Freaking out

I am freaking out...  Three days ago I found out that the people I have been renting from are looking into selling their house so I need to find a new place to live.  In my more sane moments, I know that everything will work out but those sane moments have been few and far between these past few days.  I have gone from just looking at the problem at hand to the absolute worst case scenario that I'm going to end up homeless, sleeping on the streets and one of those people standing on a street corner holding a cardboard sign.  Even just typing those words just now, I am utterly freaking out...

When I first moved into this place, it was supposed to be a temporary living situation after my divorce and I was looking into a new job.  The job fell through so I stayed at my job, have moved my way up, stayed in the apartment and yet I still feel like a failure.  I'm sure some of that is coming from feeling as if my life is falling apart because I'm not sure what I'm going to do housing wise but it is how I'm feeling currently.  I found out Thursday night, have gotten very little sleep since then (since a lot of these completely overwhelming thoughts hit me in the middle of the night) and last night and today I have shed quite a few tears.

One of the first thoughts I had when I found out about this upheaval was, I can finally go home...  I actually took the initiative and was on-line job hunting yesterday for several hours and I even applied for a handful of jobs.  I'm not sure if anything is going to come from sending out those applications but I did it (even though it was really scary to do so).  At this point, all I can do is wait and see if anything comes from sending them out and go from there.

A reoccurring thing people have told me is I need to remember to keep breathing.  Breathing is such a simple thing that we sometimes take for granted and I remember my parents telling me to do that when the wasband walked out; they kept reminding me to "breathe, if nothing else, just breathe."  There have been times that I have felt my breath getting stuck somewhere in my chest cavity and I feel either as if I'm on the verge of a panic attack or a complete mental/emotional breakdown - I'm not sure which would be better at this point...

I know that in times of trouble, it's important to turn to your faith and that's one of my problems - over the past I'm not sure how long, my faith has been wavering.  That's really difficult for me to admit since faith has always been a cornerstone of my family.  When I'm rational (and I know that has been called into question over the last few days) I know that God hasn't left me but it's difficult to figure out how I'm going to head back in that direction.

Well, my dear readers, I feel myself getting overly worked up and emotional again so I think I should probably bring this to a close in an effort to be able to get some sleep tonight.  If I'm going to attempt to keep myself from falling apart while at work tomorrow I'm going to need all of the help I can get...  If you're the praying type, please say a prayer for this Gypsy to find the next direction I am to head - right now I feel as if I'm lost in the dark and I'm freaking out.....