Roller coaster

It has been a roller coaster of a week and I think I'm still reeling from it... I don't know how/why I keep allowing myself to over-stress and over-think about things that are out of my control but I seem to do so on a regular basis. One of these days I hope that I will be able to find a way to either stop doing so or to turn my brain off so I can sleep at night (since there are nights I only seem to average between 5 maybe 6 hours of sleep).

I don't know why I have a tendency to internalize things that are beyond the realm of my control, but I do. Granted there was a span of time when I was in my early teens that I was selfish and I couldn't see beyond myself or my selfishness; but after that stage, I feel like I've done a complete 180. Yes, last week I took a day for myself and spent it on the couch reading a book. Since then, however, I have felt guilty about doing so even though I can't take it back.

Guilt is definitely a weird emotion; especially in situations such as these. I can't go back in time and change the fact that I took a day off from my life that oftentimes makes me feel over-extended and I'm going to snap like a rubber band one of these days so why feel guilty about it? There are a lot of things that I honestly don't mind doing but I guess I just wish I didn't feel like I had to do some of the things I do...

This feeling of having to do certain things or complete certain tasks at times just makes me want to rebel. Not rebel in the sense of listening to depressing music, dressing in black and chains, or wearing dark makeup but rebel in the sense of just saying "no" (even if that's a word I still haven't learned to say on a regular basis to things that I don't want to do). I guess I just need to work, once again, of finding a balance to things rather than feeling like I'm out of control. There are times where aspects of my life can be compared to the feeling of being on a roller coaster when you're sitting at the top of that first big hill about to go over the edge -- I hate that feeling.... =(

Even though I haven't been to an amusement park or on a roller coaster for several years now, I have always hated that feeling right before going over the edge of that first hill. I don't know, maybe where some people get a rush of the feeling of falling over the edge, it scares me. There have been times where I've been on a roller coaster and it has literally taken my breath away going over that first hill. Maybe part of the reason I don't like the feeling of that first hill is it takes me to a place in my life when I have been completely and utterly felt out of control. I think that might need to be something I need to explore further but not tonight - - I think I need to head to bed for the night and hope that sleep does not elude me tonight. Good night.