As the end of the year approaches....

In some ways it's hard to believe 2009 is coming to a close. There are still times where it feels like yesterday, my world as I knew it was crumbling around me. Other days, I am amazed at the personal progress I have achieved in the last year. While I still have moments of panic/feeling as if I've made little or no progress, I am starting to think these moments are perfectly okay. Usually when I have those moments, I call my parents and they remind me of where I was at this point last year along my quest (to me, I felt as if I was at the bottom of the ocean where the crash of the waves was keeping me) and they help guide me back to where I am presently along my quest.

Currently I am enjoying time with family. From spending this past year essentially by myself, I appreciate this time. Granted there were many times growing up, I WISHED for time alone (that's what happens in a small, three bedroom house with a total of 6 people, a dog, and a couple of hamsters who had a tendency to escape); now there are times I find myself wishing for the insanity my family always offered (I use the term "insanity" with love and my family knows it and would have a hard time disagreeing with that term). =)

To give everyone reading a glimpse into my family's insanity, Sunday night (which is why my blog was not updated on Sunday), my parents, my sister and her hubby, me, my brother, and my youngest brother and his wife played a game called "Quelf." This game is NOT for the faint of heart or for anyone who has no desire to make an absolute fool of themselves. The first card that was drawn was pulled by my youngest brother (who is just about 6'5" and built like a football player). This card instructed said 6'5" former football player to pull up his shirt and dance like a belly dancer for 30 seconds. Any other family probably would have packed up the game and never spoken of it again - - not my family!! =)

We continued to play, following the instructions as the things we had to do/say/come up with became more and more ridiculous. Some of the things taking place in my parent's livingroom included:

• having to pretend to be a "human boomarang"
• one person saying "It serves you right, Captain Poopy-pants" anytime another player had to move their piece backwards
• one player being instructed to give themselves a wedgie
• another player, if they wanted to say a phrase longer than three words, had to ask their foot's permission (and their foot had to respond in a high sqeaky voice, "Permission granted")
• everyone coming up with "excuses you've used to get out of a date"
• watching one of the male players high-kick like a Vegas showgirl for 30 seconds
• and it went on and on......

All of this was going on while trying to entertain my 2-year old nephew and keep two dogs away from the gameboard (even though there were moments where I'm sure at least one person wished either the boy or the dogs would have up-ended the board to put us out of our misery). As I said, insanity!! =) Even though it was insane, it was lots of fun!

I then got to have even more fun last night babysitting my nephew (I know, as if I don't get enough of 2-3 year olds at my job). =) With now being a former military spouse, I'm hoping I'll get to see him (and the rest of my family) at least a little more often as I have only seen him a total of three times now in two years. He and I played in the snow, watched some Nick Jr., and he and I had SO much fun doing sign language for "more" at dinner (I showed it to him and he picked it up so fast!).

I'm hoping the last couple of days (and the few more I get to spend with my family) are an indication of the direction my life is going to take in 2010. I am hoping my 2010 is going to at least start me down the path towards having a family of my own one day. I guess, once again, we will just have to wait and see.... =)

Thank you for joining me on my quest thus far and hopefully continuing along with me in 2010. I hope that everyone had a joyous Christmas and will have a Happy New Year!! =)

Kind of odd...

While I know the Christmas season is upon us, it was kind of odd for it to be 70 degrees today with the sun shining and the song "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas" to come on the radio. I can at least console myself with the fact that the day after Christmas I will be somewhere where snow is supposed to be on the ground. That's one of the things I miss. Actually living someplace where there are 4 distinct seasons.

Oh, well. What I am getting excited about is the knowledge that this time next week, I'll be with family! I haven't been home in 14 months so I am excited. I wish I could afford to be there longer than a week, but that's all of the time I have off of work. Going home for a week is better than not going home at all though.

I know that the feeling of Christmas comes from knowing the true meaning of the Christmas season and having that in your heart. But Christmas for me has also always meant family. There is just nothing better than sharing traditions/stories that only families understand. For example, one of the best Christmas stories from my family most people wouldn't "get." All I have to say to my family is, "Oh.... it's boots...." and they are in hysterics. I also remember being a kid trying to make coffee with my siblings to try to get Mom and Dad up so we could open presents. At least we're old enough now to know how to make it. =)

As this year draws to a close, part of me is amazed that this year is almost over and there is another part of me that is saying, "It's not over YET?!" I know that a lot has happened this year and I can say that I have survived it all. I feel as if I can honestly say, I have come a long way this year and am anxious to see what 2010 holds...

Come a long way

I was rereading some of my old journals that I had written last year after my wasband left. One of the entries I came across included a dream I had shortly before I received the divorce papers. I actually had the dream the night on what would have been our anniversary last year. The entry read:

I feel lost in a dark forest and am looking for you to shine a flashlight or a candle or anything to help light my way so I don’t stumble and fall. But the light doesn’t come and I know I need to find my way out of the wood. As I try to escape, the trees seem to reach out for me and I begin to run. As I run, I just keep falling down and I am now starting to hear laughter in the darkness as I trip over the roots and am continuously knocked down by branches… Any time I am able to get to my feet, I stumble forward, with outstretched hands, only to fall again as the laughter continues. I can see a pinprick of light in the distance and feel if I can only reach the light, I’ll be able to escape from my torturous flight in the darkness. No matter how hard I try, I can’t reach the light and the laughter continues… I hear it in my head and it echoes in my heart. That really isn’t a good feeling. The laughter makes me want to sit down on the floor of the woods and cry out in desperation and frustration but I know I must not stop – I have to reach the light… I don’t know why it’s a feeling of desperation but I feel like no matter what physical harm comes to me or how my soul is being tortured, I must reach the light… Everything depends on reaching the light… But I can’t………… You’re the laughter I hear…

The "you" at the end was my wasband. I felt as if he was laughing at my desperation. Now I am the one who feels like laughing because I have reached my destination - the light. Granted I still have days where I feel as if I may get lost in the woods again but at least I have reached the light that I was so desperate for. Having the love and support of my family and friends has helped me reach the light along the journey of finding myself.

I have come to terms with not having all of the answers. I don't want all of the answers. If I had them all, my journey would be over and I would have nothing left to look forward to in life. Yes, there are times I wish it didn't have to be so difficult but in the difficulty I am able to appreciate when things aren't so difficult. I know that I have a long way to go and I am coming to terms with that. I want to try to appreciate each step along my journey, even if my steps are me just stumbling along.

Thanks to all of you who help me up when I stumble or if I fall. =)

Finally....

Today I received a fat white envelope in the mail. In that envelope I found papers from the court system via my lawyer telling me that my marriage has been dissolved. Finally.

As I stated before, I didn't want this originally, but I am just glad it's over. Now I am able to look forward to starting 2010 anew plus I have true closure.

I will write more later. I don't think this has fully sunk in yet but I wanted to add it as a part of my quest.

Rough Day....

Today was rough for me -- today marked what would have been my 6-year anniversary. I was trying to look at today as just "another day" along my journey, but it didn't turn out that way. I didn't sleep very well last night, tossing and turning a lot, and then today at church (as we do the first Sunday of every month), they recognized anyone who had a December birthday or anniversary. Ouch!! Just one more reminder....

While I'm not the one who initiated the divorce, today has made me feel pretty inadequate. What could I have done differently? Could I have saved my marriage? Where did things begin to go wrong/fall apart? Why wasn't I good enough? While I have these questions and more, I don't know that I will ever have the answers to them.

At this point, I just need this all behind me. I am still waiting for the divorce to be finalized and even though I didn't want the divorce originally, I just want it over now. I want to be able to move on from this point in my life. I know that a piece of paper won't make it any easier to move on, but I just need to know that it is 100% over and finalized.

There are times I find it difficult to allow myself some leniency/compassion throughout this mess. I consider myself to be a pretty good friend to others but have trouble being a friend to myself. I'm not quite sure why that is. Maybe it's because I try so hard to help everyone else out that I don't always take the time for myself. I have come to the conclusion that needs to change.

One of the things I am continuing to do for myself is I am still taking my belly dance lessons. I am finding that I am really enjoying this form of self-expression. While I remember being hesitant to take my first class, I am glad that I forced myself to go (it also helped getting a swift kick in the butt from my Mom - - thanks, Mom!!). I am amazed not only at the physical transformation belly dancing is helping me achieve, but the emotional/internal transformation as well. While I am still on the bigger side, I am finding that I can move my body in ways I never would have dreamed possible.

I know that I still have a ways to go before my external and internal transformations are complete, but as my parents reminded me today, I need just "keep swimming" and "keep shimmying" along the way. Sure, I am going to make mistakes along the way, some big, some small, but what kind of quest would this be without pitfalls along the way?

Strange

Today a strange feeling came over me. It started off as an almost panicked feeling and then it just surprised me. I was panicked/surprised that my wedding ring was "missing" from my finger. I haven't worn my ring in almost a year so why did I miss it today? I have NO clue....

Granted, in under a week, is the day that would have been my 6 year anniversary. That is a strange feeling. Knowing that I am swiftly approaching what marks the anniversary of the day my wasband swore to love, honor and cherish me for as long as we both shall live (ironically, two days after what would have been my 5 year anniversary last year, I received the divorce papers telling me essentially that my wasband didn't love, honor or cherish me anymore). I don't know if that's what made me miss my wedding ring today or what happened....

I feel like I am making progress along my journey of personal growth and then a day like today happens. While I was able to recover from my feeling of panic rather quickly, having the feeling still distracted me some throughout my day. I was just confused as to why I missed my ring today. I don't know what made today any different than this past year. After I got ready for work and I was getting ready to head out the door, I glanced at my left hand and then noticed that my ring was "missing." It was strange for the first few weeks after I took it off initially last year, but for the most part since then, I haven't really realized it was gone.

There are times where parts of me feel broken beyond repair. As I said, I feel like I am making progress but then there are times where I wonder if I will ever feel completely whole again. I am working on my self-confidence issues by taking my belly dancing class but I know that there are some issues that are just going to take time to work through. I took me a while to get to this point in my life and it's not going to be "fixed" overnight. I just have to work on being patient - something that I occasionally have problems with.... =)

Well, while I continue on my journey of self-reflection and self-improvement, I will continue to post my thoughts. I hope my readers continue to enjoy. =)

Until then, I need to sign off so I can belly dance on my own (that's the great thing about the fitness industry, you can buy every type of workout video imaginable). =)