Would I change things?

In the last week or two, I've had some people ask me if I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, would I change things? After thinking about it, my answer is more complex than just a "yes" or a "no."

Would I have changed things with the "wasband?" Yes. Would I have still married him knowing how things ended up? Yes.

I know that may seem strange - why would I go through all it knowing it was just going to end in heartache? If I wouldn't have gone through the heartache, I wouldn't be in the place I am in my life now. Yes, I have (several times) consulted my Magic 8 ball and have asked it if I should just drive my car into the ocean (and the answer from the 8 ball has been "yes" and "no" so I'm confused....) so maybe it's a good thing my Magic 8 ball is still packed in a box somewhere... :)

I would not be on my current quest if I wouldn't have gone through what I have in the last year. So, yes, I would still marry him knowing what I know now because of who I am becoming. I would use the information I know now to make different choices with him realizing even that might not have been enough to save the marriage. Things still might have ended in heartache; there's really no way to know.

Yes, there are times that hindsight sucks but that doesn't mean I would trade it all in just to relive the past. I have learned a lot about myself and who I want to become and who I never want to be again. So, like I said, it's more complicated than a simple "yes" or "no."

Yesterday, I had to laugh at myself again because of something that excited me... I emptied out the suitcases that I have been living out of and put the clothes in my dresser and in the closet! Yes, I still have 3 wardrobe boxes (all three of which, when empty, fit into my Volkswagen Beetle and there was still room for my Mom and I - - it's true!!) to empty but that will come in time. :)

Granted, I still have LOTS more boxes to unpack but it will give me something to do when I'm not working. And who knows, there are lots of opportunities still open to me so I still don't know 100 % where I'm going to end up. Only time will tell... Maybe it's a good thing humans don't have a way to see what the future holds. Yes, I have said at times I wish that I just knew where I was going to end up but (even though it may sound weird coming from me...) I'm kind of enjoying the journey. And I'm looking to see not only where I end up, but who the new "Gypsy" becomes....

Thanks for joining me on my quest. :)

Laughing at myself...

Well, I had to laugh at myself this weekend... Some of my big accomplishments include: figuring out how to make my printer work (I thought I had it figured out but had to call my own personal tech support - thanks Mom and Dad), I found my checkbook (necessary for writing my first rent check ever), and I hooked up my TV to cable. Oh, plus I emptied one box full of kitchen supplies. WooHoo!! I know, not huge accomplishments but I thought they were a big deal. :)

Oh, another thing I did this weekend was I bought myself a clock! It's not just ANY clock though. It is a clock that the "wasband" would NOT have liked and he probably would roll his eyes at it but I DON'T CARE!! I bought it because I liked it and to make the purchase even better, it was on clearance for $5 (marked down from $30).

I am learning to take pleasure in small accomplishments. I figure if I do that, maybe some of the big questions I have for the future may not be so scary. So even though setting up the printer, finding my checkbook and hooking my TV up to cable weren't major accomplishments, they were still accomplishments and I should recognize them.

I was reminded today about the song from "The King and I" (yes, I am a movie junkie - thus the movie references and the fact I can't WAIT to get my movies out of a box) that tells you to "Whistle a Happy Tune" and things don't seem so bad. Yes, my life has taken some twists and turns that I never expected it to take but I'm trying to take it all in stride. Sure, I have some good and bad days (and the bad days can be pretty bad) but I have survived it all. That's gotta' count for something, right? Maybe the song is what has helped me even without me realizing it. I have put on a brave front but there have been days that I've had a bad day without anyone realizing it. Don't want to bring people down with me...

This entire messy situation has shown me that I'm a lot stronger on the inside than I thought. I've always seemed tough on the outside but this has shown me that I'm also tough on the inside. I may stumble along the way but battle scars will just show that I'm a surviver. So even though part of me is bummed that I won't be moving, that doesn't mean that I can't get the fresh start that I want or that it isn't coming.

I will just have to keep plugging away and keep swimming. I thank those around me (both locally and those who are here for me emotionally - since they don't live near me) for providing flotation devices and who are helping to keep me afloat at this difficult time. Thanks for helping me keep my head above water. :)

Just when I thought things were figured out...

Well, I heard from what I thought was going to be my new job yesterday and they decided that salary negotiations were going to become, "this is what your salary is going to be... so what if it's $1.50 less per hour than we told you it was going to be, that's what the salary will be..." So, I have by close of business tomorrow to give them my answer. Hmmmmm..... let me think.....

After a very tearful discussion with my parents (I was the one crying, not them), and some number crunching, I have decided that the best option (mostly financially) is going to be to stay where I am. I have come to terms with that decision. One of the things my Mom and Dad both said (geez, I love my parents; and NO, I'm not just saying that) is that my quest isn't over (even though that's how I initially felt), it is just changing, as quests have a tendency to do. Quests have never promised to be easy and I don't know why I thought mine was coming to an end just because I was moving.

I am proud of myself for at least considering making this big of a move, on my own (with help but still facing being alone after getting there), and yes, it sucks that I won't be doing it now but that doesn't mean it will never happen. Who, knows...

Maybe I need to compare my quest to the ocean. The ocean is ever changing with the waves constantly hitting upon the shore. But that doesn't stop it. It goes out and it comes back in; over and over; never giving up. If you have ever just watched the ocean (which is one of my favorite pastimes), there is no rhyme or reason to where the waves wash up or even how the waves look. One minute they may be lapping peacefully on the shore and the next, the waves are crashing. I just have to view that my quest is crashing upon the shore right now but I have the choice to "just keep swimming" (thanks Mom!) or let myself drown in self-pity.

As for now, I choose to "just keep swimming" and we'll see where I end up....

"How is this a bad plan?"

Okay, so you know the saying "best laid plans....."? Yeah, not so much....

I have been attempting to get all of my paperwork together in preparation for my new job and the "big move" and it's not going as planned..... Paperwork is a funny thing. You turn in what they ask for and it inevitably is the wrong paperwork. You fill out Form A as requested, then they want Form Q. I don't know why I'm so surprised... I am on a quest. Quests aren't supposed to be easy....

After thinking about my last post, I am getting really tired of "warehouse living." I am also getting really tired of the clothes that aren't packed in boxes... I think back before the move and I can't begin to count the number of times I have looked in my full closet of clothes saying "I have nothing to wear..." Now I'm saying "How many combinations can I make out of these 3 pairs of jeans, 5 pairs of capris, a jean skirt and a handful of shirts?" Especially when I work in a Preschool setting.... When you work with 3 and 4 year olds, stuff gets on your clothes. Of course it all says washable, but because I'm limited on clothes, anytime I get something on me, I hope that when it says "washable" that it truly is... There are times I think, "Oh, I could wear this shirt today...... No, wait. I can't because it's in a box. I don't want to wear it that bad.... I know I wore this shirt last week but maybe I can wear it yet again. Of course it's clean but I feel like I just wore it yesterday..." Part of the quest again...

There are times I look at all of my boxes and I wonder if I should just take my computer (so I can continue my blog), my dogs, cell phone, purse and a handful of clothes, jump in my Volkswagen Beetle and drive away. Leave a note for my landlord saying I don't care what they do with the boxes but I'm going on my quest. But then I remember that if I do that and head towards my new job, my paperwork hasn't been completed. So I should probably stay and look at boxes... Ugh!

I am learning that quests are a funny thing. There are times I feel like I am becoming the new me; standing up for myself in situations that would normally have made me say, "Okay, sorry to have bothered you. What would you like me to do instead?" Then there are other times that I feel as if I just chucked it all would it make things any easier?

Today I watched one of the greatest movies of all time, "Man of La Mancha." Watching it reminded me about quests. Watching the man, that everyone thought was crazy, talk about his quest really began to make sense to me. If you have never seen the movie or heard the song "The Impossible Dream," I HIGHLY recommend that you do so. Maybe because it made sense to me, I am becoming my own Gypsy version of Dulcinea... Or maybe I'm Sancho. I don't think I'm Don Quixote yet but maybe someday...

Life among boxes....

Let me tell you - life among boxes is NOT fun at all! I can't believe it's only been a week since I moved into my "interim" apartment (the one I'm in until I make the BIG move for my new job). Looking at all of the tote boxes and random other boxes is making me feel as if I'm living in a warehouse and not an apartment. I mean, I know it's all of my stuff in the boxes (and I know that I probably have WAY too much stuff) but it's a bummer because if I unpack any of it, I just have to repack it when I move again. It's just hard to make any place truly feel like home when you can't unpack...

Granted, I know that I could unpack some things to make this place feel more like home but I really don't want to have to pack it all again... Maybe I would feel better if I knew when I was going to make the BIG move (still waiting for them to tell me when my start date is going to be) so I had it to look forward too. It's hard to really look forward to something when you know it's going to happen "at some point" in the future.

I know, I know. Some people (especially people where I work now and where I go to church) would tell me just to tell my new job that I've reconsidered and then I could stay here and unpack. While part of me says that sounds pretty good about now (because I could unpack and put the tote boxes into storage and not have to look at them anymore), I feel as if I would be missing out on a big opportunity for me to find out who "me" is...

Yes, finding "me" is a prospect that I find pretty nerve-racking (since, other than the past almost 10 months, I've been able to define "me" as my "wasbands" spouse for five years). Before that, I was the college student studying to be a teacher (something that I have wanted to be since I was in Kindergarten myself but am now considering going back to school for something different). Before that I defined myself as the second child in my family (sandwiched between my sister and two brothers).

I've always thought that I've done a good job just "blending in" whether in school or in my family; so the thought of trying to stand out (and strike out on my own) is absolutely terrifying. I've never been overly comfortable in the spotlight and have always been one to encourage other people to be in the spotlight (while I am the support from the sidelines). Yes, I have found myself in the spotlight at more than one point in my life but I don't always know what to do with that light and I often find it to be blinding. But that's for another day...

But back to the boxes.... Even though moving in a new direction terrifies me, it means that I can get to where I'm going and unpack all of these stupid tote boxes! It is yet to be determined if it's going to be 100% worth it but I think it's at least going to be close. :)

Living out of boxes makes it annoying because everything you want becomes a calculated decision of if it's worth it to have to dig in a tote box for... Even when it comes to reading a book or watching a movie (both vices for me) - I have to find the tote, dig around for what I want and then put everything else back in the tote before sitting down to read or watch the movie. It's annoying. I'd rather just go to the bookshelf or the DVD rack and pull out what I want to read/watch... Oh, well. I know that will one day be the case again, I just wish I knew WHEN!

In an attempt to calm down, I think I am going to dig through my tote box of DVD's and find one to watch. Hopefully it will help... Probably not since I have to dig through the box to find a movie to watch.... *Sigh* I'll just have to keep telling myself that maybe in a month or so I can actually go to a DVD rack to pull out a movie and not have to dig in a tote box.... That would be nice; but for tonight, I dig.....

More questions than answers.....

Ever feel as if you could scream in a crowded room and not have anyone look in your direction or even care? That's how I have felt lately... I feel as if when people see me, they look right past me. Not even through me because that would allow them a glimpse inside. In the last few days, more people have found out about my divorce. They have told me they never would have guessed I was going through something like that. Was I really that great of an actress? If so, I think I deserve an Oscar or a Golden Globe or something...

Granted I am a private person (kind of odd coming from someone who is putting their thoughts/feelings out there in cyberspace, huh?) but I find it hard to believe I was able to hide everything. What do I know? Maybe part of the problem comes from the fact that I don't even know who "me" is so how can anyone else? Something to think about and work on I guess....

One of the things I have noticed about myself since the middle of November (when the "wasband" moved out), is I have cried more since then than I think I have in my entire life (up until this point). I have never been a big crier and actually thought that if I did cry it was a sign of weakness. I'm not ready to say that I'm necessarily a huge fan of crying but it does sometimes make me feel better. Almost as if my insides have taken a long, uninterrupted bubble bath. That may sound silly but I am a BIG fan of long, uninterrupted bubble baths.

Anyway, back to crying... There are times I find myself with tears in my eyes for no reason at all. I don't know if maybe I have let too many tears build up inside me over the years and now I have no more room to hold them all or what. It's unnerving sometimes...

I have never wanted to be the "damsel in distress" type. I actually thought that would be kind of a boring existence. I have always seen myself as one who would slay my own dragons (and I think I have slain some along the way - if not slain maybe at least given them a "flesh wound"). But it would be nice to not have to do it alone every time a dragon came along... Occasionally it would be nice to face a dragon and have someone by my side or someone in front of me saying they would take the brunt of the flames (and would not only allow me to help but would welcome my help). I never thought it had to be all or nothing...

Maybe I just need to keep looking but from where I stand right now, I think I am destined to fight alone (even though I really don't want to...). Part of me thinks that maybe the question of dragon slaying is a part of my quest - because most quests have many different aspects to them. I am not only journeying to find myself but also to find out if having it both ways is possible...

But as I have said before..... what do I know?