Touch

I had an odd experience the other night when it was time to get ready for bed... I turned off the lights, got under the covers, and I don't know if it was how I was laying or what, but I could have sworn someone was holding my hand. That feeling, of someone holding my hand, brought tears to my eyes and I'm pretty sure I cried myself to sleep that night. Some people I'm sure would have been bothered by that feeling of their hand being held even though there was no one there but it just made me sad. Sure, kids at work will hold my hand on a regular basis but it's been years since anyone has held my hand other than that.

After that incident, I've been thinking about how complex just a simple touch can actually be. Think about it. When babies need to be in the NICU, they encourage people (parents and the hospital staff) to touch them. People in comas are encouraged to be talked to and touched. When people are sick/sad/upset, we tend to place our hands on them to let them know we are there for them. There are even those who pay big money for someone to lay healing hands on them by way of massages. So, touch is an important aspect of being a healthy person in my opinion.

There is also the aspect of being touched that goes beyond the physical. There are moments/people that touch our lives and our hearts and we are never the same after those events. Granted, those events can touch us in a positive or a negative way but that's what price you pay for things that matter. If nothing ever mattered (positively or negatively), we wouldn't be human, we would be like robots. I'll admit, there have been times (especially after the wasband left and during/after the divorce proceedings) that I have wished I were a robot just so I wouldn't hurt anymore. But I've realized since then that I'm glad that things have hurt (I know, I can't believe I'm admitting that either....) because those times have helped me to see who I truly am.

Sure, there are times where I still question who I'm becoming but things are starting to come more into focus; especially since I'm realizing that I don't have to live life as separate aspects of me. I don't have to have the Jeckel/Hyde me where I'm the teacher and belly dancer and... I can be the teacher who also belly dances and that's okay. I don't have to hide those aspects of myself away in which I'm passionate about. If I'm that passionate about it, I should show it and not hide it away.

I am slowly coming to terms with not hiding/locking myself away at all times. As you've read in the past, I often compartmentalize myself depending on who I'm around or the situation that I find myself in. I come in last place in comparison to helping/supporting everyone else and I think I'm going to really make an effort to analyze the why so I can change that. I know, I know. I've said versions of that in the past and I still end up coming full circle and continue to do what I've been doing (probably because it's easier/less painful than attempting to change). This time, I do want to try and figure out why I do these things so I can, if nothing else, help myself.

Well, I think it's come that time again where I should sign off for tonight. Maybe do a little sewing or pet my dogs to relax and prepare myself for the upcoming busy week ahead. I hope you (as well as me) can find time to do something for you this week... =)