Invisible

There was a point in my life where one of my main goals was to be invisible (and I was pretty good at being invisible). As I have journeyed along my quest, I am now finding that I want to stand out. Not in all aspects of my life (there are some places where I would rather remain invisible at this point) but there are aspects where I would like to be noticed.

One place that I want to be noticed is a bit of a contradiction. With belly dance, I find myself occasionally wanting to be invisible during class however, we have some upcoming troupe performances and part of me really wants to dance in the front row. My instructor has told me that she wants me to perform in the front row and I have just kind of dismissed that thought in the past. Now, with three upcoming performances in the next month, I am seriously considering her recommendation.

When it comes to dance, I want to be noticed. I don't want to take attention from the rest of the troupe but I no longer want to be invisible in the back. I'm not sure what has brought out this new side of me but here it is.... Like I said, I don't want to be in the spotlight per se when it comes to troupe performances (and I'm sure I will still get very nervous before any solo performances) but I would like to be noticed. I want others to see what I have worked so hard to accomplish and see that I'm good.

Is it strange for me to say that part of me is now glad that the wasband left me? Let me explain.... I don't condone the way he did it or anything but if he wouldn't have left, I most likely never would have found belly dancing. While he wanted me to find an activity to occupy myself while he was studying and doing work stuff, I don't know if he would have been overly happy with the choice of belly dance.

While he always told me that he didn't mind my weight and that there was "more of (me) to love," I have a feeling he would have questioned my choice. Even if it would have just been an offhanded comment such as, "are you sure you want to expose that much skin in public?" See, he wouldn't have questioned my choice directly or mentioned my weight directly, but it would have been implied. Unfortunately, his voice is still in my head but I am finding that I am more able to say, "thank you for your opinion but it was not asked for and it's not welcome anymore."

I guess you could say that I am working on making his voice in my head become invisible as well. I know that he will always be a part of my memories but I no longer need to let his opinion dictate my choices or my life.

I get to make the decisions for my life. If someone offers their opinion, I can choose whether or not to listen to or discount their opinion because it's that - their opinion. I can choose as well when I want to allow myself to be invisible or not. It all comes down to choices. My choices for my life.

I hope that doesn't sound too self-centered. It's just taken me most of my life to come to these decisions so I'm pretty passionate about them right now. It could also be that I'm trying not to revert to the "old" me..... I'm asking you to bear with me as I explore this new facet of my quest....