More questions than answers.....

Ever feel as if you could scream in a crowded room and not have anyone look in your direction or even care? That's how I have felt lately... I feel as if when people see me, they look right past me. Not even through me because that would allow them a glimpse inside. In the last few days, more people have found out about my divorce. They have told me they never would have guessed I was going through something like that. Was I really that great of an actress? If so, I think I deserve an Oscar or a Golden Globe or something...

Granted I am a private person (kind of odd coming from someone who is putting their thoughts/feelings out there in cyberspace, huh?) but I find it hard to believe I was able to hide everything. What do I know? Maybe part of the problem comes from the fact that I don't even know who "me" is so how can anyone else? Something to think about and work on I guess....

One of the things I have noticed about myself since the middle of November (when the "wasband" moved out), is I have cried more since then than I think I have in my entire life (up until this point). I have never been a big crier and actually thought that if I did cry it was a sign of weakness. I'm not ready to say that I'm necessarily a huge fan of crying but it does sometimes make me feel better. Almost as if my insides have taken a long, uninterrupted bubble bath. That may sound silly but I am a BIG fan of long, uninterrupted bubble baths.

Anyway, back to crying... There are times I find myself with tears in my eyes for no reason at all. I don't know if maybe I have let too many tears build up inside me over the years and now I have no more room to hold them all or what. It's unnerving sometimes...

I have never wanted to be the "damsel in distress" type. I actually thought that would be kind of a boring existence. I have always seen myself as one who would slay my own dragons (and I think I have slain some along the way - if not slain maybe at least given them a "flesh wound"). But it would be nice to not have to do it alone every time a dragon came along... Occasionally it would be nice to face a dragon and have someone by my side or someone in front of me saying they would take the brunt of the flames (and would not only allow me to help but would welcome my help). I never thought it had to be all or nothing...

Maybe I just need to keep looking but from where I stand right now, I think I am destined to fight alone (even though I really don't want to...). Part of me thinks that maybe the question of dragon slaying is a part of my quest - because most quests have many different aspects to them. I am not only journeying to find myself but also to find out if having it both ways is possible...

But as I have said before..... what do I know?