Tears and Tears

Yes, I used these two words on purpose to start my post today...  Tears because I have cried quite a bit this past week and tears because I have found myself in different situations this past week that have felt as if they have tried to tear at my very soul....

Lots of things have culminated to overwhelm me at work this past week and because of feeling so lost/overwhelmed, I actually cried myself to sleep a couple of nights.  In the dark, things have seemed a little bleak so that has made it difficult to sleep.  One of the things that did help was a blanket/wrap that my Mom made for me after the divorce.  My Mom knew that some nights would be difficult for me and she made me a beautiful blanket/wrap made out of dark blues, purples and blacks in order to wrap myself in a "hug" if/when I needed it.  Nights this past week I definitely needed those hugs.

I'm really hoping that one of these days I'll feel as if I have a better understanding of what's needed/expected of me at work so I don't feel so overwhelmed.  I know that I'm an intelligent person but there are some things that I know will take time (and that frustrates me because I just want to be able to do this and not question myself).  I have never liked feeling incompetent and I don't necessarily like having to ask for help (one of my "famous" sayings growing up was "I do it myself!").  I'm starting to realize that if I don't want to feel overwhelmed, I am going to have to do a better job at asking for help and if I don't receive the help I've asked for, to ask again and then keep it moving.  That's all I can do.  Stressing about it isn't going to help and I'm only going to burn myself out (which I know is not going to be a good thing).

Something at work that has been tearing at me is I had a parent question my competency as an educator.  It was over something very silly in my opinion but for some reason, it ate at me some.  I read a book to a class of preschoolers (one that I've probably read 100 times to the same age group) and the little boy of this particular parent actually asked me if he could borrow it to take home when I was finished.  About 30 minutes or so after the class was let out, this Mom came back into the building and was obviously upset.  She demanded to see the book so she could read it herself and then she deemed it "grossly inappropriate" to read to this particular age group of children.  I apologized to her and that didn't seem to be what she needed to hear.  I let her say her piece, apologized again, and then she left.

Because I felt it was silly, I don't know why I let it bother me but it did.  I put a lot of time into my education and have been working with kids for a long time.  I read a children's book to a group of kids and that's all I did.  I think part of why it upset me is because I am such an avid reader and still love to use my imagination.  In my opinion, this Mom was trying to censor my book choice and stomp on her child's imagination.  Oh, well.  I will still enjoy this particular book but I will have to remember just not read it when her child is in class...

I think maybe one of the reasons I've had a rough week is it's been raining on and off all week.  I am not one that like the rain at all (maybe I was a cat in a previous life...) even though I know that we desperately need the rain.  The weird thing about that is I love rainbows even though I hate the rain.  I know that the two need to go hand in hand but I don't like the rain.  It's kind of ironic that I enjoy the snow so much but don't like the rain at all...  Maybe one of these days I'll be able to look at the rain differently but today isn't that day.

There have been other things that have happened this week that have brought me down (more tears and tearing at the soul) but I'm afraid I'm going to get too emotional if I write about it at the moment. I will try and see if I can put some of my feelings to words and I will try and write about it next week.   I have an early work day tomorrow so I should probably put this away for tonight and get ready for bed.  I hope that everyone has a fabulous week and I will catch you next week.  Sweet dreams, my dear readers!