Balance

During my belly dance class yesterday, we worked on balance. We were working on dance moves while balancing bamboo canes on our heads. While they were relatively light, it took a great deal of concentration to not have it slide off of my head. As I was balancing this cane on my head as I was belly dancing, I was thinking about the balance in my life. My life is leaning to one side rather than being balanced. And after talking to two different really great friends today (who live in two states actually) I think I have figured out, at least partly, why I am unbalanced.

I am still allowing my wasband to manipulate me. The last couple of weeks, I have been texting with my wasband for information about the washer and dryer we are trying to sell. In our discussions (even if they have only been text conversations), I have allowed his statements about his hardships make me feel bad. While part of me will always care for him (we were married for 5 years, I can't turn my feelings off like I would turn off a light switch), I no longer need to strive to make him happy or do what's in his best interest, forgetting my own. I can be sensitive to his feelings but I don't have to allow his feelings dictate mine.

I feel as if I am stuck in a traffic jam on the bridge between who I was and who I am destined to become. At this moment I'm not quite sure how I'm going to get out of this traffic jam but at least I have identified it. The frustrating thing is I can see the "new" me but I can't quite reach that destination yet. Maybe I'm stuck in this traffic jam because I'm not sure who the "new" me is as of yet and I'm not sure what I need to do to figure that out.

One of the things my Mom recommended is to prioritize a list of things to work on. Rather than just seeing this overwhelming goal ahead of me, break it into smaller more obtainable goals. Part of the overwhelming goal ahead of me is finding money to pay taxes. I went and had my taxes done a week ago and found out, because of the divorce, I owe a substantial amount to both the federal and state. Anytime I feel as if I'm getting a handle on my financial situation, something else comes up. As my Dad points out, "isn't it fun to be a grown-up?" NOPE!

Sometimes I want to tell that to the kids I teach. "You have no idea how easy you have things. While I know you think it's rough because they have the toy you want, or you don't want to stay on your cot, or you don't want to keep your feet on the floor, etc., you have no idea how rough things get when you're a grown up." There are days I wish I could also tell them, "if you're not going to use your cot, do you mind if I use it?" Oh, well. The joys of being an adult...

We'll see if this upcoming week will bring at least a little of balance to my life or if finding that balance is a part of my quest....