe!

Well, I guess that helps with my wish of no longer wanting to be invisible when it comes to troupe dancing. It was really great to be noticed! =)

Even though it was a small belly dance festival, it was extremely exciting to be one of the members performing. We perform next week at an even bigger belly dance festival and I can't wait!! It was just so exhilarating being surrounded by such beautiful dancers and recognizing that I am one of them. It was fun to visit the different booths and see what people were selling too.

I bought a new dance top that's black velvet with rhinestone flowers/leaves on it. I also bought a camel marionette. I figured every belly dancer should have a camel so I bought one. =) I will say that my doggies do not like the camel! They were trying to use him as a chew toy... Belly dance Mama was not happy that the doggies were trying to eat the camel! =(

Days like today solidify my decision not to take the job that was offered to me. Granted there are times where I still wonder if I made the correct decision not to take it but days like today make up for those times. I have so much fun with my belly dance "gal pals" that it makes up for not choosing to advance my career at this point. Who knows; another opportunity may come my way, it may not right now...... But, at this moment, I believe it is more important for me to have my "gal pals" because they help to find "me."

It was fun to have a day of performing and then laughing/playing with the girls. That's something that I don't always allow myself to do. When I am at class, there are times where I take myself too seriously and become introverted (I know, I know.... surprise, surprise for me). Today, there wasn't time to take myself too seriously. Did I make mistakes in the choreography? Yes! But the world didn't end, the stage didn't swallow me whole, and most importantly, I KEPT SMILING despite the mistakes! And even now, hours and hours later, I'm not beating myself up for the mistakes that I made. See, I am making progress! ;)

Well, after the excitement/adrenaline of the day, I should probably try to wind down before heading to bed. Tomorrow I am sure will be another fun-filled/exciting/busy day with the two and three year olds.... =)

Breakfast with Grandma

I was talking with my Grandma a few weeks ago and she said something that has stuck with me since. She told me reading my posting is like eating breakfast with me.

Let me go into some background information... Every Monday, my Grandma gets up, turns on her computer and then goes to start her coffee. By the time her coffee is finished, she may or may not fix herself a bite to eat, and then she will go and check to see if her computer is on (she has a slow computer/Internet connection - but it suits her purpose). If her computer is on, she will get her Internet turned on and will wait for it to load, and go do something else while she waits. When her computer connects to the Internet, my blog is her homepage and she starts to read. We are connected even though we are over 2000 miles apart.

Some of my fondest memories from visiting my Grandparents (even when growing up we lived out of state) are eating breakfast with Grandma. My Grandpa tended to eat breakfast in bed (we got to take turns taking it to him) and Grandma would sit with us at the table. Grandma would ask us what kind of cereal we wanted and if we wanted a piece of toast or not to go with it. She would ask us questions and always seemed genuinely interested in our answers.

As I've grown up, I still enjoy sitting with Grandma at her kitchen table when I visit (which isn't nearly as often as I would like). Grandma has always supported me in my decisions and choices. She is one of my biggest fans when it comes to my blog and that helps encourage me to write. Grandma is one of my biggest fans regardless. =)

That was one of the things I was looking forward to most after I got married. I wanted to have kids right away so I could watch them grow and enjoy their children. My parents and even my grandparents have been relatively young compared to the ages of my friend's parents/grandparents. I wanted to be young enough to enjoy my children/grandchildren. Not to say it won't still happen for me, I know lots of people have children after they turn 30. I just saw myself at a different point in life by the time I turned 30 (as I do next month).

I know that my life won't end when I turn 30 and that I still have a lot of life ahead of me. Like I said, I just thought I would be at a different point in my life when I hit 30. I'll just have to wait and see what my 30's have in store for me.

I have been thinking a lot about families as well because I went to a baby shower yesterday for a co-worker who has become a good friend. I am so thrilled for her and her husband because I believe they are going to be fabulous parents to their little one when he comes. But baby showers and other baby related things are difficult for me. I know that all babies are precious and they offer love/hope/possibilities however, it hits pretty close to home since I want one of my own. Once again, I guess I'll just have to wait and see what my 30's hold...

Until then, thanks for having breakfast with me, Grandma! =)

Passage of time

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...... Have you ever just sat and listened to the clock tick time away? There have been times where I find myself listening to the clock and hearing the time passing. I have decided that I no longer wish to be a spectator in life. I want to re-enter life. It's not that I haven't been alive, but there is a part of me that feels as if I'm just starting to live.

In just about a month I will be turning the big 3-0 and I am just starting to learn thing about myself. I am enjoying this discovery but it is difficult as well. It's almost like being a teenager all over again.... YUCK! I really didn't enjoy much of my teenage years....

One of the things I have realized throughout my quest thus far is I am in a situation where I have the unique opportunity to re-invent myself. I no longer have to fit into the mold that has been created by people along the way through my life. I don't want to forget those individuals or the "me" they helped create, but there is something I can do to change things now.

I have been told who I should be most of my life; especially been told that by guys I've dated. I have been told that I've been too heavy, too thin, to smart, too opinionated, ... but no one ever seemed to truly like me for me. Maybe that's because I didn't truly like me for me. There have been times where I feel as if I'm so busy taking care of others that I haven't taken time to take care of myself. This is something that I definitely want to work on.

I'm not sure exactly the person that I want to end up but I do know some things that I do want:

• I want to continue to learn/perform belly dance
• I don't want to be an afterthought
• I'm working on not being invisible
• I want to love and be loved again
• even though I work with kids, I would like at least one of my own someday
• I eventually want to go back to school, work on my Master's degree

I know that none of these things will come easy and they won't come quickly. But that's part of life and my quest. I am finding that each passing day holds new surprises, some good and some bad, but each day holds new possibilities as well. If I let opportunities pass me by, I limit the possibilities for my life. I want to make time count. I want to make my time and my quest count for something. Even if the end result is finding myself and helping one person along the way.