Trapped...

I wanted to call this something else but didn't necessarily think that using the title "Held Hostage" would go over very well; even if that's how I feel in one particular all consuming area of my life currently...

If you remember, last week we had our big annual inspection at work where they basically look at all paperwork, processes, programming, etc. of the building under a microscope.  The inspector that I worked with has been to my building the last few years now and I appreciate how he's been able to help us grow as a program overall - when I first became the director, we received an 82% that year; last year, we went up to an 86% and this year, we earned a 90%.  Now, on paper that seems like phenomenal progress, right?  My boss has said that mistakes that were made (last year and this year) could have and should have been avoided and we should have done better overall.  As a perfectionist (and just being who I am), I take that as I could have and should have done better and the reasons we lost the points were because of me.

I think my staff did really well with their contributions to the inspection and while some of the mistakes we made were simple/stupid ones, it was the inspector's job to find them (and he did) and that will hopefully make us a better/stronger program overall.  I have been told that my attitude in regards to inspections is too caviler and that I should put more emphasis on them.  In my opinion, the more you freak out about inspections and the more you try to change right before an inspection comes (just to try and improve your score), the more mistakes you'll make during the inspection because those changes aren't in your day to day repertoire.  I know that not everyone (my boss included) shares that mentality and that makes it difficult around inspection time for me because the more they go crazy and want to change things, the more I shut down.

I have always known that I overanalyze problems/situations and that was validated when I was at my conference a few weeks ago when I learned about my management/communication style.  When I'm not allowed that time to at least start to analyze a situation (even though it is better for me to have time to overanalyze a situation, I at least need time to analyze it), it doesn't go over well with me and I have a tendency to shut down and retreat within.  Over the last few weeks, my boss has been firing tasks left and right and not giving me time to really analyze anything and yet she's annoyed that I've become withdrawn.  Now she wants to plan a meeting with the management team between both buildings to find out where the communication breakdowns are because it's no longer working for her.

None of this is probably helped by the heartbreaking short conversation I had with one of my 4-year old nephews today.  He was over at my parents house to enjoy the pool and he wanted to talk to me for a few minutes.  He told me about swimming and how he had to get out of the pool because there was a storm, and that he's getting ready to go to school, and why can't I come home and he thought I liked to come home.  Gee, thanks kid...  It was wonderful for him to want me to be there but it breaks my heart that I couldn't just magically appear because he wanted me to be where he is (he was the one last December who wanted me to buy him a plane ticket so he could come with me through security).  All of the trials/tribulations at work because of the inspection and listing to my nephew today, it makes me feel even more like I'm trapped here...

There are times that it feels impossible to stay overly positive when you feel beat down by so many challenges/obstacles.  I've put in a request to be able to see my family for the holidays (and it was a number of weeks ago that I turned it in) but I haven't received it back with permission from my boss. It gets extremely frustrating to know that I have time off available on the books (as well as lots of compensatory time that I'll probably never see) and I'm told that there are times throughout the year that I'm "not allowed" to take time off.  What good is it to earn the time off and then not be able to use it?  Just one more of the frustrations I'm dealing with...

Well my dear readers, before I work myself up to much and then attempt to get sleep tonight, I should probably bring this to a close and get ready for the work week ahead.  Thank you for joining me and I hope that you have a wonderful week with opportunities of muchness waiting to be embraced!  =)