Treading water....

There has been quite a bit that has happened lately that has left me feeling like I'm just treading water; trying to stay afloat. In the process of me desperately trying to keep my head above water, I feel like there are those around me who are trying to use me to keep themselves afloat - drowning me in the process... That's not a good feeling.

I know that I can't control how those around me act/think/behave anything like that. I also know that I can control how I act/think/behave but there are times where I find it exhausting. There are those around me who (in my opinion) expect me to behave in a certain fashion and I'm disappointing them if I don't. I don't try to go into situations where I have a chip on my shoulder, being on guard at all times, but I also don't want to go into situations unprepared. Maybe I just need to do a better job at hiding/burying said chip before it gets me into any sort of trouble...

After thinking about things, maybe one of the reasons I have this "chip" or whatever it is on my shoulder is my version of being covered in porcupine quills. Rather than just having a wall around my heart, I have quills around my entire body so that I can chose to lower them if and when I feel comfortable doing so. One of the downsides to that is, I have held people at arms length for so long that I'm not sure what it will take to let someone get close to me again...

As I have had a couple of people point out to me lately, I do need to find a way to figure out how to take care of myself sometimes as I try to take care of those around me. I've written about before how I tend to put myself at the bottom of my list of people to take care of (and that is something I am truly working on remedying). I guess one of the things that I've come to realize is if I don't begin to take care of myself, I'm not going to be able to help anyone else out either. Doing this is something that I have struggled with for years but I am making it a point to make it a personal goal of mine in the upcoming year.

Trying to solve all of the problems of everyone else is just making me stretch myself so thin that I'm tired a lot of the time and I've been physically sick more in the last year than I ever have been before. I'm tired of being sick and I'm sick of being tired. Once again, I need to find an outlet that is just for me - even if it's taking advantage of a nice day and taking an hour to walk away from things like I feel like I have to do and take a walk on the beach.

Granted, I don't want to stop helping those around me but I don't want to end up with an ulcer or wrinkles/gray hair either (at least no more wrinkles or gray hair than I currently have). Even though up until now it's been easier for me to put myself last, I realize that for now, I might have to be a little bit selfish and take care of myself. That may mean saying "no" every once and awhile and not being so willing to jump in and say "yes" all the time. I know that may be easier said than done but I think I need to work on it (and push myself to really work on it) otherwise I am going to go from treading water to drowning. I don't want to drown....