Why do I do things like this to myself?!?! I have been annoyed with myself all week over something that happened as I was leaving my belly dance class last Monday night. As I was leaving the dance floor, my instructor turned to me and said, “Good work tonight doing some really difficult stuff.” What was my response?! “Oh… yeah…. Well glad you think so….”
Why couldn’t I just accept her compliment? Why couldn’t I get out of my head and realize I was doing pretty well with some VERY difficult moves (that I haven’t really had a lot of time to practice) and say thank you? I don't know why I couldn't, it just wasn't even a possibility at that point. I couldn't make the words "Thank you" pass my lips. Maybe now that I am thinking about it, and have tortured myself with it all week, the next time I am faced with this type of situation, I will be able to just say "thank you" (even if I want to beat myself up over the situation later I can still say "thank you").
This is something that I have struggled with for as long as I can remember. If someone pays me a compliment, I try and find a reason not to accept what they are saying. While I was beating myself up over this past week, another thought came to my mind... If I don't accept someone's compliment, how am I making them feel? Now that I've thought about it, it's almost like a slap in the face to not accept someone's compliment and that's pretty rude.
I have always been concerned about how others feel and have tried to be empathic. When it has come to accepting compliments, I have always just brushed them off because I don't feel as if I deserve them. Rather than thinking about how others feel when I brush them off, I have been more concerned with my own low self esteem issues rather than their feelings. I want to try and work on that. I can accept someone's compliment at the time they give it to me and work on processing it, alone, after the fact. I don't have to make someone else feel bad just because I have low self esteem.
Granted, I am trying to work on my self esteem issues and I'm sure it's not something that I will come to terms with or change/fix overnight. It's another aspect of my quest I think. I have struggled with my self esteem for as long as I can remember but most people weren't aware that I had low self esteem. I've never minded doing solos (at church or at vocal competitions), I did theatre in high school, and now I'm participating in belly dance classes. But just because I've done all of those things doesn't mean I like what I see when I look in the mirror (even with all of the weight I've lost, I still don't necessarily like how I look in the mirror).
Maybe part of it is I don't mind putting myself out there but I don't want people to shine the spotlight on me. I'd rather just blend into the background (even when doing solos) I don't necessarily want the limelight. That could be part of why I don't know what to do when someone pays me a compliment - it's a form of a spotlight and I don't like being the center of attention. That was always my sister. She wanted to be the lead in plays and seemed to love the spotlight so it was easier for me to hide in the wings.
My goal will be to allow myself to stay in the background for now but maybe I just need to move out of my comfort zone a little. I'll plan on starting by finding a new place in the studio tomorrow during my belly dance class (I tend to dance in one place and that is my "spot") - - tomorrow I will find a new "spot." It's a start anyway....
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