Okay, as stated last time, I went to my first (and now second) belly dancing class. Boy do I hurt! My front and oblique abs hurt, my muscles that band around my mid back, and the backs of my thighs hurt. The abs being sore is especially evident when I am teaching in the class of 2 and 3 year olds. UGH! As long as I can keep this up, this is all going to help in my weight loss goals so that pain is a good thing. I think… =)
When I was in my first class, I realized something. I have entered the ANGER stage of this journey. I am angry with myself for getting to where I have been physically but I am angry at my wasband for convincing me that this was okay. He told me that he loved me “no matter what” and that included what I looked like. Being bigger just gave him “more of me to love” he would tell me. Apparently he didn’t mean that…
I am angry with myself for believing this and for allowing what he thought of me convince me that my thoughts of myself didn’t matter. I was beginning to hate myself because of how I looked and he would try to convince me that I was still as beautiful as the day he married me. The sad part is, because my self-esteem was so low, I believed him. I began to see myself through his eyes and began to convince myself that I was okay how I was. When he left me, my eyes were opened and I once again began to hate myself.
A few years ago, the wasband actually bought me a basic belly dance work out DVD but I never used it. At this point, I’m glad I never did. That may sound a little silly because I am now enjoying this type of workout but let me explain. While I know he is the one who gave it to me, I will be using it for me and only me at this point. After my first class, belly dancing is something I can see myself using to continue my transformation.
When I first started the class, I looked at myself in the full-length mirror in my yoga pants and shirt tied in a knot and went “blech.” Surprisingly, by the end of class, I was beginning to see the possibility that is hidden inside of me; of the outside transformation I can make to match my internal transformation. While exciting, the thought shook me a little.
For a long time, I have wanted to change my appearance and have gone about doing so in some pretty unhealthy ways. At one point, I ate nothing but salads, drank diet soda and water and walked 2-4 miles a day on a treadmill. While I was starting to look good on the outside, I was miserable on the inside. So, I gave up on that. A few years later, I took up doing Tae Bo with my wasband and friend in my friend’s living room. Once again, I got results, however, the “violence” of it (learning how to punch and kick effectively) took its toll in other areas of my life. Once again, being counterproductive overall.
With belly dancing, I feel it’s as much an internal workout as it is an external workout. I am finding that not only am I getting in tune with my muscles, I am finding what I’m made of as well. My instructor is performing a move, and in my head I’m going “I can’t possibly do that! She’s way skinnier than I am, my body is never going to move like that so why should I even try!!” When I tell my brain to “shut up!” and let my body take over, I am finding that I can do it. At this point in my transformation, being able to have that thought for myself (because other people have been telling me that I can do it) is worth the pain I am feeling in my muscles.
One of the things I really liked from my second belly-dancing lesson (I was testing two different studios to see which one I liked better) is what the instructor said near the beginning of class. She told us that we tend to draw experiences into us and tend to hide from the world – drawing our arms in front of us to cover up. With belly dancing, we need to pull or throw those layers of insecurity off of us and lead ourselves into the world with our heart. If we do that then people will look past our outward appearance and will immediately see our heart. That is my goal.
I am really looking forward to going to class next week. =)
